It don't matter what you see.

I felt like I got ran over by two trucks.

Today I was Miss Cranky Bitch. I apologise to anyone who got the brunt of it... so basically, I'm sorry Mummy and Daddy.

Anyway.

I've finished packing.

And Operation F.M. is back on track... Although the progress will be extremely slow.

Extremely.

To Indonesia I go!

Everybody knows where we're going.

It was so embarrassing.

Just cuz' I wanted something I couldn't have.

Shouldn't have done it.

How am I supposed to take those steps if I continue to tread backwards?

I literally became someone I don't wanna be.

Awful.

Yuck.

Let's just hope no one noticed but me.

I want your disease

I realise I'm not ready.

Oh shit.

Bad Romance

All the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

You know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

All the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

If I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

Are we all wrong?

Mother just killed my entire day. Like that.

It was perfectly pleasant. Almost nice.

A few words killed it. Just utterly destroyed it.

I love my mother? But I wonder HOW IN THE WORLD she effing finds the PERFECT moments to make my life an EFFING living hell.

I am THIS close to screaming FOUR LETTERS out AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

Anyway, that's settled...

Today, I pretty much realise how insignificant my life is.

I know how 2012 was supposed to make you feel like 'woah'... but it really made me feel like if the world ended now... I don't know if I have much to show for it.

An O'level cert collecting dust in my closet? Mediocre grades in a top JC? An obvious lack of willpower shown by my diet? No experience in relationships?

Nope.. nothing.

I don't suppose I should be afraid should the Lord have his second coming... It's just such a waste.

And it is NOT easy being human. IF you're listening, my dear Father. ('Course you are..)

Anyway, I figured it's not worth moping over some guy. I have a full life to live. Why should I live it for anyone except myself?

And if I want to help other people just to make myself feel good?

So what? It's not like the other party doesn't benefit.

So, you know what? Screw everything. I'm gonna start living for me.

Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Je ne sais quoi

I am not going to China anymore.

Honestly, if you were to read my blog and go through everything, the above statement would be absolutely hilarious.

You'd think

'Didn't she have plans? Didn't she build up for this?'

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh.

I know God DOES have a plan for me? But sometimes I wish he'd just get there faster.

I hate it that everything MUST happen at once. That I can't even have my cracks spread out evenly across the wall.

If I were any less strong than I was, I'd kill myself now.

Yes, being the melodramatic one with the sharp kitchen knives but less than a few feet from my reach.

Anyway, I just gotta learn how to accept it right? Like those oversized shirts and socks they give you for Christmas.

'Oh yes! They look like things I've always wanted! Thanks Aunt/Uncle _____. I'm very pleased with my new ____!'

But inside, all you wanna do is to exchange those gifts for something else. It doesn't matter if you can't get something as 'worthwhile' as those socks/shirts/mugs/soap sets, as long as it's something you WANT.

And none of this is what I want.

So why is it I need to force myself to accept it?

I guess it starts with the other person, huh.

If you don't accept it, it doesn't only affect your life. It affects the lives of others.

Plus, it's not like you can do anything about it right? You can't possibly return anything to anyone.

So you accept.

Even if it means you gotta struggle through the next phase of your life wondering where you went wrong with these people.

This is completely je ne sais quoi.

The start of something new.

What do you want me to say? What I feel now is like...

I woke up yesterday slightly indifferent. Janice, Ping and Vonne were already there making sure I was awake.

Cycling with the girls was fun. My ass hurts, but otherwise it was awesome.

And then I woke up today. And it just seemed to flood back to me.

It hurts. It's painful. I feel like a knife struck me in my stomach and I can't get it out.

I don't regret doing it. At least I hope I don't.

I just don't wanna see him. I don't even know when I'll be ready to see him ever again.

Basically, I remember everything, and the severity of the situation is staring at me in the face.

I don't wanna regret doing this... So why does it seem like I never wanted that night to happen.

I tell people I made the right choice, but maybe I'm only telling it to them because I'm trying to convince myself that it's true.

It really hurts so much. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

I'm not angry at him.

But I just wish I didn't ever have to see him again.

I don't wanna hear his name or see his face until I come back in december.

Then we'll see.

It's all I ever needed you to know.

Dinner with Tammy was really fun. I'm really glad I'm getting really close to her. :)

We had dinner at Astons, and then retreated to BnJs (My darling boyfriends) to feast on Chunky Monkey, Strawberry Cheesecake and Cookie Dough.

I think I really enjoy having one-on-ones. Like, even more than I enjoy spending time with friends in a group.

It's really much more intimate, plus it's a great way to get closer to people you wanna know more about.

Having OP practice with the group now. This is the 'last time we'll ever be at Steph's house doing Project Work' as Janice so acutely mentioned. It's rather bitter sweet.

Sure, PW was as horrible as the day is long and it gave me horrible headaches and sleepless nights. But it was also fun to have this group to hang out with. I got closer to Alicia, Janice, Henry and Zong Yang as a result of PW. We've experiences things that can't be replicated outside of anything ever. And we've gone through shit together to the extent that no one else would exactly know how each of us felt unless they were part of this magnificent group.

I would now like to take this opportunity to thank the four of them. Every single one of them indeed made PW feel like it wasn't an extremely horrid thing to do. Sometimes, it was fun to just sit with my group and talk about nonsense. Yes, there were times that we didn't get much done? But in the end, I think we were as efficient as efficient gets.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! <3

So now, we shall continue to rehearse our oral presentation and I pray to God that it turns out very well.

Hunt you down

I don't like people who think they can mess with my good friends and get away with it.

I'm SORRY I don't get A's in any subject.

I'm SORRY I can't qualify for any H3 subjects.

You know what? I'm not that sorry. I get to spend the rest of my JC life with friends whom I love and whom love me. And I'll work hard to achieve whatever I want in life.

And you'll be lonely and sad. Because no one can stand an idiot who sprouts the F-word every 5 seconds. You barbarian.

I sure hope for the hell of you that your econs project goes well. If it ends up like your PW, you really won't have any friends left.

If any girl ever has an inkling of ANYTHING other than dislike for you, I wish her well.

If you come back

The long hiatus from band disippated my passion for playing. And one practice brought it all back.

That's how much I really enjoy music I guess. Even though I say I'm so sick of it already, I'll never mean it. Not entirely.

I decided to give Singapore Idol a try today. Basically because there was nothing else to watch on TV.

Less than 10 minutes into the show, I decided that it was indeed a waste of my life should I continue watching it. Basically, it wasn't even because the contestants had mediocre voices.

1) The judges were SO politically correct, they weren't even necessary. I mean, there's no bite. No edge. I know Ken Lim apparently somewhat offended the Tamil community before, but without the teeth, judging becomes THAT much more boring.

2) Florence Lian actually said 'sorry'. She criticised a contestant, which I believe was constructive and good for him, and THEN she apologised. If you were trying to mother him, then why let him enter? If you're gonna apologise for HIS mistakes, doesn't it show how he cannot stand a little critic and hence should not enter a COMPETITION?

3) Gurmit greeted the contestant after his performance by saying 'No matter what the Judges said, that was a DAMN good start to the show!' Okay. What. The. Hell. Was. That. Seriously. Even though the judges were super PC, you don't have to completely disregard their comments right? It could be seen as being biased. It could be seen as you thinking that the judging is completely irrelevant to the voting. And worst of all, it could be seen as entirely unprofessional and just plain stupid.

Anyway, the singing is not bad. I mean, I admit I was adamant about not watching the show because of its overrated-ness and mediocrity. However, the contestants aren't the ones spoiling the image of a 'Singapore Idol'. The rest of the show does the job pretty well.

I now have a tent that's undone and lying in my room. I don't know how to make it all nice and neatly folded again.

And I decided to ask out a guy whom I've been complaining is weird.

I can be such a loser sometimes. Seriously.

Every breath you take.

I feel happy today. This is an emotion which has an iffy origin.

It could be that my group's OP is coming along nicely and we only need a bit more of practice to fully nail this.

Or it could be that comment that Gorden made. He didn't notice me as I walked past him, so I called out his name. He looked at me surprised and gave a 'hey!' After that, he grinned and said 'Looking good.'

Haha! Gosh, I am SUCH a girl. I was blushing so much.

It made me feel good though. I guess cuz' I've never really been 'checked out' outside my family. Which completely doesn't count.

Anyway, I'm a happy girl. And I was counting my blessings on the train today. I have so many. :)

You are the weapon I choose.

I realise I can never get angry at him.

No. That's a lie. I can. Thing is, I can never STAY angry at him.

Not if I wanted to. Probably not if he ripped out my heart and left me to die.

I'd probably forgive him in a heartbeat if ever he looked at me with those pleading 'I'm sorry' eyes. Or that voice.

I don't think he realises how dangerous he is. He could very well hurt me to the extent where I'd stay paralysed forever. And I'd probably tell the prosecutor that I don't wanna press charges. And tell them to let him go.

I'm so screwed up, it's actually quite funny. And yet, I'll never stop. Not until he completely and utterly rejects me. Which will probably happen... Although he may have the heart to do it nicely. And how nice it could be. Fantastic.

And (get this, people!) I'd probably not even stop THEN! Yeah! Isn't it a laugh and a half? I'd probably still run to hug him even as he slowly gorges my heart out from its safe haven in my chest.

Like one of those things where you know you'll definitely get hurt. And yet you still insist on trying. Like touching the blue part of a burning candle. Or falling face-first into the icy-cold pool.

Or one of those things you do which you know you'd regret ever doing, yet do it anyway, because it just calls out to you. Like closing the bathroom door though you know extremely well that the broken lock only allows it to be opened from the inside.

It's a feeling only I understand. And you don't unless you know perfectly well what I'm going through. No one does actually. This is the one thing that cannot be indefinitely explained to any one person still living on this earth. Like the entire bible. Can't be explained.

The one thing good that probably comes out of this, is that it explains how I am most definitely not a robot. Even though I may be blue, green and yellow-brained (emergenetics), the only possible way which proves that I AM indeed a robot, is for me to look at this situation logically.

And NONE of this is logical. To the rest of the world, anyway.