And you coming back to me is against all odds.

I think this is one of the first few times in my entire life where I can't seem to picture my future. It's just a mess of blurriness. I don't know where I'm going to end up, where I want to end up.

I love Singapore, I do. It's my home. It's where I grew up, it's where my family is. It's where everything is comfortable and familiar. It's where I speak Singlish, where my friends are. And yet, I don't feel like I belong here much anymore. I feel too large for this little red dot (in more ways than one). I feel too constricted by certain rules and regulations.

And then there's the UK. It would be beyond scary to move there permanently. I've gotten used to certain things in that country, and yet, it would be different once my friends leave, and I'm there alone. Struggling to build a life there on my own. All alone. And yet, the possibilities are endless. I could thrive, or I could sink. It would be an adventure to call my own.

I really don't know what's gonna happen in a year. To be honest, I'm just trying to get past this phase in my life. It's still a bit hard. And as I was doing laps round the pool today, I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that, well, maybe I might end up alone.

And in all honesty, that idea didn't really scare me. I mean, I've always been a rather independent girl. I've had mild glimpses of what it would be like to be in a relationship. Very mild. Like... tip of the iceberg sort of glimpses. And well, maybe that's just it.

To be honest, trying to find your 'other half' after university becomes somewhat of a herculean task. When I start working, I'm pretty sure I'd be spending most of my time dedicated to my job. After all, that's how I've been doing it all my life. Focusing my time and energy on things I love and am committed to. So, dating options might be relegated to those speed dating type nonsense and online dating. And we all know how the latter option worked out. I'm really not being resigned to fate here. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not being whiny.

I'm just saying, if I were to end up alone. I'd be okay with that. Because at least I loved and lost, and we all know that's better than never having loved at all.

To be honest, I always thought being in a serious relationship would make my decision on whether I'd be living in the UK or in Singapore more certain. But it truly doesn't. I feel like I'm being forced to choose quicker, if only to ease the worries of both parties.

So yeah, here we are. At this point, I'm really not unhappy. I can't exactly say I'm happy either. While the fate of my relationship continues to hang in the balance, with me having absolutely no control at this moment on the outcome, I can't really do anything but wait patiently for the verdict. I don't want to hope too much for a 'good verdict', and yet I don't want to completely give up as well. It's a fine balance. Too fine. I suppose, for the most part, I'm just mostly watching Masterchef Australia and doing nonsense to my hair.

I shall straighten it tomorrow. And it will be the first time it has been straightened in 2 years.

Ooh lah lah!