Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Okay I am a fucking mess.

And the thing is, I don't think anyone understands. Fuck, even I don't understand myself for the most part.

Okay. I like him.

But I don't know if I like the idea of him more. Or the idea that maybe I'll be getting a boyfriend soon.

I think he's majorly cute. He is so handsome. And when we kiss I actually get butterflies in my stomach.

When he looks at me, I get shy. And when he teases me, I get annoyed, but I feel special and happy that he's comfortable enough to do that with me.

Of course, it doesn't matter because it doesn't look like he feels the way.

And that's a horrible feeling. But as much as it pains me, I'll have to let him go.

Can't even say we can still be friends or whatever. We live such different lives that if it doesn't work out, I guess I won't be seeing him much anymore.

Soooo yeah. I guess I shall be prepared for tomorrow and... we'll see what happens.

Keep my expectations low. As low as possible.

I would say I need a drink, but after last night's craziness, I just need closure.

Do you ever feel like a waste of space?

I swear I think it's the stress and the PMS.

Feel so horrible right now.

Feel like... Whatever happened 2 days ago was a one-off thing and that... my life will be filled with little happy one-off moments and the rest is just...

Maybe I'm destined to end up alone.

Maybe the little happy moments in my life will just stay memories and... yeah.

Fuck. I need a drink.

Let it never be said, 'the romance is dead'.

And so begins a new chapter in my life... Amid the tons and tons of work.

But it's okay. Because I'm not rushing into anything. :) I'm doing this slow and steady.

I'm gonna do it right.

Anyway, the main issue isn't really about what is or is not to happen...

I feel judged when I'm walking with him. Like, everyone's wondering what this Chinese girl is doing stealing away one of their kind.

Yesterday, he held my hand for the first time. (Yes, cue 'awwww's and 'oooohh's)

While we were walking, I could feel people staring at me. Don't know if it was just me being too paranoid or self-conscious, or if they were really disapproving..

Sigh. Okay, well. This is just me airing my thoughts.

Off to do more work!

(Honestly, I'm so happy at the prospect of what'll be happening in the near future, but shhh... Not so fast there. ;) )

It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life.

I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

Be patient, Stephanie. Things will happen when they happen. If you try to rush into anything, you will only feel horrid and miserable.

I guess, on some level, I've always known that. But by nature, I am an impulsive person. I do things because they make me feel alive. I feel passion and a rush and thrills. And on the other hand, my brain works like a never-ending clog machine, churning out over-analysed facts by the minute.

So here I am, trying to consolidate my overworked brain with my passionate nature. Trying to stop myself from short-circuiting my thought processes when once again, my impulsive nature takes over and it backfires in my face.

In the end, the only person that stands to lose is me.

I'm already 20. No longer a teenager. I can no longer blame silly whims on my adolescence.

Today, I grow up. I view the world no more a moon-eyed little girl thinking that the world is a magical and happy place to explore. There are sharp thorns and crooked roads.

I need to open my eyes and calm my heart.

Good things come to those who wait. God has a plan for me.

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.

New dawn, new day, right?

I haven't felt so relieved and happy in a while.

This coming at a moment in my life where I'm feeling so helpless about my family's situation.

I'm just glad that it happened.

Sometimes I wonder what the me 5 years ago would think. Would she be proud of who I am now?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I suppose it doesn't matter. I haven't felt so... good in a while.

I'm going to hold on to that feeling until tomorrow morning, when reality comes crashing back down.

Until then, I shall have a good rest.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Massively thrilled that my stats are back to normal. Also, I've got 30 more visitors before I hit 2,500. Now THAT is bloody wicked.

Nobody said it was easy, oh, take me back to the start.

This is fantastic. I log in after a month so I can jot down my rather emotional feelings, and I see that my blog stats have been reset. How appropriate.

Anyway, I honestly think my period will come soon.

The only time I ever feel like my life is at a bit of a low is when my period is on the horizon.

I suppose that's kinda good. Kinda means I'm not pregnant and all that nonsense.

(Okay, that didn't make me sound too good, did it.)

Alright then... Let's skip past the moment and get on with things proper.

Haven't been able to stop thinking about him. At all.

I honestly don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm back in the same city he lives in?

Doesn't matter how many guys I flirt with (harmlessly, of course.)

At the end of the day, he is all my brain picks up.

To be honest though, I'm extremely sure it was the idea of him I missed.

Someone who thought me the world. Someone who appreciated me in all ways... (until, well.)

So yeah.

When will this end?

I would like it to stop now, please.