Come into my heart and we will never part

I dreamt that I almost got raped.

It felt just like a movie: the scene, the setting, the rapist...

I was at some family thing. I remember being in my bedroom when a guy, apparently my relative, came in. I forgot what he said but I started freaking out. The only thought on my mind was that I didn't wanna lose my virginity to this guy. It was so scary, I swear. I wanted to run out but he already locked the door. I started wailing as he came closer to me and I felt like 'this is it. My life is over.' I don't know how, but in my panic-induced state, i remembered that my phone was still clutched in my left hand. I discreetly scrolled down my contacts and called the first person I could think of; Joan. My family was still outside, I could hear them laughing. I don't know how, but I managed to wrangle out of his way and unlock the door, screaming for my mum and dad as loud as I possibly could. Joan was on the phone an I could hear her worried voice coming through the speakers. I could hear the guy right behind me and thankfully, that's when my dad decided to show up. As I heard my father yell at the guy, I crouched down behind my dining table, the phone pressed to my ear. I wasn't really talking to Joan but I kept apologising and wailing. She kept telling me to calm down and to count backwards from 9. After that, I only remember my mum and brothers and sister-in-law trying to console me.

I know this sounds terribly made-up and completely exaggarated on my part, but I swear to you that everything I wrote here is what I really experienced from my dream.

As I start off this new day, I can't help but still feel so violated and scared. I can't help but feel like I really did get almost violated.

I think I'm losing it. I'm about to go mad from the pressure.

If i can't even handle the first week of school, how am I supposed to deal with the other 51?

You took my breath but I survived

The first week of school has started. Already, I feel a sense of trepidation. I always knew the gap between my O'levels and my A'levels was short. I didn't expect it to be THAT short. I can barely stop to breathe.

My Chemistry teacher doesn't give me that feeling of 'I can do well'. I try to convince myself that she forces me to do my work, which is good. But I'm not that kind of student. If I don't like it, forcing me won't help me. It'll just give me more reason not to like it.

I need Chemistry tuition. Badly. Very badly.

Thankfully, my time-table looks a lot better than last year's. I promised myself that I would concentrate a lot more on school this year.

It's only the first week and I feel like I shouldn't be going to school just so I can finish my work. How quaint. Maybe I should try that.

Anyway, the only thing I look forward to is the weekend. However, next week approaching equals to having to go to bedok complex for swimming pe. Shit.

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

Parents are fighting again. Joy.

And I realise I don't like 90210. It's boring. It's like a glorified version of the hills.

And The Mentalist is cool because it's like Psych only less funny and more cute Simon Baker.

And TJC's open house is boring. I'm sorry.

But KFC and Pizza are awesome. :))

Parents are fighting. :(

A little bit caught in the middle

School's going to start soon. Oh shit.

And I'm completely hooked on Big Bang Theory. Not good.

And I get annoyed everytime I think about it so...

Welcome to my life. :)

We don't falter, we fight.

Some people are such assholes.

Not worth your time. Really.

Happy 2010

It's not a secret anymore.

I hope this year will be less crazy.

But more awesome.

A Happy New Year to everyone reading this.

This has gotta be the good life

There's this thing on facebook called 'Things I've done in 2009'. I wanna do my own original list.

THINGS I'VE DONE OR THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IN 2009

x Spent my first New Year's with the YC at Queen's Rally. (The night before was spent with my darlings.)
x Had a realisation that I really really liked someone. A lot.
x Got surprised by my best friends, my classmates and my church friends on the best birthday yet.
x Entered into TJC.
x Made great friends. (The Daffodils)
x Got real close to my classmates (Vonne and gang)
x Joined Council Nominations
x Dropped out of Council Nominations
x Joined Tennis and Band
x Made awesome band friends.
x Got involved in 5 church commitments.
x Got involved in SYF
x Broke down due to pressure, more than once.
x Awesome Stage Band (Played 'Marie')
x Awesome after-concert Band BBQ at my place
x First horrible results in many years.
x First compulsory remedial in many years.
x Skipped Chinese class
x Passed Chinese
x Dinners and days spent with my darlings
x Easter Vigil with my best friends
x Bought my first MC
x My first visit to a polyclinic
x Was Games Head for Camp Comm
x Struggled between band and camp for a month.
x Joined OCIP
x Cambodia trip got cancelled in August (H1N1)
x China trip got cancelled a week before departure (H1N1)
x Indonesia trip got cancelled night before departure (Ferry sank)
x Designed awesome banner anyway.
x Good Fiesta concert
x Awesome church camp
x Lessons learnt from organising camp
x Friendship almost ruined
x Friendship stronger as a result
x Heart got broken
x More than once
x Got closer to a lot more people.
x Made lists.
x Sang for Feast Day Dinner (Church A capella group)
x Laughs that never stopped
x Tears that formed oceans
x Mahjong only got better
x Project Work killed everyone
x Promo results were relieving
x Got my first Apple product
x In love with my Ipod
x Will be spending NYE with my darlings. (Upset that Nat's out. :(((( )

I will wait for the arrival of the New Year with joy.

A'LEVEL YEAR. :(((((

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

Lesson: Do not leave a facebook status unattended, especially if it's loaded.

Consequence: You don't wanna know.

Gosh, I feel so bad. :(

In the still of the night.

Tonight was awesome. Except one thing.

The acapella team is so great. And we really put in our utmost best. And I was so proud of everyone. Everyone. And tonight would've been just great. Except it was ruined at the last part.

I think little kids are so adorable. Clara was so cute, and Jade has a crush on Daniel. HAHA.

My lists are awesome cuz' people have a reason to be nice to me. HAHA. (Okay, it doesn't work. Really.)

Even though church didn't come through and give us any proper tables, in the end, it didn't matter cuz' I had a lot of fun with the gang.

Except my night so didn't end well.

Because of her, of course. It's like, she's become more in-your-face recently.

During dinner, I almost wanted to tell Joan that she was 'pretty okay, I guess.'

Then, of course she had to be herself. So, I mean, wow. I don't wanna say I hate her or anything, cuz' it really takes up a LOT of energy.. But she is soo not on my friend list. At all. Really.

Don't even know why it's affecting me so much. I'm doing so well on my own.

Probably decided to add spice to my apparently-not-seasoned-enough life.

Because that's who she is right?

Bitch.

Your body is a wonderland

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing, ring-ting-tingle-ing too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "You Hoo"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Fact One: Didn't have a very good Christmas Eve.
Fact Two: My family made it so much better.
Fact Three: My cousin and nieces are extremely cute.
Fact Four: It is possible to have too much turkey.
Fact Five: Staying up until 0530 is not the best idea ever.
Fact Six: I am not addicted to mahjong.
Fact Seven: Do not have Carlsberg as your first beer.
Fact Eight: I turn 18 in 1 month and 12 days.

Wishing all my readers and everyone out there a blessed and joyous Christmas!

I love you Jesus, deep down in my heart.

I came across a fallen tree

I feel like my heart got wrenched into half again.

Honestly? I don't know what hurts more.. the fact that it's final and this is it, or the fact that of ALL of people in the entire freaking universe, it had to be her.

I wish I had a magic wand. And I could change pathways so his would steer as far away as possible from hers. Actually, if I was gonna wish for things, I would just wish that his path would collide with mine.

No, actually, if I was wishing for things, I would wish that I was busy the whole of June and I didn't have the time to meet him. That day. Just kills me when I think about it.

I don't know what to do now. Because I don't think I'll ever accept it.

I think I need to stay away from all this. It's too much. A lot of things are happening at once. I don't want to put myself in the middle of anything right now.

I know he doesn't deserve me because his standards are obviously much lower than previously thought.

Actually, I feel a bit insulted.

After this sunday, contact with him will be as minimal as humanly possible.

MINIMAL.

We're digging right in your fears

This whole camp thing affected my friendship with Belle so much.

I never thought I wouldn't be mature enough to separate friendship from 'business' when it came down to stuff like this.

After project work, you'd think that you'd be prepare for a lot of 'work issues'.

Boy, was I proven wrong....

She's always been a little muddle-headed, but she makes up for it by being an awesome friend, able to listen to your problems and understand, and support you in whatever you do.

For the past few weeks, the only thing that seem to come out tops was her muddle-headedness.

It was scary because for a SPILT second, I felt like our friendship was gonna fall apart.

The split second was enough.

I didn't/don't ever wanna lose her as a friend because she means so much to me.

Yesterday was a wake-up call cuz' I realised how much I was letting it affect me. To the point that I didn't wanna talk to her anymore.

Joan and Anne were there to make sure I didn't do something stupid like that.

And she DID come through for me in the end.

Surprised as I was, I felt so utterly guilty.

I never stopped loving her as my best friend.

And I hoped that our common love for God and our friendship would be strong enough to pull through tougher situations.

But it's cool. Cuz' after this, I just know that the bonds have strenghtened.

And Christmas is coming. :)