This has gotta be the good life

There's this thing on facebook called 'Things I've done in 2009'. I wanna do my own original list.

THINGS I'VE DONE OR THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IN 2009

x Spent my first New Year's with the YC at Queen's Rally. (The night before was spent with my darlings.)
x Had a realisation that I really really liked someone. A lot.
x Got surprised by my best friends, my classmates and my church friends on the best birthday yet.
x Entered into TJC.
x Made great friends. (The Daffodils)
x Got real close to my classmates (Vonne and gang)
x Joined Council Nominations
x Dropped out of Council Nominations
x Joined Tennis and Band
x Made awesome band friends.
x Got involved in 5 church commitments.
x Got involved in SYF
x Broke down due to pressure, more than once.
x Awesome Stage Band (Played 'Marie')
x Awesome after-concert Band BBQ at my place
x First horrible results in many years.
x First compulsory remedial in many years.
x Skipped Chinese class
x Passed Chinese
x Dinners and days spent with my darlings
x Easter Vigil with my best friends
x Bought my first MC
x My first visit to a polyclinic
x Was Games Head for Camp Comm
x Struggled between band and camp for a month.
x Joined OCIP
x Cambodia trip got cancelled in August (H1N1)
x China trip got cancelled a week before departure (H1N1)
x Indonesia trip got cancelled night before departure (Ferry sank)
x Designed awesome banner anyway.
x Good Fiesta concert
x Awesome church camp
x Lessons learnt from organising camp
x Friendship almost ruined
x Friendship stronger as a result
x Heart got broken
x More than once
x Got closer to a lot more people.
x Made lists.
x Sang for Feast Day Dinner (Church A capella group)
x Laughs that never stopped
x Tears that formed oceans
x Mahjong only got better
x Project Work killed everyone
x Promo results were relieving
x Got my first Apple product
x In love with my Ipod
x Will be spending NYE with my darlings. (Upset that Nat's out. :(((( )

I will wait for the arrival of the New Year with joy.

A'LEVEL YEAR. :(((((

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

Lesson: Do not leave a facebook status unattended, especially if it's loaded.

Consequence: You don't wanna know.

Gosh, I feel so bad. :(

In the still of the night.

Tonight was awesome. Except one thing.

The acapella team is so great. And we really put in our utmost best. And I was so proud of everyone. Everyone. And tonight would've been just great. Except it was ruined at the last part.

I think little kids are so adorable. Clara was so cute, and Jade has a crush on Daniel. HAHA.

My lists are awesome cuz' people have a reason to be nice to me. HAHA. (Okay, it doesn't work. Really.)

Even though church didn't come through and give us any proper tables, in the end, it didn't matter cuz' I had a lot of fun with the gang.

Except my night so didn't end well.

Because of her, of course. It's like, she's become more in-your-face recently.

During dinner, I almost wanted to tell Joan that she was 'pretty okay, I guess.'

Then, of course she had to be herself. So, I mean, wow. I don't wanna say I hate her or anything, cuz' it really takes up a LOT of energy.. But she is soo not on my friend list. At all. Really.

Don't even know why it's affecting me so much. I'm doing so well on my own.

Probably decided to add spice to my apparently-not-seasoned-enough life.

Because that's who she is right?

Bitch.

Your body is a wonderland

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing, ring-ting-tingle-ing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "You Hoo"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Fact One: Didn't have a very good Christmas Eve.
Fact Two: My family made it so much better.
Fact Three: My cousin and nieces are extremely cute.
Fact Four: It is possible to have too much turkey.
Fact Five: Staying up until 0530 is not the best idea ever.
Fact Six: I am not addicted to mahjong.
Fact Seven: Do not have Carlsberg as your first beer.
Fact Eight: I turn 18 in 1 month and 12 days.

Wishing all my readers and everyone out there a blessed and joyous Christmas!

I love you Jesus, deep down in my heart.

I came across a fallen tree

I feel like my heart got wrenched into half again.

Honestly? I don't know what hurts more.. the fact that it's final and this is it, or the fact that of ALL of people in the entire freaking universe, it had to be her.

I wish I had a magic wand. And I could change pathways so his would steer as far away as possible from hers. Actually, if I was gonna wish for things, I would just wish that his path would collide with mine.

No, actually, if I was wishing for things, I would wish that I was busy the whole of June and I didn't have the time to meet him. That day. Just kills me when I think about it.

I don't know what to do now. Because I don't think I'll ever accept it.

I think I need to stay away from all this. It's too much. A lot of things are happening at once. I don't want to put myself in the middle of anything right now.

I know he doesn't deserve me because his standards are obviously much lower than previously thought.

Actually, I feel a bit insulted.

After this sunday, contact with him will be as minimal as humanly possible.

MINIMAL.

We're digging right in your fears

This whole camp thing affected my friendship with Belle so much.

I never thought I wouldn't be mature enough to separate friendship from 'business' when it came down to stuff like this.

After project work, you'd think that you'd be prepare for a lot of 'work issues'.

Boy, was I proven wrong....

She's always been a little muddle-headed, but she makes up for it by being an awesome friend, able to listen to your problems and understand, and support you in whatever you do.

For the past few weeks, the only thing that seem to come out tops was her muddle-headedness.

It was scary because for a SPILT second, I felt like our friendship was gonna fall apart.

The split second was enough.

I didn't/don't ever wanna lose her as a friend because she means so much to me.

Yesterday was a wake-up call cuz' I realised how much I was letting it affect me. To the point that I didn't wanna talk to her anymore.

Joan and Anne were there to make sure I didn't do something stupid like that.

And she DID come through for me in the end.

Surprised as I was, I felt so utterly guilty.

I never stopped loving her as my best friend.

And I hoped that our common love for God and our friendship would be strong enough to pull through tougher situations.

But it's cool. Cuz' after this, I just know that the bonds have strenghtened.

And Christmas is coming. :)

For those days we felt like a mistake.

It's really hard to comprehend what is really expected of you when you're only 17.

At one end, you're mature enough to be able to make the right decisions, you're supposed to start taking ownership of certain things. Supposed to bank on those responsibilities that you weren't exactly taken seriously for until now.

And yet, people still treat you like you don't matter. Like you're still too young to understand what goes on in this spherical little globe we call 'the world'.

I'm not complaining that there is this... 'gauge' of sorts.

It's just that it gets so tiring to be flitting from one end of the 'stick' to the other. And it becomes so irritating when you THINK this is the part when you're supposed to..... and it turns out that 'nope. sorry. wrong extreme. try again.'

Horrible, isn't it?

And then there's another part to this story. The whole 'everyone has it, so..... why aren't I....?'

Maybe that's why I'm getting so much new stuff now. Cuz' I can't get what I really want.

Then again, what IS IT that I really want?

That's always a toughie, huh.

I just told Vonne and gang that this year was a pretty good year on a hold. They said that this year was pretty extreme. I couldn't agree more.

2009 is an extreme year. I could be absolutely contented one minute, and then my entire perspective on what is known as 'my life' would change.

If only...

Why should I continue hoping though? It's obvious that there is only one path available for me at this point.

Yeah.

That's life for you..

It's complicated.

We were waiting for each other.

okay. So I realize that it is not easy to type with an itouch. And that it is not easy to blog with it too. So basically, i'm pretty happy with my Christmas present.. I mean, I really never expected to get the iPod touch ever. Even though I was saving up for it.. I was thinking that I would only ever have enough for a nano.

So yes.

I'm a happy girl. :)

and well, I need to rethink my priorities, cuz they're gonna affect the way people see me. And then what? I can't have people thinking that my priorities are completely screwed up right?

On another note, I like it that my touch has an auto-correct function.

I spent an entire day trying to figure out how it works, especially with the whole apps store crap. And now, it's my baby.

I'm gonna call it Mia.

We were waiting for each other.

We'll have the heart not to lose it.

I can't wait for Christmas!

I LOVE MY AUNTIE! :DDD

And we'll have the scars to prove it.

All the planning, the tears, the craziness.

It eventually comes down to something. Most of us wish it would be something good.

I'm lucky that it was.

This weekend may have been extremely tiring and crazy, but it was worth it.

I wanted to cry when camp ended. What I missed, however, was the joy on the campers' faces when they played my games. I was too busy to stop and notice it.

If I saw it, I would've cried. Then and there.

I cried during the PnW session because it was then that I realised that everything that I've done, everything I've planned, sacrificed, cried for, stressed for.. It was for the campers. For God.

I only REALISED it then. That I did ALL this because I really loved God. And I wanted all my campers to do the same. I wanted THEM to love God as much as I do.

And that was probably the reason I took up the 'job' of being Games Head for camp. The reason which I forgot along the way, during the planning and the running up and down, not being able to concentrate on any one thing.

Reading my affirmations lit my face up. Campers wrote to me, which was surprising cuz' I didn't think I'd get a lot of affirmations this year.

I'm glad I decided to take on the role this year.

I'm glad I got the experience and the amount of lessons I've learnt from this.

I'm glad that my very capable games comm, Azriel, Ryan and of course, my darling Belle, was there to make sure I didn't die.

Azriel, for his constant reassuring that everything was going to be okay. Even though I didn't believe him for the most part, everything DID turn out okay. He's my seer. I love him. :)

Belle, because she did as much work as I did. Even though she didn't completely almost go bonkers like I did, she was there to ensure I didn't break down. She handled everything I couldn't. Even though I got mad at her a lot because of the little things, she came through for me. Without her, I wouldn't last through camp.

I also need to thank the whole of camp comm. They were there from the beginning, and in my opinion, we all really did work well with each other.

Alex, because he was the one making sure I was always on the right track. He had so much stress and yet still managed to be there whenever I needed him. And the talks we had, whether good or bad. :)

Pete, because he did all the grown-up thingies that I didn't/couldn't/didn't know how to do. Like come up with all the timings for the programme so that we all had something to work with. And listening to me rant about all my problems. And making sure I didn't go berserk.

Nana, because she had to deal with my logistics nonsense and watch me go over the budget, again and again. And for being extremely nice about it. And for not getting angry when I didn't come through for her. And basically for being so cute during camp and always being there and being such a darling. Without her, my games would have nothing to work with.

Sharon, because she provided all the help she could after pubs was done. And all the advice she gave from being games head last year helped SOO much.

Manny, because he kept making sure I had a smile on my face the whole time. And because he's my older brother, being annoying and caring all at once. :)

I will definitely do this again.

But not any time soon.

I'm too tired.

I just slept for 16 hours. :)

xoxo

Saving the best for last.

I don't know anymore. I keep thinking that it's bound to get better, but I don't know..

Really.

Don't need another perfect line

Vampire Diaries reopens next year.

I'm like, WHAT THE HELL.

This is not cool.

Anyway, I have this wedding to attend tomorrow, so...

Yeah.

Life's a blast now.

Really.

I'm not swimming in to-do list after to-do list.

Really.

Do you remember the times?

My brother has always been the sweet one, always thinking about others first.

That's one of the reasons I love him, even as I roll my eyes at another one of his attempts to try and make the world a better place for the rest of mankind.

He's the one making sure everyone's feelings get considered, especially since my other brother and I have no qualms about feelings and the whatnots that get hurt.

**

I keep dreaming...

And it's always about the same person.

Just different scenes.

It's crazy.

I think I need more sleep.

**

I have a love-hate relationship with band, I swear.

Sometimes, it's just easier to not care about it.

**

And, oh look.

Gossip Girl just got THIS much more interesting.

And predictable.

LAUGHS.

They got their mind on the money.

I need to find a way to concentrate on Economics.

The only thing I keep thinking of is how much I need to do for camp and how little time there is to do it.

Basically, I wanna concentrate fully on camp.

And nothing else.

So basically, I wish I didn't have a band concert next week.

And band camp on thursday.

Because band camp is another way of saying 'I wanna keep you in school to practice until 11 and tire you out so you can play horribly for the concert.'

Actually, I'm getting extremely sick of band. I still love playing, and I know I'll miss the songs I can play once there's no more band, but it's the other things that make me sick.

Make me wanna throw up.

If it wasn't for the horrible fact that the Singapore Education system requires you to maintain a CCA, I'd quit.

I wanna play. I really do. But all this stress is not worth it.

Plus, it seems like I only have one or two true friends in the band now.

Thank goodness it ends next week.

I can't wait for band camp...

..... to be over.

On another note, I decided to use today to do all the stuff that I'm supposed to do before I spend the rest of this week tiring my lips out on my instrument.

And I haven't finished.

Joy is my middle name.

If this blog is supposed to reflect my emotions in life too, you'd think I was a horribly scarred kid always in the midst of her period.

So I present to you the irony of my life. :))

(People ask me how I can stay so cheerful most of the time. Now you know why. :) )

Sometimes I'm scared of you.

On this day, God wants you to know...


... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.
 
I found out that one of my favourite, loyal readers is back and loyally reading. :D
 
So this post shall be 'Mel-friendly'. Dedicated to the dear sweet girl that brightened my day just by talking to me on MSN.
 
Had an awesome day with Shu fen. We bought ties from Raffles and ate at BnJ's. It's always nice talking to her. :)

Sometimes, you need to take a step back and realise that your life may have its crazy moments, but the other 90% of the time, THAT'S what you live for.

I have really been tiring myself out too much. Just bent on making sure everything turns out fine.

I should stop worrying.

I've done enough.

Let God do the 'worrying' for me.

:))

Hope this was Mel-friendly enough! ILY Chia Yan Ling!

When all I needed was the truth.

Suddenly, I've become part of the past...

And everyone knows I'm in over my head with eight seconds left in overtime..

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage...

You find another friend and you discard.

Over my head - The Fray

OneRepublic is soon becoming the band to listen to when I'm emo.
That means I'm pretty much listening to it everyday now.

I felt a whole lot better this weekend. Even though the games recee was a bit of a mind-drainer, my darlings made it up to me as usual just by being there.

Sleeping over with the girls and just talking away about anything and everything was exactly what I needed. I felt so happy last night.

"I got angry at you. So I what you?"
"Slap."
"Another word. Sounds something like it!"
"Slah-p."


Taboo with Azriel has to be the most entertaining thing. Somewhat.


J: "I was wondering if you went to your room."
N: "I DID go to my room."
A: "Huh. Then where did you go?"


Belle is deaf.


S: I can't balance very well! I'm not wearing flats!
A: I thought you were wearing your new shoes...
S: I am..
A: I thought they were heels..
S: They ARE..
A: Then why you say you wearing flats?


See above comment in italics


S: Belle's cold sore's so big, it should have its own personality. I like 'Frank'.
J: 'Norman's a nicer name.
S: Frank!
J: Okay. Frank Norman, okay?
S: Yeah! Sounds awesome!


This is how we named Belle's cold sore.


S [to anyone who came along]: Have you met Frank Norman?


Cuz' I'm mean. :)


N: You must excuse me, my bathroom's quite small. (she means the one in her bedroom)
A: Don't complain! I don't have one at all.
J: You don't have a bathroom at home?


Cuz' Belle's very cute sometimes.

And now that the weekend is over, I can look forward to the week.

Which means I'm not really looking forward to much.

At least we had our fun.

I love my girls.

The hope is we have so much to feel good about.

Don't you know I suffer

I'm facing depression as of now.

I don't wanna do anything.

I wanna quit band. I wanna quit camp. I wanna quit acapella.

I wanna sit at home and relax.

Maybe even do some studying.

I don't even wanna get involved in so many things ever again.

I've learnt my lesson.

I won't do it again.

Please, Lord. Don't punish me. I knew not what I was getting myself into when I signed up.
Nothing is fun now, Lord. I don't need fun, actually. I need joy. Nothing brings me joy anymore, Lord. I'm wallowing in a sea of self-pity and I feel so pathetic that I need to blog and 'complain' about my over-commitments to everything but I can't take it anymore, Lord.
I want to share my gifts with the world, but does it have to come at such a heavy price?
Everyone wants my 100%, Lord. I don't have that. I can't give it to anyone. And everyone gets hurt in the end.
Is it worth it, Lord?
Is it worth the pain and effort just to give everyone only about 50% of what I can offer?
Sometimes I give even less.
I'm disappointing so many people, Lord.
People who used to count on me; people who saw someone in me and decided that I was worth the time.
Now, they probably realise it was a big mistake in relying on me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Please, Lord.
I dont' want to hurt anyone anymore.
Be with me as I complete what I have to do.
Give me the strength, the patience, the guidance.
Let me learn. And learn well.

And I promise I'll never do something as stupid as this ever again in my life if I ever can help it.

With eight seconds left in overtime

I'll NEVER survive without a maid. I've spend YEARS shaking my head and tsking at others who can't seem to fend for themselves.. only to discover that I'm exactly like them.

Oh happiness.

My household can't even survive one DAY without a maid. Shouting and frustration presented themselves at so many junctures today, I can't even keep count.

And I'm watching New Moon tomorrow with Chuck. :))))

And someone stole my bike. :(((

So yeah, we're going down

I want this.

I got these.

Life is all about material wants and needs.

HAHAHA.

Camp Comm will kill me if anyone reads this.

:DDD

Paint a picture of the perfect place.

I'm a happy girl.

I got 2 pairs of gladiator wedges. In MY size. the PERFECT pair of shoes that I have been looking for since JUNE.

I'm a happy girl.

I went for a mani-pedi today and got light pink fingernails and purple glittery toes.

I'm a happy girl.

I finally got my new earphones.

I'm a happy girl.

I got aviators.

I'm a happy girl.

I'm a little appeased about not going to Indo now.

God wanted me to get my wedges.

I think.

They are perfect. :)

Right, left, right.

I want to marry Ian Somerhalder.

I shall be Mrs. Stephanie M. Somerhalder.

He shall love me and we shall have our 3-storey little beach house in Miami with the 3000 sq-feet backyard and porch swing.

He shall buy me an Audi R8 after I give him his third son. (After having a son and a daughter.)

Actually, I'd rather marry Damon Salvatore and raise a family of vampires.

And get those nifty rings that make us daywalkers.

I wanna be a vampire.

Then maybe I don't have to take a ferry or plane to get to the places I want.

And everyone would like me more cuz' I'd make one hot vampire.

And vampires are oh-so TO DIE FOR. Don't you think so?

The Queen of Spades

Someone is plotting my death the minute I step out of this country. This must be the only reason why I seem to be stuck on this little island.

Anyway, Joan and Pete cheered me up last night after the devastating news broke. Joan made me laugh over the phone talking nonsense and giving me anecdotes about her brother which were so cute. Pete was Mr. Retarded with MSN.

Peter says:

*maybe that's it!
*you're stuck in singapore.
*so you discover the cure for cancer.


Stephanie ♥ Psalm 95:7-8 says:
*yup.
*probably.


Peter says:
*errr....
*do you know where to start? :D


Stephanie ♥ Psalm 95:7-8 says:
*no clue.
*do you wanna help?


Peter says:
*nah.
*I've got exams to study for.


Stephanie ♥ Psalm 95:7-8 says:
*oh okay.


Peter says:
*yeah.


Stephanie  ♥ Psalm 95:7-8 says:
*i'll just mope around the house..


Peter says:
*butbut...
*cancer!


Stephanie ♥ Psalm 95:7-8 says:
*and maybe it'll be hidden under some pot or something.


Peter says:
*OMG.
*you're right.
*you're a genius!

And I had a nice dream. It was probably due to the Malaria pills.

He was thanking me for visiting him at home or something.. I pretended to fall asleep.

There was something about this game called 'RRT' that only gays play or something.

Okay.. My dream may not make much sense, but it cheered me up even more.

I wish a lot of things could be simpler. For one, I could go to China. And getting over him would be a snap. And I wouldn't lose a friend.

And he would stop acting like he does now.

I think it's getting a bit irritating.

It don't matter what you see.

I felt like I got ran over by two trucks.

Today I was Miss Cranky Bitch. I apologise to anyone who got the brunt of it... so basically, I'm sorry Mummy and Daddy.

Anyway.

I've finished packing.

And Operation F.M. is back on track... Although the progress will be extremely slow.

Extremely.

To Indonesia I go!

Everybody knows where we're going.

It was so embarrassing.

Just cuz' I wanted something I couldn't have.

Shouldn't have done it.

How am I supposed to take those steps if I continue to tread backwards?

I literally became someone I don't wanna be.

Awful.

Yuck.

Let's just hope no one noticed but me.

I want your disease

I realise I'm not ready.

Oh shit.

Bad Romance

All the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

You know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

All the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

If I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

Are we all wrong?

Mother just killed my entire day. Like that.

It was perfectly pleasant. Almost nice.

A few words killed it. Just utterly destroyed it.

I love my mother? But I wonder HOW IN THE WORLD she effing finds the PERFECT moments to make my life an EFFING living hell.

I am THIS close to screaming FOUR LETTERS out AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

Anyway, that's settled...

Today, I pretty much realise how insignificant my life is.

I know how 2012 was supposed to make you feel like 'woah'... but it really made me feel like if the world ended now... I don't know if I have much to show for it.

An O'level cert collecting dust in my closet? Mediocre grades in a top JC? An obvious lack of willpower shown by my diet? No experience in relationships?

Nope.. nothing.

I don't suppose I should be afraid should the Lord have his second coming... It's just such a waste.

And it is NOT easy being human. IF you're listening, my dear Father. ('Course you are..)

Anyway, I figured it's not worth moping over some guy. I have a full life to live. Why should I live it for anyone except myself?

And if I want to help other people just to make myself feel good?

So what? It's not like the other party doesn't benefit.

So, you know what? Screw everything. I'm gonna start living for me.

Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Je ne sais quoi

I am not going to China anymore.

Honestly, if you were to read my blog and go through everything, the above statement would be absolutely hilarious.

You'd think

'Didn't she have plans? Didn't she build up for this?'

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh.

I know God DOES have a plan for me? But sometimes I wish he'd just get there faster.

I hate it that everything MUST happen at once. That I can't even have my cracks spread out evenly across the wall.

If I were any less strong than I was, I'd kill myself now.

Yes, being the melodramatic one with the sharp kitchen knives but less than a few feet from my reach.

Anyway, I just gotta learn how to accept it right? Like those oversized shirts and socks they give you for Christmas.

'Oh yes! They look like things I've always wanted! Thanks Aunt/Uncle _____. I'm very pleased with my new ____!'

But inside, all you wanna do is to exchange those gifts for something else. It doesn't matter if you can't get something as 'worthwhile' as those socks/shirts/mugs/soap sets, as long as it's something you WANT.

And none of this is what I want.

So why is it I need to force myself to accept it?

I guess it starts with the other person, huh.

If you don't accept it, it doesn't only affect your life. It affects the lives of others.

Plus, it's not like you can do anything about it right? You can't possibly return anything to anyone.

So you accept.

Even if it means you gotta struggle through the next phase of your life wondering where you went wrong with these people.

This is completely je ne sais quoi.

The start of something new.

What do you want me to say? What I feel now is like...

I woke up yesterday slightly indifferent. Janice, Ping and Vonne were already there making sure I was awake.

Cycling with the girls was fun. My ass hurts, but otherwise it was awesome.

And then I woke up today. And it just seemed to flood back to me.

It hurts. It's painful. I feel like a knife struck me in my stomach and I can't get it out.

I don't regret doing it. At least I hope I don't.

I just don't wanna see him. I don't even know when I'll be ready to see him ever again.

Basically, I remember everything, and the severity of the situation is staring at me in the face.

I don't wanna regret doing this... So why does it seem like I never wanted that night to happen.

I tell people I made the right choice, but maybe I'm only telling it to them because I'm trying to convince myself that it's true.

It really hurts so much. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

I'm not angry at him.

But I just wish I didn't ever have to see him again.

I don't wanna hear his name or see his face until I come back in december.

Then we'll see.

It's all I ever needed you to know.

Dinner with Tammy was really fun. I'm really glad I'm getting really close to her. :)

We had dinner at Astons, and then retreated to BnJs (My darling boyfriends) to feast on Chunky Monkey, Strawberry Cheesecake and Cookie Dough.

I think I really enjoy having one-on-ones. Like, even more than I enjoy spending time with friends in a group.

It's really much more intimate, plus it's a great way to get closer to people you wanna know more about.

Having OP practice with the group now. This is the 'last time we'll ever be at Steph's house doing Project Work' as Janice so acutely mentioned. It's rather bitter sweet.

Sure, PW was as horrible as the day is long and it gave me horrible headaches and sleepless nights. But it was also fun to have this group to hang out with. I got closer to Alicia, Janice, Henry and Zong Yang as a result of PW. We've experiences things that can't be replicated outside of anything ever. And we've gone through shit together to the extent that no one else would exactly know how each of us felt unless they were part of this magnificent group.

I would now like to take this opportunity to thank the four of them. Every single one of them indeed made PW feel like it wasn't an extremely horrid thing to do. Sometimes, it was fun to just sit with my group and talk about nonsense. Yes, there were times that we didn't get much done? But in the end, I think we were as efficient as efficient gets.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! <3

So now, we shall continue to rehearse our oral presentation and I pray to God that it turns out very well.

Hunt you down

I don't like people who think they can mess with my good friends and get away with it.

I'm SORRY I don't get A's in any subject.

I'm SORRY I can't qualify for any H3 subjects.

You know what? I'm not that sorry. I get to spend the rest of my JC life with friends whom I love and whom love me. And I'll work hard to achieve whatever I want in life.

And you'll be lonely and sad. Because no one can stand an idiot who sprouts the F-word every 5 seconds. You barbarian.

I sure hope for the hell of you that your econs project goes well. If it ends up like your PW, you really won't have any friends left.

If any girl ever has an inkling of ANYTHING other than dislike for you, I wish her well.

If you come back

The long hiatus from band disippated my passion for playing. And one practice brought it all back.

That's how much I really enjoy music I guess. Even though I say I'm so sick of it already, I'll never mean it. Not entirely.

I decided to give Singapore Idol a try today. Basically because there was nothing else to watch on TV.

Less than 10 minutes into the show, I decided that it was indeed a waste of my life should I continue watching it. Basically, it wasn't even because the contestants had mediocre voices.

1) The judges were SO politically correct, they weren't even necessary. I mean, there's no bite. No edge. I know Ken Lim apparently somewhat offended the Tamil community before, but without the teeth, judging becomes THAT much more boring.

2) Florence Lian actually said 'sorry'. She criticised a contestant, which I believe was constructive and good for him, and THEN she apologised. If you were trying to mother him, then why let him enter? If you're gonna apologise for HIS mistakes, doesn't it show how he cannot stand a little critic and hence should not enter a COMPETITION?

3) Gurmit greeted the contestant after his performance by saying 'No matter what the Judges said, that was a DAMN good start to the show!' Okay. What. The. Hell. Was. That. Seriously. Even though the judges were super PC, you don't have to completely disregard their comments right? It could be seen as being biased. It could be seen as you thinking that the judging is completely irrelevant to the voting. And worst of all, it could be seen as entirely unprofessional and just plain stupid.

Anyway, the singing is not bad. I mean, I admit I was adamant about not watching the show because of its overrated-ness and mediocrity. However, the contestants aren't the ones spoiling the image of a 'Singapore Idol'. The rest of the show does the job pretty well.

I now have a tent that's undone and lying in my room. I don't know how to make it all nice and neatly folded again.

And I decided to ask out a guy whom I've been complaining is weird.

I can be such a loser sometimes. Seriously.

Every breath you take.

I feel happy today. This is an emotion which has an iffy origin.

It could be that my group's OP is coming along nicely and we only need a bit more of practice to fully nail this.

Or it could be that comment that Gorden made. He didn't notice me as I walked past him, so I called out his name. He looked at me surprised and gave a 'hey!' After that, he grinned and said 'Looking good.'

Haha! Gosh, I am SUCH a girl. I was blushing so much.

It made me feel good though. I guess cuz' I've never really been 'checked out' outside my family. Which completely doesn't count.

Anyway, I'm a happy girl. And I was counting my blessings on the train today. I have so many. :)

You are the weapon I choose.

I realise I can never get angry at him.

No. That's a lie. I can. Thing is, I can never STAY angry at him.

Not if I wanted to. Probably not if he ripped out my heart and left me to die.

I'd probably forgive him in a heartbeat if ever he looked at me with those pleading 'I'm sorry' eyes. Or that voice.

I don't think he realises how dangerous he is. He could very well hurt me to the extent where I'd stay paralysed forever. And I'd probably tell the prosecutor that I don't wanna press charges. And tell them to let him go.

I'm so screwed up, it's actually quite funny. And yet, I'll never stop. Not until he completely and utterly rejects me. Which will probably happen... Although he may have the heart to do it nicely. And how nice it could be. Fantastic.

And (get this, people!) I'd probably not even stop THEN! Yeah! Isn't it a laugh and a half? I'd probably still run to hug him even as he slowly gorges my heart out from its safe haven in my chest.

Like one of those things where you know you'll definitely get hurt. And yet you still insist on trying. Like touching the blue part of a burning candle. Or falling face-first into the icy-cold pool.

Or one of those things you do which you know you'd regret ever doing, yet do it anyway, because it just calls out to you. Like closing the bathroom door though you know extremely well that the broken lock only allows it to be opened from the inside.

It's a feeling only I understand. And you don't unless you know perfectly well what I'm going through. No one does actually. This is the one thing that cannot be indefinitely explained to any one person still living on this earth. Like the entire bible. Can't be explained.

The one thing good that probably comes out of this, is that it explains how I am most definitely not a robot. Even though I may be blue, green and yellow-brained (emergenetics), the only possible way which proves that I AM indeed a robot, is for me to look at this situation logically.

And NONE of this is logical. To the rest of the world, anyway.

A summer's disregard.

I've got a lot to do. That's probably why signs were telling me not to play mj at belle's.

So yes. Exams are over. But no, I'm not free. At all. Not even a little bit.

Oh well.... I'm just gonna hope for the best.

Anyway, in my hectic-ness, I managed to complete Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol'. How? Well, basically, before yesterday, I kept sleeping at 1. Which isn't really very.. healthy. Which is why I slept at 2130 yesterday. Which, again isn't very... healthy.

And now, I'm starting on Jane Eyre. Which is a really good book. I'm enthralled by it. Sort of.

Anyway, the date is set. I think. I don't really know actually. I'm scared. I don't really know what to say to him, how to say it to him... I'm scared shitless basically. Janice suggested I start practicing. So I told Henry and Zong Yang that I liked them. At separate times. Henry's reaction was a funny sound. Like a 'Yeah right, mm-hmm' sorta thing. Hahaha! And 'Darius' gave me a look like I just told him I was going to Afghanistan to sun-bathe. Okay. It wasn't exactly 'real' practice, but I mean.. the reactions were funny enough.

I'm getting closer to my guys in my class. Like LZY, Henrzzz and Oliver. HAHA. Yes, even though Oli's been real irritating, calling me a bimbo and throwing water at me, he's a fun guy lah. And it's fun to talk to him. Maybe I should practice on him too. HEH.

I want to talk to people. But they're just not showing themselves online. OR anywhere... it's a little upsetting. Especially since I've started to get closer to them and I kinda miss them. =/

I'm still scared. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'd react. I'm scared. All I know is that this is something I need to do. It is. It feels right. Even though I wanna keep chickening out? I know I'm gonna do it in the end. Regardless of the results. It's just something I have to do. Right?

Not listening in chem lecture

I know i'm supposed to be listening, but i just feel like sleeping. and the bell just rung, so i just wasted 50 mins of my life doing nothing but going to facebook and talking to jie hui. I should be hung. I'm completely satisfied, happy even, with my results.

If tomorrow never comes

 

So what is the deal? I can't seem to find a foothold anymore. I may be going off balance. Tripping into the abyss that is my life. Nice.

I like the game of 'three words'. Completely threw us off playing mahjong (and it took 4 hours to finish one game) but it was stupid and funny.

Actually, the whole thing was stupid and funny. And people would go crazy. Very crazy. And sing. And sing some more.

I know I told some people that I would never get a tattoo.. But I'm considering it. I know. It's completely berserk. At the same time, you only live once, right?

And I should stop going out after school. I know my promos are over, but there are things I have to do. Things that I seem to be avoiding. Not good.

And I don't know how I'm gonna tell him. Because I keep replaying the same scene over and over again. And the results are getting more in my favour each time.

I blame him. And me, mostly. But him. HE *points* did THIS. So yes. I don't think I'm prepared for the worst. So right now, I'm preparing to be unprepared for the worst.

Oh. And I decided that I hate the part of a funeral where they let you view the body going into the furnace. I don't ever wanna see it again. It's horrible. And completely cruel.

And I think I did well for Econs and Math. And chem.. That was a surprise. A good surprise. J

(This was written on the 26^th of October 2009 at 2330. However, Blogger screwed up. So..)

You are the reason that I still believe

Everything hurts. My arms feel like they're perpetually lifting heavy objects. My abdomen feels like my brother made it his favourite couch. All thanks to cable-skiing yesterday. Which was completely and utterly fantastic! Ping said it would hurt like shit today. It did.

I couldn't get the hang of it. Especially the wave-boarding. But knee-boarding was so much easier. And well, although I flew into the water a few times, i still made it to the furthest part of the lagoon in the end. Which is not really cool because then you have to walk back. But it's okay lah.

I'm just glad I wore my contacts.

Anyway, I really don't wanna go to school today. I planned to, later on, because I have a lot of stuff I need to do in school. But I don't feel like moving...

Talking to Ping was really cool yesterday. I think the way she squealed when we talked was so cute. Haha! I really didn't expect her to have so much juicy stuff to say. So adorable. :))

We talked for one hour plus near the drink stall. I didn't bring a towel after cable-skiing, being the smart girl I was. So I was wet, with my shirt sticking uncomfortably to my skin. And my hair was crazy dry and matted. But it smelt like sea water which was refreshing! (Not 'smelly', as Ping described it.)

I ate horribly unhealthy orh-luak for dinner. And Ping ate char kuay teow. I told her I didn't really like it cuz' it was too oily for me. Which is weird cuz' what I was eating was so much more oilier than her food. But I'm weird, so yeah.

Had the most tense-est liturgy meeting of my life yesterday. It was completely fine and stuff, you know? Ladies night (and one guy) and all that.. But then it turned into the topic of reshuffling the groups. (My group was not affected of course, cuz' you had to be 17- 20-ish to join. And no one really meets that criteria anymore.) And me and belle was just laying in the corner, looking back and forth as the chilled ladies night almost turned into a total cat fight complete with cake and icing. But it was cool in the end. I think. It ended rather amicably.. sort of. With ladies, it's always hard to tell. You could tell that the animosity was still a little present, even as they ended the night. But it gave way to a spiritual ending, cuz' you know, everything needs to start and end with God.

You know how to look for that silver-lining? Draw it yourself.

Cause you keep me from falling apart

I'm gonna make a list of things that are happening before the year ends. I know I've done this already... but it wasn't very apparent or blatant then. Now that there's about 2 months left in the year, I would like to explicitly mention what I'm supposed to commit to. In 2 months.

- Project Work (WR submission: 31st Oct. OP date: 10th Nov)
- China trip (17th Nov - 1st Dec)
- Band camp (3rd Dec - 5th Dec)
- Church camp (10th - 13th Dec)
- Fiesta concert (11th Dec)
- Acapella (27th Dec)

This things? They don't start on those dates mentioned. They require work, and planning, and more planning, and more work. And hours I can't afford. And these are only the major things I need to worry about. There're many small tiny pain-in-the-ass things I need to do too.

Oh right. Note the dates. See the spaces in between. It's a laugh.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

Young love in the sun.

The sleepover was fantastic! We baked, watched movies, and gossiped, and all that.

Daryl's maids made awesome food! For dinner, we had pasta, sausages, black-pepper chicken wings, potato salad with egg and avacado with bacon. For breakfast, we had smoked sausages, scrambled eggs, ham, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms and tomatos. o.0

I had an awesome time talking to Shufen today. I'm really glad we're getting closer. I like having someone to relate to. It seems like we're having the same set of problems. Okay, well maybe not the same? But it's rather similar.

I guess after the promos, it just leaves my heart wide open for everything to sink back in. Everything that everyone said to 'wait after promos' for has decided to sneak out of its little holding cell and let itself loose on all humanity.

Anyway, I've pretty much decided that this is right. And that I should do it. And whether it becomes something I regret or not, well, at least I tried.

Sometimes I wish I had a simple crush on a simple boy like other normal girls. And that even if nothing happened, well, it wouldn't be bad. At all. It would be rather teenage-ish, actually? And normal. And sane.

Not crazy like this.

And well, when it comes down to it, all I want to do is do it and hope for the very best. While preparing for the very worst.

I will not leave alone everything that I own.

Okay. The Temasek Junior College Promotional Examinations are over.

So today was supposed to be a good day... And it was, for the most part? But things just happen to really just ruin your entire mood. Stupid, stupid things.

Anyway, Joan just cheered me up again. She showed me this video on youtube about kids fighting zombies. It's a prank some producers pulled on the kids. It's SOO cute.

Walking around Ikea was fun. I could've enjoyed it a bit more if I remembered my solution. My contacts were soooo dry. =/

Lunch was.. WOAH. I had swedish meatballs. I LOVE IKEA MEATBALLS. And the chicken wings were to DIE for.

And I loved walking around sitting on the beds, playing with the kids toys, sitting on the couches, playing 'kitchen' in the man's kitchen. I like how Huiling, Janice, Yiwen and I would just walk around aimlessly, and find Ping and Yvonne sitting in some ulu place.

And how we couldn't find them in the end. HAHA.

And there was this STUPID prank call from some idiots about a cat. -__________-''

Well, anyway, it was awesome hanging out with the girls. And Ikea furniture is cool.

I want a loft.

And you know what? I don't need you. I have such good friends, no one can take them away from me. Screw you.

You pissed me off so bad..

So why is it I don't immediately never speak to you again?

Cuz' this is real.

I don't know anymore. Just when I thought everything was going so perfectly? I told my girlfriends in school everything. And it really comforted me. They didn't judge. They COULDN'T judge because they didn't know who he was. It felt good. I know my best friends mean well, but sometimes, it gets tiring to hear their 'you know... right?' Yes, I know, I know. And it was cool that they thought it was cute. I really love them sometimes. It was awesome that they really wanted to know. To listen to everything. I don't know. It felt different. And now? It's shit again. Because everything's just changing. I still want to tell him. But how? How do I let him know? Especially when things are this crazy. I can't. Can I? I want to. Really. I never wanted to, ever. But now I feel like I should. I don't know. I want to end my misery.

I just realised how complicated it was. I mean, it was VERY complicated, I know. But this is just. This is madness. This is crazyness. This is like hanging myself from a tree.

And you can't imagine how awful I feel. I didn't mean it okay? I didn't PLAN for it to happen. It just did. I'm sorry okay? Don't get angry. Or upset. I know you were upset about it.. and I made it worse. I didn't want to. Why would I even THINK of doing anything to hurt you when all I want is for YOU to be happy?? Have you ever thought about how I feel? This sucks. I know. And I'm sorry. But you CAN'T expect me to be there for you all the time. That's crazy. I'm not your lackey. I have a life. I'm 17. I'm going to live it. I can't be expected to say 'yes' to you all the time. Even though that's pretty much what I'm doing now, aren't I? Such a stupid girl. So stop sulking. Please. Stop making me feel horrid about myself. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't promise you anything. Stop it.

Gosh. This is.. wow. Promos were nothing compared to this. I'd rather take them again.

No. Actually, I wouldn't.

4 in the morning.

It's odd to be awake when no one else is.

I'm hoping the Econs paper won't kill me today. Really.

I won't let you down.

I love Yvonne.

When she said that, I was really happy inside. Even though it's really a fantasy.

I'm sooooo screwed.

A few hours to my first paper.

Shit. It's almost midnight and I can't sleep.

And I have a paper tml.

You know what? I couldn't stop smiling when I read that message.

serenity

The more you want to tighten the ropes, the more likely they will snap.

It's times like these, you just needa have a lil' more faith in the Big Guy up there.

Cuz' he loves us all. And he ain't tightening the ropes... He's just waiting for the boat to come back to the shore.

Sticky, stuffy, stuffed.

I had a fantastic time with Joan and Manny. As Manny wrote in his phone, he had 'Dinner with the awesome steph and joan'. (Okay, I put it there, but whatever.)

We went to Sakae for unagi, sashimi, and soft-shell crabs! And Manny kept complaining that we were bullying him.. Well, Joan and I HAVE been best friends for 12 years. 12 years MORE, Manny!

After a really nice dinner filled with laughter (and Manny NOT getting some of our jokes... Like the 'mine cup' one. Sheesh.) we went to 32 degrees farenheit for dessert. An ice-shavings place at Marine Parade.

We accept payment by CASH only.
We do not accept 5c coin as part of company policy.

Manny ordered milk and durian. HAHA. Which was the highlight of dessert, actually. Because our Yakult-flavours mixed with fruit tasted so much nicer... And Manny's milk just turned into lumps of ice with milk. The milk tasted... condensed. And Joan said he should've just ordered the milk with cereal and bananas. HAHA.

He would scoop a big spoon of ice shavings, shove the whole thing in his mouth, and take out the spoon with half of the ice still on it. HAHAHA. And he has a BAD habit of speaking with his mouth full, so his words would come out as 'mmfffmmfmfmmfmdffm. Durian.' HAHA.

I had an awesome time tonight. I needed to laugh. :DD

I never told you all I wanted to say.

Okayy.. I'm in need of a well-deserved break. I really think I deserve it. I've been studying since 10am this morning. I deserve it.

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. Hmm.

Anyway,

I had trouble falling asleep last night. And when I did? I had SOOO many dreams. Some were very nice. :) Some I can't remember. But I think that was the first time I could remember more than one dream per night.

Which is cool.

I need a break. I'm so tired.

I'm a little screwed... Instead of preparing for the worst, I keep thinking positively. VERY positively. Which is good lah. But I'm scared of what my expectations would do to me..

Okay, I might be going crazy. Math is the only thing that can make me feel that way.

I dreamt that he was super caring. But you know? It could be more like a brother-sister kind of care.. He 'forced' me to drink water. Even poured it into a cup for me. "Go, drink it first." He gestured towards the filled cup. I don't even know why I had to drink water.

La la la.... I shall start studying again at 3!

I dreamt that he woke me up because he wanted to help me adjust my tablecloth. I'm not kidding. There were holes in it and he didn't like it. So he woke me up. .... But he said we could go for lunch/dinner (can't remember) after that. I didn't want to wake up though. So I continued sleeping until my mum barged into the room screaming. He was waiting for me at the dining table.

Studying is a waste of a perfectly good Friday afternoon. But it's good for my grades.

I dreamt that Anne and I went shopping at some new mall. And we got lost. And I found a really damn nice knee-length. But it cost about $100. Anne said I should get it. I remember trying it out. It was perfect. Then, the dream ended.

I don't like study-weekends.

I can remember the look he gave me when I walked into the bathroom; my eyes bleary, my hair a complete mess. I wanted to smile, but I don't smile when I wake up. I am not a morning person.

I wanna post something on Facebook before I go back to my tiny hellhole.

I hate it that I don't know what my dreams mean.

If we were a movie.

If we were a movie
You'd be the right guy
And I'd be the best friend
That you'd fall in love with
In the end
We'd be laughin'
Watchin' the sunset
Fade to black
Show the names
Play that happy song

I'm channelling Hannah Montana.

That's how far gone I am. HELP!
I need a break from Chemistry. So I'm going to do Physics later. Joy.

Good times

You know what? I'm probably making a huge mistake.

The road outside my house.

My usual torrent site is on the blitz. I'm currently mourning its unavailibility. Now I have to download Gossip Girl off a SUBSTITUTE. And after this, I have the bloody EOM to finish. Which sucks. My life's a drab sometimes.

Okay, it's not all that bad. There are a few reasons why my life's quite bearable.

1) The random thoughts of him. I have a love-hate relationship with my thoughts lah. Let's leave it at that.

2) Daryl's sleepover Daffodil-style after the promos.

3) Facebook visits that can bring a smile to my face.

4) I had a pretty good day hanging out with my clique in class.

I'm really liking my class a lot now. I like it that I'm getting closer to people that I never thought in my entire life I would get close to. I think the fact that we're a small bunch of misfits just make the entire thing even cooler. I once thought that the only people I would be close to were people who were mostly like me; loud, english-speaking, chatty, out-going. The exception being my BFFs, of course. But that's cuz' we've been friends since we were young 'uns. Now, I see that it's really possible to expand your social circle and include people you tend to overlook. And the results are awesome. I love my girls. I really do. They may not be anything like me, but they are loyal, sweet, and very lovely. And we can crack in a few laughs, which are not unwelcome.

The lunch today was so nice. It was something simple, yet showed how close we were getting.

And OP rehearsal wasn't so bad today. I really love my group. I think we're good together. :) I thank God for them.

I can't wait for the sleepover at Daryl's! It's gonna be awesome fun!

And I'm gonna tell him before China. It's confirmed.

Look into my eyes

It's too much. Really. I don't know what to do.
At this point, I'm taking things one at a time. I literally wait till I 'cross that bridge'. Really.
I'm not planning ahead. I'm not thinking of anything happening beyond next week. Heck, Im not thinking of tomorrow.
There's a lot going on tml, btw. So... not thinking of it is quite freaky. But I'm willing myself not to think about anything else. I spent too much time delving into the 'affairs of the heart', which FOR GODS' SAKE is NOT gonna get me any scholarship into any damn university any time soon!

Now that I'm back in reality and I had my 'fun', I have to face the consequences of my actions. Which are not pretty. And I'm totally going crazy over here.

Dear dear girl, how could you have let yourself slip? Over a guy, no less. C'mon.. you're not 13 anymore, are you?

Gosh, I WISH I was 13. Then again, I don't. I don't know. I just wanna do what God wanted me to do.

Then again, Alvin once told me that completing my education is the one thing He wants me to do now. Which I am trying to do. But it keeps presenting itself as an increasingly impossible thing to do.

Okay. God will make everything alright. Right? I don't know. I know I shouldnt do that. I'm confused. Should I rely on God? I mean... duh, I should. But God helps those who help themselves. Am I helping myself? I don't know. I'm SOO confused right now. I don't know if just praying will help, and I should stop worrying so much because God will provide. Or maybe He wanted me to be tested on something...?
I DON'T KNOW.

GOSSSHHHHH.

I'm completely going crazy. I really wanna stay at home for the remainder of the week and cool off, study at my own pace, etc.

But I can't. I didn't even STUDY for the most part of today. SO lazy, so lazy, so lazy. Couldn't bring myself to study, too bleahhh.... I'm SOOOOO screwed.

AARRGGHHH.. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna just give this up to God. Seriously. I wanna just leave it to him. Like.... if I retain, it was His Will.

Maybe I should pray more.

And.

I decided to tell him.

Now I just have to figure out when.

Probably before China.

Gotta be somebody

My brothers are so annoying. How I can love them still is BEYOND me. Sometimes, I love them wayy too much than they deserve.

My message today was:
that it's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes. Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth. Who makes your heart soar now?

It's really driving me nuts. Those long conversations I have with him are making it very hard for me. I feel like I should just stop talking to him altogether. Don't pick up his calls, don't call him.
I'm really trying to stop. But I can't! How can I when untangling the string is ALMOST impossible.. PLUS it just GOT worse because I found another tangle. ANOTHER ONE. Because, apparently, the tangles present are not enough... noooo..

Only, it's not as simple as a phone call, is it?

Anyway, I had tremendous fun yesterday. You know? I never thought I'd have fun playing with lanterns again. Tammy was right, I SHOULD embrace the child within more. Well, actually, I thought I was doing it wayy too much for my own good. *shrug*

I met Belle in church at 7 to do math. Only, SHE started telling people about her experiences at Ms A. Ang's wedding, so she didn't really study much. Okay, I didn't either. I was too busy laughing everytime she recounted her 'adventures'. Well, I tried. Hanging out with Belle was awesome. I love it when we get high together and do the stupidest things. I missed that.

Walked to ECP with Sharon, Desiree Khng, Bernie, and Bernie's boyfriend and little sister. We walked the long way, which when you think about it was cool, except for the fact that I was a bit worried that we couldn't find the underpass, so I got a bit worried, which kinda affected my atmosphere a bit.

Reached ECP and found the other group, (Andrew, Belle, Alex Boy, Brian, Raymond) and they were still discussing stuff, so we decided to wander off to the sea area to give them some peace. Suddenly, Belle shouted 'Steph! There got cockroaches!' And of course, I screamed. We ALLL screamed. (Cept Bernie's boyfriend.) and RAN. HAHAHA. It was like a comedy or something. The guys started laughing at us. Which is NOT cool.

I think the BEST part of the day was the SPARKLERS! That is ONE thing I'll never outgrow. We made the word 'Youhf', which was SO awesome... And I did the 'O', which was... easy. HAHA. Then we had jump-shots! OMG. HAHA. It was like the best youth moments all in one day mann.. But I think the jumpshots quite fail lah. HAHAHA. But it was fun! Especially when Alex went '1, 2, 3..' and we all RAN towards him. He was soo stunned. HAHA. And Brian said Andrew looked like he wanted to hantam Alex boy. HAHAHA.

We walked back to church and called Steph to do the Jesus cheer! I'm gonna miss her. I almost cried when she called me in the bus that evening. And then Brian entertained Belle and I with his 'ho-me-ma-de pi-ne-ap-ple ta-rt-s' and various 'laughing techniques'. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so bad. Brian is damn funny lahh.

Today, I met up with Nat! I was so happy cuz' I really hadn't seen her in a very long time. We talked and talked a lot. I really missed her. I miss our sleepovers. I wanna have one soon!!

Well, this is another week gone. And my life sometimes feels like it's passing me by..

But I count the blessings I have. My darling talkatives, my wondeful church friends, my girlfriends in class, my Daffodils clique, my lovely friends from school, my beautiful family, my love for God.

There is no other as blessed as I am.

My First Experience.

Today marked the first day of the rest of my life.

I realised how truly pampered I am.

Well, sort of lah.

Today, I stepped into a polyclinic. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I am not kidding. In my entire 17 years, I have never stepped into a poly clinic before. Ever.

It felt like I was entering a whole new world. Seriously.

After my consultation with the doctor, I went to the pharmacy.

Only I didn't know you were supposed to slip your paper into the box that said 'prescriptions' cuz' the private clinic near my home didn't have that kinda thing.

So I was waiting for a invariably long time... And soon after, this pharmacist guy came out and sighed '小姐阿。' He then took the prescription paper from my hand.

That was really embarrassing.

So anyway, this was a cool experience. And the fees are SOOO CHEAP. After everything, it cost me SIX DOLLARS. SIXXX.

It's times like this I really think the government's cool.

Testing out my microsoft office :D

I'm blogging with Microsoft word. Hopefully, this doesn't turn out weird on my blog.

Anyway, I've been studying a little. I hope to do more and hopefully finish my revision in time before the promos.

This is me asking the Lord for strength to overcome my laziness for the next 2 weeks.

Ganbatte!

It's getting good...

Gossip Girl is beyond what I expected. Tres bien, really!

And Right now? Operation FM is going to start again. With a different target.

It's not gonna be easy. Definitely. If anything, it'll be harder than I ever expected.

But I'll get through this.

Like I got through previous 'missions'.

And I'll come out stronger than I'd ever imagined.

IN JUNIOR COLLEGE...

In TKG...

I had never slept a wink in class.

In TJC...

My head hits the table as soon as the teacher steps in.

In TKG...

I had no/not much homework.

In TJC...

If I can finish half of what I have to do everyday, I've been efficient.

In TKG...

I fall sick once a year during flu season.

In TJC...

The doctor knows my name well enough to expect me often.

In TKG...

I skipped school after the exams.

In TJC...

I plan on whether I should GO to school the next day.

In TKG...

I became mildly stressed before the exam periods.

In TJC...

I become mildly stressed before every lecture/tutorial.

In TKG...

Be late? NO WAY!

In TJC...

Unimportant lesson in the morning... Should I just go late?

I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.

God wants you to know..

I'm really beginning to think that God wants me to know something very specific.

Well, either that or I'm just over-analysing everything. Again.

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Seriously, though! I keep getting the same message again and again in different forms.

Okay, FINE. So they could apply to anything. I'm just on a math high.

How will I know?

There's a boy I know
he's the one I dream of.
Looks into my eyes
takes me to the clouds above.

Oh I lose control
can't seem to get enough.
When I wake from dreamin' tell me
is it really love?


How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heartbeat.
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you' cause you know about these things.

How will I know if he's thinking of me?
I try to phone but I'm too shy - can't speak.
Falling in love is so bitter sweet.
This love is strong
why do I feel weak?

Is there a sure-fired way to know? Will I ever find out?

I'm not sitting on the sidewalk

Dear Chuck,

Thanks for the awesome time at dinner! Thanks for making my dull day a good one.

And I'm really glad we're getting closer! :DDD

Your stepsister,

S.

To thee I cry

You know how it is when you feel like you may be a few inches from falling off into an abyss?

I feel like that everyday now. As everything gets closer and things start to overwhelm me, I wonder exactly when I'm going to fall. Off.

Maybe it'd be soon. Maybe I'll fall now, and hopefully, the abyss is NOT an abyss and I'm able to stand up when I reach the bottom and start clawing my way to the top again.

Or maybe it's not as simple as it sounds. Maybe I'm meant to fall, never having to get up again.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe my contentedness, happiness, my smooth-sailing is supposed to end here.

I mean, I keep thinking that God has a plan for me, right? What if this IS his plan? He meant for me to fail to learn something.

Thing is, I DON'T want to learn something. Call it 'being too comfortable' in my own world, but I've been having it good for the past 17 years. Please don't let my fall be now.

I hope this is just me being paranoid. I REALLY hope this is the case. If it's not... I'm so screwed.

Guess what?

This morning, I had a laugh, which brightened the gloomy thought of it being 7am in the morning.

I saw someone in pyjamas. Someone. I won't say who though... cuz' it's not very nice.

And no... it wasn't someone in my family. -___-'' seriously.

But well, I didn't really expect to see that someone in PJs. Which was really REALLY cute. And I was so stunned. Cuz' I thought... you know.. he, like most people, would wear tshirts and shorts to sleep or something. But it was PYJAMAS.

Haha! I'm sorry if that someone happens to be reading this. It was just a very cute, kodak moment I needed to record so I can read this in 20 years and laugh. A lot.

Just wanted to let you know that when I saw him, I was so filled with mirth, I couldn't say any more than 5 words.

HAHAHAHA. :DDD

It's awesome to know that in the midst of all the PW and Promos drama, I can still find joy in the little things.

We're going down, down.

The PW timeline is tight.

And my promos are coming.

I need help.

When it all goes wrong, we walk.

I had a rather lazy day in school today. Exam mode hasn't kicked in. I'm feeling the worry and stress, yes. But I'm doing NOTHING about it. Which is... worrying.

Right now, I'm kinda gonna rely on the Lord a little over here. A little bit more than I should, really. I trust in him, so I mean, there's no harm in it right? I just hope I'm not killing myself over here.

Okay. School stuff out of the way.

I told Joan I would still be thinking about it. I still am. Can't get it out of my head. (Yes, yes, like the song...)

I keep thinking about... a lot of things actually. He's in my head a lot when I have nothing else to think about. Which is a little.. obsessive, maybe? Do you think that's obsessive?

It probably is, huh. Oh well, you can call me whatever you think I am. I really don't think I even care anymore. It just seems easier to keep thinking about him and not stop. It's a lazier method for one thing. And as you can probably tell, I'm feeling particularly LAZZZZYYYYY.

I want Alex boy to post the pictures soon! I want to see my 'Model Shots'. These are a series of kawaii pictures Steph took of me during lunch yesterday.

She went, 'Work it, Steph! Show me 'commercial'! 'High fashion'!' I just gave her a -____- look. And then I did the kawaii shots cuz' I feel sooooo kawaii! (haha.)

During the retreat, I actually cried when Joan smiled at me and said 'I love you' after my sharing. I really felt love. Sometimes, I can't believe I'm so blessed with such awesome friends.

It makes everything worth it. Even the miserable 'He likes me, he likes me not' hours.

I'm a mercedes benz! Vroom, vroom! :DDDD

I want to own an Audi. But my goal is this precious darling right here. :D

Now and forever

"I really can't bring myself to look at him when he stares at me like that. I look away fearing that one look will lock our eyes together permanently. I can't do that. He'll know."

I was typing happily away on blogger when my finger slipped and it brought me back to the previous page. Which meant my entire post was gone. Which is not cool, really.

Anyway, I just returned from my YC retreat (which I'm not gonna blog about... yet, anyway.)

Instead, I was going to bathe and go sleep.

However, I decided to pay my facebook a quick visit. There's this application called 'God wants you to know...' which displays inspirational messages or little random things you may want to know? Mine was:

The moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now.

The scary thing: I DO know what they are talking about. And even though it's obviously a random thing they send out, it's really too much of a coincidence.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should read my post a few days ago.. about my conversation with Joan.(September 10 2009) It's scary. It's really scary. I don't want to make a decision now? But, well, recent events have suggested that I do.... This is one of them. ONE of them...

So how?

You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
Now and Forever - Richard Marx

But we walk the plank on a sinking ship

My life is just... PW PW PW PW PW PW PW PW.

You know? If you look at the word long enough, it just looks like 'pow'. "Pow pow pow pow pow."

I really CAN'T wait for it to be over, although it has been fun working with my group members. :) And the silly things we do. That's always fun.

You know? I've been having weird dreams lately. Not weird good, or weird bad... Just... it's horribly annoying not being able to interpret my dreams, you know?

I was sifting through my drawer and I found the pieces of paper we got during Camp Daniel last year. There was one on dream interpretation, which I thought COULD be useful? But it wasn't.. The bottom line was 'your dreams are normally what YOU interpret it to be.' Which doesn't help much...
But just looking at those papers brought back so many memories from last year. The fun I had, the friends I made. And it was just one of those experiences that you don't want to forget, you know?

***Okay. I am completely freaked out by 'Friday the 13th' that my brother is playing in the living room. I'm trying to blast music through my headphones, but everytime there's a pause between songs, I hear screaming and I want to vomit.***

Anyway, I should get going.
I'm supposed to be studying.

And I'm having YC retreat over the next two days. :)

Dreams are just...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side


Doesn't this feel like a literature text?

Cheese mixed with onions and crackers.

Project Work will kill me if Promos don't take me first.

If you find me lifeless and cold on a sidewalk in the middle of October, tell my mother I love her.

Because I'm a Gossip Girl

Till tonight do us part

Dealing with menstrual cramps is not fun. It hurts. A lot.

But a day off school is something I can handle fairly well.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were never born?

And I'm so sorry, but not really.

I think I should just lock up my computer.

You’re a canary, I’m a coal mine
Cause sorrow is just all the rage
Take one for the team
You all know what I mean

And I’m so sorry, but not really
Tell the boys where to find my body
New York eyes, Chicago thighs
Pushed up the window to kiss you off

I've got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers. - Fall Out Boy


She walked into the room. Her eyes carried unshed tears that echoed years of bitterness which never found closure. She eyed the room unconciously, her eyes settling on an old dresser standing proudly in the corner. In a quick flash of movement, she crossed the bed and grabbed the sides of the aged furniture, shaking it violently. Her tears silently wet her face as she abused the dark brown oak, giving it a hefty push as she growled with frustration. The sound of wood smacking onto the wall seemed to wake her up. Her eyes blinked wide as she stared at the brutally, manhandled dresser. Something shiny on the floor caught her eye; A letter opener with elegant carvings on its handle. She slowly bent her aching knees, reaching out for the attractive object. Her long fingers curled themselves around the blade and she could feel warm liquid stain her palm as she tightened her fist. Drawing the knife closer to herself, she slowly opened her fist and stared at the beautiful markings on the handle, now stained with red. Her vision blurred once more as tear drops fell onto the knife, cleaning it of the crimson. Throwing the knife down, she abruptly stood up and dragged the back of her clean hand across her face, cleaning it. Then she walked towards the open hallway, never once looking back.

You're not here with me.

And school started. Not good.

Russell Peters - Haunted House/Playing DDR

This video had its swear words beeped out. And it's just SO cute! Must watch!

The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.

All I can say, is yay for blogger! Sometimes, it's a bitch that has a solution.

I had a dream last night that I want to remember because it really has been a while since I've had a nice dream, let alone a sweet one? All my dreams have been weird, or just... mundane. So this is something I want remembered in, 10 to 15 years. :)

I dreamt about my superman.

We were in a restaurant, a few friends of ours, and the two of us.

And I was supposed to sit across him, but more people came, and we decided to join tables.. And so he pulled me to sit next to him. Which seems like nothing much? But honestly? Someone whom you like pulls you close to him? It's like *eyes shine brightly*.

I can't remember what happened much during the dinner. I only remember getting something on my cheek. And so he leaned close and wiped it off for me. Which is like, *eyes shine even more brightly*.

These few actions may seem rather simple, but the emotions running through me were rather indescribable.

I know what Joan says. That it's crazy if I even THINK of the not-so-possible.... But what if it WAS possible, you know? I don't wanna think like that, because I know the horrible things that could happen should I think that way.. I should KNOW the horrible things VERY WELL actually. Plus, Joan would get the horrible-ness of the situation the second-worst because I'll go running to her in my upset-ness.

Okay.... so a FEW factors make it a tad.... even MORE not-so-possible... But, I mean, there's still a VERY small chance right? Like, winning the lottery... The odds are stacked a million to one? But SOMEONE's gotta win it. So, why not me? (Am I seriously comparing feelings to gambling?)

Anywayy, one thing is sure. This dream? Ain't gonna get rid of him. No way in hell. Anyway, it's already impossible to get rid of him. It'd be like trying to separate two pieces of tangled string. Have you ever tried that before? You'd go crazy. I mean, I'd know...

I have actually tried to untangle string before.