Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me

Slightly less than half a year has passed since my last post.

I've changed my blog URL mostly because I was sick of having to deal with unwanted persons reading it. I understand that I cannot prevent people from reading and talking about my blog, and well, I'd be a bit silly if I wrote all this on a public domain and expected everyone to keep quiet.

Perhaps all I needed was a bit of a hiatus. Just enough for the 'scent' to waiver off.

Anyway, as per usual, a lot has happened in the last half a year. I suppose the biggest news is that I've got a new love. A fantastic love. He makes me so wonderfully excited about life.

I'll be spending Christmas with him and his family this year.

Besides that, there's nothing much to say. With Christmas coming soon, I might not be blogging much.

So here's where I wish you lot a merry Christmas and a wonderful 2014!

I know you're gone, you said you're gone, but I can still feel you're here.

My blog will be on a hiatus for a bit. But I suppose not blogging for about 2 weeks now would've given some that idea.

I need to firstly, do up another header, because obviously, I need to update the old picture.

And also, I think maybe my life is in a bit of a mess right now. Like, mentally and emotionally.

It's fixable. All of it is. But time is what I need right now.

When I say hiatus, I probably don't mean for long. I don't know. It really depends on my mood.

Whatever it is, if you're a loyal reader, I wish you well.

And if you've happened to stumble upon this, I also wish you well, because why not.

Lost and not found

I think I probably shouldn't kid myself anymore...

I think it was over the moment I told him I was unhappy.

It was finalised when he told me those words.

It was done even though I told him to take a few days to think about it.

It's over.

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

I'm currently suffering from a one-off case (hopefully) of insomnia. Which is aggravated by the fact that I should be sleeping right now because I'm not feeling very well.

But of course, my scratchy throat and just the plain fact that I can't seem to achieve REM sleep means I'm here typing away.

I just... I'm just wondering if somehow, he knew that I am missing him terribly.

The days are fine, the days pass and I often have more than one thing to do (although being unemployed is still slightly saddening), and then the night comes... (I'm starting to sound like Rachel in that episode of Friends where she's trying to stall Monica from getting ready for her wedding. I swear I can almost hear Monica going 'Okay, the days and nights are hard, I get it.')

But, moving away from that slightly amusing little side story, I really miss him. And I hate being stuck in this limbo area, not even knowing at this point if we're technically already broken up, or not. It's gonna be our 3rd month-iversary next week. That is, if we're even still together in the first place.

It's getting more and more frustrating every day. I don't want to rush him, I want him to make an informed decision (I sound like an MD) and for us to talk things out. But, on the other hand, I also want him to tell me now - is this happening, or not?

Am I just wasting my time here? Or do we have something to work on? I mentioned the fine balance before. It was as thick as a 15" board before, not totally stable, but still comfortable enough to walk across. Every day, it gets thinner, and now I honestly don't know how thin it would be. Probably unstable enough that it might actually break without warning.

And again, I miss him. I'm trying to focus on our good memories together, and there have been so many, but dear, oh dear, that just makes everything a million times worse. Because I don't know if I should follow that with thoughts of 'and this is what'll happen when we see each other again!' or 'and this is all i have left of him to cherish.' 

To be extremely honest, I'd rather him tell me now that we're officially broken up. Don't get me wrong, I will be very heart-broken, beyond repair for a while. And I will be depressed, and my blog posts would be agonisingly painful to read. And since my readership is currently as low as the GDP growth in Zimbabwe, that basically means I'm just moaning to my pitiful self. But, at least I could start to move on, think of the year ahead, with the classes I wanna take. And start truly thinking of whether I'd want to stay in the UK or move back home. For me. And only me. No one else.

But right now, I can't do that. I'm still thinking that I need to find a way to stay with him in the UK. I'm wondering if maybe he'd want to come visit Singapore for a bit next summer. I'm thinking of plans with him, and then in the next minute, my brain is like 'yeah. All this for moot.' And then I go back to being completely frustrated.

I don't know if he knows. I wish I could just tell him. But of course, as with everything I've just typed in here, I can't. I don't know if he knows I miss him, and still love him dearly, and want him to just make a fucking decision already, please! 

In a few months, I will probably go back, read this, and laugh. And wonder how I got to such a pitiful stage where my future (near, or otherwise) seems to be controlled by a man, whose name I'd never even heard of just slightly more than 3 months ago.

Life is really just a bucket of amusement sometimes.

Oh yes, this is just a side note for my close dear friends who might potentially be worried when they see this and think 'dear Lord, I have to save her!' I'm fine. I honestly, truly am. I get dramatic and tend to over-exaggerate when I write things here largely because I can. But honestly, I still have so much to be grateful for and I know that. So please, don't pick up the phone and call a suicide hotline and warn them about a potential victim. Just read, remember how expressive I tend to get, and tone it down in your head about 10-20 times. That's probably what I truly feel most of the time anyway. And I do love you lot because I know that you only worry because you care, but if I hear another 'You need to chill!', I will personally rub ice-cubes down your spine and scream 'Is this enough?!' (But I will do it in the most loving way possible because again, I know it's only because you care.)
Okay the last part sounded slightly creepy.

And you coming back to me is against all odds.

I think this is one of the first few times in my entire life where I can't seem to picture my future. It's just a mess of blurriness. I don't know where I'm going to end up, where I want to end up.

I love Singapore, I do. It's my home. It's where I grew up, it's where my family is. It's where everything is comfortable and familiar. It's where I speak Singlish, where my friends are. And yet, I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. I feel too large for this little red dot (in more ways than one). I feel too constricted by certain rules and regulations.

And then there's the UK. It would be beyond scary to move there permanently. I've gotten used to certain things in that country, and yet, it would be different once my friends leave, and I'm there alone. Struggling to build a life there on my own. All alone. And yet, the possibilities are endless. I could thrive, or I could sink. It would be an adventure to call my own.

I really don't know what's gonna happen in a year. To be honest, I'm just trying to get past this phase in my life. It's still a bit hard. And as I was doing laps round the pool today, I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that, well, maybe I might end up alone.

And in all honesty, that idea didn't really scare me. I mean, I've always been a rather independent girl. I've had mild glimpses of what it would be like to be in a relationship. Very mild. Like... tip of the iceberg sort of glimpses. And well, maybe that's just it.

To be honest, trying to find your 'other half' after university becomes somewhat of a herculean task. When I start working, I'm pretty sure I'd be spending most of my time dedicated to my job. After all, that's how I've been doing it all my life. Focusing my time and energy on things I love and am committed to. So, dating options might be relegated to those speed dating type nonsense and online dating. And we all know how the latter option worked out. I'm really not being resigned to fate here. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not being whiny.

I'm just saying, if I were to end up alone. I'd be okay with that. Because at least I loved and lost, and we all know that's better than never having loved at all.

To be honest, I always thought being in a serious relationship would make my decision on whether I'd be living in the UK or in Singapore more certain. But it truly doesn't. I feel like I'm being forced to choose quicker, if only to ease the worries of both parties.

So yeah, here we are. At this point, I'm really not unhappy. I can't exactly say I'm happy either. While the fate of my relationship continues to hang in the balance, with me having absolutely no control at this moment on the outcome, I can't really do anything but wait patiently for the verdict. I don't want to hope too much for a 'good verdict', and yet I don't want to completely give up as well. It's a fine balance. Too fine. I suppose, for the most part, I'm just mostly watching Masterchef Australia and doing nonsense to my hair.

I shall straighten it tomorrow. And it will be the first time it has been straightened in 2 years.

Ooh lah lah!

So confused, my heart's bruised.

I can only sit here and wonder if I just let one of the best things that ever happened to me slip away.

And all because I pushed him too far and too much.

I'm so new at this relationship thing it's not even funny.

It takes so much energy for me to just control myself from screaming.

It's just so unbelievable how little control I have over the situation, and that scares the hell out of me.

So, now that the deed is done. I can only sit here and wait. And wonder.

Out of reach, so far.

I'm building bridges that I know you never wanted

You realise that you're increasing in maturity when:

- You could easily argue your way out of something your mum wanted you to do. But instead, you just do as she said because she's your mum and you love her. And really, it doesn't take *that* much from you.

- You quickly learn that in a relationship (especially a long-distance one), it boils down to give and take. Sometimes you give and you don't get back in return. That's okay. Because sometimes you take and you don't give in return. You don't expect the person to act like you would in that situation, because you are two different people, and not copies of each other. If you *were* copies, that would be kinda like dating yourself, and that's creepy on so many different levels.

- You could literally order Mcdonalds right now, at 2am in the morning, but you don't, because you know you're not that young anymore, and anything you eat will go straight to your heart (or even worse, your thighs) and that's just not ideal.

- You don't immediately blurt out your inner thoughts on social media. You stop, think clearly about your audience, the impact of what you say, and its consequences. (I have to admit, I *do* rant here, and on Twitter. But in my defence, my twitter account is followed by a mere handful of people, and is locked. And my blog is not exactly well-known to most that actually know me.)

- Your conversations with friends start to turn towards current affairs and actual important things (although the occasional indulgence about Amanda Bynes or Kim K's new baby might be had).

- You know that although you are increasing in maturity, you still have a lot to learn in life. You're not well-versed in any one topic, or issue, you need constant life lessons and experiences, and you accept that. And perhaps, you know you might never be able to reach full maturity.

Because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I wrote a post earlier. But my fucking horrible internet connection, coupled with my notion that perhaps it was just an angst-fuelled rant that no one should ever read, prevented me from publishing the post. Or even saving it for that matter (read: horrible internet connection)

However, as I am lying in bed, trying to get a bit of sleep and get rid of my jet lag (which is soooo not happening, at least for the next few days), I'm still fuelled by rage and almost-demonic levels of frustration. And so, I shall blog, in an effort to quel the seeping thoughts of near-suicidal hurt.

If you know anything about me at all, I will come across as mildly dramatic and slightly expressive. The more you get to know me, the more you realise, that is a drastic understatement.

My powers to over-analyse the smallest detail have brought me both great knowledge in my academic life, and great pain in my emotional relationships. I try to find patterns and links in certain things, subconsciously telling myself that history always repeats itself. And I'm, at my worst, a blob of complete insecurity, hankering for external validation from anyone and everyone.

Which brings me to my next point - I am not good at long distance relationships.

I have never been, and I never will be. 

I am, at my very core, very affectionate, expressive, and a hopeless romantic. I dream of getting flowers, chocolates, my significant other surprising me in the littlest ways. Spending precious moments together, and everything else under the sun. An LDR does not get you that. Especially when your significant other is so horribly bad at LDRs. 

I say I'm bad at LDRs, but I try. I know I miss him a terrible lot. I try to message him whenever I can, whenever I think of something funny that he'd love, I'll share it with him on Facebook. Whenever he's online, I quickly take that opportunity to say 'hi!' It's bad enough that he has no whatsapp on his phone while being in America. It just means that we have to try harder to communicate.

When I say we, I suppose I mean me. Because he sure as hell ain't doing fuck shit.

Before I got into this, I already (we already) knew it was going to be hard. But he is (was?) such a loving boyfriend, so sweet to me, and I thought I found someone who was so similar, yet so different. It was pretty perfect. But he is so fucking shit at LDRs. He doesn't understand the concept of making time to talk.

When we were talking about having to be apart for 2.5 months, he said we would make time, we would skype each other a lot. I haven't seen his face in more than a week. He was supposed to skype with me on Tuesday but he came down with food poisoning. Fair enough. I was annoyed, but I surely couldn't blame the guy. On Wednesday, I left for Singapore, and landed on Thursday.

He briefly chatted with me, perhaps in a conversation that you have with a close friend (at best). Just very general 'glad you arrived safe', 'how are you' sort of pitiful nonsensical drivel you spurn when you don't have anything else better to say to someone you're forced to communicate with.

Oh, but here is the humdinger! He told me he couldn't skype then because he needed to eat breakfast. I honestly think that is the most fucking lame excuse ever concocted by mankind. I mean, even dogs DO enjoy the occasional notepad paper. (Here, I am awkwardly referring to the ever-so-popular 'dog ate my homework' excuse.)

Yes, I do understand that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and God forbid you skip it, ever! But is it honestly so unreasonable of me to maybe expect him to call me and talk to me a bit before eating?

I understand that his laptop is shit, and his phone is hopeless, and he is in Texas on holiday to meet up with his mates and everything like that. But to me, that's just excuse after excuse, piled up on each other like dung on a hot day. 

I just miss him so fucking much. But it's like he doesn't give a flying fuck. I know he loves me, I don't doubt it. I just think that I need more. I need to know that he misses me too. Misses me enough to count the hours until I wake up, misses me enough to constantly check if I'm on Facebook so we can talk.

But of course, I'm probably the only idiot doing that.

I'm so sick of feeling this way. I honestly am. I want to talk to him about it but I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I really shouldn't be getting into a relationship in my 20s.

You would hardly recognise me, I'm so glad

I find it odd how certain people in Singapore are trying to fight for gay rights. I mean, that's all well and good, but we don't even have human rights in that country yet. So, y'know. If you don't have milk, why are you screaming for cereal?

Unless you really like cereal without milk. Then it's okay.

12.5 hours to freedom!

Then it's a whole lot of Davy, and then GERMANY/POLAND!!

I need to charge my camera.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

To my boyfriend:

I'm sorry I have to say this here. But I suppose I'm too much of a coward.

A few months ago, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting a few men, the ones that stuck were Hart, Dworkin, and Mills. To name a few. I met them in my Jurisprudence module.

It wasn't much of a relationship when it began. In fact, as time progressed, I could see that the polygamous relationship was largely one-sided and abusive.

Instead of ending it though, I decided to make it work. If you ask me for the exact reasons, I could not tell you.

Now, I need to admit that I love these men. I do. Don't tell me otherwise, you'd be wrong. I love them.

And for the next few days, I need to envelope myself in my love for them, which means, our relationship will have to take a backseat.

Although I still love you so much, I cannot give myself fully to you until I settle the dust of my abusive, polygamous relationship with these apathetic scholars.

Until then, mi amor.

Steph xxx

I'm a little used to calling outside your name

I think I need to relax a little with how much I've been talking about Dave.

I feel like I'm annoying my friends by constantly talking about him, especially the single ones.

Like, to be honest, no matter how much I love my friends, if they constantly yapped about their boyfriends, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Of course they haven't really said anything, mainly because they're really happy for me and stuff.

Still.

Yeahhh I should, like, maintain a bit.

In other words, I told him I loved him. And he said it back. And now I'm giddy with excitement and love for my darling boyfriend.

I'll shut up now.

My mirror staring back at me

I cannot wait for exams to be over.

My mind is a whirl of nothingness.

And law.

AJKSJFLKSFLCJSKDKXWOQLAIEODEJS.

And rant over.

Two strangers learn to fall in love again

Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder about the events that happen in my life. Why they happen, what purpose have they, how come they happened to me.

I suppose for many of the things that happen, good or bad, I never understand why until quite later into my life. And then I think back, and I realise that without the pain, I could never feel joy quite like this.

I think back to this time last year. I was knee deep in revision, trying to garner good grades for the semester to make up for my horrible grades in the first one. Between pages of case law and statutes, however, I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was.

At that point, I was no longer in the throes of depression. I wasn't fully healed yet, by any standard, and was still struggling to find myself. But I was okay. I was fine enough, just concentrating on the exams and my upcoming plans for the summer.

The summer was great. A fantastic opportunity to rid myself of the 'bad blood' of the past year, enjoying friends, both old and new, enjoying family, both the annoying and loving parts.

Before all of that, before that healing period, I was this close to giving up on everything. Oh no, I wasn't suicidal (I think. For the most part, at least.) I just was not in the slightest bit concerned with life anymore. To me, it was a big joke. I was never deserving of anything wonderful, for long. The slightest bit of happiness to come to me in a while, and it was just nothing but a big facade.

When my heart broke for the first time, when it legitimately plummeted to the ground in millions of pieces, it felt so surreal. I didn't think it could ever happen to me. I didn't think it would be exactly like in the movies, or in dramas, the emotional pain, so overwhelming it felt like a physical stab.

It took me a long time to slowly piece it back together. A lot of time, and a lot more mistakes. Things I wish I never did, things I wish I could just erase.

But again, now, I see that those again were learning curves. Slow crumbling of the wall that hid the potential of my true self. I was naive and young, thinking that the world was a big fairytale. That everything was easy. I never truly worked hard for anything in my life. I was (and sometimes still am) a spoilt child with doting parents and a fortunate childhood.

Being thrown into a situation where my mum couldn't be there to make sure I wasn't doing anything stupid, and my dad couldn't be there to be my knight in shining armour, it forced me to see that the world was a big adventure, but with every adventure there came perils, and so while I must enjoy myself, I needed to be careful.

Coming back to the UK, I was determined to start anew. Determined to focus on work. But it got too hard to concentrate, especially when I only have a few contact hours in university every week. So I ended up trying to date, again.

And of course, I suppose you could get a summary of how most of my dates went from my previous posts.

It was the Christmas break and the last guy I dated that really made me not want to do this anymore. The constant questioning, the constant yearning for futures with guys who obviously had little interest in me at all. It was enough. I had to stop and just be with me for a while.

And a few months later, I met the one person I'm questioning everything I've ever known. In a good way. (Most of the time.)

I'd like to think I'm no longer naive. And that I know how not to let a few kind words do me in. I won't pretend I'm now the world class expert in relationships. In fact, as I slowly let myself trust this man with my life, I'm still learning how to behave in a relationship, what to think and say, when to do what.

Most importantly, I've come into this fully whole and myself. Not who I think I should be, or who I want to be. Just me.

As I write this, I think about how extremely blessed I am, again. I just can't stop because I feel like everything's going pretty perfectly. (Sometimes, I wonder if it's just too perfect, but that's not for today's post.)

I had to come full circle for this. and I'm not even gonna pretend that I'll never get my heart broken again.

But it's nice to know that, for now at least, whatever has happened to me, happened for a reason.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

This is the best outlet for me to pen down my thoughts because I don't know where else to put them.

Also, it means that the few little who care about me can keep up with my latest musings.

Of course, I'll like to add (for their benefit) that my inner emotions are merely a minor manifestation of how I truly am feeling. I might be inclined to pen down depressive musings, but this is more likely than not because I'd rather let these out quickly and allow the good stuff to sink in.

I mentioned in my last post that he isn't a very 'texty' guy. And while that's all well and good if we spent enough time together, the truth is that we don't. Because of exams and what have you not.

Which means the only form of communication I get with him are through texts and skype. Perhaps the occasional call. I think I'm just the sort of girl that needs a lot of attention just to feel assurance. After all the experiences I've had with dating and men, I suppose it's not that difficult to figure out why. I'm not broken. Just bent. And I am capable of love. His assurances yesterday were amazing. And for a while I felt sorry I ever doubted him. Here is a man who said in his own words that he 'wanted to listen'. And he quietly did as I rambled on for 40 mins. (So it said on the Skype timer.)

He didn't promise that he'd be the best boyfriend ever. He didn't promise he'd never hurt me. He promised that we would do things my way, at my pace. And he promised that I had nothing to worry about.

And yet here I sit. Worried as fuck. Because I miss him so much. And he doesn't seem to be. And I know he does miss me a hell lot. Because when I'm in his arms I can tell he never wants to let me go.

It's just so hard because my heart and my mind are at constant loggerheads. My heart is so ready to fall, so eager to just let him catch me. But my mind is stopping me, questioning every single movement.

I've stopped my mind from questioning the little things, for the most part. I try to swipe them away now. It's not easy but I'm slowly getting better at it. At the same time, I wonder if I'm starting to be too clingy. Constantly telling him that I miss him and being the first to 'break' and text him when we haven't texted in a long while.

Okay I seriously just fucking need to stop and relax.

If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?

I'm so new at this relationship thing. It's going well but I feel like I'm constantly navigating myself through my own self-destructive thoughts.

It's funny because we're both not the best at relationships. And I guess that's great, because it's not me leading him, or him leading me, it's us, holding the other person's hand, and walking side-by-side.

'The more time I spend with you, the longer these next 3 months will be.' 

He said this in a quiet voice, as we both were drifting off to sleep. 

I feel like I'm learning about him every day. Like, how every time we text, his replies tend to be rather short and seemingly dismissive. I used to think that maybe I liked him too much too fast and he was getting overwhelmed. Then I found out that he thought of me constantly. That I was always on his mind. And it's obvious by the way he acts around me. So he's just not a man of many words. He prefers to show it. And that's a lot better in every way.

I think I could fall hard. And I'm so afraid because I've fallen hard before and it has not ended well. And this time, I feel like if and when I do fall hard, he'll be there to catch me. 

I gave him a spare toothbrush to use this morning. The last 2 times I did that, the relationship sort of broke down soon after. Here's to hoping the toothbrush is kept there and used.

He said 'God only helps those who learn to help themselves'

I'm in an extremely good place now, and I only have one man to thank. Well, man/God. Or basically, y'know, just God.

I got the internship in Munich

I met a brilliant man who's showing me that there are still good guys out there who're romantic as hell

I think I did brilliantly for Spanish and am inclined to continue building up my speaking skills

My results so far have been good. Not great, perhaps, but good. And I will continue to strive to do better for myself, my parents who've worked so hard, and for God.

I have brilliant friends. Wonderful, amazing people that I've met that built my character, changed me, loved me for myself.

I have a loving family. Full of warmth and encouragement. Yes, we fight, and argue, and bitch. But at the end of the day, we are one unit.

I'm going to Germany and Poland for a trip with my mum after the exams

Honestly, I could not ask for more. I mean, I would have no right to. I've just been so blessed. I'm just so lucky. My life is just going amazing.

It probably won't for long. I'm not cynical, that's just how life is. But I'm not gonna sit around and wait for things to crash or go chaotic. Instead, I'm going to sit back, enjoy myself while it lasts, and soak in the good times.

To the brilliant amazing deity that I believe in with all my heart, you truly are great. And I never do thank you enough. I can't, in fact. But thank you, anyway. Without you, I'd be nothing, really.

But with you, I feel again

I'm slowly dying inside.

A proper relationship is extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you're in your honeymoon period and it's supposed to be fun and happiness and constant snuggles and giggles.

But it's hard when I'm supposed to be revising for my exams (which I am currently NOT doing) and he has exams too which are in a few days and all I want is for him to come over and be with me, but I can't. Because that would be massively selfish of me.

And I feel like a complete bitch because he's texting me telling me how much fun he's having out with his mates and while I reply with 'yay!' and 'so glad you're enjoying yourself!' I can't help but think 'But what about me! :('

This is not to say that he can NEVER have fun with his mates. I'm really not all that unreasonable. But it might be nice to maybe drive down a bit to see your girlfriend for a while, especially since you've not seen her in a bit. And then if you want to go crazy with your mates, fine.

Okay I am becoming absolutely mental. It's just that we're still trying to get to know each other, and it's hard enough as it is.

Okay I just need to relax and start fucking studying, for fuck's sake.

Lately, I've been, I've been fast asleep, dreaming of all the things that we could be.

I'm taking a break from Spanish revision to write this. Spanish is really fun, and I love it, but it is not easy. At all.

It's so stupid, but I miss him a lot. And the last I saw him was yesterday morning. What a crazy girl.

It's only been a week, and we've only had a few dates. But each date has been completely amazing and unforgettable.

It just astounds me how much we're alike but so very different at the same time. Our tastes in movie and music are a good example. We both listen to rock bands like Creed and Green Day. And yet while I listen to more indie and pop rock, he listens to old-style rock and country music. It's intriguing and fascinating.

On Monday, we were watching The Blues Brothers. There was a line in the movie when Elwood asked his brother 'Who you gonna call?' and both of us whispered 'Ghostbusters' at the same time. I'm sure many others would do the same, but some might only think it and not say it, and the fact that we were both whispering it (like it was too cheesy to say out loud) was so hilarious and showed how in sync we were.

It's just the little things like that that show me how lucky I am to have met a guy like him.

He doesn't only tell me that I'm beautiful or sexy or adorable. He shows it to me. The way he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only one who matters.

It's only been a week and he's already been more romantic than anyone I have ever dated. He drove me to see a beautiful lake in the middle of the country roads, then attempted to drive up a hill to see a glorious view of the border between Manchester, Sheffield, and Oldham. I say attempted because we realised that there was no tarmac track for the car to get there, but the thought was just so romantic. And the view I got was still spectacular.

It's scary because I'm still overthinking everything. I overthink every day. And the more time we spend together, the more my brain tries to process what is it that's going on. I doubt myself and what I'm doing all the time. But I also have no regrets about my decisions. It's a schizophrenic disorder due to the fact that my mind never stops working, but at the same time, my heart wants to fall right in. So I'm torn between two extremes.

In any case. I need to focus on my exams and I need to keep reminding myself that we have a long 3 month break ahead of us. So, it's all on God now.

If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side.

So far, it's been going amazingly.

He's such a wonderful guy. We've only been going out a week but I feel there is so much potential between us.

It's true that we only have about a month left. And most of it will be spent on trying to garner that 2:1 average. But in every other aspect, it's the right timing. And perhaps meeting now is a good time to establish if we are truly meant to be together.

It's so easy with him though. I'm totally, completely 100% myself, no holds barred. I'm crazy, and annoying, and silly. And he just takes in everything, being crazy with me, humouring my stupid nonsense.

Every 'quick' call we have lasts for a hour or more. Every visit ends in him leaving the flat in the wee hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, watching movies, being happy.

I'm happy. :) And so glad that the Lord brought him into my life. Such a great guy.

Do I dare hope for more?

So this is what it feel like, right place, right time.

Okay. Right now, I'm supposed to be either doing my seminar work or getting dressed to go to the gym. Right now, I'm nowhere near doing either.

And it looks like I won't be doing either any time soon...

So, here I am. Blogging after a bit of an absence.

I'm happy. :)

I can't even begin to describe it.

Yesterday, I had a date with an amazing guy. He is so sweet, hilarious, and such a gentleman.

Really don't want to get my hopes up, because well, look how it's backfired on me before.

So well, here's goes. Slow and steady. Again.

Ohh boy. I wonder if my next post will be happy or devastating.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

I liken myself to a child that has decided that she actually really wants the Barbie doll she tossed aside. And all because someone else picked it up and decided that they would keep it. So the little child is annoyed.

I think it's just the whole human nature thing of wanting what you can't have. You know that in normal circumstances, you wouldn't even give a second thought to that particular item, wouldn't think about it, wouldn't take it if someone gave it to you. But the moment it no longer becomes an option for you, you hanker for it like a dog hankers for a bone. Pathetic reasoning, but true, nonetheless.

It's a horrible thought. And if ever you should feel this way, remember that you should never ever, under any circumstance, do anything about it, because the moment you do try to snatch that Barbie back, the feeling of happiness and satisfaction will only last for a minute. And then you remember why you tossed it out in the first place. And then you think 'well, why the fuck did I go through all that trouble for something I didn't want?'

Before that realisation kicks in though, and before you attempt to snatch the proverbial Barbie back, you get to happily grapple with thoughts like 'Well, am I jealous that the other person is happy with that Barbie? Did I truly really want that Barbie? Did I make a colossal mistake in throwing the Barbie out?' and many many more.

You sit down, in the middle of the room, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. You know that when you think of the Barbie itself, you see it as nothing more than a used doll, damaged and broken, something you should've rightly thrown out. But then someone else seems to be so happy with it. Was there another side to the doll that you hadn't realised?

You then continue wondering, does that other child realise how damaged and broken the doll is? Does the child only see the fun Barbie, the fact that it's a pretty doll? Should you go tell her that the doll is broken and that if she continues to play with it, she herself will get hurt?

But at the end of the day, you realise that you don't even know the child. She might know that the Barbie is beyond repair but might still accept it for what it is. Unlike you, who threw it out the moment you realised the extent of the damage. Perhaps she might appreciate it more, you know that you could never enjoy that Barbie anymore, which is fine because you have newer, better toys to play with.

So after all that contemplation, you realise that you were never going to be happy with that Barbie, and that the only reason why you would've possibly wanted the Barbie back is because you are, by nature, a selfish person. Which is okay, because everyone is a little bit selfish, but at the end of the day, as long as you don't hurt other people with your selfishness, you're ace.






I wonder how much time I can waste not doing my essay.

So open up your mind and see like me

Well, the retreat was amazing. But I suppose I shan't really bore you with the details.

I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.

For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.

So, just typical student-y stuff really.

I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?

Perhaps. Either one.

In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?

Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.

To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.

Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.

To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.

Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.

This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.

Maybe I'm insane, cuz' I keep expecting that one day we will change

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do.

It's like, I've been close to the heat, been burnt by the fire, but the bright flames keep attracting me back to its horrid core centre.

I honestly need to get a grip on things. I am in such a good place right now. I have plenty of amazing great friends, I'm doing alright in school, maintaining my 2:1 average, I'm actually happy, enjoying my stay here.

I don't want that to end. I think of the depression of the past and I don't want that. I want to be this happy for a while, hold on to that joy for as long as humanly possible.

No matter how much I want certain things to be different, or as they are, I can't have that. And I never will. So perhaps it's time I start accepting that.

I just hope that the Easter retreat will help to clarify this issue of mine. Once and for all. It's been dragging back and forth for a while. It should and needs to stop.

Now and then when I see her face, it takes me away to that special place.

I love being busy. It just sucks up all your energy and you feel so satisfied with life.

But did I maybe take on a bit too much when I signed up for TWO LAC cases?

Maybe.

Oh well. I'm actually really really enjoying myself this semester. I'm loving Spanish classes to death. I enjoy researching on practical legal shit that I'll actually need to know. And classes are pretty manageable.

Completely loving land law like the geek I am. Only missed one lecture so far this semester. Amazing, init?

Education law is fine, but the lecturer is a tad dry so it does take a bit of getting used to.

Jurisprudence needs a bit of work. But nothing a day spent in the library tomorrow can't fix. Oh dear, I am SUCH a geek this semester.

But absolutely loving it.

I'm going to kick until I need new shoes

Again it's another lonely valentine's.

Well, T's coming over and he asked me to be his valentine.

Thing is, I feel a little bad because I know he still likes me. And I *have* told him before that I don't like him in that way.. But we still talk and stuff, and he asked. And I have no one else.

I mean, how seriously desperate am I?

And mean, too. I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings and losing him as a friend.

With my busy schedule I honestly do wonder how I'm supposed to find someone. =/

Never had much faith in love or miracles

I need to start on my reading for Jurisprudence soon. Heaven knows there's a lot I'm totally confused about. And I need to be on the ball this term. Between my time spent at the LAC, and with the added Spanish class under my belt, I really do need all the time I can to finish up as much revision as I can.

Plus, starting on my readings would mean that I can get all the nonsense 'I'm lonely' thoughts out of my head. Valentine's day is a horrible 'holiday' because it messes with you, no matter how much you don't want it to. You tell yourself it's just another day, but commercialisation and society tells you otherwise.

In the end, we're all just a bunch of fish in the sea, being moved by the large currents. We kinda get to swim on our own (because we have fins and gills) and so it gives us a false sense that we're truly the ones in control. But we're not, are we? We're being controlled by whatever society dictates is the right way to behave, or act, or just be. In this case, the proverbial large currents that bring us to goodness-knows-where.

Hmm, I suppose this ties in nicely with the idea in jurisprudence, that we're all merely beings with the end outcome of achieving peace. Somehow, that idea has become skewered over the years. What is dictated as peace now is not the peace that everyone has an idea of.

In fact, as society progresses, everyone's opinions, ideas, perspectives on life get shifted, and changed, and due to globalisation, we get different ideas of what is right, what we want, what life should entail. But in the end, we do what society tells us is right. And who is 'society'? Erm... it's us, isn't it.

Like one of those fucking bloody vicious cycles.

Haha, life sure can be entertaining.

Anyway, I shall get started on jurisprudence. I shall. I will. No, don't say otherwise, I will. Stop saying I won't!

There's another conversation going on

I don't even know why I'm so upset. I suppose it's mostly because I honestly thought he was one of the good guys.

And of course, he didn't mean to hurt me. And I suppose he was just trying to be honest. But it still hurt.

What I want is to just give up on the idea of love. To stop believing in it.

Why should I? Why should I bother to find someone who'd stop treating me like something they can play with? Do I really look like I'm so hard-hearted that my feelings will never get hurt?

I suppose, in that regard, I have my parents to thank. For all their nonsense, their flaws, their crazy shit, they found each other. And even though they bitch, moan, fight and scream at each other, I know that they still love the other.

And I want that. And that's why I fight on.

In the meantime, I shall have to be patient. Trust me when I say it's taking every ounce of me not to just throw myself into a pit of depression.

Speaking of which,

It's also taking every ounce of me not to break a few necks and step on some people.

I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised that having a blog would one day come back to bite me in the ass. I guess people just need something to talk about, and no matter how much you want to avoid it, it just happens.

I'm really not upset about what I've heard. I could be. And I suppose it would be very easy to be. But I'm nothing if not smart, and I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't see this coming, especially after some stranger started questioning me about my blog a while back.

In the end, I suppose it's not possible to control what people think and say about you. I just know that as long as the people that matter understand the full story, I answer to no one else.

I could say right now that I hope people just read my blog and understand that what I write here is just a way to express my inner most thoughts. But of course, whatever I say doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, people just take what they read at face value. I won't lie, I'm guilty of that too sometimes.

I bitch constantly about people. And trust me, it can be fun. And the stuff I learn about some people (which of course I shan't name or describe) can be quite eye-opening. So I suppose it's just karma that I get bitched about too.

In the end, it's just a huge game of who can be the biggest bitch. ;)

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Let's see if this goes well.

Let's see.

Hmm.

Come out with things unsaid,

I suppose I'm back at square one. A-gain.

It just seems like a never-ending battle for me. But I suppose at the end of the day, it's my own fault for not being more discerning.

Okay so right now, I have too many things in my life to look forward to, so I'm not really gonna dwell on this too much.

Just keep my chin up and walk on through.

I'll be fine. :)

Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18.

I do think I think too much.

(^LOL)

Mally is back from Jordan which made me kinda exciting because I can't wait to see him again.

But maybe he doesn't feel the same way?

When I told Kammy, she replied with 'I thought you said he was shy?'

Yeah okay, she was right. But I mean... I'd at least he'd be a bit more excited to talk to me?

Maybe he's just really busy. After all, he has a lot of work to catch up with.

Okay, I really need to stop being all.... crazy.

Even if he only wants to be friends, he's a really nice guy so I wouldn't mind being friends.

Maybe.

Okay, 9am in the morning is a crazy time for me. =/

We found love in a hopeless place

The title of my blog is 'Write With Songs'. This is because all of my post titles are lyrics from songs. At least for the last couple of years. (Maybe since 2010?)

Sometimes, it's a line that seems to fit with my current mood, or the current theme of the post. Most of the time though, it's what I happen to be listening to while writing the post. Or whatever I have stuck in my head. And hence, that's why, today's title is such.

I really am not a huge fan of Rihanna. But this song's in Calvin Harris' new album and it's on repeat right now.

I do love a lot of genres of music. From jazz, to pop, to rock, to indie, to the 'oldies'.

Anyway, tomorrow, I fly back home.

It's been an extremely fun holiday back. I got to finally meet my adorable niece and The Usuals were all reunited for a record-breaking number of times since we all went our separate ways.

I can't wait to be back in the UK and see what lies in store for me. :)

These are the good old days.

An early 21st birthday celebration. :)

And a puke-stained blanket to show for it. :(

Who's gonna save the world tonight?

Firstly, I would like to wish everyone reading this a very happy New Year. It's 2013, everyone! You know what this means, right???? Yeah, no, I don't either.

Well, I'm sure the new year will bring with it joy and everything else.

I just finished my application to Linklaters for their summer programme. Here's my fingers crossed that I do manage to get a place. I realise it's wayy too competitive but at least I try.

I've got plenty of other applications to complete, 4 of which I need to do before I return home. The rest I can wait till my exams are over before I start them.

It's pretty tedious though. Most of the form is the same. But because there is no copy and paste option, I have to fill it in manually, one by one.

In other news, I'm getting extremely excited for my birthday party on Saturday. It's gearing up to be quite a night. Plenty of my good friends are scheduled to arrive. And of course, the lunch affair with my  family. Right. Well, I better get started on my exam revision proper.

I'm back in the UK in less than 2 weeks. That's really quick. :O (I made the mistake of adding a 'yay' behind that statement in front of my mum and she got kinda annoyed.)

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I'm editing this at 9.30pm Singapore time. (My blog's still in UK time soo.... yeah.)

I'm halfway through studying express trusts and I've been taking too many breaks in between.

Anyway, I realise I forgot to write this down. So future me can see this. (And when I say future me, I mean the me in a few weeks' time.) I've decided that it's probably a waste of time with M. I mean, a few messages on Christmas day and that was it. After that, nothing. I mean, if someone really liked you, he'd kinda try to show it, wouldn't he? At least a message on New Year's Day or something. So I say I'll give him a chance... But after that... nothing. So, I mean, really. What did you think a chance meant? That I was going to jump into your arms? You wanted that chance, so obviously you're gonna have to work for it.

You see, that's what really puzzles me about M more than anything. I really, really cannot understand him. In other ways, he is a really nice guy. Good looking, sweet, blah blah. But he seems to be shooting mixed signals all over the place. The first period of a budding relationship should not be so difficult. It's sweet, and you get to know one another, and you go on dates, and feelings start to blossom. And you like the other person a lot, so you know it might turn into something. With M, I do still like him a bit. Although, not as much as before, definitely. When he texts me, he's like this super sweet guy. All his words are coated in sugar and frosting, and he only has words of adoration. But then, nothing. Just. Completely ignores me. No texts, no calls. Like it doesn't matter that he doesn't text or call, or even that I don't text or call.

Okay, here's me admitting that, like every other girl, I do get happy, maybe even excited, when the guy I like texts me. But how I (and most girls) know he really likes me, is when he can't go on long without texting again. And again. (And obviously, if I like him, I reply.) Which, in this case, M doesn't do. So hmm.. does he like me? Or not? Somehow I get the feeling that perhaps he just wanted another chance because he just wanted to date someone, anyone. He told me that he wanted a life outside of work. Maybe at that point in time, I was the only option. Well, if that's the case I don't blame him, and I'm not mad at him, but I'm definitely not gonna waste my time with him. And I hope he finds someone nice to 'have a life outside work' with. lol.