And with every step together.

I was SOOO weak and dead after math tuition. One week without tuition, and I thought it would be okay? But it's NOT. And I was DYING.. And ALL the calculus FLYING around my head, I made so many careless mistakes in my work, and after like, 1.5 hours, I couldn't even think anymore. And I would just look at my teacher helplessly. And he would try to help? But after that, I was just looking at him blankly, and he would say, 'Yes. This simply works like that, if you get what I'm talking about." And I would groan softly. And you could almost see the pity in his expression, but he kept pressing on.. And when he left, I wanted to celebrate my freedom from my MIND, but then I had to rush and get changed and prepare to go to church.

-

Yesterday, seeing my mother in such a distressed state, I wanted to weep with her. Her muffled sobs as her tears stained the front of my shirt were so disheartening, I didn't know why I didn't break down and cry as she did. I wanted to. I almost did. I think the Lord needed me to be strong for her though. I managed to keep my cool. My voice didn't even crack. I just kept soothing her back and assuring her that everything would be alright. I smiled, hugged her, let her pour out her sorrows, and I didn't even allow a tear to fall. I wonder how I got all that courage. All that bravery and resistance. Even now, as I recount those few moments, tears are threatening to burst. I know that as of now, my throat is closed-up. But I'm not gonna cry. I don't know why, but I can't. Maybe not now.. maybe when I have the privacy of my four walls to keep me from the rest of the world. Maybe then, I'll let the tears fall.

What surprised me was that I would never have been able to last long before. My mother's tears were always my breaking point. I could never have dry eyes when hers were wet with sorrow. When she cried, my throat would close-up and my eyes would feel searing hot. I couldn't stand it. My mother was my pillar. When she broke, how could I, leaning on her with my every breath, not fall as well? And yet, this time, I was her strength. I was her comfort. I remember all the times she had to gather me in her arms, even now, and hush me when my sadness overwhelmed me.

When I had to do it for her, I found the strength from the Lord to do the same. I quietly gathered her in my arms and told her everything was going to be alright. I even did what she would do when I used to sulk. She would give me snacks, or something sweet, and bring me to do something fun Something that would take my mind off things. This time, I watched a DVD with her in my room. The screen may have been small, and my mum may not have gotten all the 'laughs' she needed, but I knew she felt a whole lot better. Because I did.

-

Today marked the end of YFP. And it was a cute occasion mixed with laughter. (Except for the part where a DISGUSTING cockroach fell from the air-con vent and I screamed to high heavens and they laughed at me. :( )
However, there was this thing... It kept coming back to me. Like an annoying fly that keeps smacking you at the back of your neck. I was a little bit annoyed. And a little upset. But you know, I guess things don't always turn out the way you want, huh.

-

You know what? School starts in 2 days. Shit.