Truth of the matter is, I'm complicated.

So. My exam is tomorrow. And yet, after that, I'm still not done. Which is pissing me off. On the other hand, my summer plans are drawing nearer and nearer, so that's fun.

I was up till 4 hanging at Mark's yesterday. Walked home in shorts and a thin adidas jacket for protection. Thank God it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be.

The sky was kinda pretty as I was walking back. I was tired, but in a good mood.

Was so tempted to watch the sunrise, but my bed boasted a tougher beckon.

Hmm.

I wonder what this feeling is bubbling inside.

By the way, I tried to say I'd be there

I need to rethink what exactly is it I'm doing in life.

I need to realise that I am worthy of respect and that if I don't treat myself with some respect, no one has a reason to.

This is our fate

So I've finally completed my MOE Relief Teacher application, at the expense of actually doing any studying.

If all goes well and what my dad says is true, I'll be headed towards a $100 a day income for 2 months! Of course, that's subjected to taxes and CPF. :'(

Anyway, looks like my summer's pretty much kinda planned out now.

He's everything you want, he's everything you need.

Okay, the criminal law paper went alright. Hopefully I did well, but I don't know...

Anyway, let's move that aside because obviously you won't be too interested in what I have to say about my law exams.

It's difficult to say what I'm about to say for a multitude of reasons, most of which I don't really wish to spell out here.

Firstly, I don't know if I like him or not. I suppose I'll know when I know but I suppose for the most part, it's a little annoying.

I'm 20. The whole game of 'oohh does he like me?' should be over, shouldn't it? Or maybe it just never stops.

On Facebook, I read the little bits about those younger, or of the same age as I. It's sweet. The usual, 'I feel confused because I think I like him', or 'Ahh! He hugged me today!'

Sometimes I wish I was like that again. I remember the crushes I had when I was in my early teens. I felt so confused, nervous around my crushes... Always wondering when I'd see them next... Writing on my blog (which I'm pretty sure if you go to my archive, will all be there in full glory for your viewing pleasure.)

And now it's like. I've grown past that. I mean... I haven't had a proper crush since I was 17. And no, Ian Somerhalder doesn't count. When he realises that I'm the one missing from his life, he'll know.

Anyway, minor celebrity infatuation aside, I see guys and they're immediately slotted into categories now. Well, to be fair, I don't know if I've been doing that all along...

But that aside, I suppose I have grown up. I mean, I don't go all giddy now. But again, maybe that's because I don't actually have a crush.

I wonder if maybe I should start looking for a relationship. But I'm still so young! And then I think, what if I start working and there's no time to find someone! Shouldn't I start now, then?

Oh gosh. It's like, headaches and problems and, yeah, well, you know..

In a way, I like my single status now. I'm having fun and I report to no one.

But then... that's not a very fulfilling life now, is it.

I could meet guy after guy, flirt my way through throngs of them, and after that what?

Yeah okay. Anyway, I'm making shepherd's pie tonight again.

But I've got you to keep me warm

Let's start with a bit of current affairs:

Yesterday, I experienced my first scary run-in with drugs. Immediately, I can tell the people that know me and are reading this are going 'WTF STEPH' in their heads.

Well, okay, I didn't do any. I don't do any. It was a bit of a situation with a guy from the flat above ours and how he somehow ended with a bad trip in my flat.

Anyway, it was a bit of a nightmare and I was only too glad that I didn't have any papers today. If the same thing happens tonight (which it likely wouldn't), I'm gonna kill someone.

Right. On to business proper.

Hmm. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The one time I tell myself that work comes first and men come later... I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

Well, I suppose it may just be all in my head. But I mean, I guess if it *is* true, it's a bit of a nice feeling.

Or maybe not.

Anyway, don't you chaps worry! I'm still very much bothered about my exams to let this get over my head.

This is praying that my paper tomorrow goes well. :)

Oceans apart, day after day

It's funny because I never thought I'd ever do something like this.

But I know now that it's not necessarily a horrible thing.

I'm all grown-up and I can make my own decisions. Yes, some of my decisions may not be the best ones, but it doesn't mean I am not capable of making them..

I'm glad though because now it finally seems like I have a bit of my life back in order.

Anyway, I honestly cannot wait for exams to be over. And also, I really need money. So I hope I *get* my money back soon.... (I'm annoyed.)

And maybe you're crying but you're not sure why

YES. Made the right choice.

And as a result, I actually feel a lot better.

AH LOOLOOLOOLOOL

Should I stay, or should I go?

I hope I'm making the right decisions here....

On invisible mics, winding through my mind

It's hard to keep living like this.

It's hard to keep living like I don't need someone.

Is this because I'm alone here with so few people to talk to?

I've survived 20 years without a boyfriend. How come I can't seem to do it anymore?

How come, less than a week before my exam, I keep feeling this sense of loss.

You see... this is EXACTLY HOW it fucking happened in the FIRST TIME. I met him during my last exam season too.

OH MY GOD. EXAMS ARE FUCKING DRIVING ME CRAZY.

'Imma get your heart racing in your skin tight jeans

Okay. I know I'm supposed to be studying. But I am too excited for June 2012.

IT'S PROMISING TO BE A BLAST.

6 June - After 12.15PM, My First Year at Manchester University is OFFICIALLY OVER.

7 June - Nat's coming!! And Pangaea!

8-9 June - Nat's still here!!

10 June - Coldplay Concert. (OHHMAAGAAADDDD)

11-13 June - AMSTERDAM, BABY.

15 June - GOIN' HOME, BABY.

21-30 June - KOREA, BABY.

This is not really helping my studying mood, but YAY.

Are you a cat or a dog person?

Okay. I'm freaking out a bit because there's only 10 days left to exams and I don't know how prepared I am, really.

A good thing going for me is that this is the most I have *ever* studied for *any* exam EVER.

Even my A'levels didn't see me pumping in so much effort.

It's just that I really wanna do well because I'm all the way here, and I really do love what I'm studying even with all the bullshitting and complaining I do about the stuff I have to study.

Anyway, I think I do need to take a chill pill. But in any case,


GGGAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay. I'm done here.

Tell me your secret, tell me everything

When it comes to gay rights, and gay marriage, I am still completely undecided on where I stand. Especially because I have yet to reconcile my societal view with my religious one.

When it comes to euthanasia, I am also pretty undecided on my stand. Although I am a firm believer that the only one allowed to tell you when you're going to die is God, in situations where you have loved ones suffering in pain and torment, it's hard as a Christian to stand by and watch helplessly.

But when it comes to abortion... Okay, perhaps I'm completely talking out of my ass here. Let me be the first to admit that.

I just don't believe that there is any good enough reason to abort a child (who is still alive).

Obviously, it hasn't happened to me yet. And perhaps, I'd feel differently if I was in that sort of situation. But right now, I simply cannot think of a reason good enough to want to end the life of a human being whose life technically hadn't even begun yet. 

I guess I just believe firmly that every life that is made has its own purpose here on earth. It's like being in a big production. There are the main actors, the extras, the props, the music. Every single person is important. Every single person, unborn or otherwise, has a soul.

Okay. What if the baby was conceived out of rape?

Yes, I would understand how hard must be. Okay, maybe I *don't* or *won't* understand the feeling, not having gone through it. But think about it... Emotional/Spiritual stuff aside, Are you really punishing an unborn foetus for the crimes of someone else?

It's just that. Life is so precious. One day you're here. Next day, you could die.

But who the hell are you to dictate when life should end?

But again, perhaps I'm just talking out of my ass.

Got to get yourself to that freedom

This is getting mildly annoying.

It's hard to study in my own room when distractions come screaming from the hallway.

One of the major reasons I don't want to go all the way down to the library is because it's crowded, it's too far away, and I don't want to lug my books to and fro.

Besides, I have been diligently doing work at home, although now I wonder how much more I could accomplish if I was seated with no fucking SCREAMING IN THE HALL.

Anyway, it's only a month more of this. Month more of dirty dishes piling up in the sinks, or even clean dishes clogging the areas around the sinks.

Month more of screaming in the FUCKING HALLWAY. I'm sorry, but do you not have a shred of decency in your systems?

I'm trying to sleep/study/listen to some nice music without the sounds of doors slamming and shouting from room to room because FUCK YOU ALL, THAT'S WHY.

I'm just hoping that whoever is my flatmate next year will have the decency to be NEAT and QUIET.

Anyway, I can't wait for June to come. Already, I have got plans lined up, and I'm not even home yet.

I can't wait for Amsterdam, and it *will* be interesting with just Mark and I going.

And of course, being back in Singapore would mean hanging out with some of the greatest people in the world - my awesome friends.

Okay, so I'm freaking out a bit because I don't know if I'm studying enough.
 :(

On another note, I really am in love with Jason Mraz's new album.

Here's an excerpt from his song 'I Never Knew You', and one reason why YOU should get 'Love Is a Four Letter Word'

"What made me forget everything I know?
All my beliefs, replaced by scenarios
Of unintelligent life, echoing in stereo
On invisible mics, winding to my mind
So I would like another look inside you,
Yeah I would love the chance to love you, like I've never known you."

But then I act like I know everything

Okay. I've bought new gym gear. So I have absolutely no excuse now when it comes to actually getting my fat arse to do some exercise.

Also, I'm rethinking studying EVERYTHING because obviously not everything is going to come out.

Oh my gosh. My life has come down to this. I have nothing more to say...

Sheesh. =/

Sometimes, I wanna disappear

Have you ever felt like... why bother?

I mean, it's in situations like this that I honestly wonder why I let myself feel this way.

But I guess, I'm only human.

I don't really think it's the person involved that made me feel this way, per se. It's the fact that I don't seem to be as important as I thought I was.

Well anyway, whatever. I suppose it's just one of those things that happens, and you move on.

I'm disappointed though. But maybe I'm just being insane.

It's just... I mean, I really didn't hope for anything. But at least for once, after all the shit I've been through this year, let me feel like I matter.

Because slowly, I don't feel like I matter anymore. To anyone.

Mother screaming and bitching aside, I feel like if I moved here permanently, not many people will care.

Maybe I should though. Move here and try to start a new life.

To be honest, I don't really know what's waiting for me at home.

I need a drink. :(

What do you see when you dream about it?

My brother's finally here in Manchester. :)

I really did miss him a lot. It's nice having a familiar, squishy, cute fat face around. :D

Nahh, I really do love my brother. HAHA.

He was so adorable today, actually GIGGLING when we did the Old Trafford tour and we saw the stadium. (OH DEAR GOD, HE GIGGLED.)

Anyway, I'm extremely tired. And I haven't been studying much these past few days. So I'm a little screwed. :(