Setting me off like sparks

Her eyelids felt heavier than the current world champion in wrestling. Her head was perched on her arm, dangerously leaning too close to the left, about to fall off the unbalanced limb. The cries of the soft, plush pillows on the bed did not go unheard. She kept peeking at them through the corner of her eye, silently telling them that she did want to join them in holy matrimony, and soon. But as of now, she couldn't. She couldn't form a bond with the silky bedsheets and warm duvet. She couldn't let her body succumb to the sweet caress of a good night's sleep. There was just too much to do.

She gave herself the pleasure of closing her eyes for just a second. The danger of that action was apparent when she felt her brain give in to the familiar motions of falling asleep. Quickly, she blinked her eyes open again and lifted her head from her arm, giving her head a quick shake before focusing on the table before her. The huge stack of papers before her seemed to mock her tiredness and desire to go to bed. They seemed to have an endless supply as well, seemingly increasing in depth every time she picked up one sheet.

"Why did I have to choose this life?" She moaned quietly as she snatched another sheet of paper from the sheet with a little more force than was necessary. It wasn't her fault, really. She had two choices. A business degree and then being prepped to take over her father's laundry business, or an English degree and then a scholarship to do a course in teaching, subsequently working for a public school. She wanted to do the business degree. Her father was getting on with age and needed a successor quickly. However, with business profits slowly declining, along with her father's ability to move quickly and the emergence of those new automated dry-clean machines, they could not afford to send her to a good university to get a business degree worth doing. The English degree came attached with a scholarship and a guaranteed job after graduation. The choice became a lot easier to make.

She buried her face in her hands, secretly wishing the pile of papers on her desk would be gone when she reopened her eyes. No such luck. As the warm bed beckoned once more, she threw her hands up in frustration and let out a tired groan. She couldn't take it anymore, it was time for bed.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die that I'll only stay with you one more night

I like being busy.

It keeps the unwanted thoughts at bay and it keeps me from feeling like a bum.

Sometimes I wonder if I could get addicted to being busy. Of course, saying that, my body begged for a rest after a week of being out till late every night.

I actually enjoyed having something to do every night. Enjoyed the nights out with friends, even the occasional tuition with the too-adorable kids.

Honestly though, I can't wait to go back to the UK. Can't wait to live in my new apartment with Kammy. Can't wait for the crazy nights with Sheng, Linisha, and the rest.

Had a fantastic talk with Belle last night. Even got a free drink out of it.

And with my brain cells being entirely sucked up by the miscreants in school, I have very little else to say.

When you finally find what's beautiful

Eyelids are drooping. The bright lights of the square room fill the room.

A hint of inspiration comes and leaves.

But some nights, you just have to give in.

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle.

It's not about what you've done,it's about what you're doing.It's all about where you're going,no matter where you've been.

I've been wond'ring 'round the house all night, wond'ring what the hell to do.

I'm sure as you grow up, the number of things you regret increase. Perhaps even exponentially, as you start making millions of decisions, some harder than the rest.

I really do wonder about the extent of regret. You realise the 'what if' situations stay in your mind longer than the 'I shouldn't have done that' ones.

And that's why people seem to use the whole 'YOLO' (You Only Live Once) thing now. Because you tend to regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do.

In fact, I'm very sure I've touched on this subject more than once, especially in the first half of this year.

What do I regret? Many things. One of the earliest things I regret is not telling my auntie that I loved her before she passed away. I'm sure she went knowing that I did, but the fact that I didn't actually vocalise my feelings will always stay with me, perhaps until I go into *my* grave. That was when I was 11. Since then, I've definitely had more regrets.

People always tell you to 'live life with no regrets!' But it's hard, isn't it. How do you know whether you would regret doing (or not doing) something? Perhaps with my earliest point made, you should just *do* everything. But as humans, a fundamental nature we are all born with is the instinct of self-preservation. You don't jump across from one roof to the next because you 'might regret never having tried it'. You were born with the common sense that you might actually DIE doing that.

Self-preservation doesn't necessarily stop at preventing you from killing yourself either. It comes in handy when dealing with utter humiliation. Or heartache.

Last night, I watched the last bit of an episode of Mobbed. I've not watched much of the show before but what I understand from it, it's a platform for someone to send a very special message to someone else. One of their more popular episodes seems to be of this man proposing to his girlfriend. It's the sort of feel-good, emotionally-refreshing shows that make you go 'awwwww'.

Anyway, in this particular episode, this teacher literally 'mobbed' her fellow teacher-best friend to confess to him that she 'might be falling in love with him'. And honestly, I could tell from the moment he saw her come out that it wasn't going to end well. Which it didn't.

I literally grabbed onto the couch cushion with anxiety as he turned her down. He tried to do it as sweetly and subtly as possible, but I mean, how awesome can a rejection be. 'Oh well, I feel much better than when I set out to do this!'

It got me thinking of my little confession I did 3 years ago. (Yes, I realise it has been that long already.) The rejection and heartache that followed. It was bad, yes. But now, I think back, and it's one of the things I surprisingly don't regret.

In saying that, I didn't do it on national TV. I honestly have to give her a lot of respect and kudos. It is definitely not fun to get rejected on TV AND in front of the entire mob you 'hired'. And I do have to commend the guy for not just saying 'yes' on national TV either, just so people won't boo him.

Anyway, returning back to the subject of regret at hand.

I wonder if the start of the new school year will bring with it many regrets. Somehow, I know my life in the UK almost always guarantees some sort of excitement. But would it be the sort I'd like? Or the sort that'll make me wonder if I made the right decision spending so much money in travelling to another country to get a good degree?

Oh well. I suppose you only live once. ;)

Constant craving has always been

I've always wondered about people.

We're generally a species, working together, trying to live life to the fullest, and at the end of the day, we die. But that's okay, because new people are created and thus is the circle of life.

But people tend to be more complicated than that. It's not easy to be a person living in society. It comes with pressures and responsibilities. If you don't want that, then you simply cannot exist in the world. You'd be living on the margins, fending for yourself in a world where no one will pay you any heed because you chose not to contribute in any way.

Perhaps it's not just humans. The same can probably be said for almost any species. Contribute to life, or go away.

But something about us makes us superior. Is it that we're a more intelligent species? Maybe. Is it that we have a deeper understanding of our emotions and what triggers them? Perhaps. At the end of the day, I suppose it remains a mystery.

Anyway, I honestly can't wait to start work. A bit of tiredness and distraction is something I really crave right now.

If this life is one act, why do we set all these traps?

Everyone is growing up. And between classes, extra-curricular activities, jobs, and everything else in between, we're all busy and running out of time to spend with each other.

Those who matter.

I guess I'm just so afraid that one day, the groups of friends I work so hard to keep tight will just fall apart. Due to the inevitable lack of communication.

We tell ourselves that as time passes, our bond will be there. It'll always stay there. But is that always true? Is that really what will happen? Or perhaps it's only something that happens in sitcoms and TV shows. Something we all grow up to believe, but doesn't truly happen.

Perhaps it's time I realise that it's pointless to hold on to things that won't last.

Falling from cloud nine

I realise that my blog posts are still set to UK time.

Honestly won't change it though because it's too much of a hassle and I *am* going back in like a month and a half.

Anyway, this shall be one of those 'blah blah-me and my life' sort of posts.

I'm pretty glad I got the teaching job at CCSS and I hope I'll make some sort of impact.

Also, I hope to do something about my hair soon.




Yup, that's pretty much it.

You can't change the world with a song

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Is there someone out there I can cuddle with? :(
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But I've got you to keep me warm

Looks like my blog's getting global! :D That's pretty cool.

You (yes, you!) guys have a nice day, y'all hear?

It's never too late

As a child, I was brought up to be responsible for my actions. All my actions had consequences, consequences that I had to deal with, learn from.

I read 'The Rape of Nanking' as a young teenager. The parts that captured my attention and stuck with me were obviously those of the atrocious war crimes that the Japanese committed against the Chinese. The horror stories of the rapes, the massacres, the bloodshed... They opened my eyes to the possibility that although we are a species built with reason, our baser instincts involve nothing more than a power struggle and it truly does boil down to the 'survival of the fittest' in times of despair and hardship.

Today, I picked up the book again. Probably an after-effect of watching 'City of Way - The Story of John Rabe'. I've always been a bit of a WW2 buff. Both of the European and Asian side. History has always fascinated me in a way that people also do. To be able to understand why some people did what they did would perhaps shed some light on things that we in today's context should and shouldn't do. However, history is also bound to repeat itself; something that only increases its worth.

So, I've only barely scraped through the introduction when I realised the most important point of this book. Something that probably enters and flew from my mind at similar rates all those years ago when I first glanced at the book's title. It irritates me to no end that even up to this day, the Japanese are denying the atrocities that they have committed.

Why do we, as an ENTIRE world, let them get away with it? I understand that the past is in the past, and truly, it should remain there for all intents and purposes, but can this truly be morally acceptable?

Of course, the question I pose is a hypothetical one. I know the answer to the first question. It is simply: Politics. The word of fuel that runs the entire world, the only word capable of praising, insulting, killing, bringing hope, bringing life, bringing anger, pain and suffering.

As our species evolved, we developed systems, and structures, and rules. And we claim that these structures will help us to rule better. But perhaps, now we should realise that the structures are ruling us.

70 years. The time period between now and when the first inklings of war started to loom over the heads of our ancestors is now an old man. An old man who is supposed to have garnered wisdom and passed down ideas and stories to his children and grandchildren, hoping they'll learn from him, in good and bad ways, repeating the good, remembering the bad. And yet, this 'old man' hasn't learnt a single good thing. This 'old man' will continue to live in constant denial, teaching his children and his children's children that it is alright to do bad things to people. For as long as you do good things for other people, the bad things will not seem so bad, and you and the people for whom you did good deeds shall live in peace and harmony. And the people to whom you have wronged? Well, fuck 'em.

So congratulations. We live in a world that is in itself hypocritical and full of sketchy morals that only hold true if and when it is convenient. Every human being is the same. Inside, we are all self-serving. We only do things if we know there will be benefits. We're not idiots. That's how we survive. And in the end, perhaps, that's the same thing that will kill us all.

Which way is right, which way is wrong

I do apologise for the lack of posts lately. There's a pattern, you see. Blogging tends to be something to occupy my time with, something that I've been spreading out between spending precious time with friends and watching back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones.

Of course, I say this with the assumption that people are following my blog. Or perhaps you're just a random wanderer into the abyss that I associate with my life. Either way, I welcome you.

I just read a post by a very angry Singaporean. She's around my age. Studied overseas too. Seems pretty bright. Her only vice, as far as I can tell from one post, is that she's just a little... self-righteous? I don't really know which word best describes her. Oh, and before I go on, I honestly am not about to start taking the piss. A lot of her points are very valid. But she's also very angry and sort of gives the impression that she expected a life different from the one she grew up with.

Okay. Let's give a bit of background.

In a nutshell, she talks about how upset she is with the Singapore Government because it's too restrictive and conservative. I don't disagree with her. Singapore is a small country and because of its size, it's kinda easier to control than say, the United Kingdom, or even the state of Texas. This sometimes means it's easier for 'daddy' to say 'JUMP', and you better say 'how high?'. But is it really that terrible?

My time spent overseas initially led me to the same response she publicly aired. 'The Singapore govt is WAYYY too restrictive! I can do so many things in the UK and no one judges me here!' 'Drugs? Oh, come on! It's bad, yes. But I can't believe how much the govt has been exaggerating on its effects. You honestly have to be *that* stupid to be a druggie.' 'I can't believe I got free medicine and health checks. And I'm not even a UK citizen. Singapore's healthcare is way too expensive for its own good.'

Sometimes, living in Singapore *can* be a bitch. Prices of public transport make you want to kill yourself, if the weather doesn't kill you first. (It's hot and humid all the time. ESPECIALLY after it rains. Something I know can be explained by science but I *still* can't comprehend.) Public transport also stops after 1am (or sometimes, even earlier.) This means the only way home is by taxi. Something you don't want to even think about when you're broke. Woes of the fast-paced, competitive world of working are shared by many. And ohh, I'm so upset. Shall we have a pint? WHAT THE FUCK? A FUCKING PINT COSTS $12?!

These are but some of the displeasures of living in the lion city.

But, listen. Singapore isn't a horrible place to live in. To be honest, I thought for a while about permanently moving to the UK. It's still an option, depending on how next year goes. But the option to remain living here is still on my list, not wavering yet.
It's still extremely safe here. In how many places in the world can you honestly say will not pose any harm if you decide for some God-forsaken reason to walk out alone at 3 in the morning? (Perhaps you decided to fuck all taxis and their midnight surcharges.) Yes, there is still crime here, but it remains at a low rate because for the most part, people don't see the need to pillage.

The heat. It can be a good thing. People don't really die from heat strokes here. Of course, there will be cases of people who *have*, but compare that to the number of people who have died from cold-related diseases in other countries?

Also, poor people are better off here because they don't need clothes for all four seasons. In fact, walk around in a tank and shorts every day in your life and no one (except perhaps concerned friends and relatives) will bat an eyelid.

Okay. Erm... the Singapore Government... I won't defend them. I mean, we've had no threats or wars, so we can't honestly tell if they're doing a fantastic job of leading the country. So far, my political views are that if you haven't been in the fields with the people, ploughing away, you have no right to tell anyone that this hoe will yield better crops because some dickhead with a clipboard told you so.

Anyway, I'll try to sum up. I won't lie and tell you that living in Singapore is easy. In fact, I do agree that Singaporeans tend not to speak out against any authority in fear of retaliation. And in Singapore, it's not that easy to hide. Did I mention how small we were?

But the winds of change have come. More and more people are starting to recognise that as humans, we do deserve to speak. Putting a title in front of your name doesn't make you any more smarter or worthy than anyone else in the aforementioned fields.

I honestly think that people shouldn't completely give up on Singapore as a horrid place to work and live in. The future will be interesting. Perhaps things will change. We are after all, toddlers in this world. Such a young nation.

But you know what? If you wanna do something more, join something. Be part of something more. We as a generation should try to change the perspective that we're just followers of the dictatorship.

Anyway, reading the girl's post didn't really anger me. It just got me thinking. If the government gets to read all these little treasonous posts (mine included, I suppose.), what would they honestly do? Run to the courts shouting 'TREACHERY', rounding all the 'rebels'?

I think I've been watching too much Game of Thrones.