As the feeling inside keeps building

Alright. I finally figured it out. I know why I've been so miserable lately.

Even though I mentioned that it probably didn't have anything to do with my schoolwork... I realize now that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Not with schoolwork per say.. More like my whole education.

I feel the pressure. And it's mounting slowly.. Slowly, slowly.. Until finally, one day, I am going to crack wide open. I'm literally the ONLY one in my entire family to have made it to a junior college. Good or bad, it doesn't matter.. I'm the ONLY one!

While I felt special the whole of two minutes when my family told me this, I realize now what that entails..

My whole family expects something out of me. My parents and my brothers are just so eager to see me enter university. Whichever university doesn't matter. They can't wait to take pictures with me wearing the motar board waving a shiny certificate in my hand.

I'm feeling the pressure even though my parents constantly assure me that they're not putting pressure on me. My dad wrote me an email saying how proud he was after I VISITED the law school open house. I mean, that's sweet and all, but WOW do I feel like I have to do something now.

Okay. I won't say it's all bad? Pressure's good sometimes. It keeps you in check, pushes you forward.. The amount I feel right now makes me want to go back. It makes me want to back out and say, "okay, that was a good try. Can I go now?"

and now I'm scared... Cuz I have all these expectations to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.. I don't know if everyone will feel disappointed if I screw up.

It's sooooooo crazy.

Have to keep breathing though and tell myself that people expect this of me because I have the potential. I can do this. I just need to keep pressing on and keep praying as hard as I can.
I need to stop procrastinating and start burrowing my nose in my books.
In the end, I'm going to be that lawyer. I'm going to go into legal pratice and hopefully not die there.

I can do it.

I think..