I know you're gone, you said you're gone, but I can still feel you're here.

My blog will be on a hiatus for a bit. But I suppose not blogging for about 2 weeks now would've given some that idea.

I need to firstly, do up another header, because obviously, I need to update the old picture.

And also, I think maybe my life is in a bit of a mess right now. Like, mentally and emotionally.

It's fixable. All of it is. But time is what I need right now.

When I say hiatus, I probably don't mean for long. I don't know. It really depends on my mood.

Whatever it is, if you're a loyal reader, I wish you well.

And if you've happened to stumble upon this, I also wish you well, because why not.

Lost and not found

I think I probably shouldn't kid myself anymore...

I think it was over the moment I told him I was unhappy.

It was finalised when he told me those words.

It was done even though I told him to take a few days to think about it.

It's over.

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

I'm currently suffering from a one-off case (hopefully) of insomnia. Which is aggravated by the fact that I should be sleeping right now because I'm not feeling very well.

But of course, my scratchy throat and just the plain fact that I can't seem to achieve REM sleep means I'm here typing away.

I just... I'm just wondering if somehow, he knew that I am missing him terribly.

The days are fine, the days pass and I often have more than one thing to do (although being unemployed is still slightly saddening), and then the night comes... (I'm starting to sound like Rachel in that episode of Friends where she's trying to stall Monica from getting ready for her wedding. I swear I can almost hear Monica going 'Okay, the days and nights are hard, I get it.')

But, moving away from that slightly amusing little side story, I really miss him. And I hate being stuck in this limbo area, not even knowing at this point if we're technically already broken up, or not. It's gonna be our 3rd month-iversary next week. That is, if we're even still together in the first place.

It's getting more and more frustrating every day. I don't want to rush him, I want him to make an informed decision (I sound like an MD) and for us to talk things out. But, on the other hand, I also want him to tell me now - is this happening, or not?

Am I just wasting my time here? Or do we have something to work on? I mentioned the fine balance before. It was as thick as a 15" board before, not totally stable, but still comfortable enough to walk across. Every day, it gets thinner, and now I honestly don't know how thin it would be. Probably unstable enough that it might actually break without warning.

And again, I miss him. I'm trying to focus on our good memories together, and there have been so many, but dear, oh dear, that just makes everything a million times worse. Because I don't know if I should follow that with thoughts of 'and this is what'll happen when we see each other again!' or 'and this is all i have left of him to cherish.' 

To be extremely honest, I'd rather him tell me now that we're officially broken up. Don't get me wrong, I will be very heart-broken, beyond repair for a while. And I will be depressed, and my blog posts would be agonisingly painful to read. And since my readership is currently as low as the GDP growth in Zimbabwe, that basically means I'm just moaning to my pitiful self. But, at least I could start to move on, think of the year ahead, with the classes I wanna take. And start truly thinking of whether I'd want to stay in the UK or move back home. For me. And only me. No one else.

But right now, I can't do that. I'm still thinking that I need to find a way to stay with him in the UK. I'm wondering if maybe he'd want to come visit Singapore for a bit next summer. I'm thinking of plans with him, and then in the next minute, my brain is like 'yeah. All this for moot.' And then I go back to being completely frustrated.

I don't know if he knows. I wish I could just tell him. But of course, as with everything I've just typed in here, I can't. I don't know if he knows I miss him, and still love him dearly, and want him to just make a fucking decision already, please! 

In a few months, I will probably go back, read this, and laugh. And wonder how I got to such a pitiful stage where my future (near, or otherwise) seems to be controlled by a man, whose name I'd never even heard of just slightly more than 3 months ago.

Life is really just a bucket of amusement sometimes.

Oh yes, this is just a side note for my close dear friends who might potentially be worried when they see this and think 'dear Lord, I have to save her!' I'm fine. I honestly, truly am. I get dramatic and tend to over-exaggerate when I write things here largely because I can. But honestly, I still have so much to be grateful for and I know that. So please, don't pick up the phone and call a suicide hotline and warn them about a potential victim. Just read, remember how expressive I tend to get, and tone it down in your head about 10-20 times. That's probably what I truly feel most of the time anyway. And I do love you lot because I know that you only worry because you care, but if I hear another 'You need to chill!', I will personally rub ice-cubes down your spine and scream 'Is this enough?!' (But I will do it in the most loving way possible because again, I know it's only because you care.)
Okay the last part sounded slightly creepy.

And you coming back to me is against all odds.

I think this is one of the first few times in my entire life where I can't seem to picture my future. It's just a mess of blurriness. I don't know where I'm going to end up, where I want to end up.

I love Singapore, I do. It's my home. It's where I grew up, it's where my family is. It's where everything is comfortable and familiar. It's where I speak Singlish, where my friends are. And yet, I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. I feel too large for this little red dot (in more ways than one). I feel too constricted by certain rules and regulations.

And then there's the UK. It would be beyond scary to move there permanently. I've gotten used to certain things in that country, and yet, it would be different once my friends leave, and I'm there alone. Struggling to build a life there on my own. All alone. And yet, the possibilities are endless. I could thrive, or I could sink. It would be an adventure to call my own.

I really don't know what's gonna happen in a year. To be honest, I'm just trying to get past this phase in my life. It's still a bit hard. And as I was doing laps round the pool today, I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that, well, maybe I might end up alone.

And in all honesty, that idea didn't really scare me. I mean, I've always been a rather independent girl. I've had mild glimpses of what it would be like to be in a relationship. Very mild. Like... tip of the iceberg sort of glimpses. And well, maybe that's just it.

To be honest, trying to find your 'other half' after university becomes somewhat of a herculean task. When I start working, I'm pretty sure I'd be spending most of my time dedicated to my job. After all, that's how I've been doing it all my life. Focusing my time and energy on things I love and am committed to. So, dating options might be relegated to those speed dating type nonsense and online dating. And we all know how the latter option worked out. I'm really not being resigned to fate here. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not being whiny.

I'm just saying, if I were to end up alone. I'd be okay with that. Because at least I loved and lost, and we all know that's better than never having loved at all.

To be honest, I always thought being in a serious relationship would make my decision on whether I'd be living in the UK or in Singapore more certain. But it truly doesn't. I feel like I'm being forced to choose quicker, if only to ease the worries of both parties.

So yeah, here we are. At this point, I'm really not unhappy. I can't exactly say I'm happy either. While the fate of my relationship continues to hang in the balance, with me having absolutely no control at this moment on the outcome, I can't really do anything but wait patiently for the verdict. I don't want to hope too much for a 'good verdict', and yet I don't want to completely give up as well. It's a fine balance. Too fine. I suppose, for the most part, I'm just mostly watching Masterchef Australia and doing nonsense to my hair.

I shall straighten it tomorrow. And it will be the first time it has been straightened in 2 years.

Ooh lah lah!

So confused, my heart's bruised.

I can only sit here and wonder if I just let one of the best things that ever happened to me slip away.

And all because I pushed him too far and too much.

I'm so new at this relationship thing it's not even funny.

It takes so much energy for me to just control myself from screaming.

It's just so unbelievable how little control I have over the situation, and that scares the hell out of me.

So, now that the deed is done. I can only sit here and wait. And wonder.

Out of reach, so far.