So dance like it's the last night of your life.

It seems so surreal that the past two years of burying my nose in books have been reduced to three weeks of unbelievable, completely-exaggerated torture.

Then again, time seems to pass so fast, I'm sitting on a park bench in the middle of the pathway they call life wondering what ever happened to the second-hand on the clock.

And of course, when the torture ends, the credit card comes out and I'm swiping it at so many different outlets, I can't keep track.

Then I shrug and smile sheepishly as my bill comes in a sharp, flat white envelope.

In other news,

I plan to redesign my blog skin.

Watch as I bulldoze my way through the Christmas holidays!

It takes two.

I lost my baby today. The best present I have ever gotten. Such a useful tool. It was my own to use, personalise. I lost it to a guy who would never appreciate it like I did.

I can't believe it's gone. It's all my fault. Why did I do it??

Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor.

I am so exhausted so I'll probably call it a night.

Before that, however, I wanted to write a little something that I want to remember as the years go by.

I was a bit desolate of late and went to consult Joan. Today, I went to look at my grades and realised that I did pretty alright I guess. DEFINITELY needs improvement, but I don't feel demoralised anymore.

Over SMS, I told my dear BFF that my grades spelt 'BE SAD'.

She told me it was probably a message from God.

I was confused as to why God wanted me to continue living in desolation.

Her reply was that God wanted me to look at my grades, feel the regret for a bit, then move on to score really well for my A's. He wanted to write 'GOOD JOB', but that was not possible. He had to be creative.
 :)

I love Joan. :)))

She used to be a pearl.

I don't know why I'm crying. The tears just keep running down my sullen cheeks.

I think it's because, after 18 years, you'd expect my parents to stop acting like no one else exists.

My dad. He can be such a monster. No one talks to him because they'll either cry or blow a fuse.

I don't know what his problem is. Sometimes I feel like I have to stand up for him because everyone's completely pissed at him and I don't like that cuz' he's still my dad. And he does all these things like pick out the boneless parts of the fish for me and pick me up from various places. And I also try to remember that he's always there for me and that he loves me so much.

So why do I feel like he's changed. Like he's so mean to everyone now. He constantly blows his top off. He made my brother yell. No one has ever made my brother yell. My brother does not yell.

Why do I feel like sometimes, I don't have a daddy I can talk to. And he hurts my mum.

And she cries. And he continues not to see that it doesn't matter whether he's right or not. It's how everyone feels. And they feel like shit. And they keep fighting. And my mum said she wants to leave him. If she could, she would.

I think the only thing keeping them together is the catholic faith. And it's not even like a 'the faith keeps us together' thing. It's a 'I'm catholic. They said no divorces. Damn.' thing.

So what is the point of staying together if you hurt so much? I'm not questioning God here... but I wish he could help. I'm just so tired of constantly putting up a front. Brother said to talk to him. But I'm scared. He doesn't see me as a grown-up daughter, I'm still a kid. In his eyes. I'll never be anything more.

I keep praying to God for things. I don't even deserve them. I'm probably one of the worst catholics in the world now. And I still keep asking him for stuff. It's like I think he's santa claus.

I can't face anyone anymore. I'm trying... but I keep giving in to the bad things. And I'm still hurting for all the pain. And my family isn't as strong as it used to be. And I'm so scared everything will just crumble. And I will have no more of anything.

I'm so scared. You don't know how scared I am. I want to talk to someone... but I don't think I deserve that pleasure.

We can go if you want to, we can leave your friends behind.

So I decided to give a short piece today. In case I don't get to. Ever.

School was pretty fun. I mean, sure, I spent, like, ONE good productive hour in it, but it really wasn't that bad.

I took the attendance today, which made me feel quite important. :DDD (Oh Gosh, how the small things please me..)

ELEVEN of us came today. Which was like, WOAH. But it was actually SO much more fun having a small class.

We took over a TA class and made them scram (HAHA) and then played music while finishing our cards for the teachers.

Got displaced. Because apparently.... lessons are still going on... (IT'S STAFF DAY PEOPLE!!) But it didn't matter much. We went round giving out our cards.

First was Miss Wong. We crashed her session with her class and presented our card. And when she came out of the class, my mouth opened and I went, "Happy Birthd-" And of course, everyone in her class heard. Because the amplitude of my voice is unfortunately comparable with those of jet planes. And after Miss Wong went back into the room, echos of the 'Happy birthday' song could be heard.

After that, my class sang Happy Birthday to all the teachers. (Ms Kwan, Mr Low and Ms Li.) And they called it the Law of Steph. Which states that One must sing Happy Birthday for a teacher on Teachers' Day. The assumptions are: 1. It must not be a teacher's actual birthday. 2. The teacher is present to hear it.

I had fun annoying ZY, as usual. Taking apart his wallet to his dismay.

The concert was.... Well, as far as school concerts go, I probably had better. But the point was, cute boy. :DD 'Nuff said.

Anyway, I really really like my class. I think I don't mention it enough. From my initial apprehensions, I now really have a class that I feel so belonged in. And that I love. I haven't had that since Primary 6 Frangipani.

A special shoutout to Huang Huiling who is turning 18 on the 7th of September. I know you love us. We love you too. Enjoy the scrapbook! :) (All the hard work was worth it when she teared in joy. :D)

And hugs to my girls (Janice, Ping, Vonne and Wen) and the annoying boys who have apparently made me the centre of bullying since Vonne wasn't there. (ZY, Henry, Oliver, Che Xuan.)

I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound.

Joan and I were discussing about our futures. It's fun to talk about what may happen in 10 years or so. Maybe the little patter of feet will grace our ears.

Anyway, it's the national day holiday tomorrow, so I decided to stay up a little late and do up this little 'Godparent' chart for memories' sake.

Isn't this awesome?

Lunatic for a god or a God for a lunatic.

EEE. I have Eye Candy. HAHAHAHA.

I like how we see each other a lot. HAHAHA.

God, I am SUCH a girl.

Well, with the crazy THING happening to me, I need distractions.

Thanks, cute boy!

You can't escape my private eyes

Okay. I'm not normally a bitch. So I really do feel bad. For the repercussions of my actions. I apologise.
I also need to say... I do forgive you, but you don't have my trust anymore. I'm sorry. It's too crazy for me, so while I wanna remain friends with you, you gotta earn my trust.

Okay. I'm sorry. I tried. I thought I could do it. I can't. It would be better if we don't speak. Yup. Until I decide you deserve to direct words to me.

(Edited on 06.08.2010)
On another note, I missed hanging out with Azzy and Kenny. (HAHAHA. I'm so gonna call him Kenny to annoy him.)

They shop like GIRLS. Except they have NO clue what to buy. Gosh.

And they haven't stopped being annoying. Which is endearing because they can get really stupid and crazy and it's fun, whether or not I ever admit it to them.

Silly boys. HAHA. Them and their weefies.

The topic of the day was 'Everything you do changes your life.'

They would scream, 'STOP STEPH. DOING THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!' at random intervals.

And they wanted to publish a book on it. And win the Nobel Prize with the one million dollars.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that they already have a book on it. Books, actually. It's called the 'butterfly effect' and basically encompassed all they mentioned.

But I didn't dare ruin their fun.

Oh god. Tomorrow's gonna be a nightmare.

Honesty is what you need

Okay. I wrote quite a bit... apparently blogger decided to be a little annoying.

No matter. This isn't really a angsty, kill-me-now post.

But let me start with something simple, if just to let this post run smoothly..

I told my class girls about my eye candy. And of course, because they are so cute and weird all at once, they giggle every time he passes by now.

Or tug on my shirt relentlessly. Or whack me on the arm, making odd noises. Or raise an eyebrow and give a wry grin.

I really do love their antics, no matter how annoying they can get. They are really sweet, which is the bottom line so we'll leave it at that.

Anyway, I got myself out of my misery. So that means I no longer am able to use this handy laptop I do love and hate at the same time. And I'm really cool with that! Only, that also means I no longer will be blogging. Much, if at all, really.

So yes, if I'm not in Durham, Warwick or Southampton next year, I probably got into NUS law and decided for some reason to stay in singapore. Or I decided to change career courses. Or I got eaten by a hungry gorilla carrying flame torches.

And I would like to thank my readers (Any ones left? No? That's really odd...) for their time in scanning through what would be a few years worth of nonsense and 'OMG KILL ME NOW' crap. :)

This is a video from 'How I Met Your Mother'. It is an awesome show, watch it. In this video, Barney Stinson explains to the rest that you have to wait 3 days before asking a girl out because Jesus said so. It's hilarious.

I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down.

I wanted to blog last night after Mark's wedding. But the internet in my room went on the fritz, so you know, I couldn't/didn't/felt like kicking something.

Last night was awesome. As with all weddings in my family, I get to spend it dressed up and catching up with my lovely 'cousins', Bernadette (we call her Bernie or Bern'), Marissa (M'rissa), Vanessa (Been calling her 'Vaness' since she was a tyke) and Mark (He's a smaller version of the Mark that got married. Really. They were both nightmares as kids and the small one's growing up to be a strapping young man just like the older one.)

I am extremely close to them, seeing as to how the rest of my cousins have an average age of almost 30. Oh right. And I call them my 'cousins' because technically, we aren't related by blood in any way, but our families are super close and any form of romance developing between both would seem like incest. Even though it's lawfully not. HAHA.

So I love hanging out with them. Catching up about our current 'predicaments' and talking about other family members (gossiping more like) and everything else. And at every wedding where we all present together (meaning, mostly my family's weddings), we will dance and dance and dance and feel like popstars.

It's a tradition that we started when we were young. It started with the oldest, Bernie, Marissa and myself grooving to my brother's old hi-fi set (Same one that's in my room currently) and making up crazy moves to 'That Thing You Do' by The Wonders. (That's why it's still one of my favourites up till today) It moved on to classics like the Macarena. After a while, we would pass on the dance moves to the younger ones. (Although I'm pretty sure we didn't do that till we were much older. Were quite selfish and 'exclusive' as kids.)

Anyway, to cut the story short, I was really happy last night. Knowing that I'll always have these people in my lives is a huge blessing. And that we can party our socks off is amazing. One day, I'll invite them to go clubbing. :)

How's this for a fluff piece?  :D

I just need a shoulder to cry on...

... So how come I can't even get that as a luxury?

It's not fair how just because you are able to, you can shout your way to the high heavens.

And all I want is to be comforted.

I comfort everyone else... Why can't someone comfort me?

Is there something we are waiting for?

I haven't touched my blog for a long while. The reasons vary, none of them important. I don't know why I decided to reopen this transparent vault that has dutifully shown every single drop of emotion I display.

Let's start with the quite-popular '1 Litre of Tears'. It was formally introduced to me by dear Anne while we were still in Secondary School. However, I was never much of a Japanese pop culture kind of person, much less one that indulged in shows that leaked you of your body's natural liquid.

Let's skip to the part where I 'stole' almost everything from Alex's HDD. My curiosity piqued at the familiar-sounding title and I immediately asked Alex about the show. He warned me about the imminent bout of tears that would fall; I cared not to listen. I rarely cried at movies, save Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook, so why not just take a gander?

Now, we shall pause at that particular scene and I will bring you to the start of my week. I set my alarm at 7am and woke up at 930 instead. So what, you shrug in nonchalance, it's the bloody holidays and you wake up a little past the usual. No big deal. Yeah, it WAS no big deal. Except I wasted the whole day not studying because 'I didn't feel like it'. Okay fine. It's one day. I shouldn't get so worked up over it, right?

Only, this disgusting feeling lasted until Wednesday. Three days of not touching a book. Some of you may be gasping in pure disbelief right now. 'WHAT! NOOOO...' Yes, my mid-terms are fast approaching, and I'm not buried five feet deep in books served only to push my grades to an acceptable above-average?

I honestly don't know how to answer any of those. Really. I could give you a really good reason if I wanted to. 'I was feeling rather sick. Really couldn't do much.' But that would be pathetic. Period. The truth was, I was about to slowly sink into pseudo-depression. Slowly, but surely. I would mope about the house, a constant naggy 'C'MON! STUDY, YOU LAZY SHIT!' rang in my ear again and again. It didn't help, of course. My mind is like both mother and child. It screams 'Get out your math!' and then groans with a 'Okaaaay... Just let me play one game of tap tap.' And of course, stuck with my slow sink into mope-town, the child gets a landslide win.

So today, after an embarrassing two hours of tuition where I managed to prove to my teacher that I was giving him $440 a month for nothing, I decided to 'hit the books' (mother said) 'after one or two episodes of '1 litre of tears' '(the child bargained).

Of course, the pseudo-depression still kicking in, and the child still having a strong grip on his win, I ended up finishing everything. (If you didn't realise, I unpaused the scene from five paragraphs ago.)

It turned out to be one of the best choices I made this week. The story is amazing. Simple and easy to follow, and yet, it grips your heart and doesn't let go. Not even 3 hours after finishing the last 5 minutes. The emotions displayed are so real. Sometimes relatable, sometimes sympathy-inducing. I literally spilled one litre of tears watching the entire thing.

Okay. And here's the part where my blatant advertisement for the movie and my mope-y week link...

I realise how lucky I am to be able to get depressed over a couple of stupid papers. Papers that I would never again have to see in my life after this year. (Unless I become a teacher, God forbid.) There are always people worse off than you. No matter what situation you find yourself unable to claw your way out of. You may be the world's most lazy ass. So what.

And another thing, I keep forgetting how incredibly gifted I am. No, I am not being an arrogant shit. Heck, everyone is incredibly gifted. No shit. But we all forget. We lift our weaknesses to a god-like status, on the other hand and point it out to everyone else who cares enough to listen.

'I'm fat.' So what? You are an awesome friend, so many people care for you it should be a sin, and you are pretty smart when you bother to apply yourself. Why harp on one bad thing when God's pratctically screaming 'LOOK HERE! GIFT! GIFT!'?

I still don't know the reason for my pseudo-depression. Really, I don't. Maybe the time of the month is fast approaching. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I need to keep reminding myself that my life is not my own. You may think that you get to decide whatever it is you want in life. You learn that it's true only to an extremely small extent. You get to decide how much you wanna study, doesn't mean you decide what grades you get. (Yes, teachers blurt that in your face, but do you really think that's true?)

So, yes. I don't know how much of that anyone understood. Hell, I don't even know if I understand all of it. Call it a good rant at worse. Happy studying for those stuck in the phase called the 'Advanced Levels'. Happy holidays for the rest. If you belong to neither group, oops.

I'm going to study now. After a quick session of Facebook. Promise!

This world will never be what I expected.

Okay. So here's the main scoop. I got a new phone, and the Internet is completely impossible to use over there. Or maybe I'm too used to the capabilities of my very reliable itouch. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats my old broken down phone, so I ain't complaining.

Right. Onto the subject proper. I keep having the same disgusting feeling. Again and again. And it's so gross. And yet I can't get rid of it. It's like a disease. It's so disgusting. It's turned me into a person I don't like. A person that can never look her Lord in the eye again.

I feel like I'm slowly slipping away from my faith. The funny thing is that it's so slow, I can barely feel it. And yet, I know. I don't have that oomph feeling I get when I talk about Him now. I just get a sad little hurrah that barely makes it out of my lips in one sound.

I know he'll forgive me for the things I've done, but then again, I don't feel like I should be forgiven. I feel like him forgiving me would be wayyy too easy for Him to do it. And yet I know I can't go on without him. That I'll probably need to go running to him soon... Like now, for instance.

The Lord is super disappointed in me. That much I know. I feel like such a failure.

Right now, I don't have anymore motivation. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, not knowing where it'll swing to, when it'll break...

It's such a sad sad day when u know that all you have going for you... Is nothing.

and all it takes is just a simple action.

it's annoying when the things u do backfire in ur face.

Only sometimes u feel like it doesn't matter anymore and u wanna give up.

Only sometimes does it seem like nothing u do works anymore.

Anyway, it'll be a while and then i never have to interact with her again. That's my heaven. Haha. Pathetic, isn't it?

Full of memories, of people and places.

I went for my brother's concert yesterday. For something that seemed to be so 'whatever' in my world today, I was awestruck by how much the entire thing made me feel so alive again. It wasn't really just cuz my brother got to play 4 solos...

It stemmed from the fact that I love band, I love music, and I always will. It also struck me how much the people you play with matters. You could be the number one player in the whole world and you'd still hate band if there weren't the right enough conditions.

Which is probably why I feel so detached from band right now. I feel like playing in TJ's band has turned me into someone who seems to abhor the idea of good music. And all it took was a wonderful performance by the St Patrick's Alumni band.

I wish TKGS had an alumni band. I would be the first to sign up.. Actually, I was thinking.. I may start it myself if no one's gonna do it. Just to take the initiative.

It's so sad though.. If you think about it... My experience in TJ's band would have been much better if certain things changed. Such a pity since I really do love playing so much.

Oh well, sometimes, life is unfair. You just gotta keep smiling and moving on.

So many words all left unspoken.

The irony is that I did so much better in subjects that I was previously weak in. The funny thing is that I didn't just do BADLY for the subjects I used to score in, I FAILED them. Now how's that for funny ha ha?

The irony is that I haven't been online in a very long time. The funny thing is that because of my itouch, I've been surfing the web a lot.

If I don't do anything about my grades, I am so screwed.

The Poisson Distribution

Okay. I have 7 months to get my A..

And I DID improve a bit...

Always look on the bright side of life.



:))))))))))))))))))))

So don't look back in anger

How to go Law with GP results so horrid?

GARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

how pathetic. :(

No time is a good time for goodbye.

Well, it being Good Friday, you'd expect something good to happen. Or, at the very least, something normal.

Every year it's the same thing. I go to church in the morning, afternoon is spent napping or watching TV, just spending time with my family while trying not to let my hunger get to me, evening is the procession at St Joseph's and dinner is Nasi Lemak, long awaited after a whole day of nothing much.

Every year I spend my good Friday like this. Every year. So why couldn't this year be the same? Or, at least hold some sense of normalcy?

The first thing that made me realise things were different: My maid cooked sunny-side ups instead of the usual omelette that goes with nasi lemak. Okay, sure, to you people, it's a small stupid insignificant thing. But I was pretty miffed because it was one tradition gone. I didn't say anything though, cuz' I figured my dad was the one who told her to cook it that way.

The second thing was 3 people from my family attending the procession. Normally, almost my WHOLE family goes for the procession. This year was a dismal three people. THREE. Me, my aunt and uncle. It was so disappointing. My parents were part of the procession this year, so they went off to church real early. I went there on my own, spent 2 hours standing for waiting for my favourite part: Seeing the altar boys carry Jesus down from the cross and onto a makeshift bed. But I couldn't concentrate on it this year. Why? Well... that brings me to..

The third thing: It rained. That really made my heart do flip-flops. It NEVER rained before. And I am not making a fallacy. It's TRUE. In my almost 2 decades of going for the yearly St Joseph's procession, it NEVER rains. The rain came, and with it, an ominous feeling of things to come. I had a feeling it would rain, actually, so it didn't REALLY surprise me. Not because I watch weather patterns and the global temperature. I don't know how to explain it, though... I guess the fact that it didn't rain this year like it does every year around 3 in the afternoon kinda did it. When I felt the first droplet of rain on my candle holder, I couldn't help but feel like God was trying to say something HUGE. I really wish I knew what though... It scared me to no end.

The last thing that made good friday not-so-good was AFTER I went home. (On my own, again) I came out of the bathroom and was met with the always pleasant tension that signified my parents were fighting. It was horrible. I wanted to cry then. I wanted to scream out the injustice of not being able to enjoy at least a normal dinner after the not-so-normal day. It was not fair! Dinner was mostly stony silence. I was so tempted to turn on the tv just so it wouldn't be so tense. But I knew my father's wrath well. Well enough, at least. After dinner, I appeased my father by talking to him about their fight and cleared some stuff up. (Apparently, as it is with EVERY OTHER fight, it was a mere misunderstanding.) And then, I went to comfort my sorrow-stricken mother, upset with my father's usual way of proving his manhood by shouting and scolding. I also offered both of them cake that I made.

Somehow, I don't think that this is a 'me me' thing.. I feel like this is something more... This whole thing... It wasn't horrible on purpose.... Maybe God is really angry with me? I have done some seriously horrible things the past few weeks... I don't know. Maybe it IS a 'me me' kinda thing.

I hope Easter's wayyy better. =/

Storms are brewing in your eyes

The mind and spirit are willing. The flesh feels like it's about to collapse from its unstable foundation.

I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole and there's little chance of me ever finding my way out.

Joy.

On a positive note, I did pretty well for my physics and chemistry. Now, I just need to wait for my failed math paper. :(((

On another note, I wanna get the Vivaz. Sigh. Oh the wretched materialism drooling from the insides.

It all begins tonight...

The clock struck for the third time. She stood up from her bed and slowly dragged the heavy chair across the wooden floor, periodically pausing to ensure that no other sound could be heard save for her slow and regulated breaths. She almost reached the window when a thick oak leg of the chair scrapped across a loose board she did not notice. The result was a low groan. Quickly freezing, her ears pricked up again for any signs of movement. Convinced that no one was on to her, she pushed the chair the rest of the way to the window and plonked down onto its soft cushion, a soft sigh escaping her pursed lips.

She glanced wearily out the window, placing her arms on the dusty window sill. The moon shone big and bright in the dark sky, and with most of the neighbourhood dark, she could make out the grey clouds that slowly moved across the pale yellow light. It really was a beautiful night indeed, as they had predicted. What cruel irony, was the only thing on her mind. She did a quick backward glance towards the door as she thought of the paradox in the situation, as if afraid of someone reading her thoughts.

On the outside, everything appeared so immaculate and wonderful. Inside was a hell hole that only she knew. Only she could understand the extent of misery and darkness that filled up the space from the inside, never quite reaching the outside so people couldn't see. What a family, what a life, what a joke. She could almost laugh at the situation, laugh till tears streaked down her face, actually. She shook her head at their obliviousness to every situation that came running smack in their faces. She sighed at their inability to connect with her. She smirked as she realised just how much above them she was and how she didn't have to tolerate their nonsense at any cost.

No one must know, she muttered softly under her breath. She ran a soft hand through her long, dark hair and looked at the few strands that were pulled out by the action. They were strands of hair that didn't even hurt her when she pulled them out. They were dispensable. Like she was. Dispensable.

I honestly don't know what I want in life anymore...

Yeah okay.. So I DO know what I want...

Just don't know if I can achieve it..

ANYWAY, I think, for someone who specialises in drawing stickmen, this is a nice drawing. :)

As the feeling inside keeps building

Alright. I finally figured it out. I know why I've been so miserable lately.

Even though I mentioned that it probably didn't have anything to do with my schoolwork... I realize now that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Not with schoolwork per say.. More like my whole education.

I feel the pressure. And it's mounting slowly.. Slowly, slowly.. Until finally, one day, I am going to crack wide open. I'm literally the ONLY one in my entire family to have made it to a junior college. Good or bad, it doesn't matter.. I'm the ONLY one!

While I felt special the whole of two minutes when my family told me this, I realize now what that entails..

My whole family expects something out of me. My parents and my brothers are just so eager to see me enter university. Whichever university doesn't matter. They can't wait to take pictures with me wearing the motar board waving a shiny certificate in my hand.

I'm feeling the pressure even though my parents constantly assure me that they're not putting pressure on me. My dad wrote me an email saying how proud he was after I VISITED the law school open house. I mean, that's sweet and all, but WOW do I feel like I have to do something now.

Okay. I won't say it's all bad? Pressure's good sometimes. It keeps you in check, pushes you forward.. The amount I feel right now makes me want to go back. It makes me want to back out and say, "okay, that was a good try. Can I go now?"

and now I'm scared... Cuz I have all these expectations to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.. I don't know if everyone will feel disappointed if I screw up.

It's sooooooo crazy.

Have to keep breathing though and tell myself that people expect this of me because I have the potential. I can do this. I just need to keep pressing on and keep praying as hard as I can.
I need to stop procrastinating and start burrowing my nose in my books.
In the end, I'm going to be that lawyer. I'm going to go into legal pratice and hopefully not die there.

I can do it.

I think..

A man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land.

Liars
Always
Win.

That's what most people think of law as, huh.

I want to enter the NUS Faculty of Law soo badly.

But right now, as I'm sitting home, trying to recover from crazy 2 hours of tuition, I don't think I'll even qualify for the interview.

:((

FEELING DEPRESSED AGAIN.

I should install a mood indicator into my forehead. Only, this year, it'll blink red and blue like 80% of the time.

She knows it's too late to keep walking on by.

Don't know why. I feel miserable every night. The only thing keeping me happy now is seeing my school friends and talking to them about stuff.


Don't know if it's school or everything just coming together.

Anyway, I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I'm about to crack.

On that note, I'm sorry I blew up yesterday. But I won't apologised for what I said. I meant it.

You already got me coming undone. - A trip like no other.

I won't say I had fun. That is a given. And a fact. I won't go into details about what I saw, heard, smelt and touched either. That I leave to photos, because they speak a thousand words more than what is in my available vocabulary.

I still remember the words I scrawled onto the TOOP application form:

I want to experience humility and step out of my comfort zone.

Now, I won't say I have been completely humbled after one day in Indonesia. That would be ludicrous.

However, you don't just walk into a barely-sturdy shelter-for-a-school and use their hole-as-a-toilet without feeling even the slightest hint of something.

To say I am lucky to be born in Singapore where the sun shines to no end (unfortunately, in some cases..) and the opportunities smile at you would be too easy. Somehow, (and call me cliched) I feel like I should start doing something to expose myself to more of these situations.

Trust me, when I say this, I selfishly do not think of the poor people or the children. After all, what makes you think they need anymore help than they already have? Though I'm pretty sure they'll smile should I go over and 'do my part' for them, I'm thinking I'll come out of it with more benefits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, living in the comfort of my own home, with a whole room to call my own, and a good education being served to me on a plate, taking things for granted pretty much becomes a given. I get upset because I have friendship problems, or because my mum didn't get me something when she promised.

And then there are these people, so hospitable, giving whatever little they can afford to give. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And ironically, they're probably happier than I am right now.

What is worth more? Giving ten dollars out of your hundred-dollar allowance? Or the two dollars you need to survive on for the rest of the week?

In the end, we all need these trips (both the real and metaphorical ones) not to give THEM what they need, but to remind ourselves of what WE lack.

And of course, the cam-whoring doesn't hurt. :)

You've already got me coming undone

I honestly don't know why, but I feel so miserable. Oh, so miserable.

It's not PMS. I've never had it like this before.

I feel like there's nothing in my life to look forward to. That this is it. Nothing else is going to come out of it.

I've been feeling like this since last week. It's such a horrid feeling, and yet, I seem to wallow in it.

I feel so entrapped in this thing called 'life'. Like, what am I supposed to do now?

I don't see anything coming.

I have to resort to petty motivations to get myself going.

It's not working.

On a side note, I will change the colour of my page skin when I have the time. It's freaking me out.

Kiss a wookie.

This post will be a treat for my readers. I'll be posting something really cute! Which won't be a surprise anymore if you scroll down...

ANYWAY, for those who are still here and not off watching the video, I shall narrate my day in a slow and systematic way. :DDDD

Okay. I won't. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't noticed, this is self-indulgent idle chatter. ;) )

I changed my blog skin to pink. Striking, in-your-face, shit-i-don't-think-i'll-ever-read-steph's-blog-again pink. Yeah... I don't really know why and/or what came over me.. But it'll stay as pink until i feel like changing it. :)))

Which means I won't have any more visually-able readers by the end of the month or less.

Oh well.

Like my Ipod's stuck on replay

Okay. This time, let's just start with 'I don't feel anything today.'

I don't have much to blog about. The day's events are too insignificant for me to want to remember in 3 years. I don't care too. Either way.

Let's just assume that I'm slowly dipping myself into a whirlpool of depression.

I'll be gone before you can say anything.

On the bright side, I found a nice pair of headphones.

Stars shining bright above you.

Okay. I am officially mood-swingy. If you haven't noticed.

I had fun meeting Mel today after not seeing her for a while. She always manages to cheer me up as we talk rubbish and do silly things.

Like playing our duet on the rickety old piano rotting away on the third floor of TKGS.

Although it's completely and utterly out of tune, it still bears a semblance of what was and what is never to be. Again.

Upsetting as that sounds, life must move on.

I decided today that I'd rather have friends who like me as I am and not how I act.

And I'll always have my girls. They'll never fail me. :)

Head under water, now I can't breathe.

Okay. Let's start with 'I may be PMSing. Or maybe I'm really feeling so pissed off I could kill someone.'

Let's also add on to that with 'This is going to be a long post and it isn't sunshine-y and happy whoohoo. If you don't like it and/or have a problem with me, please click on the red cross at the corner of the browser and please, for GOODNESS' sake, DON'T visit my blog again. Thank you.'

So yes, if you're still here, then it means you either care enough about my problems so you want to read what I have to say. Or maybe it means you like to see me suffer because you are a ego-manical sadist who engages in schadenfreude.

Anyway, whatever the case, I don't care anymore. Okay? I don't. Really. I need to concentrate on my A'levels this year, I don't need bullshit in my life.

I don't need HORRIBLE miscommunication from people just to ruin my night and make me so frustrated I can't even focus on my schoolwork. I don't need people scrutinizing my EVERY SINGLE effing move, just WAITING for me to mess up so they can rub their disgusting hand in my face and yell, 'HAHA. KNEW IT WAS A MISTAKE.'

I don't need pity, I don't need a stupid shoulder to cry on. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I don't need drama, I don't need craziness right now because, honestly, it's getting old, sweeeeetie. Really.

You want me to say it? Okay, I'll say it. I regret it. I regret it like I regret every single damn wrong move I have ever had the misfortune of making in my short 18 years here on earth. Sometimes I regret it so much, I start wishing about 'what ifs'. The moment you do that... you are soooo..

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I come home every night just wanting to plonk my head on my pillows and sleep until morning. However, I can't do that. I can't afford to.

So PLEASE, I'm FREAKING begging you people. Stop with your nonsense. STOP with your ridiculous self-centred ways of deciding how to 'GOVERN' yourselves. I don't care what YOU do in your life. Just DON'T WRECK MINE.

I swear, I am this close to calling out names like 'asshole' and 'idiot'. But I have enough diginity left in me not to do so.

I had to stop my work to type this. Because I couldn't even concentrate on vectors.

And it's LENT.

Joy.

The time of your life

Just a regular ol' Chinese New Year.

Life is better without drama.

Never knowing if there's solid ground below.

Stop judging me you asshole.

You don't know me at all.

It's almost over.

Seeking a momentary fix

I feel quite horrible. I think it's that time of the month.

All I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there.

Have you ever felt like detachhing yourself from reality forever. Just so you didn't have to face anything ever again?

Or maybe it's just the emotions that overwhelm me because I don't have anything going for me.

On a side note, my eighteenth birthday went smashingly well, only to be spoiled when my mother proclaimed me an alcoholic for drinking a little vodka.

I went online today. Now, I'm an internet addict.

I took the bus, now the only thing I'm obsessed with is public transport.

Can you tell me..

Sunny Day


Sweepin' the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet



Can you tell me how to get,

How to get to Sesame Street



Come and play

Everything's A-OK

Friendly neighbors there

That's where we meet



Can you tell me how to get

How to get to Sesame Street

Call me an insomniac

The ipad. Seriously? Haha!

Anyway, it's horrible to have a fever.

I really have nothing to do because almost everything gives me a headache.

:(

We all want to be Prince.

Can someone tell me why I feel like this?

Like, completely unsure of what to do next.

Move the king, or keep him safe and sacrifice my horse?

Is the king worth it?

And why is it I'm not feeling how I'm supposed to feel?

Am I really that mean?

I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true.

Lemme warn you guys.

I remember things.

Unimportant things.

And I will not hesitate to use them against you.

Really.

Like, you'll do something (e.g. annoy me.) and I'll remember the other 9, 999 times you did the same.

Yes.

I remember.

MWAHAHA.

I don't really like to bear grudges, though. Not worth my time. :)

*click*

I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true.

No more talk of darkness.

Everyone is at home today.

This is a first. :)

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime

Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
Anywhere you go, let me go too,
That's all I ask of you

Let's just assume life is crazy and unexpected.

You wake up one day thinking that you're finally free from worries that previously tugged on your already sore thoughts, and then, POOF! Worry comes flying in like one of those little fairy things you see in Disney movies.

Of course Worry isn't so glitzy and PG-13.

Oh, and then, of course, life gets better because you realise that what you previously thought was true decided to whack you back in the bum and say, 'It's not! Haha!'

You don't have to understand me, honestly. I wonder how many people would, actually? If Mel was readinf this, she'd probably have her puzzled face on. Haha.

The ironic thing is that I still think my life gets boring. Then again, any more 'action' and I'll probably get a full-blown heart attack.

It's funny, honestly. How everything seems to just work out in the end?

Okay, right now it's not all happy la la joy land.

Anyway, chemistry is actually not half-bad... I'm beginning to like it a little.

Irony = Word of the day.

What's Ironic: Got Chem tuition for my O'levels 2 years ago. Tutor also taught me both maths and physics on the side. Got A1 for all maths and physics. Got A2 for chem.

Don't make a fuss

I feel that much happier.

I guess.

I don't know anymore.

Sometimes, you just get so tired and all you want to do is fall asleep for a long time.

Sometimes you need someone to talk to, but the moment you have that someone, you don't know what to say.

Sometimes, you want to do something, but the moment that opportunity arrives, you sit there and do nothing.

Sometimes, all you want is not to care anymore.

Because it's not worth it.

Sometimes.

And I am telling you I'm not going.

If God had a name, what would it be, and would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

If God had a face what would it look like and would you want to see?
If seeing meant that you would have to believe in things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets.

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us..
Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home.
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

Love your life.

I see ya blowin' me a kiss It doesn't take a scientist
To understand what's going on baby
If you see something in my eye
Let's not over analyze
Don't go too deep with it baby

So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I'll do
I'll play loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

It's just a little crush (crush)
Not like I faint every time we touch
It's just some little thing (crush)
Not like everything I do depends on you

Life is a maze, love is a riddle.

Life will start to get a little more mundane now. I don't care. After a hell of a crazy holiday? Mundane can be good.

Yesterday's prayer meet was about change. I like change. I hate change too. I hate it when people change. I hate it when I change.

But I was wondering what is it about change that gets to everyone? The fear of the unknown?

It is that human instinct of curiousity. We want to know what's going on so we don't get taken aback by anything.

I don't think anyone will ever be ready for change. We can try to stay calm and cool about it, but the fact of the matter is, we probably won't be able to get rid of the constant fear.

What is change to you?

On another note, I'm scouring for driving schools to enroll into.

Oh right. And I still don't like her. Haha. Thought everyone should just know. :)

Streetlight people living just to find emotion.

Communication is extremely important.

Miscommunication is probably the reason why most disputes even begin.

It gets annoying too.

And tone is of the utmost.

Well, whaddya know? THIS IS MY TONE: NOTE IT.

Come into my heart and we will never part

I dreamt that I almost got raped.

It felt just like a movie: the scene, the setting, the rapist...

I was at some family thing. I remember being in my bedroom when a guy, apparently my relative, came in. I forgot what he said but I started freaking out. The only thought on my mind was that I didn't wanna lose my virginity to this guy. It was so scary, I swear. I wanted to run out but he already locked the door. I started wailing as he came closer to me and I felt like 'this is it. My life is over.' I don't know how, but in my panic-induced state, i remembered that my phone was still clutched in my left hand. I discreetly scrolled down my contacts and called the first person I could think of; Joan. My family was still outside, I could hear them laughing. I don't know how, but I managed to wrangle out of his way and unlock the door, screaming for my mum and dad as loud as I possibly could. Joan was on the phone an I could hear her worried voice coming through the speakers. I could hear the guy right behind me and thankfully, that's when my dad decided to show up. As I heard my father yell at the guy, I crouched down behind my dining table, the phone pressed to my ear. I wasn't really talking to Joan but I kept apologising and wailing. She kept telling me to calm down and to count backwards from 9. After that, I only remember my mum and brothers and sister-in-law trying to console me.

I know this sounds terribly made-up and completely exaggarated on my part, but I swear to you that everything I wrote here is what I really experienced from my dream.

As I start off this new day, I can't help but still feel so violated and scared. I can't help but feel like I really did get almost violated.

I think I'm losing it. I'm about to go mad from the pressure.

If i can't even handle the first week of school, how am I supposed to deal with the other 51?

You took my breath but I survived

The first week of school has started. Already, I feel a sense of trepidation. I always knew the gap between my O'levels and my A'levels was short. I didn't expect it to be THAT short. I can barely stop to breathe.

My Chemistry teacher doesn't give me that feeling of 'I can do well'. I try to convince myself that she forces me to do my work, which is good. But I'm not that kind of student. If I don't like it, forcing me won't help me. It'll just give me more reason not to like it.

I need Chemistry tuition. Badly. Very badly.

Thankfully, my time-table looks a lot better than last year's. I promised myself that I would concentrate a lot more on school this year.

It's only the first week and I feel like I shouldn't be going to school just so I can finish my work. How quaint. Maybe I should try that.

Anyway, the only thing I look forward to is the weekend. However, next week approaching equals to having to go to bedok complex for swimming pe. Shit.

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

Parents are fighting again. Joy.

And I realise I don't like 90210. It's boring. It's like a glorified version of the hills.

And The Mentalist is cool because it's like Psych only less funny and more cute Simon Baker.

And TJC's open house is boring. I'm sorry.

But KFC and Pizza are awesome. :))

Parents are fighting. :(

A little bit caught in the middle

School's going to start soon. Oh shit.

And I'm completely hooked on Big Bang Theory. Not good.

And I get annoyed everytime I think about it so...

Welcome to my life. :)

We don't falter, we fight.

Some people are such assholes.

Not worth your time. Really.

Happy 2010

It's not a secret anymore.

I hope this year will be less crazy.

But more awesome.

A Happy New Year to everyone reading this.