So open up your mind and see like me

Well, the retreat was amazing. But I suppose I shan't really bore you with the details.

I think one of the only reasons why I'm blogging tonight is due to pure procrastination. Somehow, my mind is refusing to function after 11pm. So here I am.

For the most part, I'm just drowned in readings and stuff. And getting a bit worried for the exams. And my deadlines.

So, just typical student-y stuff really.

I think my mind has been cleared of most of its fetters. It honestly seems to me that the only fetters left are the ones I can't bear to clean away. Perhaps due to the tiniest shroud of hope? Or desperation?

Perhaps. Either one.

In any case, I think I'm trying to pray more. Let him guide me through. He's been doing a pretty good job so far, I've not really had much problems at this moment. Just one or two tiny annoyances, nothing major. So perhaps I'm waiting for the next catastrophe to happen?

Whatever it is... I'm sure I'm more than strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.

To be fair though, I'm so glad that I've found hope in prayer again. For a while there, prayer was becoming nothing more than meaningless words. Sentences that floated by on a sheet of paper. I was basically just reading off words for the sake of reading them off and getting to the next paragraph.

Now I realise how important quiet time is. And how much trust I need in him. How much I need to live my life, not for myself, but for others.

To be honest, that part still confuses me. I suppose for the most part because I'm naturally self-centred. I will try though. Because I have come across so many people who have touched me with their actions, words, and kindness. And I would want to strive to do the same.

Okay, what was supposed to be a short little update in the ever increasing blog in which I choke and vomit and slur out all my ramblings has now become a full-on rattling.

This Saturday I'm off to Blackpool. It should be fun. And after that, I may need to clear out more fetters. Who knows? I don't. That's why I pray.

Maybe I'm insane, cuz' I keep expecting that one day we will change

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do.

It's like, I've been close to the heat, been burnt by the fire, but the bright flames keep attracting me back to its horrid core centre.

I honestly need to get a grip on things. I am in such a good place right now. I have plenty of amazing great friends, I'm doing alright in school, maintaining my 2:1 average, I'm actually happy, enjoying my stay here.

I don't want that to end. I think of the depression of the past and I don't want that. I want to be this happy for a while, hold on to that joy for as long as humanly possible.

No matter how much I want certain things to be different, or as they are, I can't have that. And I never will. So perhaps it's time I start accepting that.

I just hope that the Easter retreat will help to clarify this issue of mine. Once and for all. It's been dragging back and forth for a while. It should and needs to stop.

Now and then when I see her face, it takes me away to that special place.

I love being busy. It just sucks up all your energy and you feel so satisfied with life.

But did I maybe take on a bit too much when I signed up for TWO LAC cases?

Maybe.

Oh well. I'm actually really really enjoying myself this semester. I'm loving Spanish classes to death. I enjoy researching on practical legal shit that I'll actually need to know. And classes are pretty manageable.

Completely loving land law like the geek I am. Only missed one lecture so far this semester. Amazing, init?

Education law is fine, but the lecturer is a tad dry so it does take a bit of getting used to.

Jurisprudence needs a bit of work. But nothing a day spent in the library tomorrow can't fix. Oh dear, I am SUCH a geek this semester.

But absolutely loving it.

I'm going to kick until I need new shoes

Again it's another lonely valentine's.

Well, T's coming over and he asked me to be his valentine.

Thing is, I feel a little bad because I know he still likes me. And I *have* told him before that I don't like him in that way.. But we still talk and stuff, and he asked. And I have no one else.

I mean, how seriously desperate am I?

And mean, too. I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings and losing him as a friend.

With my busy schedule I honestly do wonder how I'm supposed to find someone. =/

Never had much faith in love or miracles

I need to start on my reading for Jurisprudence soon. Heaven knows there's a lot I'm totally confused about. And I need to be on the ball this term. Between my time spent at the LAC, and with the added Spanish class under my belt, I really do need all the time I can to finish up as much revision as I can.

Plus, starting on my readings would mean that I can get all the nonsense 'I'm lonely' thoughts out of my head. Valentine's day is a horrible 'holiday' because it messes with you, no matter how much you don't want it to. You tell yourself it's just another day, but commercialisation and society tells you otherwise.

In the end, we're all just a bunch of fish in the sea, being moved by the large currents. We kinda get to swim on our own (because we have fins and gills) and so it gives us a false sense that we're truly the ones in control. But we're not, are we? We're being controlled by whatever society dictates is the right way to behave, or act, or just be. In this case, the proverbial large currents that bring us to goodness-knows-where.

Hmm, I suppose this ties in nicely with the idea in jurisprudence, that we're all merely beings with the end outcome of achieving peace. Somehow, that idea has become skewered over the years. What is dictated as peace now is not the peace that everyone has an idea of.

In fact, as society progresses, everyone's opinions, ideas, perspectives on life get shifted, and changed, and due to globalisation, we get different ideas of what is right, what we want, what life should entail. But in the end, we do what society tells us is right. And who is 'society'? Erm... it's us, isn't it.

Like one of those fucking bloody vicious cycles.

Haha, life sure can be entertaining.

Anyway, I shall get started on jurisprudence. I shall. I will. No, don't say otherwise, I will. Stop saying I won't!

There's another conversation going on

I don't even know why I'm so upset. I suppose it's mostly because I honestly thought he was one of the good guys.

And of course, he didn't mean to hurt me. And I suppose he was just trying to be honest. But it still hurt.

What I want is to just give up on the idea of love. To stop believing in it.

Why should I? Why should I bother to find someone who'd stop treating me like something they can play with? Do I really look like I'm so hard-hearted that my feelings will never get hurt?

I suppose, in that regard, I have my parents to thank. For all their nonsense, their flaws, their crazy shit, they found each other. And even though they bitch, moan, fight and scream at each other, I know that they still love the other.

And I want that. And that's why I fight on.

In the meantime, I shall have to be patient. Trust me when I say it's taking every ounce of me not to just throw myself into a pit of depression.

Speaking of which,

It's also taking every ounce of me not to break a few necks and step on some people.

I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised that having a blog would one day come back to bite me in the ass. I guess people just need something to talk about, and no matter how much you want to avoid it, it just happens.

I'm really not upset about what I've heard. I could be. And I suppose it would be very easy to be. But I'm nothing if not smart, and I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't see this coming, especially after some stranger started questioning me about my blog a while back.

In the end, I suppose it's not possible to control what people think and say about you. I just know that as long as the people that matter understand the full story, I answer to no one else.

I could say right now that I hope people just read my blog and understand that what I write here is just a way to express my inner most thoughts. But of course, whatever I say doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, people just take what they read at face value. I won't lie, I'm guilty of that too sometimes.

I bitch constantly about people. And trust me, it can be fun. And the stuff I learn about some people (which of course I shan't name or describe) can be quite eye-opening. So I suppose it's just karma that I get bitched about too.

In the end, it's just a huge game of who can be the biggest bitch. ;)

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Let's see if this goes well.

Let's see.

Hmm.

Come out with things unsaid,

I suppose I'm back at square one. A-gain.

It just seems like a never-ending battle for me. But I suppose at the end of the day, it's my own fault for not being more discerning.

Okay so right now, I have too many things in my life to look forward to, so I'm not really gonna dwell on this too much.

Just keep my chin up and walk on through.

I'll be fine. :)

Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18.

I do think I think too much.

(^LOL)

Mally is back from Jordan which made me kinda exciting because I can't wait to see him again.

But maybe he doesn't feel the same way?

When I told Kammy, she replied with 'I thought you said he was shy?'

Yeah okay, she was right. But I mean... I'd at least he'd be a bit more excited to talk to me?

Maybe he's just really busy. After all, he has a lot of work to catch up with.

Okay, I really need to stop being all.... crazy.

Even if he only wants to be friends, he's a really nice guy so I wouldn't mind being friends.

Maybe.

Okay, 9am in the morning is a crazy time for me. =/

We found love in a hopeless place

The title of my blog is 'Write With Songs'. This is because all of my post titles are lyrics from songs. At least for the last couple of years. (Maybe since 2010?)

Sometimes, it's a line that seems to fit with my current mood, or the current theme of the post. Most of the time though, it's what I happen to be listening to while writing the post. Or whatever I have stuck in my head. And hence, that's why, today's title is such.

I really am not a huge fan of Rihanna. But this song's in Calvin Harris' new album and it's on repeat right now.

I do love a lot of genres of music. From jazz, to pop, to rock, to indie, to the 'oldies'.

Anyway, tomorrow, I fly back home.

It's been an extremely fun holiday back. I got to finally meet my adorable niece and The Usuals were all reunited for a record-breaking number of times since we all went our separate ways.

I can't wait to be back in the UK and see what lies in store for me. :)

These are the good old days.

An early 21st birthday celebration. :)

And a puke-stained blanket to show for it. :(

Who's gonna save the world tonight?

Firstly, I would like to wish everyone reading this a very happy New Year. It's 2013, everyone! You know what this means, right???? Yeah, no, I don't either.

Well, I'm sure the new year will bring with it joy and everything else.

I just finished my application to Linklaters for their summer programme. Here's my fingers crossed that I do manage to get a place. I realise it's wayy too competitive but at least I try.

I've got plenty of other applications to complete, 4 of which I need to do before I return home. The rest I can wait till my exams are over before I start them.

It's pretty tedious though. Most of the form is the same. But because there is no copy and paste option, I have to fill it in manually, one by one.

In other news, I'm getting extremely excited for my birthday party on Saturday. It's gearing up to be quite a night. Plenty of my good friends are scheduled to arrive. And of course, the lunch affair with my  family. Right. Well, I better get started on my exam revision proper.

I'm back in the UK in less than 2 weeks. That's really quick. :O (I made the mistake of adding a 'yay' behind that statement in front of my mum and she got kinda annoyed.)

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I'm editing this at 9.30pm Singapore time. (My blog's still in UK time soo.... yeah.)

I'm halfway through studying express trusts and I've been taking too many breaks in between.

Anyway, I realise I forgot to write this down. So future me can see this. (And when I say future me, I mean the me in a few weeks' time.) I've decided that it's probably a waste of time with M. I mean, a few messages on Christmas day and that was it. After that, nothing. I mean, if someone really liked you, he'd kinda try to show it, wouldn't he? At least a message on New Year's Day or something. So I say I'll give him a chance... But after that... nothing. So, I mean, really. What did you think a chance meant? That I was going to jump into your arms? You wanted that chance, so obviously you're gonna have to work for it.

You see, that's what really puzzles me about M more than anything. I really, really cannot understand him. In other ways, he is a really nice guy. Good looking, sweet, blah blah. But he seems to be shooting mixed signals all over the place. The first period of a budding relationship should not be so difficult. It's sweet, and you get to know one another, and you go on dates, and feelings start to blossom. And you like the other person a lot, so you know it might turn into something. With M, I do still like him a bit. Although, not as much as before, definitely. When he texts me, he's like this super sweet guy. All his words are coated in sugar and frosting, and he only has words of adoration. But then, nothing. Just. Completely ignores me. No texts, no calls. Like it doesn't matter that he doesn't text or call, or even that I don't text or call.

Okay, here's me admitting that, like every other girl, I do get happy, maybe even excited, when the guy I like texts me. But how I (and most girls) know he really likes me, is when he can't go on long without texting again. And again. (And obviously, if I like him, I reply.) Which, in this case, M doesn't do. So hmm.. does he like me? Or not? Somehow I get the feeling that perhaps he just wanted another chance because he just wanted to date someone, anyone. He told me that he wanted a life outside of work. Maybe at that point in time, I was the only option. Well, if that's the case I don't blame him, and I'm not mad at him, but I'm definitely not gonna waste my time with him. And I hope he finds someone nice to 'have a life outside work' with. lol.