The road outside my house.

My usual torrent site is on the blitz. I'm currently mourning its unavailibility. Now I have to download Gossip Girl off a SUBSTITUTE. And after this, I have the bloody EOM to finish. Which sucks. My life's a drab sometimes.

Okay, it's not all that bad. There are a few reasons why my life's quite bearable.

1) The random thoughts of him. I have a love-hate relationship with my thoughts lah. Let's leave it at that.

2) Daryl's sleepover Daffodil-style after the promos.

3) Facebook visits that can bring a smile to my face.

4) I had a pretty good day hanging out with my clique in class.

I'm really liking my class a lot now. I like it that I'm getting closer to people that I never thought in my entire life I would get close to. I think the fact that we're a small bunch of misfits just make the entire thing even cooler. I once thought that the only people I would be close to were people who were mostly like me; loud, english-speaking, chatty, out-going. The exception being my BFFs, of course. But that's cuz' we've been friends since we were young 'uns. Now, I see that it's really possible to expand your social circle and include people you tend to overlook. And the results are awesome. I love my girls. I really do. They may not be anything like me, but they are loyal, sweet, and very lovely. And we can crack in a few laughs, which are not unwelcome.

The lunch today was so nice. It was something simple, yet showed how close we were getting.

And OP rehearsal wasn't so bad today. I really love my group. I think we're good together. :) I thank God for them.

I can't wait for the sleepover at Daryl's! It's gonna be awesome fun!

And I'm gonna tell him before China. It's confirmed.

Look into my eyes

It's too much. Really. I don't know what to do.
At this point, I'm taking things one at a time. I literally wait till I 'cross that bridge'. Really.
I'm not planning ahead. I'm not thinking of anything happening beyond next week. Heck, Im not thinking of tomorrow.
There's a lot going on tml, btw. So... not thinking of it is quite freaky. But I'm willing myself not to think about anything else. I spent too much time delving into the 'affairs of the heart', which FOR GODS' SAKE is NOT gonna get me any scholarship into any damn university any time soon!

Now that I'm back in reality and I had my 'fun', I have to face the consequences of my actions. Which are not pretty. And I'm totally going crazy over here.

Dear dear girl, how could you have let yourself slip? Over a guy, no less. C'mon.. you're not 13 anymore, are you?

Gosh, I WISH I was 13. Then again, I don't. I don't know. I just wanna do what God wanted me to do.

Then again, Alvin once told me that completing my education is the one thing He wants me to do now. Which I am trying to do. But it keeps presenting itself as an increasingly impossible thing to do.

Okay. God will make everything alright. Right? I don't know. I know I shouldnt do that. I'm confused. Should I rely on God? I mean... duh, I should. But God helps those who help themselves. Am I helping myself? I don't know. I'm SOO confused right now. I don't know if just praying will help, and I should stop worrying so much because God will provide. Or maybe He wanted me to be tested on something...?
I DON'T KNOW.

GOSSSHHHHH.

I'm completely going crazy. I really wanna stay at home for the remainder of the week and cool off, study at my own pace, etc.

But I can't. I didn't even STUDY for the most part of today. SO lazy, so lazy, so lazy. Couldn't bring myself to study, too bleahhh.... I'm SOOOOO screwed.

AARRGGHHH.. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna just give this up to God. Seriously. I wanna just leave it to him. Like.... if I retain, it was His Will.

Maybe I should pray more.

And.

I decided to tell him.

Now I just have to figure out when.

Probably before China.

Gotta be somebody

My brothers are so annoying. How I can love them still is BEYOND me. Sometimes, I love them wayy too much than they deserve.

My message today was:
that it's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes. Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth. Who makes your heart soar now?

It's really driving me nuts. Those long conversations I have with him are making it very hard for me. I feel like I should just stop talking to him altogether. Don't pick up his calls, don't call him.
I'm really trying to stop. But I can't! How can I when untangling the string is ALMOST impossible.. PLUS it just GOT worse because I found another tangle. ANOTHER ONE. Because, apparently, the tangles present are not enough... noooo..

Only, it's not as simple as a phone call, is it?

Anyway, I had tremendous fun yesterday. You know? I never thought I'd have fun playing with lanterns again. Tammy was right, I SHOULD embrace the child within more. Well, actually, I thought I was doing it wayy too much for my own good. *shrug*

I met Belle in church at 7 to do math. Only, SHE started telling people about her experiences at Ms A. Ang's wedding, so she didn't really study much. Okay, I didn't either. I was too busy laughing everytime she recounted her 'adventures'. Well, I tried. Hanging out with Belle was awesome. I love it when we get high together and do the stupidest things. I missed that.

Walked to ECP with Sharon, Desiree Khng, Bernie, and Bernie's boyfriend and little sister. We walked the long way, which when you think about it was cool, except for the fact that I was a bit worried that we couldn't find the underpass, so I got a bit worried, which kinda affected my atmosphere a bit.

Reached ECP and found the other group, (Andrew, Belle, Alex Boy, Brian, Raymond) and they were still discussing stuff, so we decided to wander off to the sea area to give them some peace. Suddenly, Belle shouted 'Steph! There got cockroaches!' And of course, I screamed. We ALLL screamed. (Cept Bernie's boyfriend.) and RAN. HAHAHA. It was like a comedy or something. The guys started laughing at us. Which is NOT cool.

I think the BEST part of the day was the SPARKLERS! That is ONE thing I'll never outgrow. We made the word 'Youhf', which was SO awesome... And I did the 'O', which was... easy. HAHA. Then we had jump-shots! OMG. HAHA. It was like the best youth moments all in one day mann.. But I think the jumpshots quite fail lah. HAHAHA. But it was fun! Especially when Alex went '1, 2, 3..' and we all RAN towards him. He was soo stunned. HAHA. And Brian said Andrew looked like he wanted to hantam Alex boy. HAHAHA.

We walked back to church and called Steph to do the Jesus cheer! I'm gonna miss her. I almost cried when she called me in the bus that evening. And then Brian entertained Belle and I with his 'ho-me-ma-de pi-ne-ap-ple ta-rt-s' and various 'laughing techniques'. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so bad. Brian is damn funny lahh.

Today, I met up with Nat! I was so happy cuz' I really hadn't seen her in a very long time. We talked and talked a lot. I really missed her. I miss our sleepovers. I wanna have one soon!!

Well, this is another week gone. And my life sometimes feels like it's passing me by..

But I count the blessings I have. My darling talkatives, my wondeful church friends, my girlfriends in class, my Daffodils clique, my lovely friends from school, my beautiful family, my love for God.

There is no other as blessed as I am.

My First Experience.

Today marked the first day of the rest of my life.

I realised how truly pampered I am.

Well, sort of lah.

Today, I stepped into a polyclinic. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I am not kidding. In my entire 17 years, I have never stepped into a poly clinic before. Ever.

It felt like I was entering a whole new world. Seriously.

After my consultation with the doctor, I went to the pharmacy.

Only I didn't know you were supposed to slip your paper into the box that said 'prescriptions' cuz' the private clinic near my home didn't have that kinda thing.

So I was waiting for a invariably long time... And soon after, this pharmacist guy came out and sighed '小姐阿。' He then took the prescription paper from my hand.

That was really embarrassing.

So anyway, this was a cool experience. And the fees are SOOO CHEAP. After everything, it cost me SIX DOLLARS. SIXXX.

It's times like this I really think the government's cool.

Testing out my microsoft office :D

I'm blogging with Microsoft word. Hopefully, this doesn't turn out weird on my blog.

Anyway, I've been studying a little. I hope to do more and hopefully finish my revision in time before the promos.

This is me asking the Lord for strength to overcome my laziness for the next 2 weeks.

Ganbatte!

It's getting good...

Gossip Girl is beyond what I expected. Tres bien, really!

And Right now? Operation FM is going to start again. With a different target.

It's not gonna be easy. Definitely. If anything, it'll be harder than I ever expected.

But I'll get through this.

Like I got through previous 'missions'.

And I'll come out stronger than I'd ever imagined.

IN JUNIOR COLLEGE...

In TKG...

I had never slept a wink in class.

In TJC...

My head hits the table as soon as the teacher steps in.

In TKG...

I had no/not much homework.

In TJC...

If I can finish half of what I have to do everyday, I've been efficient.

In TKG...

I fall sick once a year during flu season.

In TJC...

The doctor knows my name well enough to expect me often.

In TKG...

I skipped school after the exams.

In TJC...

I plan on whether I should GO to school the next day.

In TKG...

I became mildly stressed before the exam periods.

In TJC...

I become mildly stressed before every lecture/tutorial.

In TKG...

Be late? NO WAY!

In TJC...

Unimportant lesson in the morning... Should I just go late?

I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.

God wants you to know..

I'm really beginning to think that God wants me to know something very specific.

Well, either that or I'm just over-analysing everything. Again.

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Seriously, though! I keep getting the same message again and again in different forms.

Okay, FINE. So they could apply to anything. I'm just on a math high.

How will I know?

There's a boy I know
he's the one I dream of.
Looks into my eyes
takes me to the clouds above.

Oh I lose control
can't seem to get enough.
When I wake from dreamin' tell me
is it really love?


How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heartbeat.
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you' cause you know about these things.

How will I know if he's thinking of me?
I try to phone but I'm too shy - can't speak.
Falling in love is so bitter sweet.
This love is strong
why do I feel weak?

Is there a sure-fired way to know? Will I ever find out?

I'm not sitting on the sidewalk

Dear Chuck,

Thanks for the awesome time at dinner! Thanks for making my dull day a good one.

And I'm really glad we're getting closer! :DDD

Your stepsister,

S.