To thee I cry

You know how it is when you feel like you may be a few inches from falling off into an abyss?

I feel like that everyday now. As everything gets closer and things start to overwhelm me, I wonder exactly when I'm going to fall. Off.

Maybe it'd be soon. Maybe I'll fall now, and hopefully, the abyss is NOT an abyss and I'm able to stand up when I reach the bottom and start clawing my way to the top again.

Or maybe it's not as simple as it sounds. Maybe I'm meant to fall, never having to get up again.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe my contentedness, happiness, my smooth-sailing is supposed to end here.

I mean, I keep thinking that God has a plan for me, right? What if this IS his plan? He meant for me to fail to learn something.

Thing is, I DON'T want to learn something. Call it 'being too comfortable' in my own world, but I've been having it good for the past 17 years. Please don't let my fall be now.

I hope this is just me being paranoid. I REALLY hope this is the case. If it's not... I'm so screwed.

Guess what?

This morning, I had a laugh, which brightened the gloomy thought of it being 7am in the morning.

I saw someone in pyjamas. Someone. I won't say who though... cuz' it's not very nice.

And no... it wasn't someone in my family. -___-'' seriously.

But well, I didn't really expect to see that someone in PJs. Which was really REALLY cute. And I was so stunned. Cuz' I thought... you know.. he, like most people, would wear tshirts and shorts to sleep or something. But it was PYJAMAS.

Haha! I'm sorry if that someone happens to be reading this. It was just a very cute, kodak moment I needed to record so I can read this in 20 years and laugh. A lot.

Just wanted to let you know that when I saw him, I was so filled with mirth, I couldn't say any more than 5 words.

HAHAHAHA. :DDD

It's awesome to know that in the midst of all the PW and Promos drama, I can still find joy in the little things.

We're going down, down.

The PW timeline is tight.

And my promos are coming.

I need help.

When it all goes wrong, we walk.

I had a rather lazy day in school today. Exam mode hasn't kicked in. I'm feeling the worry and stress, yes. But I'm doing NOTHING about it. Which is... worrying.

Right now, I'm kinda gonna rely on the Lord a little over here. A little bit more than I should, really. I trust in him, so I mean, there's no harm in it right? I just hope I'm not killing myself over here.

Okay. School stuff out of the way.

I told Joan I would still be thinking about it. I still am. Can't get it out of my head. (Yes, yes, like the song...)

I keep thinking about... a lot of things actually. He's in my head a lot when I have nothing else to think about. Which is a little.. obsessive, maybe? Do you think that's obsessive?

It probably is, huh. Oh well, you can call me whatever you think I am. I really don't think I even care anymore. It just seems easier to keep thinking about him and not stop. It's a lazier method for one thing. And as you can probably tell, I'm feeling particularly LAZZZZYYYYY.

I want Alex boy to post the pictures soon! I want to see my 'Model Shots'. These are a series of kawaii pictures Steph took of me during lunch yesterday.

She went, 'Work it, Steph! Show me 'commercial'! 'High fashion'!' I just gave her a -____- look. And then I did the kawaii shots cuz' I feel sooooo kawaii! (haha.)

During the retreat, I actually cried when Joan smiled at me and said 'I love you' after my sharing. I really felt love. Sometimes, I can't believe I'm so blessed with such awesome friends.

It makes everything worth it. Even the miserable 'He likes me, he likes me not' hours.

I'm a mercedes benz! Vroom, vroom! :DDDD

I want to own an Audi. But my goal is this precious darling right here. :D

Now and forever

"I really can't bring myself to look at him when he stares at me like that. I look away fearing that one look will lock our eyes together permanently. I can't do that. He'll know."

I was typing happily away on blogger when my finger slipped and it brought me back to the previous page. Which meant my entire post was gone. Which is not cool, really.

Anyway, I just returned from my YC retreat (which I'm not gonna blog about... yet, anyway.)

Instead, I was going to bathe and go sleep.

However, I decided to pay my facebook a quick visit. There's this application called 'God wants you to know...' which displays inspirational messages or little random things you may want to know? Mine was:

The moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now.

The scary thing: I DO know what they are talking about. And even though it's obviously a random thing they send out, it's really too much of a coincidence.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should read my post a few days ago.. about my conversation with Joan.(September 10 2009) It's scary. It's really scary. I don't want to make a decision now? But, well, recent events have suggested that I do.... This is one of them. ONE of them...

So how?

You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
Now and Forever - Richard Marx

But we walk the plank on a sinking ship

My life is just... PW PW PW PW PW PW PW PW.

You know? If you look at the word long enough, it just looks like 'pow'. "Pow pow pow pow pow."

I really CAN'T wait for it to be over, although it has been fun working with my group members. :) And the silly things we do. That's always fun.

You know? I've been having weird dreams lately. Not weird good, or weird bad... Just... it's horribly annoying not being able to interpret my dreams, you know?

I was sifting through my drawer and I found the pieces of paper we got during Camp Daniel last year. There was one on dream interpretation, which I thought COULD be useful? But it wasn't.. The bottom line was 'your dreams are normally what YOU interpret it to be.' Which doesn't help much...
But just looking at those papers brought back so many memories from last year. The fun I had, the friends I made. And it was just one of those experiences that you don't want to forget, you know?

***Okay. I am completely freaked out by 'Friday the 13th' that my brother is playing in the living room. I'm trying to blast music through my headphones, but everytime there's a pause between songs, I hear screaming and I want to vomit.***

Anyway, I should get going.
I'm supposed to be studying.

And I'm having YC retreat over the next two days. :)

Dreams are just...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side


Doesn't this feel like a literature text?

Cheese mixed with onions and crackers.

Project Work will kill me if Promos don't take me first.

If you find me lifeless and cold on a sidewalk in the middle of October, tell my mother I love her.

Because I'm a Gossip Girl

Till tonight do us part

Dealing with menstrual cramps is not fun. It hurts. A lot.

But a day off school is something I can handle fairly well.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were never born?

And I'm so sorry, but not really.

I think I should just lock up my computer.

You’re a canary, I’m a coal mine
Cause sorrow is just all the rage
Take one for the team
You all know what I mean

And I’m so sorry, but not really
Tell the boys where to find my body
New York eyes, Chicago thighs
Pushed up the window to kiss you off

I've got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers. - Fall Out Boy


She walked into the room. Her eyes carried unshed tears that echoed years of bitterness which never found closure. She eyed the room unconciously, her eyes settling on an old dresser standing proudly in the corner. In a quick flash of movement, she crossed the bed and grabbed the sides of the aged furniture, shaking it violently. Her tears silently wet her face as she abused the dark brown oak, giving it a hefty push as she growled with frustration. The sound of wood smacking onto the wall seemed to wake her up. Her eyes blinked wide as she stared at the brutally, manhandled dresser. Something shiny on the floor caught her eye; A letter opener with elegant carvings on its handle. She slowly bent her aching knees, reaching out for the attractive object. Her long fingers curled themselves around the blade and she could feel warm liquid stain her palm as she tightened her fist. Drawing the knife closer to herself, she slowly opened her fist and stared at the beautiful markings on the handle, now stained with red. Her vision blurred once more as tear drops fell onto the knife, cleaning it of the crimson. Throwing the knife down, she abruptly stood up and dragged the back of her clean hand across her face, cleaning it. Then she walked towards the open hallway, never once looking back.

You're not here with me.

And school started. Not good.