And we shake, shake, shake the hips in relationships.

I was having a pretty nice talk with Joan. Like, our usual bantering online. (Before her internet screws up and she keeps disconnecting from MSN.)

And well, she got me thinking. I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

At first, I thought I could just let things happen, it didn't really matter. Like, how the others turned out. But this is different. If I do something very simple, it could bring about a WHOLE bout of implications. I'm talking, a LOT of consequences I don't even wanna mention.

And I'm already at a point where I do think I should make a choice. Do I move on? I mean, things become pretty complicated after this, I think. It's like, either I get even more sick of what is happening, or I do what Joan says, and make a choice. Now.

Oh man.. when did this turn into some korean soap drama?

I imagine what I used to do to try to turn things around, and I laugh. Because they seem stupid, and naive and childish.

Really. It's pretty hilarious.


No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this - Desert Rose by Sting

Try again or walk away

I'm going to study. Really.

You know? Recently, I keep thinking of my superman. (This is what Chuck coined as my crush.)

It's funny really. How much I want it to happen? But knowing that nothing will ever happen anyway.

Plot it out in black and white.

"And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me. Though I carried karats for everyone to see. And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies."
Golden - Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High

I was watching Angels and Demons just now. It was okay, I guess. The thing about movies is that.. they're fun to watch, but there're rarely any movies I watch more than once. (Or rather, ones that I'm WILLING to watch more than once.) It's just that, my imagination is rather wild. Books just give me that much of an edge to imagine the entire scene, and not just have it plonked in front of my eyes yelling, 'Hey! It's ALL here. Just look.'

People who think the movie was awesome, good for you. Honestly. I have no qualms about it. It's just what I prefer. I absolutely ADORED the book, btw. Dan Brown may not be the best guy I turn to for my religious needs, but BOY can he write. I've read his book twice, and if not for the fact that my brother borrowed it and my exams are fast approaching, I'd read it again. And again.

Right now, Chuck is my only reader. I think. Haha! Hey Chuck! *waves frantically.*

Yes, I should give this a bit more time. Anyway, it doesn't matter. If Chuck's the only one that's gonna be updated on my happenings, then good for him! :D

I woke up at 7 today to go for math class. It wasn't a complete waste of time.. Mr. Ng actually got me 'inspired' to do my tutorials. I'm now somewhat at 22. (Just a day ago, I was hovering along 20.) Which is good, I guess. I mean, I honestly SHOULD be doing more.. But at least I started on something.

Again, I was supposed to file my notes and prepare for the exams.. And I was supposed to do that while watching Angels and Demons. However, I didn't. There's no excuse really. Bottom line is, I didn't clear out my haphazardly-placed notes and now, I have to waste time to do it. I'll probably do it on saturday though, cuz' if I leave it for these few days, I never get any studying done.

Basically, life for me seems so dreamy I could pinch myself and it probably wouldn't hurt. (If anyone reads this and PINCHES me as a result... You watch out.)

I'm not saying it has been a fantasy.. Just that it HAS been rather surreal.. Hmm.

Anyway, I had a dream about a VERY unexpected person last night. That guy happens to be in my band. Apparently, he moved near my house.. And (honestly, I can't remember much.) he was being RATHER annoying. Like, I remember my parents scolding me.. and him being there. Should I assume he had something to do with it? Lol.

I won't name names unless you ask me personally. It's unimportant anyway, just an odd dream.. What's even more odd is the fact that this is the SECOND time I've dreamt of him. It's honestly VERY random. Especially since I rarely see him around school anyway. (Maybe this is the spirits' way of saying I'm not seeing him enough. HAHA.)

And there's my 8 days magazine staring right at me. Just smiling. (Well, actually, there's a picture of the grumpy old man from 'Up' on it.)

So I shall read it.

Until then,

Does it look like I'm back?

Okay. First of all, I DID tell you the last post was gonna be the LAST for a VERY long time.

And a very long time it has been.

I told Chuck I was gonna revive my blog. Or try to at least... and this couldn't have been a MORE stupid time to do it.

I mean, I have promos coming up in a month.. And blogger's all weird, so this is coming out REALLY odd... PLUS I'm supposed to be doing work now and I'm not.

*****

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'll take this slow.. I know having a blog never works out, so if this dies again, it dies. No big deal. Then maybe in a year, I'll revive it again. Again, what's the difference, right?

After reading some of my old posts, you really can't believe how much I've grown up. All those stupid things I've said or done. Silly, really. Makes me laugh now that I think about it.

I'm in Temasek JC now.. (I just read a post about how I couldn't believe I had 'finished a year in TKG'. Well...)

I have new friends, and I'm still very much in contact with the old ones. Facebook is how I get my updates, as with mostly everyone else..

I'm just trying to survive as of now..

Last December, I had a revelation that made my head spin. I was thinking it through and it didn't seem possible that such a thing could happen.

But it did.

And now I'm living in a world with half-fantasies, half-reality. You know? The kind of world that bring you from each realm by hitting you hard in the face so you fall on your back and think, 'Oh right. Okay. switching time.'

Okay, I'm sure you wanna know what happened. I won't beat about the bush.

I like someone.

Yeah, wow. Big deal, huh. I'm 17, totally out-of-this-world that I have a crush.

Only it may not even BE a crush. Which is quite confusing.. because it's hard to say what it is, right? I mean, there's no definite 'Okay, dear. THIS is love.. THISSSS *points to second person* is just infatuation. And THISS *points to teddy bear* is just stupid.

I'm not saying it's 'love' either. Seriously? You don't just do that. All I'm saying is that... This one feels different. OR maybe ALL the ones felt different in ways that I can't comprehend. And this is all a complete ploy to waste my precious emotional resources.

At this point, I can't even confirm that I am indeed making sense.

All I'm saying is that it's crazy how sometimes, you wanna hug and kick a person away. AT THE SAME TIME.

Can you imagine that scenerio? It'd be something out of one of the episodes of 'jackass'.

It's one big emotional cycle that I don't ever want to TRY and figure out.

It's just life, I guess.

***

Well, this was refreshing. Honestly. All my thoughts spilling out on digital canvas. I mean, I know how sometimes, even Joan can get a bit sick listening to my nonsense? She'll say that's untrue. But even I would get sick of me..

I love her though. And my darlings. I don't ever wanna lose them.

LEAVING YOU WITH.. FOOTBALL.

I know I haven't posted in centuries, but with the O'levels eating my brain and all, I'm just gonna say that this will be the last post for a very long time.

So this is saying bye bye, with my favourite team EVER. PORTUGAL.

They played so well so far in Euro 2008. I think, whether they manage to clinch the championship or not, they deserve LOTS of acknowledgement. (:

The team:

Cristiano Ronaldo may be the star, but Deco is still my favourite. (: (I also like Ricardo, Nuno Gomes and Pepe. haha!)

And of course, who could forget their wonderful coach (he's heading for CHELSEA??), Felipe Scolari!

Be smart, support Portugal. ((:

Haiz.

Sure, why not? Everyone else thinks so. This just adds icing to the cake. I guess I should not be surprised. Oh well, I think I feel quite emotionless now.

When I said I hope I never get hurt. Well, screw that now, huh.

Just thought I could have something real for a change, is all.

Sigh.

Oh look, ma, a peanut!

Is it okay to sigh over and over and over again in tremedous happiness?

My mood went from absolutely over the moon.. to indifference.. to some sadness (and a bit of jealousy) to wonderful bliss again.

I really don't know.. the last time this happened, i kinda got hurt quite badly.. of course no one really knows the whole story..

Anyway, I'm so over that.. and i'm so glad this happened. Hopefully, I made the right choice this time!

To those who know what I'm talking about, I'm really glad I told you guys, cuz the last time was painful and oh-so-lonely. Now, I have shoulders to cry on! (: (Although I hope I never have to use those shoulders.)

Oh, I really hope something happens. I really do.

My Con4 Camp Experience: A letter to the YC

Hey guys! I feel the need to share my POV! (point-of-view.) Since I'm one of the two teens in the YC that were also part of the teens in the camp. (Erm.. did that make sense? I seem to make no sense with my words sometimes.. btw.. what does Y-CIA or YC CIA stand for?)

Anyway, I honestly felt really indifferent towards camp. This was mainly because I don't exactly like the Saturday teachers and Andrew and Manny kept stressing that the YC could only help out and not organise the camp and i didn't know to what extent the helping out would be and whether camp would be fun or just like the YISS sessions.. well, you get my point.So yeah.. the period of which we were on the bus almost reaching Choice Retreat Centre, Steph (i THINK..) said 'We're gonna give you guys numbers now so remember them.' and i was thinking 'oh crap.' So fantastically smart us decided to split ourselves with the other clique so they would HOPEFULLY number us in the same group. of course who knew there were supposed to be 14 groups. (at point.. i kinda wonder why since there were like.. 60 of us only.)

And when in the lunchroom, the only reason why it was hard for you guys to get us settled was because EVERYONE was trying to find a way to exchange numbers.. group numbers.. not handphone ones... (there! i admitted it! i was in a way, guilty as well. ): ) Okay, here's the reason why. (if you haven't guessed yet.) The Sunday girls (yes, nat, belle and i included.. surprise surprise.) are the loud, opinionated 'TOO-DAMN-enthu' group. The Saturday girls are the KC, bimbo, boy-crazy ones. And the boys.. well, i don't really know what their problem is.. maybe they don't have one. So we (the girls, mostly) were afraid of mixing. It was like mixing pepper with ice-cream. Dangerous.

So anyway, in the end, the groups were still all confused up. (I promise that I was really trying to be cooperative because I saw how Sharon and Steph were very upset and I felt truly bad.) And I was in the group with Sam Chan and a couple of the saturday girls. We were supposed to be grouped up with the saturday boys but they ran off somewhere. Lunch I feared. I somewhat knew Amelia (manny's cousin) from Camp Incredible, but still...Anyway, it turned out much better than I expected. our group really clicked, even breaking out into laughter which was NOT what i expected. I even somewhat found cleaning up fun because we ALL did the dishes together and were quite icked at the digusting oily dishes in the sink.

OKAY, moving on... the first session was quite alright. The songs got stuck in my head for a while and we kept singing 'I am a C' in the shower. The group sharing was alright too.. my group shared quite a bit.. there were awkward moments of silence but it was short and few, thankfully.The adoration of the Lord was the best part. I don't know why, but I love that feeling when Jesus seems to be smiling at you and his presence just seems so obviously there. Okay, I know why. Anyway, I remember the time I experienced that in Camp Incredible, I cried. This time, I just felt very peaceful. And a little happy. (but not so much so like Liana.) We ended off playing games with the boys. The only reason that happened was because we got to know them more in our groups, so actually, it was Steph and Sharon who kinda gave that little push. (clap clap clap.)

It was really fun hitting people and screaming names. You should try it. And we ended the day off feeling really happy and not a bit regretting our decision to come here.

The second day was much better, as you guys have mentioned. I think we really settled down both in camp and in our groups. The session felt less draggy and more interactive, the people felt more easy-going and less 'emo-like'. The session after lunch, when Francis started to talk about our parents, it was really intense for some people. I remember feeling quite happy about my parents, and couldn't really grasp that others did not feel the same way. When alot of people started crying, I started to wonder if I was lacking something.. (kinda like Francis yearning for that holy spirit feeling.)

Anyway, the praying over made those troubles slip away and I felt peaceful again. Just before we were supposed to get ready for mass, the whacko group (i mean the game.. not the characteristic) found someone's itinerary paper.(Trust me, I felt really bad because Manny had said we were not supposed to look at it when we had asked him before.) So that's why a lot of people weren't surprised when our parents showed up.

After mass and all that, francis made us build the bridge over the sunday, saturday nonsense. I went over to some quiet girls in the saturday class that i merely exchanged pleasantries with before. Then, Pete kinda knocked some sense into us. Which i felt was totally true AND needed. I mean, some of the girls were still reluctant to move and even though I felt quite upset that they were being too stubborn, I guess in a way, I still have that prejudice in me. (A built-up feeling of 3 years takes more than 3 days to brush away, sorry.)

After all, I guess we're all still his children. And even though things might stay the way it was before camp, camp would never be forgotten.I think i may have kinda went overboard there with all them words.. So i shall sum it up. EVERYONE will totally agree with me when I say that no one regrets the YC helping out. (the extent of which is about maybe 80 to 90%?) I guess even though I've been with the YC for like.. less then 2 months, I thought I had seen all there was to see about the group.

But when I saw Aloy kinda getting mad on the first day then telling us we were the best group he facil-ed in a while, and when I saw Steph and Sharon for the first time getting stressed up and STILL persevered on with helping us, and Pete's speech that had everyone feeling super ashamed of themselves (yours truly, included.) I guess I know now that there's more to the YC. I SO don't regret joining super too early. and I SOO hope there's more to come.

You've been Whacko-ed by,
Steph Michelle.

BACK not for good.

I know, I know.. i haven't posted in a VERY long time. Like, extremely. Thing is, I was too lazy.. plus.. it's quite annoying sometimes to write things on a computer.. OKAY, i was just lazy.


Anyway, the best thing happening so far was Confirmation camp.. of which i shall post my email to the YC later. Right now, it's rant time.

Honestly, my stomach is aching, and it's not because of the prata i had for lunch. Someone (let's call her K) told me something today that I just ran through in the shower and thoroughly processed. Result: Conufsion spreading through my entire body like wildfire.

Truth to be told, I wanted to talk to someone about this.. but my options were clearly limited, and option number 1, joan, was not yet back home. Other options seemed too.. I don't know how to describe it.. not enough? not understanding enough? I really didn't know who to talk to.. so i decided to put it on my blog. Okay.. NOT the best decision in my life, but i've made worse.

Anyway, since it's going international, i'm thinking I have to be VERY vague, which in my case is NOT the best solution because my insides are figuratively rotting and DYING from upset.

So here's the BIG question: What if things change? What if somethings happen and everyone just moves away from each other? I thought this was the best time of my life, but clearly, it's not going very well, as planned. I mean, I JUST figured out the WHOLE scheme of things recently after MUCH thought and planning, and then THIS happens?? What the HELL am i? A DRAMA case??

I really hate this. Truly and honestly. Thing is, I don't blame her. But she just messed up something in my life. She practically took my guts, pulled them out and starting grinding them into little pieces. She didn't mean it, trust me. But I can't help what I feel.

What can I do now? I really didn't know how to react at first. What was I supposed to do.. What COULD i say that would seem to console the both of us? I didn't do much. And even though I forgot the most part somewhat during the day, it came squiggling its stupid way back into my head. And TADAH!

Right now? I feel so confused. Utterly and desperately with some dumb cherry on the top. My mind is a muddle, I feel EXTREMELY lousy, and I want to cry.

But I can't, because I have tuition in an hour and I don't want my NEW teacher thinking I'm an idiot for puffy eyes and a blocked nose.

I can't concentrate on anymore, I can't take it for now. I REALLY need someone to talk to.

My heart is full of mixed emotions, I feel so sick I could throw up.

Why is this affecting me so much?

How the hell am I supposed to concentrate on my O'levels with this stupid thing twirling its way through my system?

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME??!! I will always hate you for that.

STICK MAN

I was playing Stick RPG this morning.. it's a game where you control the life of a ,well, stick man. Especially in areas of Intelligence, Strength and Charm. Don't belittle my net worth.. I earned it in 76 days... Yes, the top states 'long game: 100 days' but I died early. The cause? A barfight. Because I kept winning the fights, i wanted a closer fight.. I got that wish; he won.

Anyway I posted this cuz it's cool.. In less than a 100 days, I was able to become CEO (the highest post in the cooperation.), rob the bank with ease (most of the time.) and beat up many guys.. some stronger than me..

Hehe.. Or maybe I was just looking for a topic to post on. Anyway, if you think you can beat me, be my guest: http://addictinggames.com/stickrpg.html

So, how was your Chinese New Year, so far? My 'intake' increased because my father kept emphasising that it was my birthday. Haha.. that was funny.

Going to Gordon's house today for YC gathering.. can't wait!

Singing a song, the music that you like.

It's two days to my birthday! Actually, the event of the year (for yours truly) already passed successfully, and I would like to thank all those that came. (:

I also wanna thank you guys for all your gifts, cuz they rock. (:

Basically, this was what happened (to the best of my recollection)

Dione and Jessie came over after band and hung around for a bit. We ate a light lunch (I think..) and they did the online tests. Nat came at 4 on the dot. (I was a little surprised..) followed by Russell Peh (the little rascal.) my darling juniors (Arra, Vanessa, Charmain and Thahira) and Mel (my loyal fan and section helper.), and then Anne. (the spastic darling.)

After that we brought all the food down and I forced them to mingle. MWAHAHA. (of course, after a while, that didn't work.) I think Russell can blend in very well, though, because he is so cute sometimes. hehe.

Joan came after that, then Belle and Elaina... (I'm not sure of the order.. that's rusty.) then Claire, Kris, Deannie, and the Rachels. After that we ate! (Actually, they were ALL waiting for the satay. Darn them.)

Russell went swimming in his underwear! My gosh.. Mel and gang were a little horrified.. We sang thahira's 'Doh, I drank a pint of beer' shirt song in canon... Mel went to aligned snails (!!!).. Atara was created! (My darling Arrara) Russell almost cried because we bullied him and so on.

When I finally was able to get my dinner, it was interrupted by a chain of calls. Everytime a bite barely made it into my mouth, 'Built to Last' by Melee played. Sharan came, then Ping, then Joshua.

They played screaming bridge and hide-and-seek. I played a couple of games and practically went everywhere to make sure everyone felt happy and satisfied. The funniest incident was went Ping went swinging sideways, almost colliding into Dione. Sure, they didn't find it funny, but I was laughing my guts out.

Deannie thought Joshua's name was George (I don't know why..).. We threw Belle's slipper into the pool (which went unnoticed by her even when it was in front of her face.) I went screaming at the boys when they continued to play soccer after I warned them not to, My party suddenly turned into cliques.. (The band-ers, the Crazy bridge people, and the church friends plus dione and elaina..) Belle and Elaina went missing during hide-and-seek (I KNOW they're suppose to do that, but when the seekers don't seem to care anymore, something's wrong..) I didn't get to eat my mum's dessert, (OR my own birthday cake, for that matter.) and Mel and Ping sprayed party ribbons at me which sent me screaming like a crazy person.

Anyway, after the main festivities died down, they slowly went home, one by one.. Mel and Ping kissed my sweaty cheeks! Hehe.. And then Arrara followed!! Haha!

After that, Anne, Belle, Dione, Joan, Joshua and I were left to wait for the YC. And then, Dione left. We waited, and waited... (and waited.) and FINALLY, they arrived. Andrew is such a funny guy! This was the convo we had on the phone..

Andrew: Are you guys upstairs already?
Me: No. We're at the BBQ Pit.
Andrew: Ok.
[Pause]
Me: Do you know where the pit is?
Andrew: No.
Me: Oh, it's near the pool.
Andrew: Okay.
[Pause, again.]
Me: Do you know where the pool is?
Andrew: No.
Me: Go ask the guard.
Andrew: Okay.

Hehe. Anyway, the people who came are as follows..: Andrew, Carisia, Russell Chiam, Aaron, Steph, Bridget, Nat, Manny, Steven, Peter, Sharon... I THINK that was it.. I REALLY can't remember.. So sorry if i left someone's name out!!

So yeah... they got me my best boyfriends; Ben and Jerry's. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough!!! And Chocolate Fudge Brownie.. But I like the Cookie Dough more.. Joan liked the Fudge, so she ate most of it. We were complaining about our catechism classes and teachers.. (If you wanna know more go to the con class blog.) and playing Daidi! I rule, of course. Mwahaha. Andrew kept ending up as the Asshole.. but I helped him and he managed to wrangle a role as a commoner in the end! Whoo! Sharon plays really big.. (So do I lah.) and Manny complains that I can't count. (because I always put at least 5 cars higher than the previous one.) I still think Peter's so much fun to poke fun at.. When I asked him how old Andrew was, he replied something that sounded like '20 years younger..' (U know.. all the Lin siblings seem to talk real softly sometimes..) So I told him that either he was 48 or Andrew was 5. So he said 'Yeah, I'm 48.'

Anyway, I still think that my brothers are really immature.. they still act like little boys around me, anyway.. Like, I feel like I'm the older sister around...

Okay! That's about it for my party! Now that my computer's on the fritz again, and I need to get my snooze on, I shall say Au Revoire! Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

Sun's going down.

It looks like I'll be blogging even less now.. but not before I TRY to give a special post on my birthday party. Before that happens, I would like to say something: To all those who know about the party but failed to get invited, I am truly sorry. I guess I'm feeling really bad now because I generally hate not pleasing all people. The reasons I didn't invite many range from awkwardness, fear of people being left out, too many people, et cetera. So, if it's YOU, you probably fall into one of the above catergories.

I have tried studying again.. I'm guessing it's okay, but I NEED to try much harder.

Let's just say, I hope I don't fall over after receiving this term's results, they might be fatal.

Cheers to all and have a happy chinese new year! (In the event I fail to post anymore.)

Happy 150+ th post! I have kept this blog sane for over 3 years, with long periods of heavy silence in between. (: