And with every step together.

I was SOOO weak and dead after math tuition. One week without tuition, and I thought it would be okay? But it's NOT. And I was DYING.. And ALL the calculus FLYING around my head, I made so many careless mistakes in my work, and after like, 1.5 hours, I couldn't even think anymore. And I would just look at my teacher helplessly. And he would try to help? But after that, I was just looking at him blankly, and he would say, 'Yes. This simply works like that, if you get what I'm talking about." And I would groan softly. And you could almost see the pity in his expression, but he kept pressing on.. And when he left, I wanted to celebrate my freedom from my MIND, but then I had to rush and get changed and prepare to go to church.

-

Yesterday, seeing my mother in such a distressed state, I wanted to weep with her. Her muffled sobs as her tears stained the front of my shirt were so disheartening, I didn't know why I didn't break down and cry as she did. I wanted to. I almost did. I think the Lord needed me to be strong for her though. I managed to keep my cool. My voice didn't even crack. I just kept soothing her back and assuring her that everything would be alright. I smiled, hugged her, let her pour out her sorrows, and I didn't even allow a tear to fall. I wonder how I got all that courage. All that bravery and resistance. Even now, as I recount those few moments, tears are threatening to burst. I know that as of now, my throat is closed-up. But I'm not gonna cry. I don't know why, but I can't. Maybe not now.. maybe when I have the privacy of my four walls to keep me from the rest of the world. Maybe then, I'll let the tears fall.

What surprised me was that I would never have been able to last long before. My mother's tears were always my breaking point. I could never have dry eyes when hers were wet with sorrow. When she cried, my throat would close-up and my eyes would feel searing hot. I couldn't stand it. My mother was my pillar. When she broke, how could I, leaning on her with my every breath, not fall as well? And yet, this time, I was her strength. I was her comfort. I remember all the times she had to gather me in her arms, even now, and hush me when my sadness overwhelmed me.

When I had to do it for her, I found the strength from the Lord to do the same. I quietly gathered her in my arms and told her everything was going to be alright. I even did what she would do when I used to sulk. She would give me snacks, or something sweet, and bring me to do something fun Something that would take my mind off things. This time, I watched a DVD with her in my room. The screen may have been small, and my mum may not have gotten all the 'laughs' she needed, but I knew she felt a whole lot better. Because I did.

-

Today marked the end of YFP. And it was a cute occasion mixed with laughter. (Except for the part where a DISGUSTING cockroach fell from the air-con vent and I screamed to high heavens and they laughed at me. :( )
However, there was this thing... It kept coming back to me. Like an annoying fly that keeps smacking you at the back of your neck. I was a little bit annoyed. And a little upset. But you know, I guess things don't always turn out the way you want, huh.

-

You know what? School starts in 2 days. Shit.

The chances of finding someone like you.

It's like catching lightning

I'm quite sad. Just yesterday, blogger was working REALLY well. Awesome, in fact. I was like, 'Wheee!' And now.. It's all wonky again. :(

Ah well. Okay, here I go on about the affairs of the heart, once again... I was trying to study? And I kept thinking about him. It was half I-want-to, and half I-can't-help-but.

Okay, I really think I may go crazy. The funny thing is, I really like those feelings! It feels like something else is going on in my life besides the sad, sad routine I go through every week now. Seriously. Not only does my timetable suck, I NEED to go through the same thing every SINGLE week. No change. No alternate timetables. NOTHING.

So anything that seems to give me respite, I will gladly take it.

I feel so dead. I feel like... I actually have a chance of not doing well for promos. I'm too scared. I'm really scared. I actually really want to try H3 math, but if I can't even prove that I can juggle 4 H2 subjects, how the hell am I supposed to prove that I can deal with an EXTRA subject?

Okay. It's going to be fine, right? I just need to pray. A lot.

This is also the point where I say I think I take on wayy too much.

Before the YEAR is over, I need to worry about a lot of things.
- TOOP to Yunnan (Previously Cambodia)
- Camp Seven: Survivor!
- A (maybe) performance for Feast Day by the Acapella team.
- My Promos (oh right...)
- Project Work :(

It's a lot. A LOT. I should stop saying yes to everything. I think God didn't want me to die, and so he made sure I couldn't find the Conversational Malay class when I was supposed to take the class. If I DID find the class, I would have been fully packed from monday to friday. (This was before PDPs were suspended.)

I don't think it's only church? (Though everyone seems to think I'm saying yes to too much stuff in church too) I think it's just this thing, I NEED to have something to do. I don't know why, but I just can't be one of those people who get to go home straight after school everyday to study. I mean, I would love to do that, but I can't bring myself to. It just makes it seeem like I have no life. Like my world is revolved around my studies. Which is SUPPOSED to be what it is, I guess.. But maybe I just don't want to do that. I WANT to fill myself with stuff.

Which, again, is NOT good. Because I get very confused, and tired, and I already have too much in my mind for me to take on anymore. I may actually burn out soon.

I mean, it seemed so easy in Secondary School.. But i can't continuue doing that right? JC's a completely different ball game. And I don't want to risk not doing well for my A'levels because of all the excess things I do on the side. It's too 'wasted'.

Anyway, I should just start breathing, and learn to maybe say 'no' to some things.

You know what? I actually miss the Daffodils. I miss gossiping during lecture week. I want to lunch with them next Wednesday and catch up on all the crazy things.

And I miss conversations with Dione. Cuz' she always managed to make me feel better. Even on the stupidest things. (OR point out how stupid those things were.)

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

Technically, it's 12.30 in the morning. But the 'night' is still young, no?

I just had camp meeting with Bernie and Pete.. and well, that was pretty much the highlight of the day..

I rewatched Hana Yuri Dango. Yeah, I WAS trying to study in between japanese phrases? But it doesn't work that way. I know. :(

Oddly, people keep asking me about my future today. (When I say 'people', I mean my second brother and Bernie.)

I either wanna pursue a career in Law or Politics. And yes, I realise that those careers have NOTHING to do with WHATEVER I'm studying in JC now. Which suck a little, but I dunno. I think it's still cool to 'know' these things, you know?

IF I can remember them well enough for promos. :((

I'm going to make this short. I have to get up early tml to do project work. Which is blood-sucking and murderous. (But I love the people I'm doing it with! Yes, Janice, you'll probably read this. HAHA.)

You know what? I don't like it when people take more than a DAY to answer my messages. It's just SO rude, no?

And we shake, shake, shake the hips in relationships.

I was having a pretty nice talk with Joan. Like, our usual bantering online. (Before her internet screws up and she keeps disconnecting from MSN.)

And well, she got me thinking. I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

At first, I thought I could just let things happen, it didn't really matter. Like, how the others turned out. But this is different. If I do something very simple, it could bring about a WHOLE bout of implications. I'm talking, a LOT of consequences I don't even wanna mention.

And I'm already at a point where I do think I should make a choice. Do I move on? I mean, things become pretty complicated after this, I think. It's like, either I get even more sick of what is happening, or I do what Joan says, and make a choice. Now.

Oh man.. when did this turn into some korean soap drama?

I imagine what I used to do to try to turn things around, and I laugh. Because they seem stupid, and naive and childish.

Really. It's pretty hilarious.


No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this - Desert Rose by Sting

Try again or walk away

I'm going to study. Really.

You know? Recently, I keep thinking of my superman. (This is what Chuck coined as my crush.)

It's funny really. How much I want it to happen? But knowing that nothing will ever happen anyway.

Plot it out in black and white.

"And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me. Though I carried karats for everyone to see. And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies."
Golden - Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High

I was watching Angels and Demons just now. It was okay, I guess. The thing about movies is that.. they're fun to watch, but there're rarely any movies I watch more than once. (Or rather, ones that I'm WILLING to watch more than once.) It's just that, my imagination is rather wild. Books just give me that much of an edge to imagine the entire scene, and not just have it plonked in front of my eyes yelling, 'Hey! It's ALL here. Just look.'

People who think the movie was awesome, good for you. Honestly. I have no qualms about it. It's just what I prefer. I absolutely ADORED the book, btw. Dan Brown may not be the best guy I turn to for my religious needs, but BOY can he write. I've read his book twice, and if not for the fact that my brother borrowed it and my exams are fast approaching, I'd read it again. And again.

Right now, Chuck is my only reader. I think. Haha! Hey Chuck! *waves frantically.*

Yes, I should give this a bit more time. Anyway, it doesn't matter. If Chuck's the only one that's gonna be updated on my happenings, then good for him! :D

I woke up at 7 today to go for math class. It wasn't a complete waste of time.. Mr. Ng actually got me 'inspired' to do my tutorials. I'm now somewhat at 22. (Just a day ago, I was hovering along 20.) Which is good, I guess. I mean, I honestly SHOULD be doing more.. But at least I started on something.

Again, I was supposed to file my notes and prepare for the exams.. And I was supposed to do that while watching Angels and Demons. However, I didn't. There's no excuse really. Bottom line is, I didn't clear out my haphazardly-placed notes and now, I have to waste time to do it. I'll probably do it on saturday though, cuz' if I leave it for these few days, I never get any studying done.

Basically, life for me seems so dreamy I could pinch myself and it probably wouldn't hurt. (If anyone reads this and PINCHES me as a result... You watch out.)

I'm not saying it has been a fantasy.. Just that it HAS been rather surreal.. Hmm.

Anyway, I had a dream about a VERY unexpected person last night. That guy happens to be in my band. Apparently, he moved near my house.. And (honestly, I can't remember much.) he was being RATHER annoying. Like, I remember my parents scolding me.. and him being there. Should I assume he had something to do with it? Lol.

I won't name names unless you ask me personally. It's unimportant anyway, just an odd dream.. What's even more odd is the fact that this is the SECOND time I've dreamt of him. It's honestly VERY random. Especially since I rarely see him around school anyway. (Maybe this is the spirits' way of saying I'm not seeing him enough. HAHA.)

And there's my 8 days magazine staring right at me. Just smiling. (Well, actually, there's a picture of the grumpy old man from 'Up' on it.)

So I shall read it.

Until then,

Does it look like I'm back?

Okay. First of all, I DID tell you the last post was gonna be the LAST for a VERY long time.

And a very long time it has been.

I told Chuck I was gonna revive my blog. Or try to at least... and this couldn't have been a MORE stupid time to do it.

I mean, I have promos coming up in a month.. And blogger's all weird, so this is coming out REALLY odd... PLUS I'm supposed to be doing work now and I'm not.

*****

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'll take this slow.. I know having a blog never works out, so if this dies again, it dies. No big deal. Then maybe in a year, I'll revive it again. Again, what's the difference, right?

After reading some of my old posts, you really can't believe how much I've grown up. All those stupid things I've said or done. Silly, really. Makes me laugh now that I think about it.

I'm in Temasek JC now.. (I just read a post about how I couldn't believe I had 'finished a year in TKG'. Well...)

I have new friends, and I'm still very much in contact with the old ones. Facebook is how I get my updates, as with mostly everyone else..

I'm just trying to survive as of now..

Last December, I had a revelation that made my head spin. I was thinking it through and it didn't seem possible that such a thing could happen.

But it did.

And now I'm living in a world with half-fantasies, half-reality. You know? The kind of world that bring you from each realm by hitting you hard in the face so you fall on your back and think, 'Oh right. Okay. switching time.'

Okay, I'm sure you wanna know what happened. I won't beat about the bush.

I like someone.

Yeah, wow. Big deal, huh. I'm 17, totally out-of-this-world that I have a crush.

Only it may not even BE a crush. Which is quite confusing.. because it's hard to say what it is, right? I mean, there's no definite 'Okay, dear. THIS is love.. THISSSS *points to second person* is just infatuation. And THISS *points to teddy bear* is just stupid.

I'm not saying it's 'love' either. Seriously? You don't just do that. All I'm saying is that... This one feels different. OR maybe ALL the ones felt different in ways that I can't comprehend. And this is all a complete ploy to waste my precious emotional resources.

At this point, I can't even confirm that I am indeed making sense.

All I'm saying is that it's crazy how sometimes, you wanna hug and kick a person away. AT THE SAME TIME.

Can you imagine that scenerio? It'd be something out of one of the episodes of 'jackass'.

It's one big emotional cycle that I don't ever want to TRY and figure out.

It's just life, I guess.

***

Well, this was refreshing. Honestly. All my thoughts spilling out on digital canvas. I mean, I know how sometimes, even Joan can get a bit sick listening to my nonsense? She'll say that's untrue. But even I would get sick of me..

I love her though. And my darlings. I don't ever wanna lose them.

LEAVING YOU WITH.. FOOTBALL.

I know I haven't posted in centuries, but with the O'levels eating my brain and all, I'm just gonna say that this will be the last post for a very long time.

So this is saying bye bye, with my favourite team EVER. PORTUGAL.

They played so well so far in Euro 2008. I think, whether they manage to clinch the championship or not, they deserve LOTS of acknowledgement. (:

The team:

Cristiano Ronaldo may be the star, but Deco is still my favourite. (: (I also like Ricardo, Nuno Gomes and Pepe. haha!)

And of course, who could forget their wonderful coach (he's heading for CHELSEA??), Felipe Scolari!

Be smart, support Portugal. ((:

Haiz.

Sure, why not? Everyone else thinks so. This just adds icing to the cake. I guess I should not be surprised. Oh well, I think I feel quite emotionless now.

When I said I hope I never get hurt. Well, screw that now, huh.

Just thought I could have something real for a change, is all.

Sigh.

Oh look, ma, a peanut!

Is it okay to sigh over and over and over again in tremedous happiness?

My mood went from absolutely over the moon.. to indifference.. to some sadness (and a bit of jealousy) to wonderful bliss again.

I really don't know.. the last time this happened, i kinda got hurt quite badly.. of course no one really knows the whole story..

Anyway, I'm so over that.. and i'm so glad this happened. Hopefully, I made the right choice this time!

To those who know what I'm talking about, I'm really glad I told you guys, cuz the last time was painful and oh-so-lonely. Now, I have shoulders to cry on! (: (Although I hope I never have to use those shoulders.)

Oh, I really hope something happens. I really do.

My Con4 Camp Experience: A letter to the YC

Hey guys! I feel the need to share my POV! (point-of-view.) Since I'm one of the two teens in the YC that were also part of the teens in the camp. (Erm.. did that make sense? I seem to make no sense with my words sometimes.. btw.. what does Y-CIA or YC CIA stand for?)

Anyway, I honestly felt really indifferent towards camp. This was mainly because I don't exactly like the Saturday teachers and Andrew and Manny kept stressing that the YC could only help out and not organise the camp and i didn't know to what extent the helping out would be and whether camp would be fun or just like the YISS sessions.. well, you get my point.So yeah.. the period of which we were on the bus almost reaching Choice Retreat Centre, Steph (i THINK..) said 'We're gonna give you guys numbers now so remember them.' and i was thinking 'oh crap.' So fantastically smart us decided to split ourselves with the other clique so they would HOPEFULLY number us in the same group. of course who knew there were supposed to be 14 groups. (at point.. i kinda wonder why since there were like.. 60 of us only.)

And when in the lunchroom, the only reason why it was hard for you guys to get us settled was because EVERYONE was trying to find a way to exchange numbers.. group numbers.. not handphone ones... (there! i admitted it! i was in a way, guilty as well. ): ) Okay, here's the reason why. (if you haven't guessed yet.) The Sunday girls (yes, nat, belle and i included.. surprise surprise.) are the loud, opinionated 'TOO-DAMN-enthu' group. The Saturday girls are the KC, bimbo, boy-crazy ones. And the boys.. well, i don't really know what their problem is.. maybe they don't have one. So we (the girls, mostly) were afraid of mixing. It was like mixing pepper with ice-cream. Dangerous.

So anyway, in the end, the groups were still all confused up. (I promise that I was really trying to be cooperative because I saw how Sharon and Steph were very upset and I felt truly bad.) And I was in the group with Sam Chan and a couple of the saturday girls. We were supposed to be grouped up with the saturday boys but they ran off somewhere. Lunch I feared. I somewhat knew Amelia (manny's cousin) from Camp Incredible, but still...Anyway, it turned out much better than I expected. our group really clicked, even breaking out into laughter which was NOT what i expected. I even somewhat found cleaning up fun because we ALL did the dishes together and were quite icked at the digusting oily dishes in the sink.

OKAY, moving on... the first session was quite alright. The songs got stuck in my head for a while and we kept singing 'I am a C' in the shower. The group sharing was alright too.. my group shared quite a bit.. there were awkward moments of silence but it was short and few, thankfully.The adoration of the Lord was the best part. I don't know why, but I love that feeling when Jesus seems to be smiling at you and his presence just seems so obviously there. Okay, I know why. Anyway, I remember the time I experienced that in Camp Incredible, I cried. This time, I just felt very peaceful. And a little happy. (but not so much so like Liana.) We ended off playing games with the boys. The only reason that happened was because we got to know them more in our groups, so actually, it was Steph and Sharon who kinda gave that little push. (clap clap clap.)

It was really fun hitting people and screaming names. You should try it. And we ended the day off feeling really happy and not a bit regretting our decision to come here.

The second day was much better, as you guys have mentioned. I think we really settled down both in camp and in our groups. The session felt less draggy and more interactive, the people felt more easy-going and less 'emo-like'. The session after lunch, when Francis started to talk about our parents, it was really intense for some people. I remember feeling quite happy about my parents, and couldn't really grasp that others did not feel the same way. When alot of people started crying, I started to wonder if I was lacking something.. (kinda like Francis yearning for that holy spirit feeling.)

Anyway, the praying over made those troubles slip away and I felt peaceful again. Just before we were supposed to get ready for mass, the whacko group (i mean the game.. not the characteristic) found someone's itinerary paper.(Trust me, I felt really bad because Manny had said we were not supposed to look at it when we had asked him before.) So that's why a lot of people weren't surprised when our parents showed up.

After mass and all that, francis made us build the bridge over the sunday, saturday nonsense. I went over to some quiet girls in the saturday class that i merely exchanged pleasantries with before. Then, Pete kinda knocked some sense into us. Which i felt was totally true AND needed. I mean, some of the girls were still reluctant to move and even though I felt quite upset that they were being too stubborn, I guess in a way, I still have that prejudice in me. (A built-up feeling of 3 years takes more than 3 days to brush away, sorry.)

After all, I guess we're all still his children. And even though things might stay the way it was before camp, camp would never be forgotten.I think i may have kinda went overboard there with all them words.. So i shall sum it up. EVERYONE will totally agree with me when I say that no one regrets the YC helping out. (the extent of which is about maybe 80 to 90%?) I guess even though I've been with the YC for like.. less then 2 months, I thought I had seen all there was to see about the group.

But when I saw Aloy kinda getting mad on the first day then telling us we were the best group he facil-ed in a while, and when I saw Steph and Sharon for the first time getting stressed up and STILL persevered on with helping us, and Pete's speech that had everyone feeling super ashamed of themselves (yours truly, included.) I guess I know now that there's more to the YC. I SO don't regret joining super too early. and I SOO hope there's more to come.

You've been Whacko-ed by,
Steph Michelle.

BACK not for good.

I know, I know.. i haven't posted in a VERY long time. Like, extremely. Thing is, I was too lazy.. plus.. it's quite annoying sometimes to write things on a computer.. OKAY, i was just lazy.


Anyway, the best thing happening so far was Confirmation camp.. of which i shall post my email to the YC later. Right now, it's rant time.

Honestly, my stomach is aching, and it's not because of the prata i had for lunch. Someone (let's call her K) told me something today that I just ran through in the shower and thoroughly processed. Result: Conufsion spreading through my entire body like wildfire.

Truth to be told, I wanted to talk to someone about this.. but my options were clearly limited, and option number 1, joan, was not yet back home. Other options seemed too.. I don't know how to describe it.. not enough? not understanding enough? I really didn't know who to talk to.. so i decided to put it on my blog. Okay.. NOT the best decision in my life, but i've made worse.

Anyway, since it's going international, i'm thinking I have to be VERY vague, which in my case is NOT the best solution because my insides are figuratively rotting and DYING from upset.

So here's the BIG question: What if things change? What if somethings happen and everyone just moves away from each other? I thought this was the best time of my life, but clearly, it's not going very well, as planned. I mean, I JUST figured out the WHOLE scheme of things recently after MUCH thought and planning, and then THIS happens?? What the HELL am i? A DRAMA case??

I really hate this. Truly and honestly. Thing is, I don't blame her. But she just messed up something in my life. She practically took my guts, pulled them out and starting grinding them into little pieces. She didn't mean it, trust me. But I can't help what I feel.

What can I do now? I really didn't know how to react at first. What was I supposed to do.. What COULD i say that would seem to console the both of us? I didn't do much. And even though I forgot the most part somewhat during the day, it came squiggling its stupid way back into my head. And TADAH!

Right now? I feel so confused. Utterly and desperately with some dumb cherry on the top. My mind is a muddle, I feel EXTREMELY lousy, and I want to cry.

But I can't, because I have tuition in an hour and I don't want my NEW teacher thinking I'm an idiot for puffy eyes and a blocked nose.

I can't concentrate on anymore, I can't take it for now. I REALLY need someone to talk to.

My heart is full of mixed emotions, I feel so sick I could throw up.

Why is this affecting me so much?

How the hell am I supposed to concentrate on my O'levels with this stupid thing twirling its way through my system?

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME??!! I will always hate you for that.