There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

This has been an amazing few days.

I'm extremely happy to be leaving Manchester on this note.

On Monday, Mally came over for dinner and I cooked up Lasagna for him. After which, we enjoyed an evening cuddling on the couch listening to different kinds of jazz music. I even made him watch breaking bad. :D

On Tuesday, Pei Shan and I had a wonderful dinner at Australasia (and the darling was sweet enough to treat me!) The waiters serving me were SO HOT. I swear, they are really picky with the male staff that they hire at that restaurant because they are all so yumz.

Anyway, hot waiters aside, Mally then came over again in the evening. He taught me how to enjoy a 'Tim Tam Slam' with a Penguin biscuit and hot Milo. And we spent the rest of the evening cuddling on the couch talking about nothing and everything.

And then I gave him his first proper kiss.

At first I didn't know what to think that I was seeing someone who had less experience than me sexually. Considering I seem to exclusively date English men and they all seem to be horny bastards, it was a bit of a change to be dating someone whom I had to 'coach' how to kiss.

After thinking for a bit, I realised that it was a very refreshing change. He is actually very different from the other men I've dated. And it's not even just something a guy says when trying to chase you. He is so smart, so mature, has his head screwed on right, treats me proper, and is just so very sweet.

He bought me the Penguin biscuits and hot chocolate as a surprise.

I don't feel any extreme ups or downs with him. It's so nice to just feel good hanging out with him.

I guess I'm just looking forward to getting to know him more when I get back. :)

Also, I really need to buckle down and study a lot.

I had a lot of fun Manchester, and I'll see you next year. :)

P.S. This has been my 440th post on my blog. My life story and ramblings over 7 years all collated into one website. :')

Birds singing in the sycamore tree

This year, I'll be in sunny Singapore spending Christmas with my family.

I've had so much to be thankful for this Christmas, and more to regret. But Christmas means that I get to wipe the slate clean and start the new year afresh!

Last Tuesday, I fell out with someone that I thought could be considered a good friend. Turns out he was someone that did not deserve whatever little kindness I bestowed on him.

Then M said he wanted to come visit. Of course, once bitten, twice shy. I wasn't going to be stupid to assume he was actually coming. And of course, he didn't show up. Again, I realised that he wasn't worth any of my attention.

You would think that after all that I would be a bitter gourd at Christmas. However, I have had the most wonderful two days.

Yesterday, I had breakfast with Mal and we ended up spending the day together. We went to the Manchester Art Gallery and then just took a walk around Manchester.

This morning, we had breakfast at Patisserie Valerie and went to see the Museum of Science and Industry.

I think he's an amazing friend. He's extremely smart and loves the boring stuff that I love.

I don't know if there might be something more to this. He's really sweet and seems keen on me. But I'm afraid that I don't come across as very smart, or very mature.

Things I never thought I had to worry about before. (LOL. The irony!)

Well, in any case, it has been a good weekend and I'm happy to be leaving Manchester knowing that there is a lot more here in store for me when I get back.

This is a beautiful city with a lot of hidden treasures just waiting for me to explore. :)

And then you take it away

I feel like if anyone were to read my blog, they'd think I was a depressed individual on the verge of suicide.

Perhaps sometimes they would not be that far off. Sometimes life gives you lemons but you just can't be fucked to make lemonade.

I had written a very long post about getting my heart broken, again, for the umpteenth time.

Then I decided to fuck it and went to get a shower.

Then I realised what was most important.

I'm not here to get love.

I'm here for me. I'm here to get a good degree, to enjoy myself and live life to the fullest.

I'm here to get everything out of my system.

I'm here to fuck it all and be me. Love me.

I'm gonna concentrate on my studies now, for my exams are coming up.

Perhaps it's a good sign that I can't get into a relationship right now.

Perhaps I need the reminder that I have to focus on this. On me.

I come first.

I always come first.

I love my shower. :D

She yaks like summer and walks like rain

When you're in a relationship with someone, there are good times and bad times. And because you care a lot for the other person, those good and bad times are multiplied ten-fold. Good times are amazing, bad times are depressingly horrible.

Right now, I'm experiencing a good time.

M's coming tomorrow (finally) and I could not be more thrilled.

And I get him for a whole three days. :)

He'll get to meet my friends, which is fantastic, and he'll get to see me drunk. Which isn't that great. :(

On a side note, I also got my money back, AND J actually apologised out of the blue today.

So, I suppose I've had a pretty good day.

Would've been better if I actually bothered to do my essay though.

=/

Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to

I don't know if I prefer being single or dating someone.

So many ups and downs, it's not even funny.

I don't think I have a lot of expectations though.. Do I?

Thinking back, thinking of you

And all is right with the world again. :)

It was amazing listening to his voice again. And his laugh.

I really can't wait to see him again. To be honest I don't know when we can meet again, but I'm sure it'll be soon.

You made me feel like the one.

Breathing in snowflakes

Okay. I really shouldn't be mad at him.

Because he really didn't do anything wrong. All he did was work too much and fall dead asleep as a result.

So really, it's not like he's leading me on, or doing this on purpose in any way.

Okay. I need to relax, take a deep breath, and try again.

I think he'd be worth it. But again, we'll just see.

No point putting so much pressure on something that may or may not happen.

I just hope this won't be a recurring thing.

I miss just talking to him.

I miss him cuddling me.

I think I'm sick of being lonely.

There's no one to look forward to seeing when I return home tired at the end of the day.

Why the fuck am I being so emotional about this?!

Fuck you, hormones.

Stop crying your heart out

I think I'm more calm now.

I say that with a hint of mild emotional blockage, really.

This week, I had battles with two friends, both of which I don't even know if I even consider friends anymore, for that matter. I also had a horrible episode with a sudden fever.

Today, I broke down because a date got cancelled, my body suddenly broke out into rashes due to an unknown allergy, one of which up till now I have no knowledge of, and my washing has mostly turned pink due to an ill-placed purple pair of jeans.

All in all, I'd say it wasn't the best of weeks. But I suppose, for the most part, it could have gone even worse.

Sometimes I need to sit down and remember how lucky I am, still. Sure, shit comes and goes. It rains heavily on you one moment, and then the sun comes up, and all is well. In the end, I have my health, my family, my friends, and I'm living life up (I'd take that phrase with a pinch of salt) in Manchester.

I'd like to think the real reason why I get so emotional is because there doesn't seem to be an outlet for me for that. I'm sorry, but I'm a girl. I get emotional sometimes. But lately, perhaps there hasn't been much to get emotional over. So perhaps when an actual reason comes, no matter how small, my heart grabs hold of it and milks it for all its worth.

Okay, that was probably the funniest load of bullshit ever, really.

In reality, there's really no reason why I should have been so upset.

My very wise, amazing friends have always given me good advice, some of which I honestly should start following.

I should start focusing on myself. And even if I'm still dating around, I shouldn't put all my effort into it until I'm sure it's something worth putting effort in. And sometimes, it's okay to be a little selfish, as long as there is a greater good to be served.

Hmmm.

In any case, I've been listening to a lot of Oasis lately. They calm the nerves. :)

"Cos all of the stars

Are fading away

Just try not to worry

You'll see them some day

Take what you need

And be on your way

And stop crying your heart out"

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

Guess I was right. As paranoid and as crazy and insane as I was... I was right.

So now what?

I don't know.

I'm sick of this. Just... getting hurt...

I wrote this in my blog last week or so. And then M and T came along.

And now, again, I have no one.

I have no one.

I'll probably always have no one.

Maybe it's just because I can't accept that.

That's why I put myself out there all the fucking time.

So.

What happens now?

I really don't know.

I suppose, for all intents and purposes... I am really, truly alone in this world.

Slip inside the eye of your mind

I really do need to slap myself silly.

I need to stop being so impatient and paranoid.

But it is SOOO much harder than I think.

----

In any case, I had a good night out.

It was nice hanging out with friends, getting to know new people, and just chilling.

Half of me wants tomorrow to come quicker.

Half of me doesn't.

Okay, Steph. LOW Expectations. LOW expectations.

So far, back in the dating scene, it hasn't been much of anything to comment on.

So, slow and steady, and maybe when you're truly ready, it'll happen.

All in God's grace.

Speaking of which, I really do miss God.

I need to find him and hug him proper.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

It's horrible to be sick.

My body aches and I feel like drowning.

Also, I get this feeling of complete uselessness.

Okay, lately my studies have not been the top priority.

I seriously need to pull up my socks, slap myself awake and concentrate more.

Before that though, I need to get better, and fast, because I really want to see M this Saturday.

I swear I'm trying not to fall in as quickly as I have before.

But it's hard, I suppose.

For one thing, if you know anything about me, you'd know that it's what I do. When I feel a connection, I fall deep, quick and hard.

I'm trying to hold back my feelings and tread about this slowly and carefully.

Trying to seize up what I'm dealing with here as opposed to jumping straight in.

So why do I like M?

Well, firstly, I like that he has a group of lads that he's very close to and would do anything for. It reminds me of my group of darlings back home. The group of best friends that I'd do anything for. That I love with my life. That're like family.

Secondly, I love that he has the firm mentality that the man should always be the one to provide. Although my mum had been the breadwinner of the family for most of my life, I know it kills my dad inside that he is unable to provide. Although I believe that as a woman, I should always be financially independent, I'm traditional in the mindset that the man should be the breadwinner in the household.

And of course, he's really cute, very smart and quite mature at times (except when he's being childish. Which can be quite cute at times, and quite annoying at others).

There're a lot more reasons why I like him but it's probably too many to type out.

I guess right now, I'm happy. Okay, not right now, because I'm just feeling depressed from being sick.

P.S. Hilarious that I'm only getting minimal page views from my home country but like more than half of the total views come from the United Kingdom and the United States. Would be nice if my readers could just give me a shout out. :)

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes'. (20 Things #1)

I've been rather active on my blog lately. I've decided to write down 20 things about me. Some are well-known facts, some aren't. In a few weeks/months/years, we'll see what has changed. (And perhaps I'll do another one in the future just for the fun of it.)

1. I have a third name which I chose for my confirmation. In all honesty, I didn't have to choose one, but all of my friends chose one so I decided, 'why not?' The name is Anne. (So essentially my full name is Stephanie Michelle Anne de Souza.)
2. I have a stuffed dog named 'Baby'. My mum found her at a bus stop when I was 11 and she's been my favourite stuffed toy since.
3. Baby has been to many countries with me. These include, but are not limited to, China, Japan, Taiwan, and the United Kingdom.
4. I have six best friends. 5 of them girls. Most subscribe to the view that you can only have one best friend (hence the word 'best'). But you know what I say to those people? Fuck off.
5. I'm engaged to one of my best friends on Facebook. We made that agreement when we were 16 and sick of guys. We have plans to settle down together and get a civil partnership if we don't find love by 40.
6. I've never had a serious relationship that lasted for more than a month.
7. I had a crush on an older female schoolmate when I was 13. She was my mentor and very 'butch' and I was so confused as a result.
8. I'm swearing off Dominos pizza until the end of this year. This started at the start of the summer and I haven't broken my personal oath thus far.
9. I have plenty of good friends. Some are closer than others, but all are treasured dearly.
10. I still can't believe my oldest brother has a child. Only because he will always be my annoying, childish older brother who can't stop pissing me off.
11. I cannot stand cockroaches. I can face lizards, most other incests, zombies, and the imminence of World War 3. But if you put a (dead or live) cockroach in front of me, I will run away screaming bloody murder.
12. If you EVER attempt to try number 11, I will bitch slap you so hard, your descendants will all be born with a hand-shaped print on their faces.
13. Candy makes me happy. You could make me upset, and give me cotton candy or some sweets, and I'll be cheerful again. (Please do not abuse this power.)
14. I have a slight dent near my eye from when I picked at my chicken pox as a kid.
15. I was one of those boy-band crazy little girls. I used to love Westlife, the Backstreet Boys, and N*Sync. I suppose I can pass no judgement on the kids in love with Justin Bieber and One Direction.
16. My favourite drink right now is Southern Comfort mixed with Coke.
17. I recently splurged on Gucci perfume because I thought I deserved a little treat (although the reason why varies every five minutes.)
18. I can't seem to be attracted to anyone other than Caucasians. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
19. I'm stupidly proud of the fact that I got Facebook ahead of most of my peers. (In late 2007.) When I got it, I could only find about 40 (or less) friends because no one else really had it then.
20. I am still largely undecided on whether I'd want to stay in the UK after my law degree. Something tells me I'd be basing that decision slightly on whether I get into a serious relationship during my undergraduate studies.

xxx