I'm building bridges that I know you never wanted

You realise that you're increasing in maturity when:

- You could easily argue your way out of something your mum wanted you to do. But instead, you just do as she said because she's your mum and you love her. And really, it doesn't take *that* much from you.

- You quickly learn that in a relationship (especially a long-distance one), it boils down to give and take. Sometimes you give and you don't get back in return. That's okay. Because sometimes you take and you don't give in return. You don't expect the person to act like you would in that situation, because you are two different people, and not copies of each other. If you *were* copies, that would be kinda like dating yourself, and that's creepy on so many different levels.

- You could literally order Mcdonalds right now, at 2am in the morning, but you don't, because you know you're not that young anymore, and anything you eat will go straight to your heart (or even worse, your thighs) and that's just not ideal.

- You don't immediately blurt out your inner thoughts on social media. You stop, think clearly about your audience, the impact of what you say, and its consequences. (I have to admit, I *do* rant here, and on Twitter. But in my defence, my twitter account is followed by a mere handful of people, and is locked. And my blog is not exactly well-known to most that actually know me.)

- Your conversations with friends start to turn towards current affairs and actual important things (although the occasional indulgence about Amanda Bynes or Kim K's new baby might be had).

- You know that although you are increasing in maturity, you still have a lot to learn in life. You're not well-versed in any one topic, or issue, you need constant life lessons and experiences, and you accept that. And perhaps, you know you might never be able to reach full maturity.

Because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I wrote a post earlier. But my fucking horrible internet connection, coupled with my notion that perhaps it was just an angst-fuelled rant that no one should ever read, prevented me from publishing the post. Or even saving it for that matter (read: horrible internet connection)

However, as I am lying in bed, trying to get a bit of sleep and get rid of my jet lag (which is soooo not happening, at least for the next few days), I'm still fuelled by rage and almost-demonic levels of frustration. And so, I shall blog, in an effort to quel the seeping thoughts of near-suicidal hurt.

If you know anything about me at all, I will come across as mildly dramatic and slightly expressive. The more you get to know me, the more you realise, that is a drastic understatement.

My powers to over-analyse the smallest detail have brought me both great knowledge in my academic life, and great pain in my emotional relationships. I try to find patterns and links in certain things, subconsciously telling myself that history always repeats itself. And I'm, at my worst, a blob of complete insecurity, hankering for external validation from anyone and everyone.

Which brings me to my next point - I am not good at long distance relationships.

I have never been, and I never will be. 

I am, at my very core, very affectionate, expressive, and a hopeless romantic. I dream of getting flowers, chocolates, my significant other surprising me in the littlest ways. Spending precious moments together, and everything else under the sun. An LDR does not get you that. Especially when your significant other is so horribly bad at LDRs. 

I say I'm bad at LDRs, but I try. I know I miss him a terrible lot. I try to message him whenever I can, whenever I think of something funny that he'd love, I'll share it with him on Facebook. Whenever he's online, I quickly take that opportunity to say 'hi!' It's bad enough that he has no whatsapp on his phone while being in America. It just means that we have to try harder to communicate.

When I say we, I suppose I mean me. Because he sure as hell ain't doing fuck shit.

Before I got into this, I already (we already) knew it was going to be hard. But he is (was?) such a loving boyfriend, so sweet to me, and I thought I found someone who was so similar, yet so different. It was pretty perfect. But he is so fucking shit at LDRs. He doesn't understand the concept of making time to talk.

When we were talking about having to be apart for 2.5 months, he said we would make time, we would skype each other a lot. I haven't seen his face in more than a week. He was supposed to skype with me on Tuesday but he came down with food poisoning. Fair enough. I was annoyed, but I surely couldn't blame the guy. On Wednesday, I left for Singapore, and landed on Thursday.

He briefly chatted with me, perhaps in a conversation that you have with a close friend (at best). Just very general 'glad you arrived safe', 'how are you' sort of pitiful nonsensical drivel you spurn when you don't have anything else better to say to someone you're forced to communicate with.

Oh, but here is the humdinger! He told me he couldn't skype then because he needed to eat breakfast. I honestly think that is the most fucking lame excuse ever concocted by mankind. I mean, even dogs DO enjoy the occasional notepad paper. (Here, I am awkwardly referring to the ever-so-popular 'dog ate my homework' excuse.)

Yes, I do understand that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and God forbid you skip it, ever! But is it honestly so unreasonable of me to maybe expect him to call me and talk to me a bit before eating?

I understand that his laptop is shit, and his phone is hopeless, and he is in Texas on holiday to meet up with his mates and everything like that. But to me, that's just excuse after excuse, piled up on each other like dung on a hot day. 

I just miss him so fucking much. But it's like he doesn't give a flying fuck. I know he loves me, I don't doubt it. I just think that I need more. I need to know that he misses me too. Misses me enough to count the hours until I wake up, misses me enough to constantly check if I'm on Facebook so we can talk.

But of course, I'm probably the only idiot doing that.

I'm so sick of feeling this way. I honestly am. I want to talk to him about it but I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I really shouldn't be getting into a relationship in my 20s.

You would hardly recognise me, I'm so glad

I find it odd how certain people in Singapore are trying to fight for gay rights. I mean, that's all well and good, but we don't even have human rights in that country yet. So, y'know. If you don't have milk, why are you screaming for cereal?

Unless you really like cereal without milk. Then it's okay.

12.5 hours to freedom!

Then it's a whole lot of Davy, and then GERMANY/POLAND!!

I need to charge my camera.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

To my boyfriend:

I'm sorry I have to say this here. But I suppose I'm too much of a coward.

A few months ago, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting a few men, the ones that stuck were Hart, Dworkin, and Mills. To name a few. I met them in my Jurisprudence module.

It wasn't much of a relationship when it began. In fact, as time progressed, I could see that the polygamous relationship was largely one-sided and abusive.

Instead of ending it though, I decided to make it work. If you ask me for the exact reasons, I could not tell you.

Now, I need to admit that I love these men. I do. Don't tell me otherwise, you'd be wrong. I love them.

And for the next few days, I need to envelope myself in my love for them, which means, our relationship will have to take a backseat.

Although I still love you so much, I cannot give myself fully to you until I settle the dust of my abusive, polygamous relationship with these apathetic scholars.

Until then, mi amor.

Steph xxx

I'm a little used to calling outside your name

I think I need to relax a little with how much I've been talking about Dave.

I feel like I'm annoying my friends by constantly talking about him, especially the single ones.

Like, to be honest, no matter how much I love my friends, if they constantly yapped about their boyfriends, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Of course they haven't really said anything, mainly because they're really happy for me and stuff.

Still.

Yeahhh I should, like, maintain a bit.

In other words, I told him I loved him. And he said it back. And now I'm giddy with excitement and love for my darling boyfriend.

I'll shut up now.

My mirror staring back at me

I cannot wait for exams to be over.

My mind is a whirl of nothingness.

And law.

AJKSJFLKSFLCJSKDKXWOQLAIEODEJS.

And rant over.

Two strangers learn to fall in love again

Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder about the events that happen in my life. Why they happen, what purpose have they, how come they happened to me.

I suppose for many of the things that happen, good or bad, I never understand why until quite later into my life. And then I think back, and I realise that without the pain, I could never feel joy quite like this.

I think back to this time last year. I was knee deep in revision, trying to garner good grades for the semester to make up for my horrible grades in the first one. Between pages of case law and statutes, however, I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was.

At that point, I was no longer in the throes of depression. I wasn't fully healed yet, by any standard, and was still struggling to find myself. But I was okay. I was fine enough, just concentrating on the exams and my upcoming plans for the summer.

The summer was great. A fantastic opportunity to rid myself of the 'bad blood' of the past year, enjoying friends, both old and new, enjoying family, both the annoying and loving parts.

Before all of that, before that healing period, I was this close to giving up on everything. Oh no, I wasn't suicidal (I think. For the most part, at least.) I just was not in the slightest bit concerned with life anymore. To me, it was a big joke. I was never deserving of anything wonderful, for long. The slightest bit of happiness to come to me in a while, and it was just nothing but a big facade.

When my heart broke for the first time, when it legitimately plummeted to the ground in millions of pieces, it felt so surreal. I didn't think it could ever happen to me. I didn't think it would be exactly like in the movies, or in dramas, the emotional pain, so overwhelming it felt like a physical stab.

It took me a long time to slowly piece it back together. A lot of time, and a lot more mistakes. Things I wish I never did, things I wish I could just erase.

But again, now, I see that those again were learning curves. Slow crumbling of the wall that hid the potential of my true self. I was naive and young, thinking that the world was a big fairytale. That everything was easy. I never truly worked hard for anything in my life. I was (and sometimes still am) a spoilt child with doting parents and a fortunate childhood.

Being thrown into a situation where my mum couldn't be there to make sure I wasn't doing anything stupid, and my dad couldn't be there to be my knight in shining armour, it forced me to see that the world was a big adventure, but with every adventure there came perils, and so while I must enjoy myself, I needed to be careful.

Coming back to the UK, I was determined to start anew. Determined to focus on work. But it got too hard to concentrate, especially when I only have a few contact hours in university every week. So I ended up trying to date, again.

And of course, I suppose you could get a summary of how most of my dates went from my previous posts.

It was the Christmas break and the last guy I dated that really made me not want to do this anymore. The constant questioning, the constant yearning for futures with guys who obviously had little interest in me at all. It was enough. I had to stop and just be with me for a while.

And a few months later, I met the one person I'm questioning everything I've ever known. In a good way. (Most of the time.)

I'd like to think I'm no longer naive. And that I know how not to let a few kind words do me in. I won't pretend I'm now the world class expert in relationships. In fact, as I slowly let myself trust this man with my life, I'm still learning how to behave in a relationship, what to think and say, when to do what.

Most importantly, I've come into this fully whole and myself. Not who I think I should be, or who I want to be. Just me.

As I write this, I think about how extremely blessed I am, again. I just can't stop because I feel like everything's going pretty perfectly. (Sometimes, I wonder if it's just too perfect, but that's not for today's post.)

I had to come full circle for this. and I'm not even gonna pretend that I'll never get my heart broken again.

But it's nice to know that, for now at least, whatever has happened to me, happened for a reason.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

This is the best outlet for me to pen down my thoughts because I don't know where else to put them.

Also, it means that the few little who care about me can keep up with my latest musings.

Of course, I'll like to add (for their benefit) that my inner emotions are merely a minor manifestation of how I truly am feeling. I might be inclined to pen down depressive musings, but this is more likely than not because I'd rather let these out quickly and allow the good stuff to sink in.

I mentioned in my last post that he isn't a very 'texty' guy. And while that's all well and good if we spent enough time together, the truth is that we don't. Because of exams and what have you not.

Which means the only form of communication I get with him are through texts and skype. Perhaps the occasional call. I think I'm just the sort of girl that needs a lot of attention just to feel assurance. After all the experiences I've had with dating and men, I suppose it's not that difficult to figure out why. I'm not broken. Just bent. And I am capable of love. His assurances yesterday were amazing. And for a while I felt sorry I ever doubted him. Here is a man who said in his own words that he 'wanted to listen'. And he quietly did as I rambled on for 40 mins. (So it said on the Skype timer.)

He didn't promise that he'd be the best boyfriend ever. He didn't promise he'd never hurt me. He promised that we would do things my way, at my pace. And he promised that I had nothing to worry about.

And yet here I sit. Worried as fuck. Because I miss him so much. And he doesn't seem to be. And I know he does miss me a hell lot. Because when I'm in his arms I can tell he never wants to let me go.

It's just so hard because my heart and my mind are at constant loggerheads. My heart is so ready to fall, so eager to just let him catch me. But my mind is stopping me, questioning every single movement.

I've stopped my mind from questioning the little things, for the most part. I try to swipe them away now. It's not easy but I'm slowly getting better at it. At the same time, I wonder if I'm starting to be too clingy. Constantly telling him that I miss him and being the first to 'break' and text him when we haven't texted in a long while.

Okay I seriously just fucking need to stop and relax.

If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?

I'm so new at this relationship thing. It's going well but I feel like I'm constantly navigating myself through my own self-destructive thoughts.

It's funny because we're both not the best at relationships. And I guess that's great, because it's not me leading him, or him leading me, it's us, holding the other person's hand, and walking side-by-side.

'The more time I spend with you, the longer these next 3 months will be.' 

He said this in a quiet voice, as we both were drifting off to sleep. 

I feel like I'm learning about him every day. Like, how every time we text, his replies tend to be rather short and seemingly dismissive. I used to think that maybe I liked him too much too fast and he was getting overwhelmed. Then I found out that he thought of me constantly. That I was always on his mind. And it's obvious by the way he acts around me. So he's just not a man of many words. He prefers to show it. And that's a lot better in every way.

I think I could fall hard. And I'm so afraid because I've fallen hard before and it has not ended well. And this time, I feel like if and when I do fall hard, he'll be there to catch me. 

I gave him a spare toothbrush to use this morning. The last 2 times I did that, the relationship sort of broke down soon after. Here's to hoping the toothbrush is kept there and used.

He said 'God only helps those who learn to help themselves'

I'm in an extremely good place now, and I only have one man to thank. Well, man/God. Or basically, y'know, just God.

I got the internship in Munich

I met a brilliant man who's showing me that there are still good guys out there who're romantic as hell

I think I did brilliantly for Spanish and am inclined to continue building up my speaking skills

My results so far have been good. Not great, perhaps, but good. And I will continue to strive to do better for myself, my parents who've worked so hard, and for God.

I have brilliant friends. Wonderful, amazing people that I've met that built my character, changed me, loved me for myself.

I have a loving family. Full of warmth and encouragement. Yes, we fight, and argue, and bitch. But at the end of the day, we are one unit.

I'm going to Germany and Poland for a trip with my mum after the exams

Honestly, I could not ask for more. I mean, I would have no right to. I've just been so blessed. I'm just so lucky. My life is just going amazing.

It probably won't for long. I'm not cynical, that's just how life is. But I'm not gonna sit around and wait for things to crash or go chaotic. Instead, I'm going to sit back, enjoy myself while it lasts, and soak in the good times.

To the brilliant amazing deity that I believe in with all my heart, you truly are great. And I never do thank you enough. I can't, in fact. But thank you, anyway. Without you, I'd be nothing, really.

But with you, I feel again

I'm slowly dying inside.

A proper relationship is extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you're in your honeymoon period and it's supposed to be fun and happiness and constant snuggles and giggles.

But it's hard when I'm supposed to be revising for my exams (which I am currently NOT doing) and he has exams too which are in a few days and all I want is for him to come over and be with me, but I can't. Because that would be massively selfish of me.

And I feel like a complete bitch because he's texting me telling me how much fun he's having out with his mates and while I reply with 'yay!' and 'so glad you're enjoying yourself!' I can't help but think 'But what about me! :('

This is not to say that he can NEVER have fun with his mates. I'm really not all that unreasonable. But it might be nice to maybe drive down a bit to see your girlfriend for a while, especially since you've not seen her in a bit. And then if you want to go crazy with your mates, fine.

Okay I am becoming absolutely mental. It's just that we're still trying to get to know each other, and it's hard enough as it is.

Okay I just need to relax and start fucking studying, for fuck's sake.

Lately, I've been, I've been fast asleep, dreaming of all the things that we could be.

I'm taking a break from Spanish revision to write this. Spanish is really fun, and I love it, but it is not easy. At all.

It's so stupid, but I miss him a lot. And the last I saw him was yesterday morning. What a crazy girl.

It's only been a week, and we've only had a few dates. But each date has been completely amazing and unforgettable.

It just astounds me how much we're alike but so very different at the same time. Our tastes in movie and music are a good example. We both listen to rock bands like Creed and Green Day. And yet while I listen to more indie and pop rock, he listens to old-style rock and country music. It's intriguing and fascinating.

On Monday, we were watching The Blues Brothers. There was a line in the movie when Elwood asked his brother 'Who you gonna call?' and both of us whispered 'Ghostbusters' at the same time. I'm sure many others would do the same, but some might only think it and not say it, and the fact that we were both whispering it (like it was too cheesy to say out loud) was so hilarious and showed how in sync we were.

It's just the little things like that that show me how lucky I am to have met a guy like him.

He doesn't only tell me that I'm beautiful or sexy or adorable. He shows it to me. The way he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only one who matters.

It's only been a week and he's already been more romantic than anyone I have ever dated. He drove me to see a beautiful lake in the middle of the country roads, then attempted to drive up a hill to see a glorious view of the border between Manchester, Sheffield, and Oldham. I say attempted because we realised that there was no tarmac track for the car to get there, but the thought was just so romantic. And the view I got was still spectacular.

It's scary because I'm still overthinking everything. I overthink every day. And the more time we spend together, the more my brain tries to process what is it that's going on. I doubt myself and what I'm doing all the time. But I also have no regrets about my decisions. It's a schizophrenic disorder due to the fact that my mind never stops working, but at the same time, my heart wants to fall right in. So I'm torn between two extremes.

In any case. I need to focus on my exams and I need to keep reminding myself that we have a long 3 month break ahead of us. So, it's all on God now.