I'm slowly dying inside.
A proper relationship is extremely hard to deal with. Especially when you're in your honeymoon period and it's supposed to be fun and happiness and constant snuggles and giggles.
But it's hard when I'm supposed to be revising for my exams (which I am currently NOT doing) and he has exams too which are in a few days and all I want is for him to come over and be with me, but I can't. Because that would be massively selfish of me.
And I feel like a complete bitch because he's texting me telling me how much fun he's having out with his mates and while I reply with 'yay!' and 'so glad you're enjoying yourself!' I can't help but think 'But what about me! :('
This is not to say that he can NEVER have fun with his mates. I'm really not all that unreasonable. But it might be nice to maybe drive down a bit to see your girlfriend for a while, especially since you've not seen her in a bit. And then if you want to go crazy with your mates, fine.
Okay I am becoming absolutely mental. It's just that we're still trying to get to know each other, and it's hard enough as it is.
Okay I just need to relax and start fucking studying, for fuck's sake.
This is a girl. This is her blog. That's pretty much the gist of where you are now on the internet.
Saturday, May 04, 2013
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Lately, I've been, I've been fast asleep, dreaming of all the things that we could be.
I'm taking a break from Spanish revision to write this. Spanish is really fun, and I love it, but it is not easy. At all.
It's so stupid, but I miss him a lot. And the last I saw him was yesterday morning. What a crazy girl.
It's only been a week, and we've only had a few dates. But each date has been completely amazing and unforgettable.
It just astounds me how much we're alike but so very different at the same time. Our tastes in movie and music are a good example. We both listen to rock bands like Creed and Green Day. And yet while I listen to more indie and pop rock, he listens to old-style rock and country music. It's intriguing and fascinating.
On Monday, we were watching The Blues Brothers. There was a line in the movie when Elwood asked his brother 'Who you gonna call?' and both of us whispered 'Ghostbusters' at the same time. I'm sure many others would do the same, but some might only think it and not say it, and the fact that we were both whispering it (like it was too cheesy to say out loud) was so hilarious and showed how in sync we were.
It's just the little things like that that show me how lucky I am to have met a guy like him.
He doesn't only tell me that I'm beautiful or sexy or adorable. He shows it to me. The way he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only one who matters.
It's only been a week and he's already been more romantic than anyone I have ever dated. He drove me to see a beautiful lake in the middle of the country roads, then attempted to drive up a hill to see a glorious view of the border between Manchester, Sheffield, and Oldham. I say attempted because we realised that there was no tarmac track for the car to get there, but the thought was just so romantic. And the view I got was still spectacular.
It's scary because I'm still overthinking everything. I overthink every day. And the more time we spend together, the more my brain tries to process what is it that's going on. I doubt myself and what I'm doing all the time. But I also have no regrets about my decisions. It's a schizophrenic disorder due to the fact that my mind never stops working, but at the same time, my heart wants to fall right in. So I'm torn between two extremes.
In any case. I need to focus on my exams and I need to keep reminding myself that we have a long 3 month break ahead of us. So, it's all on God now.
It's so stupid, but I miss him a lot. And the last I saw him was yesterday morning. What a crazy girl.
It's only been a week, and we've only had a few dates. But each date has been completely amazing and unforgettable.
It just astounds me how much we're alike but so very different at the same time. Our tastes in movie and music are a good example. We both listen to rock bands like Creed and Green Day. And yet while I listen to more indie and pop rock, he listens to old-style rock and country music. It's intriguing and fascinating.
On Monday, we were watching The Blues Brothers. There was a line in the movie when Elwood asked his brother 'Who you gonna call?' and both of us whispered 'Ghostbusters' at the same time. I'm sure many others would do the same, but some might only think it and not say it, and the fact that we were both whispering it (like it was too cheesy to say out loud) was so hilarious and showed how in sync we were.
It's just the little things like that that show me how lucky I am to have met a guy like him.
He doesn't only tell me that I'm beautiful or sexy or adorable. He shows it to me. The way he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only one who matters.
It's only been a week and he's already been more romantic than anyone I have ever dated. He drove me to see a beautiful lake in the middle of the country roads, then attempted to drive up a hill to see a glorious view of the border between Manchester, Sheffield, and Oldham. I say attempted because we realised that there was no tarmac track for the car to get there, but the thought was just so romantic. And the view I got was still spectacular.
It's scary because I'm still overthinking everything. I overthink every day. And the more time we spend together, the more my brain tries to process what is it that's going on. I doubt myself and what I'm doing all the time. But I also have no regrets about my decisions. It's a schizophrenic disorder due to the fact that my mind never stops working, but at the same time, my heart wants to fall right in. So I'm torn between two extremes.
In any case. I need to focus on my exams and I need to keep reminding myself that we have a long 3 month break ahead of us. So, it's all on God now.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side.
So far, it's been going amazingly.
He's such a wonderful guy. We've only been going out a week but I feel there is so much potential between us.
It's true that we only have about a month left. And most of it will be spent on trying to garner that 2:1 average. But in every other aspect, it's the right timing. And perhaps meeting now is a good time to establish if we are truly meant to be together.
It's so easy with him though. I'm totally, completely 100% myself, no holds barred. I'm crazy, and annoying, and silly. And he just takes in everything, being crazy with me, humouring my stupid nonsense.
Every 'quick' call we have lasts for a hour or more. Every visit ends in him leaving the flat in the wee hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, watching movies, being happy.
I'm happy. :) And so glad that the Lord brought him into my life. Such a great guy.
Do I dare hope for more?
He's such a wonderful guy. We've only been going out a week but I feel there is so much potential between us.
It's true that we only have about a month left. And most of it will be spent on trying to garner that 2:1 average. But in every other aspect, it's the right timing. And perhaps meeting now is a good time to establish if we are truly meant to be together.
It's so easy with him though. I'm totally, completely 100% myself, no holds barred. I'm crazy, and annoying, and silly. And he just takes in everything, being crazy with me, humouring my stupid nonsense.
Every 'quick' call we have lasts for a hour or more. Every visit ends in him leaving the flat in the wee hours of the morning. Just talking, laughing, watching movies, being happy.
I'm happy. :) And so glad that the Lord brought him into my life. Such a great guy.
Do I dare hope for more?
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
So this is what it feel like, right place, right time.
Okay. Right now, I'm supposed to be either doing my seminar work or getting dressed to go to the gym. Right now, I'm nowhere near doing either.
And it looks like I won't be doing either any time soon...
So, here I am. Blogging after a bit of an absence.
I'm happy. :)
I can't even begin to describe it.
Yesterday, I had a date with an amazing guy. He is so sweet, hilarious, and such a gentleman.
Really don't want to get my hopes up, because well, look how it's backfired on me before.
So well, here's goes. Slow and steady. Again.
Ohh boy. I wonder if my next post will be happy or devastating.
And it looks like I won't be doing either any time soon...
So, here I am. Blogging after a bit of an absence.
I'm happy. :)
I can't even begin to describe it.
Yesterday, I had a date with an amazing guy. He is so sweet, hilarious, and such a gentleman.
Really don't want to get my hopes up, because well, look how it's backfired on me before.
So well, here's goes. Slow and steady. Again.
Ohh boy. I wonder if my next post will be happy or devastating.
Monday, April 08, 2013
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
I liken myself to a child that has decided that she actually really wants the Barbie doll she tossed aside. And all because someone else picked it up and decided that they would keep it. So the little child is annoyed.
I think it's just the whole human nature thing of wanting what you can't have. You know that in normal circumstances, you wouldn't even give a second thought to that particular item, wouldn't think about it, wouldn't take it if someone gave it to you. But the moment it no longer becomes an option for you, you hanker for it like a dog hankers for a bone. Pathetic reasoning, but true, nonetheless.
It's a horrible thought. And if ever you should feel this way, remember that you should never ever, under any circumstance, do anything about it, because the moment you do try to snatch that Barbie back, the feeling of happiness and satisfaction will only last for a minute. And then you remember why you tossed it out in the first place. And then you think 'well, why the fuck did I go through all that trouble for something I didn't want?'
Before that realisation kicks in though, and before you attempt to snatch the proverbial Barbie back, you get to happily grapple with thoughts like 'Well, am I jealous that the other person is happy with that Barbie? Did I truly really want that Barbie? Did I make a colossal mistake in throwing the Barbie out?' and many many more.
You sit down, in the middle of the room, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. You know that when you think of the Barbie itself, you see it as nothing more than a used doll, damaged and broken, something you should've rightly thrown out. But then someone else seems to be so happy with it. Was there another side to the doll that you hadn't realised?
You then continue wondering, does that other child realise how damaged and broken the doll is? Does the child only see the fun Barbie, the fact that it's a pretty doll? Should you go tell her that the doll is broken and that if she continues to play with it, she herself will get hurt?
But at the end of the day, you realise that you don't even know the child. She might know that the Barbie is beyond repair but might still accept it for what it is. Unlike you, who threw it out the moment you realised the extent of the damage. Perhaps she might appreciate it more, you know that you could never enjoy that Barbie anymore, which is fine because you have newer, better toys to play with.
So after all that contemplation, you realise that you were never going to be happy with that Barbie, and that the only reason why you would've possibly wanted the Barbie back is because you are, by nature, a selfish person. Which is okay, because everyone is a little bit selfish, but at the end of the day, as long as you don't hurt other people with your selfishness, you're ace.
I wonder how much time I can waste not doing my essay.
I think it's just the whole human nature thing of wanting what you can't have. You know that in normal circumstances, you wouldn't even give a second thought to that particular item, wouldn't think about it, wouldn't take it if someone gave it to you. But the moment it no longer becomes an option for you, you hanker for it like a dog hankers for a bone. Pathetic reasoning, but true, nonetheless.
It's a horrible thought. And if ever you should feel this way, remember that you should never ever, under any circumstance, do anything about it, because the moment you do try to snatch that Barbie back, the feeling of happiness and satisfaction will only last for a minute. And then you remember why you tossed it out in the first place. And then you think 'well, why the fuck did I go through all that trouble for something I didn't want?'
Before that realisation kicks in though, and before you attempt to snatch the proverbial Barbie back, you get to happily grapple with thoughts like 'Well, am I jealous that the other person is happy with that Barbie? Did I truly really want that Barbie? Did I make a colossal mistake in throwing the Barbie out?' and many many more.
You sit down, in the middle of the room, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. You know that when you think of the Barbie itself, you see it as nothing more than a used doll, damaged and broken, something you should've rightly thrown out. But then someone else seems to be so happy with it. Was there another side to the doll that you hadn't realised?
You then continue wondering, does that other child realise how damaged and broken the doll is? Does the child only see the fun Barbie, the fact that it's a pretty doll? Should you go tell her that the doll is broken and that if she continues to play with it, she herself will get hurt?
But at the end of the day, you realise that you don't even know the child. She might know that the Barbie is beyond repair but might still accept it for what it is. Unlike you, who threw it out the moment you realised the extent of the damage. Perhaps she might appreciate it more, you know that you could never enjoy that Barbie anymore, which is fine because you have newer, better toys to play with.
So after all that contemplation, you realise that you were never going to be happy with that Barbie, and that the only reason why you would've possibly wanted the Barbie back is because you are, by nature, a selfish person. Which is okay, because everyone is a little bit selfish, but at the end of the day, as long as you don't hurt other people with your selfishness, you're ace.
I wonder how much time I can waste not doing my essay.
Thursday, April 04, 2013
So open up your mind and see like me
Well, the retreat was amazing. But I suppose I shan't really bore you with the details.
I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.
For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.
So, just typical student-y stuff really.
I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?
Perhaps. Either one.
In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?
Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.
To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.
Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.
To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.
Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.
This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.
I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.
For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.
So, just typical student-y stuff really.
I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?
Perhaps. Either one.
In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?
Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.
To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.
Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.
To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.
Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.
This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Maybe I'm insane, cuz' I keep expecting that one day we will change
Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do.
It's like, I've been close to the heat, been burnt by the fire, but the bright flames keep attracting me back to its horrid core centre.
I honestly need to get a grip on things. I am in such a good place right now. I have plenty of amazing great friends, I'm doing alright in school, maintaining my 2:1 average, I'm actually happy, enjoying my stay here.
I don't want that to end. I think of the depression of the past and I don't want that. I want to be this happy for a while, hold on to that joy for as long as humanly possible.
No matter how much I want certain things to be different, or as they are, I can't have that. And I never will. So perhaps it's time I start accepting that.
I just hope that the Easter retreat will help to clarify this issue of mine. Once and for all. It's been dragging back and forth for a while. It should and needs to stop.
It's like, I've been close to the heat, been burnt by the fire, but the bright flames keep attracting me back to its horrid core centre.
I honestly need to get a grip on things. I am in such a good place right now. I have plenty of amazing great friends, I'm doing alright in school, maintaining my 2:1 average, I'm actually happy, enjoying my stay here.
I don't want that to end. I think of the depression of the past and I don't want that. I want to be this happy for a while, hold on to that joy for as long as humanly possible.
No matter how much I want certain things to be different, or as they are, I can't have that. And I never will. So perhaps it's time I start accepting that.
I just hope that the Easter retreat will help to clarify this issue of mine. Once and for all. It's been dragging back and forth for a while. It should and needs to stop.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Now and then when I see her face, it takes me away to that special place.
I love being busy. It just sucks up all your energy and you feel so satisfied with life.
But did I maybe take on a bit too much when I signed up for TWO LAC cases?
Maybe.
Oh well. I'm actually really really enjoying myself this semester. I'm loving Spanish classes to death. I enjoy researching on practical legal shit that I'll actually need to know. And classes are pretty manageable.
Completely loving land law like the geek I am. Only missed one lecture so far this semester. Amazing, init?
Education law is fine, but the lecturer is a tad dry so it does take a bit of getting used to.
Jurisprudence needs a bit of work. But nothing a day spent in the library tomorrow can't fix. Oh dear, I am SUCH a geek this semester.
But absolutely loving it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I'm going to kick until I need new shoes
Again it's another lonely valentine's.
Well, T's coming over and he asked me to be his valentine.
Thing is, I feel a little bad because I know he still likes me. And I *have* told him before that I don't like him in that way.. But we still talk and stuff, and he asked. And I have no one else.
I mean, how seriously desperate am I?
And mean, too. I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings and losing him as a friend.
With my busy schedule I honestly do wonder how I'm supposed to find someone. =/
Well, T's coming over and he asked me to be his valentine.
Thing is, I feel a little bad because I know he still likes me. And I *have* told him before that I don't like him in that way.. But we still talk and stuff, and he asked. And I have no one else.
I mean, how seriously desperate am I?
And mean, too. I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings and losing him as a friend.
With my busy schedule I honestly do wonder how I'm supposed to find someone. =/
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Never had much faith in love or miracles
I need to start on my reading for Jurisprudence soon. Heaven knows there's a lot I'm totally confused about. And I need to be on the ball this term. Between my time spent at the LAC, and with the added Spanish class under my belt, I really do need all the time I can to finish up as much revision as I can.
Plus, starting on my readings would mean that I can get all the nonsense 'I'm lonely' thoughts out of my head. Valentine's day is a horrible 'holiday' because it messes with you, no matter how much you don't want it to. You tell yourself it's just another day, but commercialisation and society tells you otherwise.
In the end, we're all just a bunch of fish in the sea, being moved by the large currents. We kinda get to swim on our own (because we have fins and gills) and so it gives us a false sense that we're truly the ones in control. But we're not, are we? We're being controlled by whatever society dictates is the right way to behave, or act, or just be. In this case, the proverbial large currents that bring us to goodness-knows-where.
Hmm, I suppose this ties in nicely with the idea in jurisprudence, that we're all merely beings with the end outcome of achieving peace. Somehow, that idea has become skewered over the years. What is dictated as peace now is not the peace that everyone has an idea of.
In fact, as society progresses, everyone's opinions, ideas, perspectives on life get shifted, and changed, and due to globalisation, we get different ideas of what is right, what we want, what life should entail. But in the end, we do what society tells us is right. And who is 'society'? Erm... it's us, isn't it.
Like one of those fucking bloody vicious cycles.
Haha, life sure can be entertaining.
Anyway, I shall get started on jurisprudence. I shall. I will. No, don't say otherwise, I will. Stop saying I won't!
Plus, starting on my readings would mean that I can get all the nonsense 'I'm lonely' thoughts out of my head. Valentine's day is a horrible 'holiday' because it messes with you, no matter how much you don't want it to. You tell yourself it's just another day, but commercialisation and society tells you otherwise.
In the end, we're all just a bunch of fish in the sea, being moved by the large currents. We kinda get to swim on our own (because we have fins and gills) and so it gives us a false sense that we're truly the ones in control. But we're not, are we? We're being controlled by whatever society dictates is the right way to behave, or act, or just be. In this case, the proverbial large currents that bring us to goodness-knows-where.
Hmm, I suppose this ties in nicely with the idea in jurisprudence, that we're all merely beings with the end outcome of achieving peace. Somehow, that idea has become skewered over the years. What is dictated as peace now is not the peace that everyone has an idea of.
In fact, as society progresses, everyone's opinions, ideas, perspectives on life get shifted, and changed, and due to globalisation, we get different ideas of what is right, what we want, what life should entail. But in the end, we do what society tells us is right. And who is 'society'? Erm... it's us, isn't it.
Like one of those fucking bloody vicious cycles.
Haha, life sure can be entertaining.
Anyway, I shall get started on jurisprudence. I shall. I will. No, don't say otherwise, I will. Stop saying I won't!
Friday, February 08, 2013
There's another conversation going on
I don't even know why I'm so upset. I suppose it's mostly because I honestly thought he was one of the good guys.
And of course, he didn't mean to hurt me. And I suppose he was just trying to be honest. But it still hurt.
What I want is to just give up on the idea of love. To stop believing in it.
Why should I? Why should I bother to find someone who'd stop treating me like something they can play with? Do I really look like I'm so hard-hearted that my feelings will never get hurt?
I suppose, in that regard, I have my parents to thank. For all their nonsense, their flaws, their crazy shit, they found each other. And even though they bitch, moan, fight and scream at each other, I know that they still love the other.
And I want that. And that's why I fight on.
In the meantime, I shall have to be patient. Trust me when I say it's taking every ounce of me not to just throw myself into a pit of depression.
Speaking of which,
It's also taking every ounce of me not to break a few necks and step on some people.
I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised that having a blog would one day come back to bite me in the ass. I guess people just need something to talk about, and no matter how much you want to avoid it, it just happens.
I'm really not upset about what I've heard. I could be. And I suppose it would be very easy to be. But I'm nothing if not smart, and I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't see this coming, especially after some stranger started questioning me about my blog a while back.
In the end, I suppose it's not possible to control what people think and say about you. I just know that as long as the people that matter understand the full story, I answer to no one else.
I could say right now that I hope people just read my blog and understand that what I write here is just a way to express my inner most thoughts. But of course, whatever I say doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, people just take what they read at face value. I won't lie, I'm guilty of that too sometimes.
I bitch constantly about people. And trust me, it can be fun. And the stuff I learn about some people (which of course I shan't name or describe) can be quite eye-opening. So I suppose it's just karma that I get bitched about too.
In the end, it's just a huge game of who can be the biggest bitch. ;)
And of course, he didn't mean to hurt me. And I suppose he was just trying to be honest. But it still hurt.
What I want is to just give up on the idea of love. To stop believing in it.
Why should I? Why should I bother to find someone who'd stop treating me like something they can play with? Do I really look like I'm so hard-hearted that my feelings will never get hurt?
I suppose, in that regard, I have my parents to thank. For all their nonsense, their flaws, their crazy shit, they found each other. And even though they bitch, moan, fight and scream at each other, I know that they still love the other.
And I want that. And that's why I fight on.
In the meantime, I shall have to be patient. Trust me when I say it's taking every ounce of me not to just throw myself into a pit of depression.
Speaking of which,
It's also taking every ounce of me not to break a few necks and step on some people.
I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised that having a blog would one day come back to bite me in the ass. I guess people just need something to talk about, and no matter how much you want to avoid it, it just happens.
I'm really not upset about what I've heard. I could be. And I suppose it would be very easy to be. But I'm nothing if not smart, and I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't see this coming, especially after some stranger started questioning me about my blog a while back.
In the end, I suppose it's not possible to control what people think and say about you. I just know that as long as the people that matter understand the full story, I answer to no one else.
I could say right now that I hope people just read my blog and understand that what I write here is just a way to express my inner most thoughts. But of course, whatever I say doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, people just take what they read at face value. I won't lie, I'm guilty of that too sometimes.
I bitch constantly about people. And trust me, it can be fun. And the stuff I learn about some people (which of course I shan't name or describe) can be quite eye-opening. So I suppose it's just karma that I get bitched about too.
In the end, it's just a huge game of who can be the biggest bitch. ;)
Monday, February 04, 2013
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