If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side.

So far, it's been going amazingly.

He's such a wonderful guy. We've only been going out a week but I feel there is so much potential between us.

It's true that we only have about a month left. And most of it will be spent on trying to garner that 2:1 average. But in every other aspect, it's the right timing. And perhaps meeting now is a good time to establish if we are truly meant to be together.

It's so easy with him though. I'm totally, completely 100% myself, no holds barred. I'm crazy, and annoying, and silly. And he just takes in everything, being crazy with me, humouring my stupid nonsense.

Every 'quick' call we have lasts for a hour or more. Every visit ends in him leaving the flat in the wee hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, watching movies, being happy.

I'm happy. :) And so glad that the Lord brought him into my life. Such a great guy.

Do I dare hope for more?

So this is what it feel like, right place, right time.

Okay. Right now, I'm supposed to be either doing my seminar work or getting dressed to go to the gym. Right now, I'm nowhere near doing either.

And it looks like I won't be doing either any time soon...

So, here I am. Blogging after a bit of an absence.

I'm happy. :)

I can't even begin to describe it.

Yesterday, I had a date with an amazing guy. He is so sweet, hilarious, and such a gentleman.

Really don't want to get my hopes up, because well, look how it's backfired on me before.

So well, here's goes. Slow and steady. Again.

Ohh boy. I wonder if my next post will be happy or devastating.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

I liken myself to a child that has decided that she actually really wants the Barbie doll she tossed aside. And all because someone else picked it up and decided that they would keep it. So the little child is annoyed.

I think it's just the whole human nature thing of wanting what you can't have. You know that in normal circumstances, you wouldn't even give a second thought to that particular item, wouldn't think about it, wouldn't take it if someone gave it to you. But the moment it no longer becomes an option for you, you hanker for it like a dog hankers for a bone. Pathetic reasoning, but true, nonetheless.

It's a horrible thought. And if ever you should feel this way, remember that you should never ever, under any circumstance, do anything about it, because the moment you do try to snatch that Barbie back, the feeling of happiness and satisfaction will only last for a minute. And then you remember why you tossed it out in the first place. And then you think 'well, why the fuck did I go through all that trouble for something I didn't want?'

Before that realisation kicks in though, and before you attempt to snatch the proverbial Barbie back, you get to happily grapple with thoughts like 'Well, am I jealous that the other person is happy with that Barbie? Did I truly really want that Barbie? Did I make a colossal mistake in throwing the Barbie out?' and many many more.

You sit down, in the middle of the room, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. You know that when you think of the Barbie itself, you see it as nothing more than a used doll, damaged and broken, something you should've rightly thrown out. But then someone else seems to be so happy with it. Was there another side to the doll that you hadn't realised?

You then continue wondering, does that other child realise how damaged and broken the doll is? Does the child only see the fun Barbie, the fact that it's a pretty doll? Should you go tell her that the doll is broken and that if she continues to play with it, she herself will get hurt?

But at the end of the day, you realise that you don't even know the child. She might know that the Barbie is beyond repair but might still accept it for what it is. Unlike you, who threw it out the moment you realised the extent of the damage. Perhaps she might appreciate it more, you know that you could never enjoy that Barbie anymore, which is fine because you have newer, better toys to play with.

So after all that contemplation, you realise that you were never going to be happy with that Barbie, and that the only reason why you would've possibly wanted the Barbie back is because you are, by nature, a selfish person. Which is okay, because everyone is a little bit selfish, but at the end of the day, as long as you don't hurt other people with your selfishness, you're ace.






I wonder how much time I can waste not doing my essay.

So open up your mind and see like me

Well, the retreat was amazing. But I suppose I shan't really bore you with the details.

I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.

For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.

So, just typical student-y stuff really.

I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?

Perhaps. Either one.

In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?

Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.

To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.

Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.

To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.

Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.

This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.