It's never too late

As a child, I was brought up to be responsible for my actions. All my actions had consequences, consequences that I had to deal with, learn from.

I read 'The Rape of Nanking' as a young teenager. The parts that captured my attention and stuck with me were obviously those of the atrocious war crimes that the Japanese committed against the Chinese. The horror stories of the rapes, the massacres, the bloodshed... They opened my eyes to the possibility that although we are a species built with reason, our baser instincts involve nothing more than a power struggle and it truly does boil down to the 'survival of the fittest' in times of despair and hardship.

Today, I picked up the book again. Probably an after-effect of watching 'City of Way - The Story of John Rabe'. I've always been a bit of a WW2 buff. Both of the European and Asian side. History has always fascinated me in a way that people also do. To be able to understand why some people did what they did would perhaps shed some light on things that we in today's context should and shouldn't do. However, history is also bound to repeat itself; something that only increases its worth.

So, I've only barely scraped through the introduction when I realised the most important point of this book. Something that probably enters and flew from my mind at similar rates all those years ago when I first glanced at the book's title. It irritates me to no end that even up to this day, the Japanese are denying the atrocities that they have committed.

Why do we, as an ENTIRE world, let them get away with it? I understand that the past is in the past, and truly, it should remain there for all intents and purposes, but can this truly be morally acceptable?

Of course, the question I pose is a hypothetical one. I know the answer to the first question. It is simply: Politics. The word of fuel that runs the entire world, the only word capable of praising, insulting, killing, bringing hope, bringing life, bringing anger, pain and suffering.

As our species evolved, we developed systems, and structures, and rules. And we claim that these structures will help us to rule better. But perhaps, now we should realise that the structures are ruling us.

70 years. The time period between now and when the first inklings of war started to loom over the heads of our ancestors is now an old man. An old man who is supposed to have garnered wisdom and passed down ideas and stories to his children and grandchildren, hoping they'll learn from him, in good and bad ways, repeating the good, remembering the bad. And yet, this 'old man' hasn't learnt a single good thing. This 'old man' will continue to live in constant denial, teaching his children and his children's children that it is alright to do bad things to people. For as long as you do good things for other people, the bad things will not seem so bad, and you and the people for whom you did good deeds shall live in peace and harmony. And the people to whom you have wronged? Well, fuck 'em.

So congratulations. We live in a world that is in itself hypocritical and full of sketchy morals that only hold true if and when it is convenient. Every human being is the same. Inside, we are all self-serving. We only do things if we know there will be benefits. We're not idiots. That's how we survive. And in the end, perhaps, that's the same thing that will kill us all.

Which way is right, which way is wrong

I do apologise for the lack of posts lately. There's a pattern, you see. Blogging tends to be something to occupy my time with, something that I've been spreading out between spending precious time with friends and watching back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones.

Of course, I say this with the assumption that people are following my blog. Or perhaps you're just a random wanderer into the abyss that I associate with my life. Either way, I welcome you.

I just read a post by a very angry Singaporean. She's around my age. Studied overseas too. Seems pretty bright. Her only vice, as far as I can tell from one post, is that she's just a little... self-righteous? I don't really know which word best describes her. Oh, and before I go on, I honestly am not about to start taking the piss. A lot of her points are very valid. But she's also very angry and sort of gives the impression that she expected a life different from the one she grew up with.

Okay. Let's give a bit of background.

In a nutshell, she talks about how upset she is with the Singapore Government because it's too restrictive and conservative. I don't disagree with her. Singapore is a small country and because of its size, it's kinda easier to control than say, the United Kingdom, or even the state of Texas. This sometimes means it's easier for 'daddy' to say 'JUMP', and you better say 'how high?'. But is it really that terrible?

My time spent overseas initially led me to the same response she publicly aired. 'The Singapore govt is WAYYY too restrictive! I can do so many things in the UK and no one judges me here!' 'Drugs? Oh, come on! It's bad, yes. But I can't believe how much the govt has been exaggerating on its effects. You honestly have to be *that* stupid to be a druggie.' 'I can't believe I got free medicine and health checks. And I'm not even a UK citizen. Singapore's healthcare is way too expensive for its own good.'

Sometimes, living in Singapore *can* be a bitch. Prices of public transport make you want to kill yourself, if the weather doesn't kill you first. (It's hot and humid all the time. ESPECIALLY after it rains. Something I know can be explained by science but I *still* can't comprehend.) Public transport also stops after 1am (or sometimes, even earlier.) This means the only way home is by taxi. Something you don't want to even think about when you're broke. Woes of the fast-paced, competitive world of working are shared by many. And ohh, I'm so upset. Shall we have a pint? WHAT THE FUCK? A FUCKING PINT COSTS $12?!

These are but some of the displeasures of living in the lion city.

But, listen. Singapore isn't a horrible place to live in. To be honest, I thought for a while about permanently moving to the UK. It's still an option, depending on how next year goes. But the option to remain living here is still on my list, not wavering yet.
It's still extremely safe here. In how many places in the world can you honestly say will not pose any harm if you decide for some God-forsaken reason to walk out alone at 3 in the morning? (Perhaps you decided to fuck all taxis and their midnight surcharges.) Yes, there is still crime here, but it remains at a low rate because for the most part, people don't see the need to pillage.

The heat. It can be a good thing. People don't really die from heat strokes here. Of course, there will be cases of people who *have*, but compare that to the number of people who have died from cold-related diseases in other countries?

Also, poor people are better off here because they don't need clothes for all four seasons. In fact, walk around in a tank and shorts every day in your life and no one (except perhaps concerned friends and relatives) will bat an eyelid.

Okay. Erm... the Singapore Government... I won't defend them. I mean, we've had no threats or wars, so we can't honestly tell if they're doing a fantastic job of leading the country. So far, my political views are that if you haven't been in the fields with the people, ploughing away, you have no right to tell anyone that this hoe will yield better crops because some dickhead with a clipboard told you so.

Anyway, I'll try to sum up. I won't lie and tell you that living in Singapore is easy. In fact, I do agree that Singaporeans tend not to speak out against any authority in fear of retaliation. And in Singapore, it's not that easy to hide. Did I mention how small we were?

But the winds of change have come. More and more people are starting to recognise that as humans, we do deserve to speak. Putting a title in front of your name doesn't make you any more smarter or worthy than anyone else in the aforementioned fields.

I honestly think that people shouldn't completely give up on Singapore as a horrid place to work and live in. The future will be interesting. Perhaps things will change. We are after all, toddlers in this world. Such a young nation.

But you know what? If you wanna do something more, join something. Be part of something more. We as a generation should try to change the perspective that we're just followers of the dictatorship.

Anyway, reading the girl's post didn't really anger me. It just got me thinking. If the government gets to read all these little treasonous posts (mine included, I suppose.), what would they honestly do? Run to the courts shouting 'TREACHERY', rounding all the 'rebels'?

I think I've been watching too much Game of Thrones.

Tides that I've tried to swim against

If there would be only one concert I could go for for the rest of my life, it would be Coldplay. It's such an amazing experience like you wouldn't believe.

I'm so lucky I got to experience it once in my life.

"I swam across, I jumped across for you."

In other news, I can't wait for the view counter to go up to 2012 because that would be cool, innit?

I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way

It's been a crazy two weeks.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.

I suppose, for the most part, you may just go to my facebook page to see pictures on what I've been doing since I last decided to blog.

First of all, it was a massive hassle trying to enter my google account again (where I blog from) and I had to switch my SIM cards here and there.... anyway, bottom line is, I'm here and typing and all is well.

A lot of things have happened over the last two weeks. First of all, my little infatuation thing has mellowed a LOT. It just turned out that, as always, it was just a bit of infatuation that didn't amount to anything.

Secondly, I finally have a home for next year. To be honest, it's a bit pricey. And I feel SOOOO bad for my mother who has to finance me through it. But I mean, in the end, I *will* make it up to her. I have to. And I want to. And I will.

It feels strange being home.

My life from a year ago has just slipped back in like it never went away. Suddenly, the fridge is ALWAYS stocked (which is horrible news for my figure. :'( ), someone is there to clean up after me, do my laundry, cook for me, and well, my freedom is suddenly restricted in the sense that I feel accountable to someone.

The best part about this entire thing is that I get the car a lot more now. Of course, in saying that, I'm meeting Vonny and Ping tonight for dinner but my parents need the car for church. :'(

Anyway, I'll be heading off to Korea again in a few days. I'm honestly a little sick of traveling, but I suppose the little theme park-shopping break will be something to look forward to.

In other news, I went into my brother's room and LO AND BEHOLD! Another girl MY AGE. Oh dear GOD. NOT AGAINNNNN. =/

So don't delay, act now. Supplies are running out.

This is a short post to commemorate my 1888th visitor to this blog!

Congratulations! This is a very lucky number in Chinese culture. :)

Of course since I don't know who you are, and you probably don't either, to be fair this is a pretty useless congratulation.

Anyway, it's ONE MORE DAY TO FREEDOM.

Club, booze, dancing and crazy-ass last week in Manchester, here I come! <3

I want something else to get me through this life

Second post of the day! I don't normally do this, really.

But I'm a bit tired from doing work and this is my break.

I wonder if I will ever figure out what goes on in the mind of men.

Of course, in the same way that guys will never be able to figure us out, I suppose it's fair to say we will always be playing this game of 'He said WHAT?!'

It's just a bit annoying because I thought I already kinda made my peace with the fact that he probably doesn't like me, at least not in that way.

And then he comes right back and says things that make my heart go 'ba DUM. ba DUM.'

A part of me obviously wishes he'll come right out and say it, whether it be a bump into the pit of Friend Zone, or a slide into the realm of 'potential girlfriend'.

But with everything in life, it's often not straight-forward and hazard-free.

So here I am, contemplating the last snippets of our conversation like a 15-year-old teenager.

Remember in the last week or so, I posted something about being able to have the feeling of infatuation? Yes, that's the one. Even with all the uncertainty I'm feeling now, you know what? It's a good uncertain. Like, in a way, there's no bad side to this. It's something cutesy that may or may not turn into something more.

And if it doesn't turn into anything? Then there you go. I suppose I'll move on.

Hmm...

Life is hilarious, really.

And sometimes, it's just mean.

I'd rather be a comma than a full-stop

I honestly don't wish to be mean, but this is something I've been wondering for a while now.

(This post isn't a finger pointing at any particular person, just so you know.)

Why bother coming to another country to study if you're not planning to experience the culture?

I mean, silly excuses sound like bullshit to me, to be honest. So at the end of the day, why don't you just pack up your bags and move to another time in your comfort zone? I mean, why pay so much just to live like hermits?

=/

Remember all those times I was hoping for something

The stupid things I've done in the last 2-3 days include:

- Almost drinking my saline solution, thinking it was water. I'm NOT kidding. I had unscrewed the cap and had the tip *this* close to my lips.
- While drinking hot coffee, I didn't realise the cap wasn't locked in properly and it took me a full 2 seconds to realise that hot coffee was spilling down my shirt.
- Pouring a generous dollop of HAIR CONDITIONER onto my body in the shower and started scrubbing, and then going 'WTF AM I DOING?!'
- Missed my train from London because I miscalculated the time and had to pay £50 for another ticket.

I think I'm turning more stupid by the day.

In other news...

I'm feeling so groggy and am in no mood to do work.

I don't really know why. It's probably just one of those days...

Everyone's telling me to be patient. Things will happen when they happen.

But I can't help but want time to move faster and things to happen quicker. Isn't it time for my happy ending? Of course, in saying that, there's no guarantee that this will indeed be a happy ending. All I'm saying is, I've been so sad for so long, perhaps it's time I become a bit happier.

Okay, the last statement was just of me being a brat.

To be honest, my life is going pretty great now. I was on the train to London yesterday thinking about how great my life actually is.

Of course, being human, I wish it was better. I wish I could easily tell him that I like him. I wish he could say it back.

I'm just glad that after next week, I'll get to spend that bit more time with him, and we'll see how things go.

Why am I in such a hurry to grow up so fast? I don't think I am. I was forced into this corner of which I can't get out of. Well, I did walk some of the way there myself... But the point is, I'm here now. And I wanna believe that this corner isn't all that it is.

I wanna believe that love exists. That someone truly wants to be with me, baggage included.

... ... ...

I truly and honestly can't wait for next week.

Truth of the matter is, I'm complicated.

So. My exam is tomorrow. And yet, after that, I'm still not done. Which is pissing me off. On the other hand, my summer plans are drawing nearer and nearer, so that's fun.

I was up till 4 hanging at Mark's yesterday. Walked home in shorts and a thin adidas jacket for protection. Thank God it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be.

The sky was kinda pretty as I was walking back. I was tired, but in a good mood.

Was so tempted to watch the sunrise, but my bed boasted a tougher beckon.

Hmm.

I wonder what this feeling is bubbling inside.

By the way, I tried to say I'd be there

I need to rethink what exactly is it I'm doing in life.

I need to realise that I am worthy of respect and that if I don't treat myself with some respect, no one has a reason to.

This is our fate

So I've finally completed my MOE Relief Teacher application, at the expense of actually doing any studying.

If all goes well and what my dad says is true, I'll be headed towards a $100 a day income for 2 months! Of course, that's subjected to taxes and CPF. :'(

Anyway, looks like my summer's pretty much kinda planned out now.

He's everything you want, he's everything you need.

Okay, the criminal law paper went alright. Hopefully I did well, but I don't know...

Anyway, let's move that aside because obviously you won't be too interested in what I have to say about my law exams.

It's difficult to say what I'm about to say for a multitude of reasons, most of which I don't really wish to spell out here.

Firstly, I don't know if I like him or not. I suppose I'll know when I know but I suppose for the most part, it's a little annoying.

I'm 20. The whole game of 'oohh does he like me?' should be over, shouldn't it? Or maybe it just never stops.

On Facebook, I read the little bits about those younger, or of the same age as I. It's sweet. The usual, 'I feel confused because I think I like him', or 'Ahh! He hugged me today!'

Sometimes I wish I was like that again. I remember the crushes I had when I was in my early teens. I felt so confused, nervous around my crushes... Always wondering when I'd see them next... Writing on my blog (which I'm pretty sure if you go to my archive, will all be there in full glory for your viewing pleasure.)

And now it's like. I've grown past that. I mean... I haven't had a proper crush since I was 17. And no, Ian Somerhalder doesn't count. When he realises that I'm the one missing from his life, he'll know.

Anyway, minor celebrity infatuation aside, I see guys and they're immediately slotted into categories now. Well, to be fair, I don't know if I've been doing that all along...

But that aside, I suppose I have grown up. I mean, I don't go all giddy now. But again, maybe that's because I don't actually have a crush.

I wonder if maybe I should start looking for a relationship. But I'm still so young! And then I think, what if I start working and there's no time to find someone! Shouldn't I start now, then?

Oh gosh. It's like, headaches and problems and, yeah, well, you know..

In a way, I like my single status now. I'm having fun and I report to no one.

But then... that's not a very fulfilling life now, is it.

I could meet guy after guy, flirt my way through throngs of them, and after that what?

Yeah okay. Anyway, I'm making shepherd's pie tonight again.