This is a part of me that you will never ever take away from me.

I think there's something perpetually wrong with me.

I only seem interested in white men. Men that, somehow, were born to be even more horny than any chinese guy I know. Or at least, more open about their horniness.

2 white guys I've dated. One, virtual. And I went to open one of his emails today. And I remember why I got into a 'relationship' with him. Because he was essentially a smooth-talker. (Well, obviously. We had no other means of connection..)

The other one? Not a smooth-talker, really. In fact, he got a bit awkward at times. But he was a fucking liar. Said all these things.. How I was so beautiful, so intelligent. How I was a million things better than his ex. Said all these things. Said he would treat me like a princess. Of course, when it came down to it, nothing he said mattered.

And I'm left to wonder about what that means for me.

Left to deal with the consequences of me making all these great choices in my life. My love life is so screwed up. But somehow, I'm still only attracted to white men. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Maybe it's because of my size. I'm a bigger girl. A lot bigger than the average asian. But somewhat average when compared to the brits here. Maybe I feel that white guys will accept me better.

I don't think I have a lot of respect for myself then. I'm afraid that if I say no to a guy that shows interest, I'll never end up with anyone. I'm afraid of being alone. Forever.

So yeah. That's it. That's the huge story of my life. I keep fucking things up in my love life because I have no respect for myself. I think that no one will ever want me, so instead of thinking that I deserve the best guy possible, I get with the first guy that calls me pretty.

I want to be treated like a princess. I do. I want the guy to make me feel good about myself, but only in a way that I deserve to be treated. With respect and kindness. With actions that speak louder than words. Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm really sick of men. :(