You are the weapon I choose.

I realise I can never get angry at him.

No. That's a lie. I can. Thing is, I can never STAY angry at him.

Not if I wanted to. Probably not if he ripped out my heart and left me to die.

I'd probably forgive him in a heartbeat if ever he looked at me with those pleading 'I'm sorry' eyes. Or that voice.

I don't think he realises how dangerous he is. He could very well hurt me to the extent where I'd stay paralysed forever. And I'd probably tell the prosecutor that I don't wanna press charges. And tell them to let him go.

I'm so screwed up, it's actually quite funny. And yet, I'll never stop. Not until he completely and utterly rejects me. Which will probably happen... Although he may have the heart to do it nicely. And how nice it could be. Fantastic.

And (get this, people!) I'd probably not even stop THEN! Yeah! Isn't it a laugh and a half? I'd probably still run to hug him even as he slowly gorges my heart out from its safe haven in my chest.

Like one of those things where you know you'll definitely get hurt. And yet you still insist on trying. Like touching the blue part of a burning candle. Or falling face-first into the icy-cold pool.

Or one of those things you do which you know you'd regret ever doing, yet do it anyway, because it just calls out to you. Like closing the bathroom door though you know extremely well that the broken lock only allows it to be opened from the inside.

It's a feeling only I understand. And you don't unless you know perfectly well what I'm going through. No one does actually. This is the one thing that cannot be indefinitely explained to any one person still living on this earth. Like the entire bible. Can't be explained.

The one thing good that probably comes out of this, is that it explains how I am most definitely not a robot. Even though I may be blue, green and yellow-brained (emergenetics), the only possible way which proves that I AM indeed a robot, is for me to look at this situation logically.

And NONE of this is logical. To the rest of the world, anyway.

The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.

All I can say, is yay for blogger! Sometimes, it's a bitch that has a solution.

I had a dream last night that I want to remember because it really has been a while since I've had a nice dream, let alone a sweet one? All my dreams have been weird, or just... mundane. So this is something I want remembered in, 10 to 15 years. :)

I dreamt about my superman.

We were in a restaurant, a few friends of ours, and the two of us.

And I was supposed to sit across him, but more people came, and we decided to join tables.. And so he pulled me to sit next to him. Which seems like nothing much? But honestly? Someone whom you like pulls you close to him? It's like *eyes shine brightly*.

I can't remember what happened much during the dinner. I only remember getting something on my cheek. And so he leaned close and wiped it off for me. Which is like, *eyes shine even more brightly*.

These few actions may seem rather simple, but the emotions running through me were rather indescribable.

I know what Joan says. That it's crazy if I even THINK of the not-so-possible.... But what if it WAS possible, you know? I don't wanna think like that, because I know the horrible things that could happen should I think that way.. I should KNOW the horrible things VERY WELL actually. Plus, Joan would get the horrible-ness of the situation the second-worst because I'll go running to her in my upset-ness.

Okay.... so a FEW factors make it a tad.... even MORE not-so-possible... But, I mean, there's still a VERY small chance right? Like, winning the lottery... The odds are stacked a million to one? But SOMEONE's gotta win it. So, why not me? (Am I seriously comparing feelings to gambling?)

Anywayy, one thing is sure. This dream? Ain't gonna get rid of him. No way in hell. Anyway, it's already impossible to get rid of him. It'd be like trying to separate two pieces of tangled string. Have you ever tried that before? You'd go crazy. I mean, I'd know...

I have actually tried to untangle string before.