Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder about the events that happen in my life. Why they happen, what purpose have they, how come they happened to me.
I suppose for many of the things that happen, good or bad, I never understand why until quite later into my life. And then I think back, and I realise that without the pain, I could never feel joy quite like this.
I think back to this time last year. I was knee deep in revision, trying to garner good grades for the semester to make up for my horrible grades in the first one. Between pages of case law and statutes, however, I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was.
At that point, I was no longer in the throes of depression. I wasn't fully healed yet, by any standard, and was still struggling to find myself. But I was okay. I was fine enough, just concentrating on the exams and my upcoming plans for the summer.
The summer was great. A fantastic opportunity to rid myself of the 'bad blood' of the past year, enjoying friends, both old and new, enjoying family, both the annoying and loving parts.
Before all of that, before that healing period, I was this close to giving up on everything. Oh no, I wasn't suicidal (I think. For the most part, at least.) I just was not in the slightest bit concerned with life anymore. To me, it was a big joke. I was never deserving of anything wonderful, for long. The slightest bit of happiness to come to me in a while, and it was just nothing but a big facade.
When my heart broke for the first time, when it legitimately plummeted to the ground in millions of pieces, it felt so surreal. I didn't think it could ever happen to me. I didn't think it would be exactly like in the movies, or in dramas, the emotional pain, so overwhelming it felt like a physical stab.
It took me a long time to slowly piece it back together. A lot of time, and a lot more mistakes. Things I wish I never did, things I wish I could just erase.
But again, now, I see that those again were learning curves. Slow crumbling of the wall that hid the potential of my true self. I was naive and young, thinking that the world was a big fairytale. That everything was easy. I never truly worked hard for anything in my life. I was (and sometimes still am) a spoilt child with doting parents and a fortunate childhood.
Being thrown into a situation where my mum couldn't be there to make sure I wasn't doing anything stupid, and my dad couldn't be there to be my knight in shining armour, it forced me to see that the world was a big adventure, but with every adventure there came perils, and so while I must enjoy myself, I needed to be careful.
Coming back to the UK, I was determined to start anew. Determined to focus on work. But it got too hard to concentrate, especially when I only have a few contact hours in university every week. So I ended up trying to date, again.
And of course, I suppose you could get a summary of how most of my dates went from my previous posts.
It was the Christmas break and the last guy I dated that really made me not want to do this anymore. The constant questioning, the constant yearning for futures with guys who obviously had little interest in me at all. It was enough. I had to stop and just be with me for a while.
And a few months later, I met the one person I'm questioning everything I've ever known. In a good way. (Most of the time.)
I'd like to think I'm no longer naive. And that I know how not to let a few kind words do me in. I won't pretend I'm now the world class expert in relationships. In fact, as I slowly let myself trust this man with my life, I'm still learning how to behave in a relationship, what to think and say, when to do what.
Most importantly, I've come into this fully whole and myself. Not who I think I should be, or who I want to be. Just me.
As I write this, I think about how extremely blessed I am, again. I just can't stop because I feel like everything's going pretty perfectly. (Sometimes, I wonder if it's just too perfect, but that's not for today's post.)
I had to come full circle for this. and I'm not even gonna pretend that I'll never get my heart broken again.
But it's nice to know that, for now at least, whatever has happened to me, happened for a reason.
This is a girl. This is her blog. That's pretty much the gist of where you are now on the internet.
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