But of course, my scratchy throat and just the plain fact that I can't seem to achieve REM sleep means I'm here typing away.
I just... I'm just wondering if somehow, he knew that I am missing him terribly.
The days are fine, the days pass and I often have more than one thing to do (although being unemployed is still slightly saddening), and then the night comes... (I'm starting to sound like Rachel in that episode of Friends where she's trying to stall Monica from getting ready for her wedding. I swear I can almost hear Monica going 'Okay, the days and nights are hard, I get it.')
But, moving away from that slightly amusing little side story, I really miss him. And I hate being stuck in this limbo area, not even knowing at this point if we're technically already broken up, or not. It's gonna be our 3rd month-iversary next week. That is, if we're even still together in the first place.
It's getting more and more frustrating every day. I don't want to rush him, I want him to make an informed decision (I sound like an MD) and for us to talk things out. But, on the other hand, I also want him to tell me now - is this happening, or not?
Am I just wasting my time here? Or do we have something to work on? I mentioned the fine balance before. It was as thick as a 15" board before, not totally stable, but still comfortable enough to walk across. Every day, it gets thinner, and now I honestly don't know how thin it would be. Probably unstable enough that it might actually break without warning.
And again, I miss him. I'm trying to focus on our good memories together, and there have been so many, but dear, oh dear, that just makes everything a million times worse. Because I don't know if I should follow that with thoughts of 'and this is what'll happen when we see each other again!' or 'and this is all i have left of him to cherish.'
To be extremely honest, I'd rather him tell me now that we're officially broken up. Don't get me wrong, I will be very heart-broken, beyond repair for a while. And I will be depressed, and my blog posts would be agonisingly painful to read. And since my readership is currently as low as the GDP growth in Zimbabwe, that basically means I'm just moaning to my pitiful self. But, at least I could start to move on, think of the year ahead, with the classes I wanna take. And start truly thinking of whether I'd want to stay in the UK or move back home. For me. And only me. No one else.
But right now, I can't do that. I'm still thinking that I need to find a way to stay with him in the UK. I'm wondering if maybe he'd want to come visit Singapore for a bit next summer. I'm thinking of plans with him, and then in the next minute, my brain is like 'yeah. All this for moot.' And then I go back to being completely frustrated.
I don't know if he knows. I wish I could just tell him. But of course, as with everything I've just typed in here, I can't. I don't know if he knows I miss him, and still love him dearly, and want him to just make a fucking decision already, please!
In a few months, I will probably go back, read this, and laugh. And wonder how I got to such a pitiful stage where my future (near, or otherwise) seems to be controlled by a man, whose name I'd never even heard of just slightly more than 3 months ago.
Life is really just a bucket of amusement sometimes.
Oh yes, this is just a side note for my close dear friends who might potentially be worried when they see this and think 'dear Lord, I have to save her!' I'm fine. I honestly, truly am. I get dramatic and tend to over-exaggerate when I write things here largely because I can. But honestly, I still have so much to be grateful for and I know that. So please, don't pick up the phone and call a suicide hotline and warn them about a potential victim. Just read, remember how expressive I tend to get, and tone it down in your head about 10-20 times. That's probably what I truly feel most of the time anyway. And I do love you lot because I know that you only worry because you care, but if I hear another 'You need to chill!', I will personally rub ice-cubes down your spine and scream 'Is this enough?!' (But I will do it in the most loving way possible because again, I know it's only because you care.)
Okay the last part sounded slightly creepy.
Oh yes, this is just a side note for my close dear friends who might potentially be worried when they see this and think 'dear Lord, I have to save her!' I'm fine. I honestly, truly am. I get dramatic and tend to over-exaggerate when I write things here largely because I can. But honestly, I still have so much to be grateful for and I know that. So please, don't pick up the phone and call a suicide hotline and warn them about a potential victim. Just read, remember how expressive I tend to get, and tone it down in your head about 10-20 times. That's probably what I truly feel most of the time anyway. And I do love you lot because I know that you only worry because you care, but if I hear another 'You need to chill!', I will personally rub ice-cubes down your spine and scream 'Is this enough?!' (But I will do it in the most loving way possible because again, I know it's only because you care.)
Okay the last part sounded slightly creepy.
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