A summer's disregard.

I've got a lot to do. That's probably why signs were telling me not to play mj at belle's.

So yes. Exams are over. But no, I'm not free. At all. Not even a little bit.

Oh well.... I'm just gonna hope for the best.

Anyway, in my hectic-ness, I managed to complete Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol'. How? Well, basically, before yesterday, I kept sleeping at 1. Which isn't really very.. healthy. Which is why I slept at 2130 yesterday. Which, again isn't very... healthy.

And now, I'm starting on Jane Eyre. Which is a really good book. I'm enthralled by it. Sort of.

Anyway, the date is set. I think. I don't really know actually. I'm scared. I don't really know what to say to him, how to say it to him... I'm scared shitless basically. Janice suggested I start practicing. So I told Henry and Zong Yang that I liked them. At separate times. Henry's reaction was a funny sound. Like a 'Yeah right, mm-hmm' sorta thing. Hahaha! And 'Darius' gave me a look like I just told him I was going to Afghanistan to sun-bathe. Okay. It wasn't exactly 'real' practice, but I mean.. the reactions were funny enough.

I'm getting closer to my guys in my class. Like LZY, Henrzzz and Oliver. HAHA. Yes, even though Oli's been real irritating, calling me a bimbo and throwing water at me, he's a fun guy lah. And it's fun to talk to him. Maybe I should practice on him too. HEH.

I want to talk to people. But they're just not showing themselves online. OR anywhere... it's a little upsetting. Especially since I've started to get closer to them and I kinda miss them. =/

I'm still scared. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'd react. I'm scared. All I know is that this is something I need to do. It is. It feels right. Even though I wanna keep chickening out? I know I'm gonna do it in the end. Regardless of the results. It's just something I have to do. Right?

Not listening in chem lecture

I know i'm supposed to be listening, but i just feel like sleeping. and the bell just rung, so i just wasted 50 mins of my life doing nothing but going to facebook and talking to jie hui. I should be hung. I'm completely satisfied, happy even, with my results.

If tomorrow never comes

 

So what is the deal? I can't seem to find a foothold anymore. I may be going off balance. Tripping into the abyss that is my life. Nice.

I like the game of 'three words'. Completely threw us off playing mahjong (and it took 4 hours to finish one game) but it was stupid and funny.

Actually, the whole thing was stupid and funny. And people would go crazy. Very crazy. And sing. And sing some more.

I know I told some people that I would never get a tattoo.. But I'm considering it. I know. It's completely berserk. At the same time, you only live once, right?

And I should stop going out after school. I know my promos are over, but there are things I have to do. Things that I seem to be avoiding. Not good.

And I don't know how I'm gonna tell him. Because I keep replaying the same scene over and over again. And the results are getting more in my favour each time.

I blame him. And me, mostly. But him. HE *points* did THIS. So yes. I don't think I'm prepared for the worst. So right now, I'm preparing to be unprepared for the worst.

Oh. And I decided that I hate the part of a funeral where they let you view the body going into the furnace. I don't ever wanna see it again. It's horrible. And completely cruel.

And I think I did well for Econs and Math. And chem.. That was a surprise. A good surprise. J

(This was written on the 26^th of October 2009 at 2330. However, Blogger screwed up. So..)

You are the reason that I still believe

Everything hurts. My arms feel like they're perpetually lifting heavy objects. My abdomen feels like my brother made it his favourite couch. All thanks to cable-skiing yesterday. Which was completely and utterly fantastic! Ping said it would hurt like shit today. It did.

I couldn't get the hang of it. Especially the wave-boarding. But knee-boarding was so much easier. And well, although I flew into the water a few times, i still made it to the furthest part of the lagoon in the end. Which is not really cool because then you have to walk back. But it's okay lah.

I'm just glad I wore my contacts.

Anyway, I really don't wanna go to school today. I planned to, later on, because I have a lot of stuff I need to do in school. But I don't feel like moving...

Talking to Ping was really cool yesterday. I think the way she squealed when we talked was so cute. Haha! I really didn't expect her to have so much juicy stuff to say. So adorable. :))

We talked for one hour plus near the drink stall. I didn't bring a towel after cable-skiing, being the smart girl I was. So I was wet, with my shirt sticking uncomfortably to my skin. And my hair was crazy dry and matted. But it smelt like sea water which was refreshing! (Not 'smelly', as Ping described it.)

I ate horribly unhealthy orh-luak for dinner. And Ping ate char kuay teow. I told her I didn't really like it cuz' it was too oily for me. Which is weird cuz' what I was eating was so much more oilier than her food. But I'm weird, so yeah.

Had the most tense-est liturgy meeting of my life yesterday. It was completely fine and stuff, you know? Ladies night (and one guy) and all that.. But then it turned into the topic of reshuffling the groups. (My group was not affected of course, cuz' you had to be 17- 20-ish to join. And no one really meets that criteria anymore.) And me and belle was just laying in the corner, looking back and forth as the chilled ladies night almost turned into a total cat fight complete with cake and icing. But it was cool in the end. I think. It ended rather amicably.. sort of. With ladies, it's always hard to tell. You could tell that the animosity was still a little present, even as they ended the night. But it gave way to a spiritual ending, cuz' you know, everything needs to start and end with God.

You know how to look for that silver-lining? Draw it yourself.

Cause you keep me from falling apart

I'm gonna make a list of things that are happening before the year ends. I know I've done this already... but it wasn't very apparent or blatant then. Now that there's about 2 months left in the year, I would like to explicitly mention what I'm supposed to commit to. In 2 months.

- Project Work (WR submission: 31st Oct. OP date: 10th Nov)
- China trip (17th Nov - 1st Dec)
- Band camp (3rd Dec - 5th Dec)
- Church camp (10th - 13th Dec)
- Fiesta concert (11th Dec)
- Acapella (27th Dec)

This things? They don't start on those dates mentioned. They require work, and planning, and more planning, and more work. And hours I can't afford. And these are only the major things I need to worry about. There're many small tiny pain-in-the-ass things I need to do too.

Oh right. Note the dates. See the spaces in between. It's a laugh.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

Young love in the sun.

The sleepover was fantastic! We baked, watched movies, and gossiped, and all that.

Daryl's maids made awesome food! For dinner, we had pasta, sausages, black-pepper chicken wings, potato salad with egg and avacado with bacon. For breakfast, we had smoked sausages, scrambled eggs, ham, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms and tomatos. o.0

I had an awesome time talking to Shufen today. I'm really glad we're getting closer. I like having someone to relate to. It seems like we're having the same set of problems. Okay, well maybe not the same? But it's rather similar.

I guess after the promos, it just leaves my heart wide open for everything to sink back in. Everything that everyone said to 'wait after promos' for has decided to sneak out of its little holding cell and let itself loose on all humanity.

Anyway, I've pretty much decided that this is right. And that I should do it. And whether it becomes something I regret or not, well, at least I tried.

Sometimes I wish I had a simple crush on a simple boy like other normal girls. And that even if nothing happened, well, it wouldn't be bad. At all. It would be rather teenage-ish, actually? And normal. And sane.

Not crazy like this.

And well, when it comes down to it, all I want to do is do it and hope for the very best. While preparing for the very worst.

I will not leave alone everything that I own.

Okay. The Temasek Junior College Promotional Examinations are over.

So today was supposed to be a good day... And it was, for the most part? But things just happen to really just ruin your entire mood. Stupid, stupid things.

Anyway, Joan just cheered me up again. She showed me this video on youtube about kids fighting zombies. It's a prank some producers pulled on the kids. It's SOO cute.

Walking around Ikea was fun. I could've enjoyed it a bit more if I remembered my solution. My contacts were soooo dry. =/

Lunch was.. WOAH. I had swedish meatballs. I LOVE IKEA MEATBALLS. And the chicken wings were to DIE for.

And I loved walking around sitting on the beds, playing with the kids toys, sitting on the couches, playing 'kitchen' in the man's kitchen. I like how Huiling, Janice, Yiwen and I would just walk around aimlessly, and find Ping and Yvonne sitting in some ulu place.

And how we couldn't find them in the end. HAHA.

And there was this STUPID prank call from some idiots about a cat. -__________-''

Well, anyway, it was awesome hanging out with the girls. And Ikea furniture is cool.

I want a loft.

And you know what? I don't need you. I have such good friends, no one can take them away from me. Screw you.

You pissed me off so bad..

So why is it I don't immediately never speak to you again?

Cuz' this is real.

I don't know anymore. Just when I thought everything was going so perfectly? I told my girlfriends in school everything. And it really comforted me. They didn't judge. They COULDN'T judge because they didn't know who he was. It felt good. I know my best friends mean well, but sometimes, it gets tiring to hear their 'you know... right?' Yes, I know, I know. And it was cool that they thought it was cute. I really love them sometimes. It was awesome that they really wanted to know. To listen to everything. I don't know. It felt different. And now? It's shit again. Because everything's just changing. I still want to tell him. But how? How do I let him know? Especially when things are this crazy. I can't. Can I? I want to. Really. I never wanted to, ever. But now I feel like I should. I don't know. I want to end my misery.

I just realised how complicated it was. I mean, it was VERY complicated, I know. But this is just. This is madness. This is crazyness. This is like hanging myself from a tree.

And you can't imagine how awful I feel. I didn't mean it okay? I didn't PLAN for it to happen. It just did. I'm sorry okay? Don't get angry. Or upset. I know you were upset about it.. and I made it worse. I didn't want to. Why would I even THINK of doing anything to hurt you when all I want is for YOU to be happy?? Have you ever thought about how I feel? This sucks. I know. And I'm sorry. But you CAN'T expect me to be there for you all the time. That's crazy. I'm not your lackey. I have a life. I'm 17. I'm going to live it. I can't be expected to say 'yes' to you all the time. Even though that's pretty much what I'm doing now, aren't I? Such a stupid girl. So stop sulking. Please. Stop making me feel horrid about myself. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't promise you anything. Stop it.

Gosh. This is.. wow. Promos were nothing compared to this. I'd rather take them again.

No. Actually, I wouldn't.

4 in the morning.

It's odd to be awake when no one else is.

I'm hoping the Econs paper won't kill me today. Really.

I won't let you down.

I love Yvonne.

When she said that, I was really happy inside. Even though it's really a fantasy.

I'm sooooo screwed.

A few hours to my first paper.

Shit. It's almost midnight and I can't sleep.

And I have a paper tml.

You know what? I couldn't stop smiling when I read that message.

serenity

The more you want to tighten the ropes, the more likely they will snap.

It's times like these, you just needa have a lil' more faith in the Big Guy up there.

Cuz' he loves us all. And he ain't tightening the ropes... He's just waiting for the boat to come back to the shore.

Sticky, stuffy, stuffed.

I had a fantastic time with Joan and Manny. As Manny wrote in his phone, he had 'Dinner with the awesome steph and joan'. (Okay, I put it there, but whatever.)

We went to Sakae for unagi, sashimi, and soft-shell crabs! And Manny kept complaining that we were bullying him.. Well, Joan and I HAVE been best friends for 12 years. 12 years MORE, Manny!

After a really nice dinner filled with laughter (and Manny NOT getting some of our jokes... Like the 'mine cup' one. Sheesh.) we went to 32 degrees farenheit for dessert. An ice-shavings place at Marine Parade.

We accept payment by CASH only.
We do not accept 5c coin as part of company policy.

Manny ordered milk and durian. HAHA. Which was the highlight of dessert, actually. Because our Yakult-flavours mixed with fruit tasted so much nicer... And Manny's milk just turned into lumps of ice with milk. The milk tasted... condensed. And Joan said he should've just ordered the milk with cereal and bananas. HAHA.

He would scoop a big spoon of ice shavings, shove the whole thing in his mouth, and take out the spoon with half of the ice still on it. HAHAHA. And he has a BAD habit of speaking with his mouth full, so his words would come out as 'mmfffmmfmfmmfmdffm. Durian.' HAHA.

I had an awesome time tonight. I needed to laugh. :DD

I never told you all I wanted to say.

Okayy.. I'm in need of a well-deserved break. I really think I deserve it. I've been studying since 10am this morning. I deserve it.

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. Hmm.

Anyway,

I had trouble falling asleep last night. And when I did? I had SOOO many dreams. Some were very nice. :) Some I can't remember. But I think that was the first time I could remember more than one dream per night.

Which is cool.

I need a break. I'm so tired.

I'm a little screwed... Instead of preparing for the worst, I keep thinking positively. VERY positively. Which is good lah. But I'm scared of what my expectations would do to me..

Okay, I might be going crazy. Math is the only thing that can make me feel that way.

I dreamt that he was super caring. But you know? It could be more like a brother-sister kind of care.. He 'forced' me to drink water. Even poured it into a cup for me. "Go, drink it first." He gestured towards the filled cup. I don't even know why I had to drink water.

La la la.... I shall start studying again at 3!

I dreamt that he woke me up because he wanted to help me adjust my tablecloth. I'm not kidding. There were holes in it and he didn't like it. So he woke me up. .... But he said we could go for lunch/dinner (can't remember) after that. I didn't want to wake up though. So I continued sleeping until my mum barged into the room screaming. He was waiting for me at the dining table.

Studying is a waste of a perfectly good Friday afternoon. But it's good for my grades.

I dreamt that Anne and I went shopping at some new mall. And we got lost. And I found a really damn nice knee-length. But it cost about $100. Anne said I should get it. I remember trying it out. It was perfect. Then, the dream ended.

I don't like study-weekends.

I can remember the look he gave me when I walked into the bathroom; my eyes bleary, my hair a complete mess. I wanted to smile, but I don't smile when I wake up. I am not a morning person.

I wanna post something on Facebook before I go back to my tiny hellhole.

I hate it that I don't know what my dreams mean.

If we were a movie.

If we were a movie
You'd be the right guy
And I'd be the best friend
That you'd fall in love with
In the end
We'd be laughin'
Watchin' the sunset
Fade to black
Show the names
Play that happy song

I'm channelling Hannah Montana.

That's how far gone I am. HELP!
I need a break from Chemistry. So I'm going to do Physics later. Joy.

Good times

You know what? I'm probably making a huge mistake.

The road outside my house.

My usual torrent site is on the blitz. I'm currently mourning its unavailibility. Now I have to download Gossip Girl off a SUBSTITUTE. And after this, I have the bloody EOM to finish. Which sucks. My life's a drab sometimes.

Okay, it's not all that bad. There are a few reasons why my life's quite bearable.

1) The random thoughts of him. I have a love-hate relationship with my thoughts lah. Let's leave it at that.

2) Daryl's sleepover Daffodil-style after the promos.

3) Facebook visits that can bring a smile to my face.

4) I had a pretty good day hanging out with my clique in class.

I'm really liking my class a lot now. I like it that I'm getting closer to people that I never thought in my entire life I would get close to. I think the fact that we're a small bunch of misfits just make the entire thing even cooler. I once thought that the only people I would be close to were people who were mostly like me; loud, english-speaking, chatty, out-going. The exception being my BFFs, of course. But that's cuz' we've been friends since we were young 'uns. Now, I see that it's really possible to expand your social circle and include people you tend to overlook. And the results are awesome. I love my girls. I really do. They may not be anything like me, but they are loyal, sweet, and very lovely. And we can crack in a few laughs, which are not unwelcome.

The lunch today was so nice. It was something simple, yet showed how close we were getting.

And OP rehearsal wasn't so bad today. I really love my group. I think we're good together. :) I thank God for them.

I can't wait for the sleepover at Daryl's! It's gonna be awesome fun!

And I'm gonna tell him before China. It's confirmed.

Look into my eyes

It's too much. Really. I don't know what to do.
At this point, I'm taking things one at a time. I literally wait till I 'cross that bridge'. Really.
I'm not planning ahead. I'm not thinking of anything happening beyond next week. Heck, Im not thinking of tomorrow.
There's a lot going on tml, btw. So... not thinking of it is quite freaky. But I'm willing myself not to think about anything else. I spent too much time delving into the 'affairs of the heart', which FOR GODS' SAKE is NOT gonna get me any scholarship into any damn university any time soon!

Now that I'm back in reality and I had my 'fun', I have to face the consequences of my actions. Which are not pretty. And I'm totally going crazy over here.

Dear dear girl, how could you have let yourself slip? Over a guy, no less. C'mon.. you're not 13 anymore, are you?

Gosh, I WISH I was 13. Then again, I don't. I don't know. I just wanna do what God wanted me to do.

Then again, Alvin once told me that completing my education is the one thing He wants me to do now. Which I am trying to do. But it keeps presenting itself as an increasingly impossible thing to do.

Okay. God will make everything alright. Right? I don't know. I know I shouldnt do that. I'm confused. Should I rely on God? I mean... duh, I should. But God helps those who help themselves. Am I helping myself? I don't know. I'm SOO confused right now. I don't know if just praying will help, and I should stop worrying so much because God will provide. Or maybe He wanted me to be tested on something...?
I DON'T KNOW.

GOSSSHHHHH.

I'm completely going crazy. I really wanna stay at home for the remainder of the week and cool off, study at my own pace, etc.

But I can't. I didn't even STUDY for the most part of today. SO lazy, so lazy, so lazy. Couldn't bring myself to study, too bleahhh.... I'm SOOOOO screwed.

AARRGGHHH.. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna just give this up to God. Seriously. I wanna just leave it to him. Like.... if I retain, it was His Will.

Maybe I should pray more.

And.

I decided to tell him.

Now I just have to figure out when.

Probably before China.

Gotta be somebody

My brothers are so annoying. How I can love them still is BEYOND me. Sometimes, I love them wayy too much than they deserve.

My message today was:
that it's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes. Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth. Who makes your heart soar now?

It's really driving me nuts. Those long conversations I have with him are making it very hard for me. I feel like I should just stop talking to him altogether. Don't pick up his calls, don't call him.
I'm really trying to stop. But I can't! How can I when untangling the string is ALMOST impossible.. PLUS it just GOT worse because I found another tangle. ANOTHER ONE. Because, apparently, the tangles present are not enough... noooo..

Only, it's not as simple as a phone call, is it?

Anyway, I had tremendous fun yesterday. You know? I never thought I'd have fun playing with lanterns again. Tammy was right, I SHOULD embrace the child within more. Well, actually, I thought I was doing it wayy too much for my own good. *shrug*

I met Belle in church at 7 to do math. Only, SHE started telling people about her experiences at Ms A. Ang's wedding, so she didn't really study much. Okay, I didn't either. I was too busy laughing everytime she recounted her 'adventures'. Well, I tried. Hanging out with Belle was awesome. I love it when we get high together and do the stupidest things. I missed that.

Walked to ECP with Sharon, Desiree Khng, Bernie, and Bernie's boyfriend and little sister. We walked the long way, which when you think about it was cool, except for the fact that I was a bit worried that we couldn't find the underpass, so I got a bit worried, which kinda affected my atmosphere a bit.

Reached ECP and found the other group, (Andrew, Belle, Alex Boy, Brian, Raymond) and they were still discussing stuff, so we decided to wander off to the sea area to give them some peace. Suddenly, Belle shouted 'Steph! There got cockroaches!' And of course, I screamed. We ALLL screamed. (Cept Bernie's boyfriend.) and RAN. HAHAHA. It was like a comedy or something. The guys started laughing at us. Which is NOT cool.

I think the BEST part of the day was the SPARKLERS! That is ONE thing I'll never outgrow. We made the word 'Youhf', which was SO awesome... And I did the 'O', which was... easy. HAHA. Then we had jump-shots! OMG. HAHA. It was like the best youth moments all in one day mann.. But I think the jumpshots quite fail lah. HAHAHA. But it was fun! Especially when Alex went '1, 2, 3..' and we all RAN towards him. He was soo stunned. HAHA. And Brian said Andrew looked like he wanted to hantam Alex boy. HAHAHA.

We walked back to church and called Steph to do the Jesus cheer! I'm gonna miss her. I almost cried when she called me in the bus that evening. And then Brian entertained Belle and I with his 'ho-me-ma-de pi-ne-ap-ple ta-rt-s' and various 'laughing techniques'. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so bad. Brian is damn funny lahh.

Today, I met up with Nat! I was so happy cuz' I really hadn't seen her in a very long time. We talked and talked a lot. I really missed her. I miss our sleepovers. I wanna have one soon!!

Well, this is another week gone. And my life sometimes feels like it's passing me by..

But I count the blessings I have. My darling talkatives, my wondeful church friends, my girlfriends in class, my Daffodils clique, my lovely friends from school, my beautiful family, my love for God.

There is no other as blessed as I am.

My First Experience.

Today marked the first day of the rest of my life.

I realised how truly pampered I am.

Well, sort of lah.

Today, I stepped into a polyclinic. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I am not kidding. In my entire 17 years, I have never stepped into a poly clinic before. Ever.

It felt like I was entering a whole new world. Seriously.

After my consultation with the doctor, I went to the pharmacy.

Only I didn't know you were supposed to slip your paper into the box that said 'prescriptions' cuz' the private clinic near my home didn't have that kinda thing.

So I was waiting for a invariably long time... And soon after, this pharmacist guy came out and sighed '小姐阿。' He then took the prescription paper from my hand.

That was really embarrassing.

So anyway, this was a cool experience. And the fees are SOOO CHEAP. After everything, it cost me SIX DOLLARS. SIXXX.

It's times like this I really think the government's cool.

Testing out my microsoft office :D

I'm blogging with Microsoft word. Hopefully, this doesn't turn out weird on my blog.

Anyway, I've been studying a little. I hope to do more and hopefully finish my revision in time before the promos.

This is me asking the Lord for strength to overcome my laziness for the next 2 weeks.

Ganbatte!

It's getting good...

Gossip Girl is beyond what I expected. Tres bien, really!

And Right now? Operation FM is going to start again. With a different target.

It's not gonna be easy. Definitely. If anything, it'll be harder than I ever expected.

But I'll get through this.

Like I got through previous 'missions'.

And I'll come out stronger than I'd ever imagined.