A summer's disregard.

I've got a lot to do. That's probably why signs were telling me not to play mj at belle's.

So yes. Exams are over. But no, I'm not free. At all. Not even a little bit.

Oh well.... I'm just gonna hope for the best.

Anyway, in my hectic-ness, I managed to complete Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol'. How? Well, basically, before yesterday, I kept sleeping at 1. Which isn't really very.. healthy. Which is why I slept at 2130 yesterday. Which, again isn't very... healthy.

And now, I'm starting on Jane Eyre. Which is a really good book. I'm enthralled by it. Sort of.

Anyway, the date is set. I think. I don't really know actually. I'm scared. I don't really know what to say to him, how to say it to him... I'm scared shitless basically. Janice suggested I start practicing. So I told Henry and Zong Yang that I liked them. At separate times. Henry's reaction was a funny sound. Like a 'Yeah right, mm-hmm' sorta thing. Hahaha! And 'Darius' gave me a look like I just told him I was going to Afghanistan to sun-bathe. Okay. It wasn't exactly 'real' practice, but I mean.. the reactions were funny enough.

I'm getting closer to my guys in my class. Like LZY, Henrzzz and Oliver. HAHA. Yes, even though Oli's been real irritating, calling me a bimbo and throwing water at me, he's a fun guy lah. And it's fun to talk to him. Maybe I should practice on him too. HEH.

I want to talk to people. But they're just not showing themselves online. OR anywhere... it's a little upsetting. Especially since I've started to get closer to them and I kinda miss them. =/

I'm still scared. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'd react. I'm scared. All I know is that this is something I need to do. It is. It feels right. Even though I wanna keep chickening out? I know I'm gonna do it in the end. Regardless of the results. It's just something I have to do. Right?

Look into my eyes

It's too much. Really. I don't know what to do.
At this point, I'm taking things one at a time. I literally wait till I 'cross that bridge'. Really.
I'm not planning ahead. I'm not thinking of anything happening beyond next week. Heck, Im not thinking of tomorrow.
There's a lot going on tml, btw. So... not thinking of it is quite freaky. But I'm willing myself not to think about anything else. I spent too much time delving into the 'affairs of the heart', which FOR GODS' SAKE is NOT gonna get me any scholarship into any damn university any time soon!

Now that I'm back in reality and I had my 'fun', I have to face the consequences of my actions. Which are not pretty. And I'm totally going crazy over here.

Dear dear girl, how could you have let yourself slip? Over a guy, no less. C'mon.. you're not 13 anymore, are you?

Gosh, I WISH I was 13. Then again, I don't. I don't know. I just wanna do what God wanted me to do.

Then again, Alvin once told me that completing my education is the one thing He wants me to do now. Which I am trying to do. But it keeps presenting itself as an increasingly impossible thing to do.

Okay. God will make everything alright. Right? I don't know. I know I shouldnt do that. I'm confused. Should I rely on God? I mean... duh, I should. But God helps those who help themselves. Am I helping myself? I don't know. I'm SOO confused right now. I don't know if just praying will help, and I should stop worrying so much because God will provide. Or maybe He wanted me to be tested on something...?
I DON'T KNOW.

GOSSSHHHHH.

I'm completely going crazy. I really wanna stay at home for the remainder of the week and cool off, study at my own pace, etc.

But I can't. I didn't even STUDY for the most part of today. SO lazy, so lazy, so lazy. Couldn't bring myself to study, too bleahhh.... I'm SOOOOO screwed.

AARRGGHHH.. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna just give this up to God. Seriously. I wanna just leave it to him. Like.... if I retain, it was His Will.

Maybe I should pray more.