IN JUNIOR COLLEGE...

In TKG...

I had never slept a wink in class.

In TJC...

My head hits the table as soon as the teacher steps in.

In TKG...

I had no/not much homework.

In TJC...

If I can finish half of what I have to do everyday, I've been efficient.

In TKG...

I fall sick once a year during flu season.

In TJC...

The doctor knows my name well enough to expect me often.

In TKG...

I skipped school after the exams.

In TJC...

I plan on whether I should GO to school the next day.

In TKG...

I became mildly stressed before the exam periods.

In TJC...

I become mildly stressed before every lecture/tutorial.

In TKG...

Be late? NO WAY!

In TJC...

Unimportant lesson in the morning... Should I just go late?

I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.


I CAN'T WAIT.I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T WAIT.

God wants you to know..

I'm really beginning to think that God wants me to know something very specific.

Well, either that or I'm just over-analysing everything. Again.

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Seriously, though! I keep getting the same message again and again in different forms.

Okay, FINE. So they could apply to anything. I'm just on a math high.

How will I know?

There's a boy I know
he's the one I dream of.
Looks into my eyes
takes me to the clouds above.

Oh I lose control
can't seem to get enough.
When I wake from dreamin' tell me
is it really love?


How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heartbeat.
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you' cause you know about these things.

How will I know if he's thinking of me?
I try to phone but I'm too shy - can't speak.
Falling in love is so bitter sweet.
This love is strong
why do I feel weak?

Is there a sure-fired way to know? Will I ever find out?

I'm not sitting on the sidewalk

Dear Chuck,

Thanks for the awesome time at dinner! Thanks for making my dull day a good one.

And I'm really glad we're getting closer! :DDD

Your stepsister,

S.

To thee I cry

You know how it is when you feel like you may be a few inches from falling off into an abyss?

I feel like that everyday now. As everything gets closer and things start to overwhelm me, I wonder exactly when I'm going to fall. Off.

Maybe it'd be soon. Maybe I'll fall now, and hopefully, the abyss is NOT an abyss and I'm able to stand up when I reach the bottom and start clawing my way to the top again.

Or maybe it's not as simple as it sounds. Maybe I'm meant to fall, never having to get up again.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe my contentedness, happiness, my smooth-sailing is supposed to end here.

I mean, I keep thinking that God has a plan for me, right? What if this IS his plan? He meant for me to fail to learn something.

Thing is, I DON'T want to learn something. Call it 'being too comfortable' in my own world, but I've been having it good for the past 17 years. Please don't let my fall be now.

I hope this is just me being paranoid. I REALLY hope this is the case. If it's not... I'm so screwed.

Guess what?

This morning, I had a laugh, which brightened the gloomy thought of it being 7am in the morning.

I saw someone in pyjamas. Someone. I won't say who though... cuz' it's not very nice.

And no... it wasn't someone in my family. -___-'' seriously.

But well, I didn't really expect to see that someone in PJs. Which was really REALLY cute. And I was so stunned. Cuz' I thought... you know.. he, like most people, would wear tshirts and shorts to sleep or something. But it was PYJAMAS.

Haha! I'm sorry if that someone happens to be reading this. It was just a very cute, kodak moment I needed to record so I can read this in 20 years and laugh. A lot.

Just wanted to let you know that when I saw him, I was so filled with mirth, I couldn't say any more than 5 words.

HAHAHAHA. :DDD

It's awesome to know that in the midst of all the PW and Promos drama, I can still find joy in the little things.

We're going down, down.

The PW timeline is tight.

And my promos are coming.

I need help.

When it all goes wrong, we walk.

I had a rather lazy day in school today. Exam mode hasn't kicked in. I'm feeling the worry and stress, yes. But I'm doing NOTHING about it. Which is... worrying.

Right now, I'm kinda gonna rely on the Lord a little over here. A little bit more than I should, really. I trust in him, so I mean, there's no harm in it right? I just hope I'm not killing myself over here.

Okay. School stuff out of the way.

I told Joan I would still be thinking about it. I still am. Can't get it out of my head. (Yes, yes, like the song...)

I keep thinking about... a lot of things actually. He's in my head a lot when I have nothing else to think about. Which is a little.. obsessive, maybe? Do you think that's obsessive?

It probably is, huh. Oh well, you can call me whatever you think I am. I really don't think I even care anymore. It just seems easier to keep thinking about him and not stop. It's a lazier method for one thing. And as you can probably tell, I'm feeling particularly LAZZZZYYYYY.

I want Alex boy to post the pictures soon! I want to see my 'Model Shots'. These are a series of kawaii pictures Steph took of me during lunch yesterday.

She went, 'Work it, Steph! Show me 'commercial'! 'High fashion'!' I just gave her a -____- look. And then I did the kawaii shots cuz' I feel sooooo kawaii! (haha.)

During the retreat, I actually cried when Joan smiled at me and said 'I love you' after my sharing. I really felt love. Sometimes, I can't believe I'm so blessed with such awesome friends.

It makes everything worth it. Even the miserable 'He likes me, he likes me not' hours.

I'm a mercedes benz! Vroom, vroom! :DDDD

I want to own an Audi. But my goal is this precious darling right here. :D

Now and forever

"I really can't bring myself to look at him when he stares at me like that. I look away fearing that one look will lock our eyes together permanently. I can't do that. He'll know."

I was typing happily away on blogger when my finger slipped and it brought me back to the previous page. Which meant my entire post was gone. Which is not cool, really.

Anyway, I just returned from my YC retreat (which I'm not gonna blog about... yet, anyway.)

Instead, I was going to bathe and go sleep.

However, I decided to pay my facebook a quick visit. There's this application called 'God wants you to know...' which displays inspirational messages or little random things you may want to know? Mine was:

The moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now.

The scary thing: I DO know what they are talking about. And even though it's obviously a random thing they send out, it's really too much of a coincidence.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should read my post a few days ago.. about my conversation with Joan.(September 10 2009) It's scary. It's really scary. I don't want to make a decision now? But, well, recent events have suggested that I do.... This is one of them. ONE of them...

So how?

You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
Now and Forever - Richard Marx

But we walk the plank on a sinking ship

My life is just... PW PW PW PW PW PW PW PW.

You know? If you look at the word long enough, it just looks like 'pow'. "Pow pow pow pow pow."

I really CAN'T wait for it to be over, although it has been fun working with my group members. :) And the silly things we do. That's always fun.

You know? I've been having weird dreams lately. Not weird good, or weird bad... Just... it's horribly annoying not being able to interpret my dreams, you know?

I was sifting through my drawer and I found the pieces of paper we got during Camp Daniel last year. There was one on dream interpretation, which I thought COULD be useful? But it wasn't.. The bottom line was 'your dreams are normally what YOU interpret it to be.' Which doesn't help much...
But just looking at those papers brought back so many memories from last year. The fun I had, the friends I made. And it was just one of those experiences that you don't want to forget, you know?

***Okay. I am completely freaked out by 'Friday the 13th' that my brother is playing in the living room. I'm trying to blast music through my headphones, but everytime there's a pause between songs, I hear screaming and I want to vomit.***

Anyway, I should get going.
I'm supposed to be studying.

And I'm having YC retreat over the next two days. :)

Dreams are just...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side


Doesn't this feel like a literature text?