Je ne sais quoi

I am not going to China anymore.

Honestly, if you were to read my blog and go through everything, the above statement would be absolutely hilarious.

You'd think

'Didn't she have plans? Didn't she build up for this?'

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh.

I know God DOES have a plan for me? But sometimes I wish he'd just get there faster.

I hate it that everything MUST happen at once. That I can't even have my cracks spread out evenly across the wall.

If I were any less strong than I was, I'd kill myself now.

Yes, being the melodramatic one with the sharp kitchen knives but less than a few feet from my reach.

Anyway, I just gotta learn how to accept it right? Like those oversized shirts and socks they give you for Christmas.

'Oh yes! They look like things I've always wanted! Thanks Aunt/Uncle _____. I'm very pleased with my new ____!'

But inside, all you wanna do is to exchange those gifts for something else. It doesn't matter if you can't get something as 'worthwhile' as those socks/shirts/mugs/soap sets, as long as it's something you WANT.

And none of this is what I want.

So why is it I need to force myself to accept it?

I guess it starts with the other person, huh.

If you don't accept it, it doesn't only affect your life. It affects the lives of others.

Plus, it's not like you can do anything about it right? You can't possibly return anything to anyone.

So you accept.

Even if it means you gotta struggle through the next phase of your life wondering where you went wrong with these people.

This is completely je ne sais quoi.