That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again.

I was reading a blog post I did at the end of 2009. It was a list of major events that had happened in my life that year. Some were nice, some not so. All of them I could at least vaguely recall.

For a split second, I contemplate doing the same this year. However, I can't even begin to consolidate everything that has happened to me this year. Plus, some of the things that have happened (that were major) are things that I don't even want to acknowledge happened to me on this blog.

It has been a very long year indeed. The longest I can remember by far. It's hard to believe that certain events only happened last year when it seems like it was an eternity ago that they happened. Like me going to Australia with Tiara and Annabelle. I can't believe we did that in the summer of 2011. I swear, it happened so long ago, I can barely register it in my memory.

In any case, I am both sad and glad to see this year end. It's been fun, horrible, amazing, and miserable all at once.

It would be interesting to see what the new year brings along with it.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to my two wonderful amazing girlfriends in the UK, Rebs and Shan. It's hard to imagine how my life in the UK would have been if not for them. For all the major events in my life this year, they were there. Making sure I wasn't about to crumble, or enjoying the happiness and good fortune along with me. I trust them completely and would do almost anything for them.

For the two special, amazing good friends of mine, I want them to know that I love and miss them very much and will be waiting to start the new year with them in Manchester.

xxx

My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can.

Okay. So... I think I'm done trying to seek the right one.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, or angry, or miserable.

I'm actually feeling pretty alright. Well, a little tired but that's because I've been waking up at stupid hours in the morning because my body hates me.

I just think I should just wait for him to come to me. I'm gonna just sit here and wait.

So yeah. Need to sort out more important things in my life anyway. And I'm a bit sianzz of guys going 'oh I really like you' when they barely know me. Like, really ah? You like me ah? Wow. You must know me so well from my Facebook profile and a couple of chats. Congratulations.

Okay, I rarely use Singlish in my blog. So you know how tired I feel.

Anyway, if I'm being honest, I don't really know what I want.

I still don't know if I should give M another chance although to be fair that's not really an issue that's very pressing. Just one of those things at the back of my mind.

Also, I'm very hungry. That's a more pressing issue.

In other news, I can't help but feel very sorry for J. To the extend of wanting to check in with him. But I can't see how that would end well if at all so I'm stopping myself.

I still think he's an ass that fucks up everything good going for him because he feels like he is entitled to all these things. But no one should have a crappy Christmas. I do love Christmas so it's sad when I learn that someone I know isn't having a good Christmas. I love Christmas because, despite all the money pumped into gifts and such, there's still a magical spirit in the air that affects (most) everyone.

So to hear that he's really upset is quite pitiful.

If I knew that he wouldn't be anything but nice at least, I would drop him a message just asking him how he is. But he would probably just get all mad and ask me why I bother, blah blah blah.

Well, in any case, I wish whoever is reading this a very Merry Christmas. Hope yours is and was amazing and fantastic!

xxx

I think I maybe think too much

Christmas with my family is always a fun affair. I had a lot of fun mingling with my relatives and playing with the little kids. It's really nice to be back home for the holidays. No matter how much I complain about my family, I do still love them very much.

M messaged me today. And he asked me if we could start things again. I said yes.

I don't know if that was the right choice, to be honest.

I like Mally. I do. He's really sweet and a real gentleman.

But I feel like things between M and I are unfinished. I mean, so far he hasn't really shown that he's all that interested in me. After blowing me off for the umpteenth time, he only gave a very flurried text explaining that he overslept and after that, no contact. And yet, today he messaged me saying that he misses me.

If he really was interested, he would've checked in and asked if I was alright. Or even if I was angry. But he didn't.

Should I even bother giving him another chance?

What about Mally? I like him and I really want to see where things go with him.

Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of some soap drama?

I'm sorry I don't understand where all this is coming from

Different country, different problems.

Over in the UK, my life is carefree but it can get lonely. Over here, I'm surrounded by family but there are times when I feel like pulling the roots of my hair out and manufacturing a plane with the cuticles so I can fly home.

My mum told me specifically to get my birthday cakes from this particular bakery. I just assumed that price-wise, she was going to be okay with it. How the fuck am I supposed to know the standard rate of the price of cake?! As if I keep up with the fluctuating prices of baked goods. YEAH, I'M SURE EVERYONE DOES THAT, RIGHT.

It cost $42 per kilo of cake. Apparently, the standard price is $35. OH WOW. I'M SOOO SORRY I didn't know that I was overpaying by a few dollars. And my brother decided to chip in with a helpful 'so if it cost $2000 you would pay for it?' WOW. YEAH, I AM *THAT* STUPID.

It's times like this I don't mind packing everything here and moving permanently to the UK. Sure, I'll miss my family once in a while but we will have better relations if I am very, very far away from them.

Fuck this, man. I don't need this shit. I don't know why my mother is paying over a thousand dollars for me to come home so she can yell at me.

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

I am gonna sound like a completely spoilt bitch.

I was SOO happy when my maid came to my place today and cleaned up my room. And everything's so neat and clean!

You see, what happened was, my maid is now my brother's maid, helping to take care of little Emily (my very very adorable niece.)

And she came over today primarily to help my mum cook for our Christmas party. But she also cleaned the house in general, including my room.

The difference between having a maid and not having one is SO VAST.

Alright. I'm done sounding like a little princess.

I'm so spoilt it's not even funny. :(

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

This has been an amazing few days.

I'm extremely happy to be leaving Manchester on this note.

On Monday, Mally came over for dinner and I cooked up Lasagna for him. After which, we enjoyed an evening cuddling on the couch listening to different kinds of jazz music. I even made him watch breaking bad. :D

On Tuesday, Pei Shan and I had a wonderful dinner at Australasia (and the darling was sweet enough to treat me!) The waiters serving me were SO HOT. I swear, they are really picky with the male staff that they hire at that restaurant because they are all so yumz.

Anyway, hot waiters aside, Mally then came over again in the evening. He taught me how to enjoy a 'Tim Tam Slam' with a Penguin biscuit and hot Milo. And we spent the rest of the evening cuddling on the couch talking about nothing and everything.

And then I gave him his first proper kiss.

At first I didn't know what to think that I was seeing someone who had less experience than me sexually. Considering I seem to exclusively date English men and they all seem to be horny bastards, it was a bit of a change to be dating someone whom I had to 'coach' how to kiss.

After thinking for a bit, I realised that it was a very refreshing change. He is actually very different from the other men I've dated. And it's not even just something a guy says when trying to chase you. He is so smart, so mature, has his head screwed on right, treats me proper, and is just so very sweet.

He bought me the Penguin biscuits and hot chocolate as a surprise.

I don't feel any extreme ups or downs with him. It's so nice to just feel good hanging out with him.

I guess I'm just looking forward to getting to know him more when I get back. :)

Also, I really need to buckle down and study a lot.

I had a lot of fun Manchester, and I'll see you next year. :)

P.S. This has been my 440th post on my blog. My life story and ramblings over 7 years all collated into one website. :')

Birds singing in the sycamore tree

This year, I'll be in sunny Singapore spending Christmas with my family.

I've had so much to be thankful for this Christmas, and more to regret. But Christmas means that I get to wipe the slate clean and start the new year afresh!

Last Tuesday, I fell out with someone that I thought could be considered a good friend. Turns out he was someone that did not deserve whatever little kindness I bestowed on him.

Then M said he wanted to come visit. Of course, once bitten, twice shy. I wasn't going to be stupid to assume he was actually coming. And of course, he didn't show up. Again, I realised that he wasn't worth any of my attention.

You would think that after all that I would be a bitter gourd at Christmas. However, I have had the most wonderful two days.

Yesterday, I had breakfast with Mal and we ended up spending the day together. We went to the Manchester Art Gallery and then just took a walk around Manchester.

This morning, we had breakfast at Patisserie Valerie and went to see the Museum of Science and Industry.

I think he's an amazing friend. He's extremely smart and loves the boring stuff that I love.

I don't know if there might be something more to this. He's really sweet and seems keen on me. But I'm afraid that I don't come across as very smart, or very mature.

Things I never thought I had to worry about before. (LOL. The irony!)

Well, in any case, it has been a good weekend and I'm happy to be leaving Manchester knowing that there is a lot more here in store for me when I get back.

This is a beautiful city with a lot of hidden treasures just waiting for me to explore. :)

And then you take it away

I feel like if anyone were to read my blog, they'd think I was a depressed individual on the verge of suicide.

Perhaps sometimes they would not be that far off. Sometimes life gives you lemons but you just can't be fucked to make lemonade.

I had written a very long post about getting my heart broken, again, for the umpteenth time.

Then I decided to fuck it and went to get a shower.

Then I realised what was most important.

I'm not here to get love.

I'm here for me. I'm here to get a good degree, to enjoy myself and live life to the fullest.

I'm here to get everything out of my system.

I'm here to fuck it all and be me. Love me.

I'm gonna concentrate on my studies now, for my exams are coming up.

Perhaps it's a good sign that I can't get into a relationship right now.

Perhaps I need the reminder that I have to focus on this. On me.

I come first.

I always come first.

I love my shower. :D

She yaks like summer and walks like rain

When you're in a relationship with someone, there are good times and bad times. And because you care a lot for the other person, those good and bad times are multiplied ten-fold. Good times are amazing, bad times are depressingly horrible.

Right now, I'm experiencing a good time.

M's coming tomorrow (finally) and I could not be more thrilled.

And I get him for a whole three days. :)

He'll get to meet my friends, which is fantastic, and he'll get to see me drunk. Which isn't that great. :(

On a side note, I also got my money back, AND J actually apologised out of the blue today.

So, I suppose I've had a pretty good day.

Would've been better if I actually bothered to do my essay though.

=/

Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to

I don't know if I prefer being single or dating someone.

So many ups and downs, it's not even funny.

I don't think I have a lot of expectations though.. Do I?

Thinking back, thinking of you

And all is right with the world again. :)

It was amazing listening to his voice again. And his laugh.

I really can't wait to see him again. To be honest I don't know when we can meet again, but I'm sure it'll be soon.

You made me feel like the one.

Breathing in snowflakes

Okay. I really shouldn't be mad at him.

Because he really didn't do anything wrong. All he did was work too much and fall dead asleep as a result.

So really, it's not like he's leading me on, or doing this on purpose in any way.

Okay. I need to relax, take a deep breath, and try again.

I think he'd be worth it. But again, we'll just see.

No point putting so much pressure on something that may or may not happen.

I just hope this won't be a recurring thing.

I miss just talking to him.

I miss him cuddling me.

I think I'm sick of being lonely.

There's no one to look forward to seeing when I return home tired at the end of the day.

Why the fuck am I being so emotional about this?!

Fuck you, hormones.

Stop crying your heart out

I think I'm more calm now.

I say that with a hint of mild emotional blockage, really.

This week, I had battles with two friends, both of which I don't even know if I even consider friends anymore, for that matter. I also had a horrible episode with a sudden fever.

Today, I broke down because a date got cancelled, my body suddenly broke out into rashes due to an unknown allergy, one of which up till now I have no knowledge of, and my washing has mostly turned pink due to an ill-placed purple pair of jeans.

All in all, I'd say it wasn't the best of weeks. But I suppose, for the most part, it could have gone even worse.

Sometimes I need to sit down and remember how lucky I am, still. Sure, shit comes and goes. It rains heavily on you one moment, and then the sun comes up, and all is well. In the end, I have my health, my family, my friends, and I'm living life up (I'd take that phrase with a pinch of salt) in Manchester.

I'd like to think the real reason why I get so emotional is because there doesn't seem to be an outlet for me for that. I'm sorry, but I'm a girl. I get emotional sometimes. But lately, perhaps there hasn't been much to get emotional over. So perhaps when an actual reason comes, no matter how small, my heart grabs hold of it and milks it for all its worth.

Okay, that was probably the funniest load of bullshit ever, really.

In reality, there's really no reason why I should have been so upset.

My very wise, amazing friends have always given me good advice, some of which I honestly should start following.

I should start focusing on myself. And even if I'm still dating around, I shouldn't put all my effort into it until I'm sure it's something worth putting effort in. And sometimes, it's okay to be a little selfish, as long as there is a greater good to be served.

Hmmm.

In any case, I've been listening to a lot of Oasis lately. They calm the nerves. :)

"Cos all of the stars

Are fading away

Just try not to worry

You'll see them some day

Take what you need

And be on your way

And stop crying your heart out"

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

Guess I was right. As paranoid and as crazy and insane as I was... I was right.

So now what?

I don't know.

I'm sick of this. Just... getting hurt...

I wrote this in my blog last week or so. And then M and T came along.

And now, again, I have no one.

I have no one.

I'll probably always have no one.

Maybe it's just because I can't accept that.

That's why I put myself out there all the fucking time.

So.

What happens now?

I really don't know.

I suppose, for all intents and purposes... I am really, truly alone in this world.

Slip inside the eye of your mind

I really do need to slap myself silly.

I need to stop being so impatient and paranoid.

But it is SOOO much harder than I think.

----

In any case, I had a good night out.

It was nice hanging out with friends, getting to know new people, and just chilling.

Half of me wants tomorrow to come quicker.

Half of me doesn't.

Okay, Steph. LOW Expectations. LOW expectations.

So far, back in the dating scene, it hasn't been much of anything to comment on.

So, slow and steady, and maybe when you're truly ready, it'll happen.

All in God's grace.

Speaking of which, I really do miss God.

I need to find him and hug him proper.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

It's horrible to be sick.

My body aches and I feel like drowning.

Also, I get this feeling of complete uselessness.

Okay, lately my studies have not been the top priority.

I seriously need to pull up my socks, slap myself awake and concentrate more.

Before that though, I need to get better, and fast, because I really want to see M this Saturday.

I swear I'm trying not to fall in as quickly as I have before.

But it's hard, I suppose.

For one thing, if you know anything about me, you'd know that it's what I do. When I feel a connection, I fall deep, quick and hard.

I'm trying to hold back my feelings and tread about this slowly and carefully.

Trying to seize up what I'm dealing with here as opposed to jumping straight in.

So why do I like M?

Well, firstly, I like that he has a group of lads that he's very close to and would do anything for. It reminds me of my group of darlings back home. The group of best friends that I'd do anything for. That I love with my life. That're like family.

Secondly, I love that he has the firm mentality that the man should always be the one to provide. Although my mum had been the breadwinner of the family for most of my life, I know it kills my dad inside that he is unable to provide. Although I believe that as a woman, I should always be financially independent, I'm traditional in the mindset that the man should be the breadwinner in the household.

And of course, he's really cute, very smart and quite mature at times (except when he's being childish. Which can be quite cute at times, and quite annoying at others).

There're a lot more reasons why I like him but it's probably too many to type out.

I guess right now, I'm happy. Okay, not right now, because I'm just feeling depressed from being sick.

P.S. Hilarious that I'm only getting minimal page views from my home country but like more than half of the total views come from the United Kingdom and the United States. Would be nice if my readers could just give me a shout out. :)

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes'. (20 Things #1)

I've been rather active on my blog lately. I've decided to write down 20 things about me. Some are well-known facts, some aren't. In a few weeks/months/years, we'll see what has changed. (And perhaps I'll do another one in the future just for the fun of it.)

1. I have a third name which I chose for my confirmation. In all honesty, I didn't have to choose one, but all of my friends chose one so I decided, 'why not?' The name is Anne. (So essentially my full name is Stephanie Michelle Anne de Souza.)
2. I have a stuffed dog named 'Baby'. My mum found her at a bus stop when I was 11 and she's been my favourite stuffed toy since.
3. Baby has been to many countries with me. These include, but are not limited to, China, Japan, Taiwan, and the United Kingdom.
4. I have six best friends. 5 of them girls. Most subscribe to the view that you can only have one best friend (hence the word 'best'). But you know what I say to those people? Fuck off.
5. I'm engaged to one of my best friends on Facebook. We made that agreement when we were 16 and sick of guys. We have plans to settle down together and get a civil partnership if we don't find love by 40.
6. I've never had a serious relationship that lasted for more than a month.
7. I had a crush on an older female schoolmate when I was 13. She was my mentor and very 'butch' and I was so confused as a result.
8. I'm swearing off Dominos pizza until the end of this year. This started at the start of the summer and I haven't broken my personal oath thus far.
9. I have plenty of good friends. Some are closer than others, but all are treasured dearly.
10. I still can't believe my oldest brother has a child. Only because he will always be my annoying, childish older brother who can't stop pissing me off.
11. I cannot stand cockroaches. I can face lizards, most other incests, zombies, and the imminence of World War 3. But if you put a (dead or live) cockroach in front of me, I will run away screaming bloody murder.
12. If you EVER attempt to try number 11, I will bitch slap you so hard, your descendants will all be born with a hand-shaped print on their faces.
13. Candy makes me happy. You could make me upset, and give me cotton candy or some sweets, and I'll be cheerful again. (Please do not abuse this power.)
14. I have a slight dent near my eye from when I picked at my chicken pox as a kid.
15. I was one of those boy-band crazy little girls. I used to love Westlife, the Backstreet Boys, and N*Sync. I suppose I can pass no judgement on the kids in love with Justin Bieber and One Direction.
16. My favourite drink right now is Southern Comfort mixed with Coke.
17. I recently splurged on Gucci perfume because I thought I deserved a little treat (although the reason why varies every five minutes.)
18. I can't seem to be attracted to anyone other than Caucasians. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
19. I'm stupidly proud of the fact that I got Facebook ahead of most of my peers. (In late 2007.) When I got it, I could only find about 40 (or less) friends because no one else really had it then.
20. I am still largely undecided on whether I'd want to stay in the UK after my law degree. Something tells me I'd be basing that decision slightly on whether I get into a serious relationship during my undergraduate studies.

xxx

We put them right in our path when we just want to be free.

I don't know what brought on the sudden upsurge of views, but I suppose for the most part I shan't complain.

So anyway, I had my date with M yesterday. And I'm having my date with T tomorrow.

I wonder at which point in my life I became attractive enough to actually be able to 'hook' two guys at once.

I'm honestly not trying to be smug, or cocky, or show off my slag-like skills.

It's just that, it's still a bit of a shock to me that I'm actually seeing two guys at the same time.

It's hard to process, really.

Perhaps, psychologically speaking, I'm still the same ugly, fat girl inside. The one that was big and tall and looked like a giant next to every single boy.

Such low self-esteem.

And now I actually get to choose. Like, I could literally do an eeny-meeny-mynie-mo. Of course, I'm not going to.

Oh gosh, it *does* sound like I'm lording this around.

"Oh woe is me! Two girls are in love with me! My wallet's too small for my 50's and my diamond shoes are too tight for my feet!" (Chandler, Friends.)

Yeah okay. I honestly don't know who's reading this. My stats show that a lot of views are coming in from Facebook and Google.

Anyway, because it seems like my blog is getting more and more attention, I shall strive to be more vague and less specific.

Right. Well, whoever is reading this, I wish you a pleasant day. And also, cheese is good for you, but not so much, okay?

We've got the dreamers disease

Okay. My love life right now seems like it's fluctuating up and down, up and down.

Right now?

OMG I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I may actually have to choose between two lads.

TWO. Wtf right? 2 years ago, I would've grovelled for a decent-looking guy to even wink at me.

And now this.

Well, to be fair, I may not have to make the decision. Perhaps either (or both) of the guys will decide in the end that they don't want to be with me.

And do they know the places where we go when we're grey and old?

Okay, I'm done.

I'm tired of being used as something you can wipe down and throw away.

I'm tired of putting my heart out there.

Every time I do that, it backfires in my face.

Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

I'm a human girl with emotions.

I'm not a piece of tissue paper or the tips of shoelaces.

I was not put on this earth for the pleasure of others while I whimper in the corner at my disastrous luck.

I. Am. Done.

Welcome the new Steph.

Filled halfway with cold detachment and topped up with nonchalant indifference.

Nobody seems to care about my feelings.

So why should I give a fuck?

Nonchalance is the meal of the day and I'm starving.

Congratulations, England. You've managed to give yet another reason why your country is flushing down the drain: there are just too many shits everywhere.

It's alive with the beating of young hearts.

I went to his Facebook profile today. And all I could feel was disgust that I ever let him near me.

I rarely think about him anymore. Which is such a strange transformation from only a few weeks ago.

I suppose I am truly over him. And I know that any lingering feelings I had over the past few weeks was because I felt lonely.

I no longer feel lonely.

Yes, I am still single. But I have great friends around me. And I don't really need much else.

About J though.. We've proper known each other for 3 weeks.

We're only friends, but every time I talk to him I want more. And when I see him, it only escalates the feeling.

He challenges me. But not always. It's bickering but at the end of the day, when he sees that I've been pushed to my limit, he stops and gives me a hug and says he's sorry.

He showed me that today.


He annoys me. But only in ways that he knows I know he's kidding. And he does it in such a cheeky way I can't help but laugh too.

He's smart, but not arrogantly so. He's cute, and goofy, and sweet, and adorable.


We decided to be only friends. But I wonder if we could stay that.

Again, I need to pray for patience.

I shall not ruin this with insane rushing. Not this time. I will do this right.

And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

So I can stand on mountains

It's gonna be a stress-filled two weeks. I have too many things to do and not enough time to complete them all.

So what am I doing blogging?

I don't have a fucking clue.

Postdated: 31 Oct 2012, 20:48

(This was written in Madrid, Spain.)

As my friends are asleep in the hotel room, a result of a tiring day of walking in Madrid and a lack of sleep from the night before, I'm left here alone. Unable to turn on the tv for fear of waking them up and having forgotten to bring a book to chase away the boredom.

Outside, I'm tired. But not because of a lack of sleep or anything else. I'm tired because I feel turmoil. Inside.

Today I went from dating a guy to now just being friends. I went from being able to have a good friend to now hoping that she'll forgive me for my transgressions. 

Today I was alone by myself the entire day. Figuring out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. What the fuck I'm doing at all, really.

I'm in Madrid. Most people would kill to come here. Most people are envious that I'm here holidaying at an exotic European destination.

And yet, I can't fully enjoy it because my life, as usual, is full of fuck.

And now, I lie on my hotel bed, wondering about the consequences of my decisions.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

I don't even know how to begin, what to begin doing...

Sent from my iPhone

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Okay I am a fucking mess.

And the thing is, I don't think anyone understands. Fuck, even I don't understand myself for the most part.

Okay. I like him.

But I don't know if I like the idea of him more. Or the idea that maybe I'll be getting a boyfriend soon.

I think he's majorly cute. He is so handsome. And when we kiss I actually get butterflies in my stomach.

When he looks at me, I get shy. And when he teases me, I get annoyed, but I feel special and happy that he's comfortable enough to do that with me.

Of course, it doesn't matter because it doesn't look like he feels the way.

And that's a horrible feeling. But as much as it pains me, I'll have to let him go.

Can't even say we can still be friends or whatever. We live such different lives that if it doesn't work out, I guess I won't be seeing him much anymore.

Soooo yeah. I guess I shall be prepared for tomorrow and... we'll see what happens.

Keep my expectations low. As low as possible.

I would say I need a drink, but after last night's craziness, I just need closure.

Do you ever feel like a waste of space?

I swear I think it's the stress and the PMS.

Feel so horrible right now.

Feel like... Whatever happened 2 days ago was a one-off thing and that... my life will be filled with little happy one-off moments and the rest is just...

Maybe I'm destined to end up alone.

Maybe the little happy moments in my life will just stay memories and... yeah.

Fuck. I need a drink.

Let it never be said, 'the romance is dead'.

And so begins a new chapter in my life... Amid the tons and tons of work.

But it's okay. Because I'm not rushing into anything. :) I'm doing this slow and steady.

I'm gonna do it right.

Anyway, the main issue isn't really about what is or is not to happen...

I feel judged when I'm walking with him. Like, everyone's wondering what this Chinese girl is doing stealing away one of their kind.

Yesterday, he held my hand for the first time. (Yes, cue 'awwww's and 'oooohh's)

While we were walking, I could feel people staring at me. Don't know if it was just me being too paranoid or self-conscious, or if they were really disapproving..

Sigh. Okay, well. This is just me airing my thoughts.

Off to do more work!

(Honestly, I'm so happy at the prospect of what'll be happening in the near future, but shhh... Not so fast there. ;) )

It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life.

I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

Be patient, Stephanie. Things will happen when they happen. If you try to rush into anything, you will only feel horrid and miserable.

I guess, on some level, I've always known that. But by nature, I am an impulsive person. I do things because they make me feel alive. I feel passion and a rush and thrills. And on the other hand, my brain works like a never-ending clog machine, churning out over-analysed facts by the minute.

So here I am, trying to consolidate my overworked brain with my passionate nature. Trying to stop myself from short-circuiting my thought processes when once again, my impulsive nature takes over and it backfires in my face.

In the end, the only person that stands to lose is me.

I'm already 20. No longer a teenager. I can no longer blame silly whims on my adolescence.

Today, I grow up. I view the world no more a moon-eyed little girl thinking that the world is a magical and happy place to explore. There are sharp thorns and crooked roads.

I need to open my eyes and calm my heart.

Good things come to those who wait. God has a plan for me.

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.

New dawn, new day, right?

I haven't felt so relieved and happy in a while.

This coming at a moment in my life where I'm feeling so helpless about my family's situation.

I'm just glad that it happened.

Sometimes I wonder what the me 5 years ago would think. Would she be proud of who I am now?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I suppose it doesn't matter. I haven't felt so... good in a while.

I'm going to hold on to that feeling until tomorrow morning, when reality comes crashing back down.

Until then, I shall have a good rest.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Massively thrilled that my stats are back to normal. Also, I've got 30 more visitors before I hit 2,500. Now THAT is bloody wicked.

Nobody said it was easy, oh, take me back to the start.

This is fantastic. I log in after a month so I can jot down my rather emotional feelings, and I see that my blog stats have been reset. How appropriate.

Anyway, I honestly think my period will come soon.

The only time I ever feel like my life is at a bit of a low is when my period is on the horizon.

I suppose that's kinda good. Kinda means I'm not pregnant and all that nonsense.

(Okay, that didn't make me sound too good, did it.)

Alright then... Let's skip past the moment and get on with things proper.

Haven't been able to stop thinking about him. At all.

I honestly don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm back in the same city he lives in?

Doesn't matter how many guys I flirt with (harmlessly, of course.)

At the end of the day, he is all my brain picks up.

To be honest though, I'm extremely sure it was the idea of him I missed.

Someone who thought me the world. Someone who appreciated me in all ways... (until, well.)

So yeah.

When will this end?

I would like it to stop now, please.

I won't sleep tonight so I can keep from going insane.

Not physically in the UK and I already have 3 events to attend.

I'm pretty excited to be back in university.

It's been a fine, but tad dull, summer.

Seeing my friends made me happy.. But in the end, I suppose I crave the excitement.

The next time I blog, I may be in the UK.

Or perhaps I won't blog.

You know how it is... I blog for a bit and shut my lips for a few months or so.

I'll try though. :)

Couldn't understand how to work it out

Tonight was one of those nights I really enjoyed.

Nothing special or out-of-the-ordinary happened. I just spent 4 hours talking to my best friend.

It was one of those HTHTs we have once in a while.

Joan and I have a really special relationship. For some (best) friends, constant communication is needed to keep the relationship from drifting or turning awkward. For Joan and I, we rarely get the time to just talk. And talk, and talk, and talk. And yet we know the foundation is there. Rarely breaking away.

The subjects varied. From intense, upsetting, and silent, to happy, amusing and carefree.

We talked about anything and everything under the sun. (Figure of speech, since it was actually under the watchful eye of the moon.)

We've known each other for 15 years. That's 3/4s of my life (or 75%). No one knows me better than her. Sometimes, scarily enough, that list includes myself.

I thank God for technology. Without it, I wouldn't know how I'd survive without her for so long.

This is dedicated to my darling best friend who is one of the only people in the world incapable of judging me (much) for any of my actions.

The best thing I never had

These two weeks will probably be really amazing.

Mostly because my parents will oblige to most of my requests before I leave.

And it's taking a LOT of me not to overstep the boundary.

Oh gosh, I'm such a bloody spoilt brat.

You could go the distance, you could run the mile.

I feel like I'm living two lives.

There's the one I live, in Singapore. It's the same one that's loud and crazy and has her best friends surrounding her. It's the same one where my family is, where my favourite foods are, where I know where I am, where I feel most comfortable in. I feel settled.

Then, there's the one I live, in Manchester. It's also a crazy, loud life, with extremely close friends I'd keep for life. The same life that includes independence, accountability for my own actions, late nights, later mornings, and full-on excitement. I feel like there's so much to explore, and I often find myself wanting to discover more.

Neither life is horrible to live, neither life is perfect. Both lives have their pros, and their cons.

In Singapore, I know my path in life. It's more or less fixed. It's just there. In Manchester, I don't really know what's going to happen from one day to the next. One minute I could be reading a book, with plans to spend a quiet night in, the next, I could be dressing up to hit the clubs because of peer-pressure. It's scary sometimes, but 'good' scary.

I honestly don't know which life I'd want to lead. Excitement seems like the more enticing path now, but that's probably because I'm 20, still wanting to suck the juice out of life before it gets dull and empty. Stability seems like the more practical choice in the long run...

I only hope that the next year will bring with it more answers.

For now, as I start pulling my clothes out and packing them for a 15-hour flight back, I am filled with anticipation for the upcoming year.

With old and new friends, a new apartment, new modules, and more parties, I suppose I should just relax and let God take care of the 'less important' decisions. ;D

Setting me off like sparks

Her eyelids felt heavier than the current world champion in wrestling. Her head was perched on her arm, dangerously leaning too close to the left, about to fall off the unbalanced limb. The cries of the soft, plush pillows on the bed did not go unheard. She kept peeking at them through the corner of her eye, silently telling them that she did want to join them in holy matrimony, and soon. But as of now, she couldn't. She couldn't form a bond with the silky bedsheets and warm duvet. She couldn't let her body succumb to the sweet caress of a good night's sleep. There was just too much to do.

She gave herself the pleasure of closing her eyes for just a second. The danger of that action was apparent when she felt her brain give in to the familiar motions of falling asleep. Quickly, she blinked her eyes open again and lifted her head from her arm, giving her head a quick shake before focusing on the table before her. The huge stack of papers before her seemed to mock her tiredness and desire to go to bed. They seemed to have an endless supply as well, seemingly increasing in depth every time she picked up one sheet.

"Why did I have to choose this life?" She moaned quietly as she snatched another sheet of paper from the sheet with a little more force than was necessary. It wasn't her fault, really. She had two choices. A business degree and then being prepped to take over her father's laundry business, or an English degree and then a scholarship to do a course in teaching, subsequently working for a public school. She wanted to do the business degree. Her father was getting on with age and needed a successor quickly. However, with business profits slowly declining, along with her father's ability to move quickly and the emergence of those new automated dry-clean machines, they could not afford to send her to a good university to get a business degree worth doing. The English degree came attached with a scholarship and a guaranteed job after graduation. The choice became a lot easier to make.

She buried her face in her hands, secretly wishing the pile of papers on her desk would be gone when she reopened her eyes. No such luck. As the warm bed beckoned once more, she threw her hands up in frustration and let out a tired groan. She couldn't take it anymore, it was time for bed.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die that I'll only stay with you one more night

I like being busy.

It keeps the unwanted thoughts at bay and it keeps me from feeling like a bum.

Sometimes I wonder if I could get addicted to being busy. Of course, saying that, my body begged for a rest after a week of being out till late every night.

I actually enjoyed having something to do every night. Enjoyed the nights out with friends, even the occasional tuition with the too-adorable kids.

Honestly though, I can't wait to go back to the UK. Can't wait to live in my new apartment with Kammy. Can't wait for the crazy nights with Sheng, Linisha, and the rest.

Had a fantastic talk with Belle last night. Even got a free drink out of it.

And with my brain cells being entirely sucked up by the miscreants in school, I have very little else to say.

When you finally find what's beautiful

Eyelids are drooping. The bright lights of the square room fill the room.

A hint of inspiration comes and leaves.

But some nights, you just have to give in.

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle.

It's not about what you've done,it's about what you're doing.It's all about where you're going,no matter where you've been.

I've been wond'ring 'round the house all night, wond'ring what the hell to do.

I'm sure as you grow up, the number of things you regret increase. Perhaps even exponentially, as you start making millions of decisions, some harder than the rest.

I really do wonder about the extent of regret. You realise the 'what if' situations stay in your mind longer than the 'I shouldn't have done that' ones.

And that's why people seem to use the whole 'YOLO' (You Only Live Once) thing now. Because you tend to regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do.

In fact, I'm very sure I've touched on this subject more than once, especially in the first half of this year.

What do I regret? Many things. One of the earliest things I regret is not telling my auntie that I loved her before she passed away. I'm sure she went knowing that I did, but the fact that I didn't actually vocalise my feelings will always stay with me, perhaps until I go into *my* grave. That was when I was 11. Since then, I've definitely had more regrets.

People always tell you to 'live life with no regrets!' But it's hard, isn't it. How do you know whether you would regret doing (or not doing) something? Perhaps with my earliest point made, you should just *do* everything. But as humans, a fundamental nature we are all born with is the instinct of self-preservation. You don't jump across from one roof to the next because you 'might regret never having tried it'. You were born with the common sense that you might actually DIE doing that.

Self-preservation doesn't necessarily stop at preventing you from killing yourself either. It comes in handy when dealing with utter humiliation. Or heartache.

Last night, I watched the last bit of an episode of Mobbed. I've not watched much of the show before but what I understand from it, it's a platform for someone to send a very special message to someone else. One of their more popular episodes seems to be of this man proposing to his girlfriend. It's the sort of feel-good, emotionally-refreshing shows that make you go 'awwwww'.

Anyway, in this particular episode, this teacher literally 'mobbed' her fellow teacher-best friend to confess to him that she 'might be falling in love with him'. And honestly, I could tell from the moment he saw her come out that it wasn't going to end well. Which it didn't.

I literally grabbed onto the couch cushion with anxiety as he turned her down. He tried to do it as sweetly and subtly as possible, but I mean, how awesome can a rejection be. 'Oh well, I feel much better than when I set out to do this!'

It got me thinking of my little confession I did 3 years ago. (Yes, I realise it has been that long already.) The rejection and heartache that followed. It was bad, yes. But now, I think back, and it's one of the things I surprisingly don't regret.

In saying that, I didn't do it on national TV. I honestly have to give her a lot of respect and kudos. It is definitely not fun to get rejected on TV AND in front of the entire mob you 'hired'. And I do have to commend the guy for not just saying 'yes' on national TV either, just so people won't boo him.

Anyway, returning back to the subject of regret at hand.

I wonder if the start of the new school year will bring with it many regrets. Somehow, I know my life in the UK almost always guarantees some sort of excitement. But would it be the sort I'd like? Or the sort that'll make me wonder if I made the right decision spending so much money in travelling to another country to get a good degree?

Oh well. I suppose you only live once. ;)

Constant craving has always been

I've always wondered about people.

We're generally a species, working together, trying to live life to the fullest, and at the end of the day, we die. But that's okay, because new people are created and thus is the circle of life.

But people tend to be more complicated than that. It's not easy to be a person living in society. It comes with pressures and responsibilities. If you don't want that, then you simply cannot exist in the world. You'd be living on the margins, fending for yourself in a world where no one will pay you any heed because you chose not to contribute in any way.

Perhaps it's not just humans. The same can probably be said for almost any species. Contribute to life, or go away.

But something about us makes us superior. Is it that we're a more intelligent species? Maybe. Is it that we have a deeper understanding of our emotions and what triggers them? Perhaps. At the end of the day, I suppose it remains a mystery.

Anyway, I honestly can't wait to start work. A bit of tiredness and distraction is something I really crave right now.

If this life is one act, why do we set all these traps?

Everyone is growing up. And between classes, extra-curricular activities, jobs, and everything else in between, we're all busy and running out of time to spend with each other.

Those who matter.

I guess I'm just so afraid that one day, the groups of friends I work so hard to keep tight will just fall apart. Due to the inevitable lack of communication.

We tell ourselves that as time passes, our bond will be there. It'll always stay there. But is that always true? Is that really what will happen? Or perhaps it's only something that happens in sitcoms and TV shows. Something we all grow up to believe, but doesn't truly happen.

Perhaps it's time I realise that it's pointless to hold on to things that won't last.

Falling from cloud nine

I realise that my blog posts are still set to UK time.

Honestly won't change it though because it's too much of a hassle and I *am* going back in like a month and a half.

Anyway, this shall be one of those 'blah blah-me and my life' sort of posts.

I'm pretty glad I got the teaching job at CCSS and I hope I'll make some sort of impact.

Also, I hope to do something about my hair soon.




Yup, that's pretty much it.

You can't change the world with a song

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Is there someone out there I can cuddle with? :(
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But I've got you to keep me warm

Looks like my blog's getting global! :D That's pretty cool.

You (yes, you!) guys have a nice day, y'all hear?

It's never too late

As a child, I was brought up to be responsible for my actions. All my actions had consequences, consequences that I had to deal with, learn from.

I read 'The Rape of Nanking' as a young teenager. The parts that captured my attention and stuck with me were obviously those of the atrocious war crimes that the Japanese committed against the Chinese. The horror stories of the rapes, the massacres, the bloodshed... They opened my eyes to the possibility that although we are a species built with reason, our baser instincts involve nothing more than a power struggle and it truly does boil down to the 'survival of the fittest' in times of despair and hardship.

Today, I picked up the book again. Probably an after-effect of watching 'City of Way - The Story of John Rabe'. I've always been a bit of a WW2 buff. Both of the European and Asian side. History has always fascinated me in a way that people also do. To be able to understand why some people did what they did would perhaps shed some light on things that we in today's context should and shouldn't do. However, history is also bound to repeat itself; something that only increases its worth.

So, I've only barely scraped through the introduction when I realised the most important point of this book. Something that probably enters and flew from my mind at similar rates all those years ago when I first glanced at the book's title. It irritates me to no end that even up to this day, the Japanese are denying the atrocities that they have committed.

Why do we, as an ENTIRE world, let them get away with it? I understand that the past is in the past, and truly, it should remain there for all intents and purposes, but can this truly be morally acceptable?

Of course, the question I pose is a hypothetical one. I know the answer to the first question. It is simply: Politics. The word of fuel that runs the entire world, the only word capable of praising, insulting, killing, bringing hope, bringing life, bringing anger, pain and suffering.

As our species evolved, we developed systems, and structures, and rules. And we claim that these structures will help us to rule better. But perhaps, now we should realise that the structures are ruling us.

70 years. The time period between now and when the first inklings of war started to loom over the heads of our ancestors is now an old man. An old man who is supposed to have garnered wisdom and passed down ideas and stories to his children and grandchildren, hoping they'll learn from him, in good and bad ways, repeating the good, remembering the bad. And yet, this 'old man' hasn't learnt a single good thing. This 'old man' will continue to live in constant denial, teaching his children and his children's children that it is alright to do bad things to people. For as long as you do good things for other people, the bad things will not seem so bad, and you and the people for whom you did good deeds shall live in peace and harmony. And the people to whom you have wronged? Well, fuck 'em.

So congratulations. We live in a world that is in itself hypocritical and full of sketchy morals that only hold true if and when it is convenient. Every human being is the same. Inside, we are all self-serving. We only do things if we know there will be benefits. We're not idiots. That's how we survive. And in the end, perhaps, that's the same thing that will kill us all.

Which way is right, which way is wrong

I do apologise for the lack of posts lately. There's a pattern, you see. Blogging tends to be something to occupy my time with, something that I've been spreading out between spending precious time with friends and watching back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones.

Of course, I say this with the assumption that people are following my blog. Or perhaps you're just a random wanderer into the abyss that I associate with my life. Either way, I welcome you.

I just read a post by a very angry Singaporean. She's around my age. Studied overseas too. Seems pretty bright. Her only vice, as far as I can tell from one post, is that she's just a little... self-righteous? I don't really know which word best describes her. Oh, and before I go on, I honestly am not about to start taking the piss. A lot of her points are very valid. But she's also very angry and sort of gives the impression that she expected a life different from the one she grew up with.

Okay. Let's give a bit of background.

In a nutshell, she talks about how upset she is with the Singapore Government because it's too restrictive and conservative. I don't disagree with her. Singapore is a small country and because of its size, it's kinda easier to control than say, the United Kingdom, or even the state of Texas. This sometimes means it's easier for 'daddy' to say 'JUMP', and you better say 'how high?'. But is it really that terrible?

My time spent overseas initially led me to the same response she publicly aired. 'The Singapore govt is WAYYY too restrictive! I can do so many things in the UK and no one judges me here!' 'Drugs? Oh, come on! It's bad, yes. But I can't believe how much the govt has been exaggerating on its effects. You honestly have to be *that* stupid to be a druggie.' 'I can't believe I got free medicine and health checks. And I'm not even a UK citizen. Singapore's healthcare is way too expensive for its own good.'

Sometimes, living in Singapore *can* be a bitch. Prices of public transport make you want to kill yourself, if the weather doesn't kill you first. (It's hot and humid all the time. ESPECIALLY after it rains. Something I know can be explained by science but I *still* can't comprehend.) Public transport also stops after 1am (or sometimes, even earlier.) This means the only way home is by taxi. Something you don't want to even think about when you're broke. Woes of the fast-paced, competitive world of working are shared by many. And ohh, I'm so upset. Shall we have a pint? WHAT THE FUCK? A FUCKING PINT COSTS $12?!

These are but some of the displeasures of living in the lion city.

But, listen. Singapore isn't a horrible place to live in. To be honest, I thought for a while about permanently moving to the UK. It's still an option, depending on how next year goes. But the option to remain living here is still on my list, not wavering yet.
It's still extremely safe here. In how many places in the world can you honestly say will not pose any harm if you decide for some God-forsaken reason to walk out alone at 3 in the morning? (Perhaps you decided to fuck all taxis and their midnight surcharges.) Yes, there is still crime here, but it remains at a low rate because for the most part, people don't see the need to pillage.

The heat. It can be a good thing. People don't really die from heat strokes here. Of course, there will be cases of people who *have*, but compare that to the number of people who have died from cold-related diseases in other countries?

Also, poor people are better off here because they don't need clothes for all four seasons. In fact, walk around in a tank and shorts every day in your life and no one (except perhaps concerned friends and relatives) will bat an eyelid.

Okay. Erm... the Singapore Government... I won't defend them. I mean, we've had no threats or wars, so we can't honestly tell if they're doing a fantastic job of leading the country. So far, my political views are that if you haven't been in the fields with the people, ploughing away, you have no right to tell anyone that this hoe will yield better crops because some dickhead with a clipboard told you so.

Anyway, I'll try to sum up. I won't lie and tell you that living in Singapore is easy. In fact, I do agree that Singaporeans tend not to speak out against any authority in fear of retaliation. And in Singapore, it's not that easy to hide. Did I mention how small we were?

But the winds of change have come. More and more people are starting to recognise that as humans, we do deserve to speak. Putting a title in front of your name doesn't make you any more smarter or worthy than anyone else in the aforementioned fields.

I honestly think that people shouldn't completely give up on Singapore as a horrid place to work and live in. The future will be interesting. Perhaps things will change. We are after all, toddlers in this world. Such a young nation.

But you know what? If you wanna do something more, join something. Be part of something more. We as a generation should try to change the perspective that we're just followers of the dictatorship.

Anyway, reading the girl's post didn't really anger me. It just got me thinking. If the government gets to read all these little treasonous posts (mine included, I suppose.), what would they honestly do? Run to the courts shouting 'TREACHERY', rounding all the 'rebels'?

I think I've been watching too much Game of Thrones.

Tides that I've tried to swim against

If there would be only one concert I could go for for the rest of my life, it would be Coldplay. It's such an amazing experience like you wouldn't believe.

I'm so lucky I got to experience it once in my life.

"I swam across, I jumped across for you."

In other news, I can't wait for the view counter to go up to 2012 because that would be cool, innit?

I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way

It's been a crazy two weeks.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.

I suppose, for the most part, you may just go to my facebook page to see pictures on what I've been doing since I last decided to blog.

First of all, it was a massive hassle trying to enter my google account again (where I blog from) and I had to switch my SIM cards here and there.... anyway, bottom line is, I'm here and typing and all is well.

A lot of things have happened over the last two weeks. First of all, my little infatuation thing has mellowed a LOT. It just turned out that, as always, it was just a bit of infatuation that didn't amount to anything.

Secondly, I finally have a home for next year. To be honest, it's a bit pricey. And I feel SOOOO bad for my mother who has to finance me through it. But I mean, in the end, I *will* make it up to her. I have to. And I want to. And I will.

It feels strange being home.

My life from a year ago has just slipped back in like it never went away. Suddenly, the fridge is ALWAYS stocked (which is horrible news for my figure. :'( ), someone is there to clean up after me, do my laundry, cook for me, and well, my freedom is suddenly restricted in the sense that I feel accountable to someone.

The best part about this entire thing is that I get the car a lot more now. Of course, in saying that, I'm meeting Vonny and Ping tonight for dinner but my parents need the car for church. :'(

Anyway, I'll be heading off to Korea again in a few days. I'm honestly a little sick of traveling, but I suppose the little theme park-shopping break will be something to look forward to.

In other news, I went into my brother's room and LO AND BEHOLD! Another girl MY AGE. Oh dear GOD. NOT AGAINNNNN. =/

So don't delay, act now. Supplies are running out.

This is a short post to commemorate my 1888th visitor to this blog!

Congratulations! This is a very lucky number in Chinese culture. :)

Of course since I don't know who you are, and you probably don't either, to be fair this is a pretty useless congratulation.

Anyway, it's ONE MORE DAY TO FREEDOM.

Club, booze, dancing and crazy-ass last week in Manchester, here I come! <3

I want something else to get me through this life

Second post of the day! I don't normally do this, really.

But I'm a bit tired from doing work and this is my break.

I wonder if I will ever figure out what goes on in the mind of men.

Of course, in the same way that guys will never be able to figure us out, I suppose it's fair to say we will always be playing this game of 'He said WHAT?!'

It's just a bit annoying because I thought I already kinda made my peace with the fact that he probably doesn't like me, at least not in that way.

And then he comes right back and says things that make my heart go 'ba DUM. ba DUM.'

A part of me obviously wishes he'll come right out and say it, whether it be a bump into the pit of Friend Zone, or a slide into the realm of 'potential girlfriend'.

But with everything in life, it's often not straight-forward and hazard-free.

So here I am, contemplating the last snippets of our conversation like a 15-year-old teenager.

Remember in the last week or so, I posted something about being able to have the feeling of infatuation? Yes, that's the one. Even with all the uncertainty I'm feeling now, you know what? It's a good uncertain. Like, in a way, there's no bad side to this. It's something cutesy that may or may not turn into something more.

And if it doesn't turn into anything? Then there you go. I suppose I'll move on.

Hmm...

Life is hilarious, really.

And sometimes, it's just mean.

I'd rather be a comma than a full-stop

I honestly don't wish to be mean, but this is something I've been wondering for a while now.

(This post isn't a finger pointing at any particular person, just so you know.)

Why bother coming to another country to study if you're not planning to experience the culture?

I mean, silly excuses sound like bullshit to me, to be honest. So at the end of the day, why don't you just pack up your bags and move to another time in your comfort zone? I mean, why pay so much just to live like hermits?

=/

Remember all those times I was hoping for something

The stupid things I've done in the last 2-3 days include:

- Almost drinking my saline solution, thinking it was water. I'm NOT kidding. I had unscrewed the cap and had the tip *this* close to my lips.
- While drinking hot coffee, I didn't realise the cap wasn't locked in properly and it took me a full 2 seconds to realise that hot coffee was spilling down my shirt.
- Pouring a generous dollop of HAIR CONDITIONER onto my body in the shower and started scrubbing, and then going 'WTF AM I DOING?!'
- Missed my train from London because I miscalculated the time and had to pay £50 for another ticket.

I think I'm turning more stupid by the day.

In other news...

I'm feeling so groggy and am in no mood to do work.

I don't really know why. It's probably just one of those days...

Everyone's telling me to be patient. Things will happen when they happen.

But I can't help but want time to move faster and things to happen quicker. Isn't it time for my happy ending? Of course, in saying that, there's no guarantee that this will indeed be a happy ending. All I'm saying is, I've been so sad for so long, perhaps it's time I become a bit happier.

Okay, the last statement was just of me being a brat.

To be honest, my life is going pretty great now. I was on the train to London yesterday thinking about how great my life actually is.

Of course, being human, I wish it was better. I wish I could easily tell him that I like him. I wish he could say it back.

I'm just glad that after next week, I'll get to spend that bit more time with him, and we'll see how things go.

Why am I in such a hurry to grow up so fast? I don't think I am. I was forced into this corner of which I can't get out of. Well, I did walk some of the way there myself... But the point is, I'm here now. And I wanna believe that this corner isn't all that it is.

I wanna believe that love exists. That someone truly wants to be with me, baggage included.

... ... ...

I truly and honestly can't wait for next week.

Truth of the matter is, I'm complicated.

So. My exam is tomorrow. And yet, after that, I'm still not done. Which is pissing me off. On the other hand, my summer plans are drawing nearer and nearer, so that's fun.

I was up till 4 hanging at Mark's yesterday. Walked home in shorts and a thin adidas jacket for protection. Thank God it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be.

The sky was kinda pretty as I was walking back. I was tired, but in a good mood.

Was so tempted to watch the sunrise, but my bed boasted a tougher beckon.

Hmm.

I wonder what this feeling is bubbling inside.

By the way, I tried to say I'd be there

I need to rethink what exactly is it I'm doing in life.

I need to realise that I am worthy of respect and that if I don't treat myself with some respect, no one has a reason to.

This is our fate

So I've finally completed my MOE Relief Teacher application, at the expense of actually doing any studying.

If all goes well and what my dad says is true, I'll be headed towards a $100 a day income for 2 months! Of course, that's subjected to taxes and CPF. :'(

Anyway, looks like my summer's pretty much kinda planned out now.

He's everything you want, he's everything you need.

Okay, the criminal law paper went alright. Hopefully I did well, but I don't know...

Anyway, let's move that aside because obviously you won't be too interested in what I have to say about my law exams.

It's difficult to say what I'm about to say for a multitude of reasons, most of which I don't really wish to spell out here.

Firstly, I don't know if I like him or not. I suppose I'll know when I know but I suppose for the most part, it's a little annoying.

I'm 20. The whole game of 'oohh does he like me?' should be over, shouldn't it? Or maybe it just never stops.

On Facebook, I read the little bits about those younger, or of the same age as I. It's sweet. The usual, 'I feel confused because I think I like him', or 'Ahh! He hugged me today!'

Sometimes I wish I was like that again. I remember the crushes I had when I was in my early teens. I felt so confused, nervous around my crushes... Always wondering when I'd see them next... Writing on my blog (which I'm pretty sure if you go to my archive, will all be there in full glory for your viewing pleasure.)

And now it's like. I've grown past that. I mean... I haven't had a proper crush since I was 17. And no, Ian Somerhalder doesn't count. When he realises that I'm the one missing from his life, he'll know.

Anyway, minor celebrity infatuation aside, I see guys and they're immediately slotted into categories now. Well, to be fair, I don't know if I've been doing that all along...

But that aside, I suppose I have grown up. I mean, I don't go all giddy now. But again, maybe that's because I don't actually have a crush.

I wonder if maybe I should start looking for a relationship. But I'm still so young! And then I think, what if I start working and there's no time to find someone! Shouldn't I start now, then?

Oh gosh. It's like, headaches and problems and, yeah, well, you know..

In a way, I like my single status now. I'm having fun and I report to no one.

But then... that's not a very fulfilling life now, is it.

I could meet guy after guy, flirt my way through throngs of them, and after that what?

Yeah okay. Anyway, I'm making shepherd's pie tonight again.

But I've got you to keep me warm

Let's start with a bit of current affairs:

Yesterday, I experienced my first scary run-in with drugs. Immediately, I can tell the people that know me and are reading this are going 'WTF STEPH' in their heads.

Well, okay, I didn't do any. I don't do any. It was a bit of a situation with a guy from the flat above ours and how he somehow ended with a bad trip in my flat.

Anyway, it was a bit of a nightmare and I was only too glad that I didn't have any papers today. If the same thing happens tonight (which it likely wouldn't), I'm gonna kill someone.

Right. On to business proper.

Hmm. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The one time I tell myself that work comes first and men come later... I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

Well, I suppose it may just be all in my head. But I mean, I guess if it *is* true, it's a bit of a nice feeling.

Or maybe not.

Anyway, don't you chaps worry! I'm still very much bothered about my exams to let this get over my head.

This is praying that my paper tomorrow goes well. :)

Oceans apart, day after day

It's funny because I never thought I'd ever do something like this.

But I know now that it's not necessarily a horrible thing.

I'm all grown-up and I can make my own decisions. Yes, some of my decisions may not be the best ones, but it doesn't mean I am not capable of making them..

I'm glad though because now it finally seems like I have a bit of my life back in order.

Anyway, I honestly cannot wait for exams to be over. And also, I really need money. So I hope I *get* my money back soon.... (I'm annoyed.)

And maybe you're crying but you're not sure why

YES. Made the right choice.

And as a result, I actually feel a lot better.

AH LOOLOOLOOLOOL

Should I stay, or should I go?

I hope I'm making the right decisions here....

On invisible mics, winding through my mind

It's hard to keep living like this.

It's hard to keep living like I don't need someone.

Is this because I'm alone here with so few people to talk to?

I've survived 20 years without a boyfriend. How come I can't seem to do it anymore?

How come, less than a week before my exam, I keep feeling this sense of loss.

You see... this is EXACTLY HOW it fucking happened in the FIRST TIME. I met him during my last exam season too.

OH MY GOD. EXAMS ARE FUCKING DRIVING ME CRAZY.

'Imma get your heart racing in your skin tight jeans

Okay. I know I'm supposed to be studying. But I am too excited for June 2012.

IT'S PROMISING TO BE A BLAST.

6 June - After 12.15PM, My First Year at Manchester University is OFFICIALLY OVER.

7 June - Nat's coming!! And Pangaea!

8-9 June - Nat's still here!!

10 June - Coldplay Concert. (OHHMAAGAAADDDD)

11-13 June - AMSTERDAM, BABY.

15 June - GOIN' HOME, BABY.

21-30 June - KOREA, BABY.

This is not really helping my studying mood, but YAY.

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Okay. I'm freaking out a bit because there's only 10 days left to exams and I don't know how prepared I am, really.

A good thing going for me is that this is the most I have *ever* studied for *any* exam EVER.

Even my A'levels didn't see me pumping in so much effort.

It's just that I really wanna do well because I'm all the way here, and I really do love what I'm studying even with all the bullshitting and complaining I do about the stuff I have to study.

Anyway, I think I do need to take a chill pill. But in any case,


GGGAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay. I'm done here.

Tell me your secret, tell me everything

When it comes to gay rights, and gay marriage, I am still completely undecided on where I stand. Especially because I have yet to reconcile my societal view with my religious one.

When it comes to euthanasia, I am also pretty undecided on my stand. Although I am a firm believer that the only one allowed to tell you when you're going to die is God, in situations where you have loved ones suffering in pain and torment, it's hard as a Christian to stand by and watch helplessly.

But when it comes to abortion... Okay, perhaps I'm completely talking out of my ass here. Let me be the first to admit that.

I just don't believe that there is any good enough reason to abort a child (who is still alive).

Obviously, it hasn't happened to me yet. And perhaps, I'd feel differently if I was in that sort of situation. But right now, I simply cannot think of a reason good enough to want to end the life of a human being whose life technically hadn't even begun yet. 

I guess I just believe firmly that every life that is made has its own purpose here on earth. It's like being in a big production. There are the main actors, the extras, the props, the music. Every single person is important. Every single person, unborn or otherwise, has a soul.

Okay. What if the baby was conceived out of rape?

Yes, I would understand how hard must be. Okay, maybe I *don't* or *won't* understand the feeling, not having gone through it. But think about it... Emotional/Spiritual stuff aside, Are you really punishing an unborn foetus for the crimes of someone else?

It's just that. Life is so precious. One day you're here. Next day, you could die.

But who the hell are you to dictate when life should end?

But again, perhaps I'm just talking out of my ass.

Got to get yourself to that freedom

This is getting mildly annoying.

It's hard to study in my own room when distractions come screaming from the hallway.

One of the major reasons I don't want to go all the way down to the library is because it's crowded, it's too far away, and I don't want to lug my books to and fro.

Besides, I have been diligently doing work at home, although now I wonder how much more I could accomplish if I was seated with no fucking SCREAMING IN THE HALL.

Anyway, it's only a month more of this. Month more of dirty dishes piling up in the sinks, or even clean dishes clogging the areas around the sinks.

Month more of screaming in the FUCKING HALLWAY. I'm sorry, but do you not have a shred of decency in your systems?

I'm trying to sleep/study/listen to some nice music without the sounds of doors slamming and shouting from room to room because FUCK YOU ALL, THAT'S WHY.

I'm just hoping that whoever is my flatmate next year will have the decency to be NEAT and QUIET.

Anyway, I can't wait for June to come. Already, I have got plans lined up, and I'm not even home yet.

I can't wait for Amsterdam, and it *will* be interesting with just Mark and I going.

And of course, being back in Singapore would mean hanging out with some of the greatest people in the world - my awesome friends.

Okay, so I'm freaking out a bit because I don't know if I'm studying enough.
 :(

On another note, I really am in love with Jason Mraz's new album.

Here's an excerpt from his song 'I Never Knew You', and one reason why YOU should get 'Love Is a Four Letter Word'

"What made me forget everything I know?
All my beliefs, replaced by scenarios
Of unintelligent life, echoing in stereo
On invisible mics, winding to my mind
So I would like another look inside you,
Yeah I would love the chance to love you, like I've never known you."

But then I act like I know everything

Okay. I've bought new gym gear. So I have absolutely no excuse now when it comes to actually getting my fat arse to do some exercise.

Also, I'm rethinking studying EVERYTHING because obviously not everything is going to come out.

Oh my gosh. My life has come down to this. I have nothing more to say...

Sheesh. =/

Sometimes, I wanna disappear

Have you ever felt like... why bother?

I mean, it's in situations like this that I honestly wonder why I let myself feel this way.

But I guess, I'm only human.

I don't really think it's the person involved that made me feel this way, per se. It's the fact that I don't seem to be as important as I thought I was.

Well anyway, whatever. I suppose it's just one of those things that happens, and you move on.

I'm disappointed though. But maybe I'm just being insane.

It's just... I mean, I really didn't hope for anything. But at least for once, after all the shit I've been through this year, let me feel like I matter.

Because slowly, I don't feel like I matter anymore. To anyone.

Mother screaming and bitching aside, I feel like if I moved here permanently, not many people will care.

Maybe I should though. Move here and try to start a new life.

To be honest, I don't really know what's waiting for me at home.

I need a drink. :(

What do you see when you dream about it?

My brother's finally here in Manchester. :)

I really did miss him a lot. It's nice having a familiar, squishy, cute fat face around. :D

Nahh, I really do love my brother. HAHA.

He was so adorable today, actually GIGGLING when we did the Old Trafford tour and we saw the stadium. (OH DEAR GOD, HE GIGGLED.)

Anyway, I'm extremely tired. And I haven't been studying much these past few days. So I'm a little screwed. :(

So let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun.

This week turned out a lot better than I expected it to, considering I didn't actually plan any of the activities until it was pretty last minute.

First of all,

that happened. For anyone who doesn't know, that is Mark Foster, lead vocals of super mega awesome Indie Pop band, Foster The People. And I was literally about 2 metres away from him. The band is extremely amazing live, I've got to say. I'm not even like, a mega fan or anything. I didn't even listen to their music (besides the largely popular 'Pumped Up Kicks') prior to a day before the concert.

A friend just messaged me the night before and asked if I wanted to see them live. 'They're so amazing! It doesn't even matter if you're a fan or not!' was her sales pitch. And I've gotta say, she was right. Yeah, the entire place was packed, and we got pushed and squashed around for most of the 3 hours that we were there. We also had to wait in the freezing cold for about an hour before the actual concert. But it was worth it. I've gotta say. Would totally recommend this to anyone not feeble or easily freaked out by crowds.

Secondly, a couple of friends and I decided to have an impromptu night out at 5th Ave. Gotta say, I really do love the club only because I've been pretty into Indie music for a while now. Had an amazing time. Of course, I couldn't remember half the night, but that's why it was so amazing.

So yeah, this week turned out to be my 'end of freedom before exams' week. Of course, in saying that, I realised that my second brother is coming into town next week, so hitting the books next week is again, going to be pretty hard. But I'll try to plan stuff around my brother's visit.

Completely haven't touched my books at all this week. Which is really horrible.

But I've gotta say, I'm happy just experiencing life for what it is. Doing crazy things in my youth, screaming, losing my voice, just being happy. I can say I didn't let life go by wasted.

Another thing that shocks me constantly now is how many views my blog has been getting. I don't even know where all these viewers are coming from, but thank you for visiting (and/or reading. HAHA.) It's not like I'm getting thousands of views, but even 15-20 views a day is pretty flattering. :) That being said, it could be like those weird robot things that randomly view sites... Hmm.

In other news, I may be going to Amsterdam just before I go back to Singapore and I've asked my mum whether I could extend my stay, so YAY!

Life just keeps getting better, dunnit?

Tonight, we are young.

Tell me what you want

Sometimes I don't understand why...

Sigh. Anyway.

I need rest.

And as it fell, you rose to claim it.

For anyone who read the last post, I do apologise for my outburst.

Anyway! The matter is pretty much over. :)

I've had a rough couple of months. It's been a lot of ups and downs. The Lord truly put me through some tough times, but I'm glad to say, I think I'll be well and truly fine. :)

There was a period of time where I didn't even go to class, instead staying at home feeling totally and utterly desolate.

Thinking about it now... I can't believe that was only a few months ago. I really do feel like it happened eons ago.

I'm actually doing pretty well now. So far, in all my essays, I've managed to maintain a respectable 2.1. I *did* put in quite a bit of effort for my public law 2 essay. And scraping a 2.1 was a little bit of a disappointment. But I've read his comments about it and realised that there is a lot I could improve on. And you know what? I will. And I will get that 2.1 average OR first, if it's still possible. God be willing.

Okay well, that aside. I cannot be MORE excited that my Dorothy Perkins shipment of clothes has been despatched. Yes, I know. I'm a shoppaholic. But you know what? I BOUGHT A CUTE NEW NAVY STRIPED DRESS, SO YAY.

I do think that I need new pajamas though. I might head to Primark or something on Thursday as a treat. :)

Okay, you can tell I'm pretty happy. :)

I hope I can keep this up! :D

(Insert Jurassic Park Theme Song)

Hmm okay. I'm gonna try to approach this delicately.

Whatever is written on my blog, stays on my blog.

I rarely use this as a platform to burn others. (Notwithstanding those early teenager years before 2008.)

In fact, you can tell that most of these posts are about how I feel. About certain things. I use my most vulnerable self sometimes when writing posts.

And I'd appreciate if, when you read anything that could be used against me, you refrain from doing so.

I understand that, yes, this is a social media platform so anything I say here *can* technically be used against me.

But I implore you. I don't dedicate posts to 'that bitch I met today' or 'the idiot who couldn't shut up'.

I write here mainly because it's a good way to express myself without having to actually talk to anyone. Also, if anyone out there reads this and can maybe relate, they would know that they're not alone in any way.

If you wanna drop me a comment or message about anything, you may. I'm fine with that. If it's a genuine concern, I will reply you. My Facebook can be accessed by clicking on my many faces.

But if you use any information here for your own vindication, you have got to be the worst person in the world to exploit someone's inner expressions like that.

That's all.

It's not hard for me to love you, no, it's not a difficult thing.

At this point, I'm supposed to be starting on my 2000-word essay. Alas... I am not.

Sitting here in front of my computer typing this... I actually feel content. Not gleefully happy, or nonchalance, or wistful sadness. Just. Content.

To be honest, my life isn't completely going smoothly. As least, not how I would want to picture it. I seem to be losing a few friends here and there. I'm still horribly lazy about going to the gym. (Which I really should to train and strengthen that ankle of mine.) I still don't have someone in my life to call my own. And I'm not totally up to par with school work.

But listen: I'm not worrying. Firstly, you lose friends here and there. Some come, some go. I shouldn't worry that much about it. At the end of the day, if it wasn't meant to be, then I'll let it go, knowing that I tried my best and wasn't any more I could do. The gym, yeah... I really should go. So maybe this week, I'll plan one or two sessions. (Nothing to worry about now, I suppose.) About school work, well, I've been doing work the past few days. It's still a slow process, but at least I'm doing something. :)

And someone to call my own? Haha. I actually surprised myself with this one. Thinking about it now... I don't need anyone right now. If someone comes along, and we hit it off, great! But you know what? I've stopped looking. I've actually stopped looking. Wow. It's hilarious, me typing this. I couldn't believe it myself, to be honest. No, I've not given up on love. No, I'm not completely black-hearted now, filled with the shambles of past relationships. (Lol.) I've just, lifted this up to God.

I've been feeling a bit more confident about myself. Well, to be honest, that comes and goes faster than Wile E. Coyote blows himself up with Acme TNT, but hey. It's a learning curve.

You know what helps? The occasional annoying conversation from a random acquaintance on facebook. I've not talked to him in years, but recently, he's been talking to me a lot more. It's flattering more than anything to be completely honest. So even when I complain about it on twitter or to my friends, I've gotta admit, it's things like these that make me smile and realise that hey, I'm someone who's attractive and there're people out there who think so. So I don't need a particular person's opinion to keep me going. :)

And of course, no matter how many friends come and go, I know the few that will always be there. Never judging, never leaving. And that makes me happy. Because I could have 1000 facebook friends and 1000 twitter followers, but as long as I have these friends, everyone else could 'un-friend'/'un-follow' me and it would be okay. :)

So, yeah. Even though things aren't perfect now, I'm content. :)

You know what? A friend of mine once said that he loathed perfection. Because it took with it imagination, creativity and drive. And he's right. We should all strive for perfection. But the best part about life is that we will probably never get any. And that's fine by me. :)

From a bird's eye view I can see...

I just had to post pictures of my shepherd's pie. Other than the 'quiche' thing I made a few months ago, this has been one of the best dishes I've made completely from scratch. Even with my lasagna, I cheated with the cheese sauce (because I couldn't be arsed.)

I'm honestly really impressed with my cooking skills now. Although to be honest, I probably won't cook much when I go back to Singapore. Somehow, my creative freedom just comes to me here. So yay. :)

Tu mia luna tu sei qui con me

"The world as I see it is a remarkable place."

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I've been pretty diligent with work lately. Sure, I've been slacking a little, but the last few days have seen me being best friends with my books.

And I actually understand almost 90% of stuff they talk about during lectures. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

Okay well, hopefully this keeps itself up. :)

In other news, I'm gonna attempt to make Shepherd's Pie tonight! Hopefully it all goes well! :D

Warning signs that no one showed me

The internet is one scary mutha-fucked up place if you don't know how to handle yourself.

This girl... I don't know her name, so let's call her Z. She didn't think her little comment made any difference in the world... Oh, how it came to bite her in the tushy.

Okay. Let's start from the beginning for anyone who happens to be reading this and needs some context.

An NSF man (whom apparently, is good friends with many of my church friends, though I don't know him personally) passed away a few days ago (was it yesterday? Forgive my lack of knowledge with current affairs.) after training in camp.

Z's friend posted a link on his/her Facebook wall regarding this incident. Z commented on it 'Singaporeans are weak. LOL' Or something of the sort.

And then, BAMM! Anarchy, and chaos and havoc over the normally docile and somewhat peaceful interweb.

People started burning her on forums, in tweets, in articles, on facebook, by commenting on every single available piece of social network. Oh dear. And she seems so young too. =/

Apparently, she had to delete all her social media accounts too.

Okay, yes, her comment was silly and uncalled for. And certainly, it turned certain societal groups into angry mobs. But for all those people to whom it doesn't affect except in a disgusted and angry way, please, STOP IT!

I'm talking about all you girls who've never gone through NS and are going 'Well! We'd never say that! We love our army men too much!' I'm talking about all you youngsters just looking for someone to talk about during 'recess' or looking for something to do online because exams are coming but 'this is current affairs so it'll help us in our education!' And well, if you think this refers to you, it probably does.

Yes, she said something stupid. But who on earth has never done something like that?? Do you honestly HONESTLY think for a minute, that by saying something like 'Singaporeans are weak', she meant to offend an entire army of soldiers, the Singapore government who's directly in charge of the training NSF men go through, AND anyone who's involved with the fitness levels of any teenager at any point in time before they head off to the army? Of course she didn't! She's not malicious! She was just making a joke (albeit not a very funny one) and thought her comment would probably get lost in the sea of facebook activity that goes on every single day.

Imagine this: Your friend posted a picture or wrote a status that didn't present him/her in a very good light. And you comment 'Oh God. You're an idiot.' Did you really mean to insinuate that your friend is a complete retard, unable to normally function in society? Of course not! (Well, unless you're that hurtful.) You just meant it in passing. Just something stupid you say every day.

Stop ruining this poor girl's life for one tiny mistake!

And the arguments I've heard/read... 'You know.. We as NSF men sacrifice so much. We lose 2 years of our lives...' 'You know.. NS training is extremely daunting, etc.'

These are of course, valid arguments. Merits in all of them, of course. But that's not the point. The point is YOU using THESE arguments against that ONE comment of a young girl. Do you really think that's fair? Really? Really?

Anyway, it's not as if many people will actually read this. I just thought I'd use this platform to express myself, as always.

I'd like to think that I'm very honest with my feelings. Or, you know. Maybe not. It depends if you're worth it, I suppose.