A summer's disregard.

I've got a lot to do. That's probably why signs were telling me not to play mj at belle's.

So yes. Exams are over. But no, I'm not free. At all. Not even a little bit.

Oh well.... I'm just gonna hope for the best.

Anyway, in my hectic-ness, I managed to complete Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol'. How? Well, basically, before yesterday, I kept sleeping at 1. Which isn't really very.. healthy. Which is why I slept at 2130 yesterday. Which, again isn't very... healthy.

And now, I'm starting on Jane Eyre. Which is a really good book. I'm enthralled by it. Sort of.

Anyway, the date is set. I think. I don't really know actually. I'm scared. I don't really know what to say to him, how to say it to him... I'm scared shitless basically. Janice suggested I start practicing. So I told Henry and Zong Yang that I liked them. At separate times. Henry's reaction was a funny sound. Like a 'Yeah right, mm-hmm' sorta thing. Hahaha! And 'Darius' gave me a look like I just told him I was going to Afghanistan to sun-bathe. Okay. It wasn't exactly 'real' practice, but I mean.. the reactions were funny enough.

I'm getting closer to my guys in my class. Like LZY, Henrzzz and Oliver. HAHA. Yes, even though Oli's been real irritating, calling me a bimbo and throwing water at me, he's a fun guy lah. And it's fun to talk to him. Maybe I should practice on him too. HEH.

I want to talk to people. But they're just not showing themselves online. OR anywhere... it's a little upsetting. Especially since I've started to get closer to them and I kinda miss them. =/

I'm still scared. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'd react. I'm scared. All I know is that this is something I need to do. It is. It feels right. Even though I wanna keep chickening out? I know I'm gonna do it in the end. Regardless of the results. It's just something I have to do. Right?

Not listening in chem lecture

I know i'm supposed to be listening, but i just feel like sleeping. and the bell just rung, so i just wasted 50 mins of my life doing nothing but going to facebook and talking to jie hui. I should be hung. I'm completely satisfied, happy even, with my results.

If tomorrow never comes

 

So what is the deal? I can't seem to find a foothold anymore. I may be going off balance. Tripping into the abyss that is my life. Nice.

I like the game of 'three words'. Completely threw us off playing mahjong (and it took 4 hours to finish one game) but it was stupid and funny.

Actually, the whole thing was stupid and funny. And people would go crazy. Very crazy. And sing. And sing some more.

I know I told some people that I would never get a tattoo.. But I'm considering it. I know. It's completely berserk. At the same time, you only live once, right?

And I should stop going out after school. I know my promos are over, but there are things I have to do. Things that I seem to be avoiding. Not good.

And I don't know how I'm gonna tell him. Because I keep replaying the same scene over and over again. And the results are getting more in my favour each time.

I blame him. And me, mostly. But him. HE *points* did THIS. So yes. I don't think I'm prepared for the worst. So right now, I'm preparing to be unprepared for the worst.

Oh. And I decided that I hate the part of a funeral where they let you view the body going into the furnace. I don't ever wanna see it again. It's horrible. And completely cruel.

And I think I did well for Econs and Math. And chem.. That was a surprise. A good surprise. J

(This was written on the 26^th of October 2009 at 2330. However, Blogger screwed up. So..)

You are the reason that I still believe

Everything hurts. My arms feel like they're perpetually lifting heavy objects. My abdomen feels like my brother made it his favourite couch. All thanks to cable-skiing yesterday. Which was completely and utterly fantastic! Ping said it would hurt like shit today. It did.

I couldn't get the hang of it. Especially the wave-boarding. But knee-boarding was so much easier. And well, although I flew into the water a few times, i still made it to the furthest part of the lagoon in the end. Which is not really cool because then you have to walk back. But it's okay lah.

I'm just glad I wore my contacts.

Anyway, I really don't wanna go to school today. I planned to, later on, because I have a lot of stuff I need to do in school. But I don't feel like moving...

Talking to Ping was really cool yesterday. I think the way she squealed when we talked was so cute. Haha! I really didn't expect her to have so much juicy stuff to say. So adorable. :))

We talked for one hour plus near the drink stall. I didn't bring a towel after cable-skiing, being the smart girl I was. So I was wet, with my shirt sticking uncomfortably to my skin. And my hair was crazy dry and matted. But it smelt like sea water which was refreshing! (Not 'smelly', as Ping described it.)

I ate horribly unhealthy orh-luak for dinner. And Ping ate char kuay teow. I told her I didn't really like it cuz' it was too oily for me. Which is weird cuz' what I was eating was so much more oilier than her food. But I'm weird, so yeah.

Had the most tense-est liturgy meeting of my life yesterday. It was completely fine and stuff, you know? Ladies night (and one guy) and all that.. But then it turned into the topic of reshuffling the groups. (My group was not affected of course, cuz' you had to be 17- 20-ish to join. And no one really meets that criteria anymore.) And me and belle was just laying in the corner, looking back and forth as the chilled ladies night almost turned into a total cat fight complete with cake and icing. But it was cool in the end. I think. It ended rather amicably.. sort of. With ladies, it's always hard to tell. You could tell that the animosity was still a little present, even as they ended the night. But it gave way to a spiritual ending, cuz' you know, everything needs to start and end with God.

You know how to look for that silver-lining? Draw it yourself.

Cause you keep me from falling apart

I'm gonna make a list of things that are happening before the year ends. I know I've done this already... but it wasn't very apparent or blatant then. Now that there's about 2 months left in the year, I would like to explicitly mention what I'm supposed to commit to. In 2 months.

- Project Work (WR submission: 31st Oct. OP date: 10th Nov)
- China trip (17th Nov - 1st Dec)
- Band camp (3rd Dec - 5th Dec)
- Church camp (10th - 13th Dec)
- Fiesta concert (11th Dec)
- Acapella (27th Dec)

This things? They don't start on those dates mentioned. They require work, and planning, and more planning, and more work. And hours I can't afford. And these are only the major things I need to worry about. There're many small tiny pain-in-the-ass things I need to do too.

Oh right. Note the dates. See the spaces in between. It's a laugh.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

Young love in the sun.

The sleepover was fantastic! We baked, watched movies, and gossiped, and all that.

Daryl's maids made awesome food! For dinner, we had pasta, sausages, black-pepper chicken wings, potato salad with egg and avacado with bacon. For breakfast, we had smoked sausages, scrambled eggs, ham, bacon, and sauteed mushrooms and tomatos. o.0

I had an awesome time talking to Shufen today. I'm really glad we're getting closer. I like having someone to relate to. It seems like we're having the same set of problems. Okay, well maybe not the same? But it's rather similar.

I guess after the promos, it just leaves my heart wide open for everything to sink back in. Everything that everyone said to 'wait after promos' for has decided to sneak out of its little holding cell and let itself loose on all humanity.

Anyway, I've pretty much decided that this is right. And that I should do it. And whether it becomes something I regret or not, well, at least I tried.

Sometimes I wish I had a simple crush on a simple boy like other normal girls. And that even if nothing happened, well, it wouldn't be bad. At all. It would be rather teenage-ish, actually? And normal. And sane.

Not crazy like this.

And well, when it comes down to it, all I want to do is do it and hope for the very best. While preparing for the very worst.

I will not leave alone everything that I own.

Okay. The Temasek Junior College Promotional Examinations are over.

So today was supposed to be a good day... And it was, for the most part? But things just happen to really just ruin your entire mood. Stupid, stupid things.

Anyway, Joan just cheered me up again. She showed me this video on youtube about kids fighting zombies. It's a prank some producers pulled on the kids. It's SOO cute.

Walking around Ikea was fun. I could've enjoyed it a bit more if I remembered my solution. My contacts were soooo dry. =/

Lunch was.. WOAH. I had swedish meatballs. I LOVE IKEA MEATBALLS. And the chicken wings were to DIE for.

And I loved walking around sitting on the beds, playing with the kids toys, sitting on the couches, playing 'kitchen' in the man's kitchen. I like how Huiling, Janice, Yiwen and I would just walk around aimlessly, and find Ping and Yvonne sitting in some ulu place.

And how we couldn't find them in the end. HAHA.

And there was this STUPID prank call from some idiots about a cat. -__________-''

Well, anyway, it was awesome hanging out with the girls. And Ikea furniture is cool.

I want a loft.

And you know what? I don't need you. I have such good friends, no one can take them away from me. Screw you.

You pissed me off so bad..

So why is it I don't immediately never speak to you again?

Cuz' this is real.

I don't know anymore. Just when I thought everything was going so perfectly? I told my girlfriends in school everything. And it really comforted me. They didn't judge. They COULDN'T judge because they didn't know who he was. It felt good. I know my best friends mean well, but sometimes, it gets tiring to hear their 'you know... right?' Yes, I know, I know. And it was cool that they thought it was cute. I really love them sometimes. It was awesome that they really wanted to know. To listen to everything. I don't know. It felt different. And now? It's shit again. Because everything's just changing. I still want to tell him. But how? How do I let him know? Especially when things are this crazy. I can't. Can I? I want to. Really. I never wanted to, ever. But now I feel like I should. I don't know. I want to end my misery.

I just realised how complicated it was. I mean, it was VERY complicated, I know. But this is just. This is madness. This is crazyness. This is like hanging myself from a tree.

And you can't imagine how awful I feel. I didn't mean it okay? I didn't PLAN for it to happen. It just did. I'm sorry okay? Don't get angry. Or upset. I know you were upset about it.. and I made it worse. I didn't want to. Why would I even THINK of doing anything to hurt you when all I want is for YOU to be happy?? Have you ever thought about how I feel? This sucks. I know. And I'm sorry. But you CAN'T expect me to be there for you all the time. That's crazy. I'm not your lackey. I have a life. I'm 17. I'm going to live it. I can't be expected to say 'yes' to you all the time. Even though that's pretty much what I'm doing now, aren't I? Such a stupid girl. So stop sulking. Please. Stop making me feel horrid about myself. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't promise you anything. Stop it.

Gosh. This is.. wow. Promos were nothing compared to this. I'd rather take them again.

No. Actually, I wouldn't.

4 in the morning.

It's odd to be awake when no one else is.

I'm hoping the Econs paper won't kill me today. Really.

I won't let you down.

I love Yvonne.

When she said that, I was really happy inside. Even though it's really a fantasy.

I'm sooooo screwed.

A few hours to my first paper.

Shit. It's almost midnight and I can't sleep.

And I have a paper tml.

You know what? I couldn't stop smiling when I read that message.