The start of something new.

What do you want me to say? What I feel now is like...

I woke up yesterday slightly indifferent. Janice, Ping and Vonne were already there making sure I was awake.

Cycling with the girls was fun. My ass hurts, but otherwise it was awesome.

And then I woke up today. And it just seemed to flood back to me.

It hurts. It's painful. I feel like a knife struck me in my stomach and I can't get it out.

I don't regret doing it. At least I hope I don't.

I just don't wanna see him. I don't even know when I'll be ready to see him ever again.

Basically, I remember everything, and the severity of the situation is staring at me in the face.

I don't wanna regret doing this... So why does it seem like I never wanted that night to happen.

I tell people I made the right choice, but maybe I'm only telling it to them because I'm trying to convince myself that it's true.

It really hurts so much. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

I'm not angry at him.

But I just wish I didn't ever have to see him again.

I don't wanna hear his name or see his face until I come back in december.

Then we'll see.

You are the reason that I still believe

Everything hurts. My arms feel like they're perpetually lifting heavy objects. My abdomen feels like my brother made it his favourite couch. All thanks to cable-skiing yesterday. Which was completely and utterly fantastic! Ping said it would hurt like shit today. It did.

I couldn't get the hang of it. Especially the wave-boarding. But knee-boarding was so much easier. And well, although I flew into the water a few times, i still made it to the furthest part of the lagoon in the end. Which is not really cool because then you have to walk back. But it's okay lah.

I'm just glad I wore my contacts.

Anyway, I really don't wanna go to school today. I planned to, later on, because I have a lot of stuff I need to do in school. But I don't feel like moving...

Talking to Ping was really cool yesterday. I think the way she squealed when we talked was so cute. Haha! I really didn't expect her to have so much juicy stuff to say. So adorable. :))

We talked for one hour plus near the drink stall. I didn't bring a towel after cable-skiing, being the smart girl I was. So I was wet, with my shirt sticking uncomfortably to my skin. And my hair was crazy dry and matted. But it smelt like sea water which was refreshing! (Not 'smelly', as Ping described it.)

I ate horribly unhealthy orh-luak for dinner. And Ping ate char kuay teow. I told her I didn't really like it cuz' it was too oily for me. Which is weird cuz' what I was eating was so much more oilier than her food. But I'm weird, so yeah.

Had the most tense-est liturgy meeting of my life yesterday. It was completely fine and stuff, you know? Ladies night (and one guy) and all that.. But then it turned into the topic of reshuffling the groups. (My group was not affected of course, cuz' you had to be 17- 20-ish to join. And no one really meets that criteria anymore.) And me and belle was just laying in the corner, looking back and forth as the chilled ladies night almost turned into a total cat fight complete with cake and icing. But it was cool in the end. I think. It ended rather amicably.. sort of. With ladies, it's always hard to tell. You could tell that the animosity was still a little present, even as they ended the night. But it gave way to a spiritual ending, cuz' you know, everything needs to start and end with God.

You know how to look for that silver-lining? Draw it yourself.

To thee I cry

You know how it is when you feel like you may be a few inches from falling off into an abyss?

I feel like that everyday now. As everything gets closer and things start to overwhelm me, I wonder exactly when I'm going to fall. Off.

Maybe it'd be soon. Maybe I'll fall now, and hopefully, the abyss is NOT an abyss and I'm able to stand up when I reach the bottom and start clawing my way to the top again.

Or maybe it's not as simple as it sounds. Maybe I'm meant to fall, never having to get up again.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe my contentedness, happiness, my smooth-sailing is supposed to end here.

I mean, I keep thinking that God has a plan for me, right? What if this IS his plan? He meant for me to fail to learn something.

Thing is, I DON'T want to learn something. Call it 'being too comfortable' in my own world, but I've been having it good for the past 17 years. Please don't let my fall be now.

I hope this is just me being paranoid. I REALLY hope this is the case. If it's not... I'm so screwed.