Her eyelids felt heavier than the current world champion in wrestling. Her head was perched on her arm, dangerously leaning too close to the left, about to fall off the unbalanced limb. The cries of the soft, plush pillows on the bed did not go unheard. She kept peeking at them through the corner of her eye, silently telling them that she did want to join them in holy matrimony, and soon. But as of now, she couldn't. She couldn't form a bond with the silky bedsheets and warm duvet. She couldn't let her body succumb to the sweet caress of a good night's sleep. There was just too much to do.
She gave herself the pleasure of closing her eyes for just a second. The danger of that action was apparent when she felt her brain give in to the familiar motions of falling asleep. Quickly, she blinked her eyes open again and lifted her head from her arm, giving her head a quick shake before focusing on the table before her. The huge stack of papers before her seemed to mock her tiredness and desire to go to bed. They seemed to have an endless supply as well, seemingly increasing in depth every time she picked up one sheet.
"Why did I have to choose this life?" She moaned quietly as she snatched another sheet of paper from the sheet with a little more force than was necessary. It wasn't her fault, really. She had two choices. A business degree and then being prepped to take over her father's laundry business, or an English degree and then a scholarship to do a course in teaching, subsequently working for a public school. She wanted to do the business degree. Her father was getting on with age and needed a successor quickly. However, with business profits slowly declining, along with her father's ability to move quickly and the emergence of those new automated dry-clean machines, they could not afford to send her to a good university to get a business degree worth doing. The English degree came attached with a scholarship and a guaranteed job after graduation. The choice became a lot easier to make.
She buried her face in her hands, secretly wishing the pile of papers on her desk would be gone when she reopened her eyes. No such luck. As the warm bed beckoned once more, she threw her hands up in frustration and let out a tired groan. She couldn't take it anymore, it was time for bed.
This is a girl. This is her blog. That's pretty much the gist of where you are now on the internet.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
So I cross my heart and I hope to die that I'll only stay with you one more night
I like being busy.
It keeps the unwanted thoughts at bay and it keeps me from feeling like a bum.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get addicted to being busy. Of course, saying that, my body begged for a rest after a week of being out till late every night.
I actually enjoyed having something to do every night. Enjoyed the nights out with friends, even the occasional tuition with the too-adorable kids.
Honestly though, I can't wait to go back to the UK. Can't wait to live in my new apartment with Kammy. Can't wait for the crazy nights with Sheng, Linisha, and the rest.
Had a fantastic talk with Belle last night. Even got a free drink out of it.
And with my brain cells being entirely sucked up by the miscreants in school, I have very little else to say.
It keeps the unwanted thoughts at bay and it keeps me from feeling like a bum.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get addicted to being busy. Of course, saying that, my body begged for a rest after a week of being out till late every night.
I actually enjoyed having something to do every night. Enjoyed the nights out with friends, even the occasional tuition with the too-adorable kids.
Honestly though, I can't wait to go back to the UK. Can't wait to live in my new apartment with Kammy. Can't wait for the crazy nights with Sheng, Linisha, and the rest.
Had a fantastic talk with Belle last night. Even got a free drink out of it.
And with my brain cells being entirely sucked up by the miscreants in school, I have very little else to say.
Monday, August 13, 2012
When you finally find what's beautiful
Eyelids are drooping. The bright lights of the square room fill the room.
A hint of inspiration comes and leaves.
But some nights, you just have to give in.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle.
It's not about what you've done,it's about what you're doing.It's all about where you're going,no matter where you've been.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I've been wond'ring 'round the house all night, wond'ring what the hell to do.
I'm sure as you grow up, the number of things you regret increase. Perhaps even exponentially, as you start making millions of decisions, some harder than the rest.
I really do wonder about the extent of regret. You realise the 'what if' situations stay in your mind longer than the 'I shouldn't have done that' ones.
And that's why people seem to use the whole 'YOLO' (You Only Live Once) thing now. Because you tend to regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do.
In fact, I'm very sure I've touched on this subject more than once, especially in the first half of this year.
What do I regret? Many things. One of the earliest things I regret is not telling my auntie that I loved her before she passed away. I'm sure she went knowing that I did, but the fact that I didn't actually vocalise my feelings will always stay with me, perhaps until I go into *my* grave. That was when I was 11. Since then, I've definitely had more regrets.
People always tell you to 'live life with no regrets!' But it's hard, isn't it. How do you know whether you would regret doing (or not doing) something? Perhaps with my earliest point made, you should just *do* everything. But as humans, a fundamental nature we are all born with is the instinct of self-preservation. You don't jump across from one roof to the next because you 'might regret never having tried it'. You were born with the common sense that you might actually DIE doing that.
Self-preservation doesn't necessarily stop at preventing you from killing yourself either. It comes in handy when dealing with utter humiliation. Or heartache.
Last night, I watched the last bit of an episode of Mobbed. I've not watched much of the show before but what I understand from it, it's a platform for someone to send a very special message to someone else. One of their more popular episodes seems to be of this man proposing to his girlfriend. It's the sort of feel-good, emotionally-refreshing shows that make you go 'awwwww'.
Anyway, in this particular episode, this teacher literally 'mobbed' her fellow teacher-best friend to confess to him that she 'might be falling in love with him'. And honestly, I could tell from the moment he saw her come out that it wasn't going to end well. Which it didn't.
I literally grabbed onto the couch cushion with anxiety as he turned her down. He tried to do it as sweetly and subtly as possible, but I mean, how awesome can a rejection be. 'Oh well, I feel much better than when I set out to do this!'
It got me thinking of my little confession I did 3 years ago. (Yes, I realise it has been that long already.) The rejection and heartache that followed. It was bad, yes. But now, I think back, and it's one of the things I surprisingly don't regret.
In saying that, I didn't do it on national TV. I honestly have to give her a lot of respect and kudos. It is definitely not fun to get rejected on TV AND in front of the entire mob you 'hired'. And I do have to commend the guy for not just saying 'yes' on national TV either, just so people won't boo him.
Anyway, returning back to the subject of regret at hand.
I wonder if the start of the new school year will bring with it many regrets. Somehow, I know my life in the UK almost always guarantees some sort of excitement. But would it be the sort I'd like? Or the sort that'll make me wonder if I made the right decision spending so much money in travelling to another country to get a good degree?
Oh well. I suppose you only live once. ;)
I really do wonder about the extent of regret. You realise the 'what if' situations stay in your mind longer than the 'I shouldn't have done that' ones.
And that's why people seem to use the whole 'YOLO' (You Only Live Once) thing now. Because you tend to regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do.
In fact, I'm very sure I've touched on this subject more than once, especially in the first half of this year.
What do I regret? Many things. One of the earliest things I regret is not telling my auntie that I loved her before she passed away. I'm sure she went knowing that I did, but the fact that I didn't actually vocalise my feelings will always stay with me, perhaps until I go into *my* grave. That was when I was 11. Since then, I've definitely had more regrets.
People always tell you to 'live life with no regrets!' But it's hard, isn't it. How do you know whether you would regret doing (or not doing) something? Perhaps with my earliest point made, you should just *do* everything. But as humans, a fundamental nature we are all born with is the instinct of self-preservation. You don't jump across from one roof to the next because you 'might regret never having tried it'. You were born with the common sense that you might actually DIE doing that.
Self-preservation doesn't necessarily stop at preventing you from killing yourself either. It comes in handy when dealing with utter humiliation. Or heartache.
Last night, I watched the last bit of an episode of Mobbed. I've not watched much of the show before but what I understand from it, it's a platform for someone to send a very special message to someone else. One of their more popular episodes seems to be of this man proposing to his girlfriend. It's the sort of feel-good, emotionally-refreshing shows that make you go 'awwwww'.
Anyway, in this particular episode, this teacher literally 'mobbed' her fellow teacher-best friend to confess to him that she 'might be falling in love with him'. And honestly, I could tell from the moment he saw her come out that it wasn't going to end well. Which it didn't.
I literally grabbed onto the couch cushion with anxiety as he turned her down. He tried to do it as sweetly and subtly as possible, but I mean, how awesome can a rejection be. 'Oh well, I feel much better than when I set out to do this!'
It got me thinking of my little confession I did 3 years ago. (Yes, I realise it has been that long already.) The rejection and heartache that followed. It was bad, yes. But now, I think back, and it's one of the things I surprisingly don't regret.
In saying that, I didn't do it on national TV. I honestly have to give her a lot of respect and kudos. It is definitely not fun to get rejected on TV AND in front of the entire mob you 'hired'. And I do have to commend the guy for not just saying 'yes' on national TV either, just so people won't boo him.
Anyway, returning back to the subject of regret at hand.
I wonder if the start of the new school year will bring with it many regrets. Somehow, I know my life in the UK almost always guarantees some sort of excitement. But would it be the sort I'd like? Or the sort that'll make me wonder if I made the right decision spending so much money in travelling to another country to get a good degree?
Oh well. I suppose you only live once. ;)
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