Two strangers learn to fall in love again

Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder about the events that happen in my life. Why they happen, what purpose have they, how come they happened to me.

I suppose for many of the things that happen, good or bad, I never understand why until quite later into my life. And then I think back, and I realise that without the pain, I could never feel joy quite like this.

I think back to this time last year. I was knee deep in revision, trying to garner good grades for the semester to make up for my horrible grades in the first one. Between pages of case law and statutes, however, I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was.

At that point, I was no longer in the throes of depression. I wasn't fully healed yet, by any standard, and was still struggling to find myself. But I was okay. I was fine enough, just concentrating on the exams and my upcoming plans for the summer.

The summer was great. A fantastic opportunity to rid myself of the 'bad blood' of the past year, enjoying friends, both old and new, enjoying family, both the annoying and loving parts.

Before all of that, before that healing period, I was this close to giving up on everything. Oh no, I wasn't suicidal (I think. For the most part, at least.) I just was not in the slightest bit concerned with life anymore. To me, it was a big joke. I was never deserving of anything wonderful, for long. The slightest bit of happiness to come to me in a while, and it was just nothing but a big facade.

When my heart broke for the first time, when it legitimately plummeted to the ground in millions of pieces, it felt so surreal. I didn't think it could ever happen to me. I didn't think it would be exactly like in the movies, or in dramas, the emotional pain, so overwhelming it felt like a physical stab.

It took me a long time to slowly piece it back together. A lot of time, and a lot more mistakes. Things I wish I never did, things I wish I could just erase.

But again, now, I see that those again were learning curves. Slow crumbling of the wall that hid the potential of my true self. I was naive and young, thinking that the world was a big fairytale. That everything was easy. I never truly worked hard for anything in my life. I was (and sometimes still am) a spoilt child with doting parents and a fortunate childhood.

Being thrown into a situation where my mum couldn't be there to make sure I wasn't doing anything stupid, and my dad couldn't be there to be my knight in shining armour, it forced me to see that the world was a big adventure, but with every adventure there came perils, and so while I must enjoy myself, I needed to be careful.

Coming back to the UK, I was determined to start anew. Determined to focus on work. But it got too hard to concentrate, especially when I only have a few contact hours in university every week. So I ended up trying to date, again.

And of course, I suppose you could get a summary of how most of my dates went from my previous posts.

It was the Christmas break and the last guy I dated that really made me not want to do this anymore. The constant questioning, the constant yearning for futures with guys who obviously had little interest in me at all. It was enough. I had to stop and just be with me for a while.

And a few months later, I met the one person I'm questioning everything I've ever known. In a good way. (Most of the time.)

I'd like to think I'm no longer naive. And that I know how not to let a few kind words do me in. I won't pretend I'm now the world class expert in relationships. In fact, as I slowly let myself trust this man with my life, I'm still learning how to behave in a relationship, what to think and say, when to do what.

Most importantly, I've come into this fully whole and myself. Not who I think I should be, or who I want to be. Just me.

As I write this, I think about how extremely blessed I am, again. I just can't stop because I feel like everything's going pretty perfectly. (Sometimes, I wonder if it's just too perfect, but that's not for today's post.)

I had to come full circle for this. and I'm not even gonna pretend that I'll never get my heart broken again.

But it's nice to know that, for now at least, whatever has happened to me, happened for a reason.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

This is the best outlet for me to pen down my thoughts because I don't know where else to put them.

Also, it means that the few little who care about me can keep up with my latest musings.

Of course, I'll like to add (for their benefit) that my inner emotions are merely a minor manifestation of how I truly am feeling. I might be inclined to pen down depressive musings, but this is more likely than not because I'd rather let these out quickly and allow the good stuff to sink in.

I mentioned in my last post that he isn't a very 'texty' guy. And while that's all well and good if we spent enough time together, the truth is that we don't. Because of exams and what have you not.

Which means the only form of communication I get with him are through texts and skype. Perhaps the occasional call. I think I'm just the sort of girl that needs a lot of attention just to feel assurance. After all the experiences I've had with dating and men, I suppose it's not that difficult to figure out why. I'm not broken. Just bent. And I am capable of love. His assurances yesterday were amazing. And for a while I felt sorry I ever doubted him. Here is a man who said in his own words that he 'wanted to listen'. And he quietly did as I rambled on for 40 mins. (So it said on the Skype timer.)

He didn't promise that he'd be the best boyfriend ever. He didn't promise he'd never hurt me. He promised that we would do things my way, at my pace. And he promised that I had nothing to worry about.

And yet here I sit. Worried as fuck. Because I miss him so much. And he doesn't seem to be. And I know he does miss me a hell lot. Because when I'm in his arms I can tell he never wants to let me go.

It's just so hard because my heart and my mind are at constant loggerheads. My heart is so ready to fall, so eager to just let him catch me. But my mind is stopping me, questioning every single movement.

I've stopped my mind from questioning the little things, for the most part. I try to swipe them away now. It's not easy but I'm slowly getting better at it. At the same time, I wonder if I'm starting to be too clingy. Constantly telling him that I miss him and being the first to 'break' and text him when we haven't texted in a long while.

Okay I seriously just fucking need to stop and relax.

If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?

I'm so new at this relationship thing. It's going well but I feel like I'm constantly navigating myself through my own self-destructive thoughts.

It's funny because we're both not the best at relationships. And I guess that's great, because it's not me leading him, or him leading me, it's us, holding the other person's hand, and walking side-by-side.

'The more time I spend with you, the longer these next 3 months will be.' 

He said this in a quiet voice, as we both were drifting off to sleep. 

I feel like I'm learning about him every day. Like, how every time we text, his replies tend to be rather short and seemingly dismissive. I used to think that maybe I liked him too much too fast and he was getting overwhelmed. Then I found out that he thought of me constantly. That I was always on his mind. And it's obvious by the way he acts around me. So he's just not a man of many words. He prefers to show it. And that's a lot better in every way.

I think I could fall hard. And I'm so afraid because I've fallen hard before and it has not ended well. And this time, I feel like if and when I do fall hard, he'll be there to catch me. 

I gave him a spare toothbrush to use this morning. The last 2 times I did that, the relationship sort of broke down soon after. Here's to hoping the toothbrush is kept there and used.

He said 'God only helps those who learn to help themselves'

I'm in an extremely good place now, and I only have one man to thank. Well, man/God. Or basically, y'know, just God.

I got the internship in Munich

I met a brilliant man who's showing me that there are still good guys out there who're romantic as hell

I think I did brilliantly for Spanish and am inclined to continue building up my speaking skills

My results so far have been good. Not great, perhaps, but good. And I will continue to strive to do better for myself, my parents who've worked so hard, and for God.

I have brilliant friends. Wonderful, amazing people that I've met that built my character, changed me, loved me for myself.

I have a loving family. Full of warmth and encouragement. Yes, we fight, and argue, and bitch. But at the end of the day, we are one unit.

I'm going to Germany and Poland for a trip with my mum after the exams

Honestly, I could not ask for more. I mean, I would have no right to. I've just been so blessed. I'm just so lucky. My life is just going amazing.

It probably won't for long. I'm not cynical, that's just how life is. But I'm not gonna sit around and wait for things to crash or go chaotic. Instead, I'm going to sit back, enjoy myself while it lasts, and soak in the good times.

To the brilliant amazing deity that I believe in with all my heart, you truly are great. And I never do thank you enough. I can't, in fact. But thank you, anyway. Without you, I'd be nothing, really.

But with you, I feel again

I'm slowly dying inside.

A proper relationship is extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you're in your honeymoon period and it's supposed to be fun and happiness and constant snuggles and giggles.

But it's hard when I'm supposed to be revising for my exams (which I am currently NOT doing) and he has exams too which are in a few days and all I want is for him to come over and be with me, but I can't. Because that would be massively selfish of me.

And I feel like a complete bitch because he's texting me telling me how much fun he's having out with his mates and while I reply with 'yay!' and 'so glad you're enjoying yourself!' I can't help but think 'But what about me! :('

This is not to say that he can NEVER have fun with his mates. I'm really not all that unreasonable. But it might be nice to maybe drive down a bit to see your girlfriend for a while, especially since you've not seen her in a bit. And then if you want to go crazy with your mates, fine.

Okay I am becoming absolutely mental. It's just that we're still trying to get to know each other, and it's hard enough as it is.

Okay I just need to relax and start fucking studying, for fuck's sake.

Lately, I've been, I've been fast asleep, dreaming of all the things that we could be.

I'm taking a break from Spanish revision to write this. Spanish is really fun, and I love it, but it is not easy. At all.

It's so stupid, but I miss him a lot. And the last I saw him was yesterday morning. What a crazy girl.

It's only been a week, and we've only had a few dates. But each date has been completely amazing and unforgettable.

It just astounds me how much we're alike but so very different at the same time. Our tastes in movie and music are a good example. We both listen to rock bands like Creed and Green Day. And yet while I listen to more indie and pop rock, he listens to old-style rock and country music. It's intriguing and fascinating.

On Monday, we were watching The Blues Brothers. There was a line in the movie when Elwood asked his brother 'Who you gonna call?' and both of us whispered 'Ghostbusters' at the same time. I'm sure many others would do the same, but some might only think it and not say it, and the fact that we were both whispering it (like it was too cheesy to say out loud) was so hilarious and showed how in sync we were.

It's just the little things like that that show me how lucky I am to have met a guy like him.

He doesn't only tell me that I'm beautiful or sexy or adorable. He shows it to me. The way he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only one who matters.

It's only been a week and he's already been more romantic than anyone I have ever dated. He drove me to see a beautiful lake in the middle of the country roads, then attempted to drive up a hill to see a glorious view of the border between Manchester, Sheffield, and Oldham. I say attempted because we realised that there was no tarmac track for the car to get there, but the thought was just so romantic. And the view I got was still spectacular.

It's scary because I'm still overthinking everything. I overthink every day. And the more time we spend together, the more my brain tries to process what is it that's going on. I doubt myself and what I'm doing all the time. But I also have no regrets about my decisions. It's a schizophrenic disorder due to the fact that my mind never stops working, but at the same time, my heart wants to fall right in. So I'm torn between two extremes.

In any case. I need to focus on my exams and I need to keep reminding myself that we have a long 3 month break ahead of us. So, it's all on God now.

If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side.

So far, it's been going amazingly.

He's such a wonderful guy. We've only been going out a week but I feel there is so much potential between us.

It's true that we only have about a month left. And most of it will be spent on trying to garner that 2:1 average. But in every other aspect, it's the right timing. And perhaps meeting now is a good time to establish if we are truly meant to be together.

It's so easy with him though. I'm totally, completely 100% myself, no holds barred. I'm crazy, and annoying, and silly. And he just takes in everything, being crazy with me, humouring my stupid nonsense.

Every 'quick' call we have lasts for a hour or more. Every visit ends in him leaving the flat in the wee hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, watching movies, being happy.

I'm happy. :) And so glad that the Lord brought him into my life. Such a great guy.

Do I dare hope for more?

So this is what it feel like, right place, right time.

Okay. Right now, I'm supposed to be either doing my seminar work or getting dressed to go to the gym. Right now, I'm nowhere near doing either.

And it looks like I won't be doing either any time soon...

So, here I am. Blogging after a bit of an absence.

I'm happy. :)

I can't even begin to describe it.

Yesterday, I had a date with an amazing guy. He is so sweet, hilarious, and such a gentleman.

Really don't want to get my hopes up, because well, look how it's backfired on me before.

So well, here's goes. Slow and steady. Again.

Ohh boy. I wonder if my next post will be happy or devastating.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

I liken myself to a child that has decided that she actually really wants the Barbie doll she tossed aside. And all because someone else picked it up and decided that they would keep it. So the little child is annoyed.

I think it's just the whole human nature thing of wanting what you can't have. You know that in normal circumstances, you wouldn't even give a second thought to that particular item, wouldn't think about it, wouldn't take it if someone gave it to you. But the moment it no longer becomes an option for you, you hanker for it like a dog hankers for a bone. Pathetic reasoning, but true, nonetheless.

It's a horrible thought. And if ever you should feel this way, remember that you should never ever, under any circumstance, do anything about it, because the moment you do try to snatch that Barbie back, the feeling of happiness and satisfaction will only last for a minute. And then you remember why you tossed it out in the first place. And then you think 'well, why the fuck did I go through all that trouble for something I didn't want?'

Before that realisation kicks in though, and before you attempt to snatch the proverbial Barbie back, you get to happily grapple with thoughts like 'Well, am I jealous that the other person is happy with that Barbie? Did I truly really want that Barbie? Did I make a colossal mistake in throwing the Barbie out?' and many many more.

You sit down, in the middle of the room, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. You know that when you think of the Barbie itself, you see it as nothing more than a used doll, damaged and broken, something you should've rightly thrown out. But then someone else seems to be so happy with it. Was there another side to the doll that you hadn't realised?

You then continue wondering, does that other child realise how damaged and broken the doll is? Does the child only see the fun Barbie, the fact that it's a pretty doll? Should you go tell her that the doll is broken and that if she continues to play with it, she herself will get hurt?

But at the end of the day, you realise that you don't even know the child. She might know that the Barbie is beyond repair but might still accept it for what it is. Unlike you, who threw it out the moment you realised the extent of the damage. Perhaps she might appreciate it more, you know that you could never enjoy that Barbie anymore, which is fine because you have newer, better toys to play with.

So after all that contemplation, you realise that you were never going to be happy with that Barbie, and that the only reason why you would've possibly wanted the Barbie back is because you are, by nature, a selfish person. Which is okay, because everyone is a little bit selfish, but at the end of the day, as long as you don't hurt other people with your selfishness, you're ace.






I wonder how much time I can waste not doing my essay.

So open up your mind and see like me

Well, the retreat was amazing. But I suppose I shan't really bore you with the details.

I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.

For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.

So, just typical student-y stuff really.

I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?

Perhaps. Either one.

In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?

Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.

To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.

Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.

To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.

Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.

This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.

Maybe I'm insane, cuz' I keep expecting that one day we will change

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do.

It's like, I've been close to the heat, been burnt by the fire, but the bright flames keep attracting me back to its horrid core centre.

I honestly need to get a grip on things. I am in such a good place right now. I have plenty of amazing great friends, I'm doing alright in school, maintaining my 2:1 average, I'm actually happy, enjoying my stay here.

I don't want that to end. I think of the depression of the past and I don't want that. I want to be this happy for a while, hold on to that joy for as long as humanly possible.

No matter how much I want certain things to be different, or as they are, I can't have that. And I never will. So perhaps it's time I start accepting that.

I just hope that the Easter retreat will help to clarify this issue of mine. Once and for all. It's been dragging back and forth for a while. It should and needs to stop.

Now and then when I see her face, it takes me away to that special place.

I love being busy. It just sucks up all your energy and you feel so satisfied with life.

But did I maybe take on a bit too much when I signed up for TWO LAC cases?

Maybe.

Oh well. I'm actually really really enjoying myself this semester. I'm loving Spanish classes to death. I enjoy researching on practical legal shit that I'll actually need to know. And classes are pretty manageable.

Completely loving land law like the geek I am. Only missed one lecture so far this semester. Amazing, init?

Education law is fine, but the lecturer is a tad dry so it does take a bit of getting used to.

Jurisprudence needs a bit of work. But nothing a day spent in the library tomorrow can't fix. Oh dear, I am SUCH a geek this semester.

But absolutely loving it.