Sometimes we fall, can't get back up.

As I sit in front of my computer, I look around, and all I see is a mess. Messy table, messy bed, messy room. In a way, it complements my life as it is right now.

Messy.

Well, I suppose, everyone's life is messy in one way or another.

I should be glad though that although my life seems to be a bulk of tangled string after tangled string, I can see light poring through from the other side of the clump.

Last week, I found God again. And every time I think of that moment, I want to cry. Somewhat because I'm glad I have Him in my life again, somewhat because I just can't believe how far I've faltered.

I was redesigning my blog (mostly as a distraction piece. instead of doing actual studying...) and I read the piece I wrote last week.

It's true, you know. I've probably changed a little. Everyone changes. Of course, what I went through wasn't really a change.. more of a falling off the deep end. Thankfully though, although said deep end was indeed 'deep', it wasn't deep enough that the Lord could not drag me out of there.

The task now, of course, is to try and maintain that hold onto God. I know he's there trying to hold on to me too. But somehow I find it too easy to push him away...

Right now.... I don't know. I suppose it's hard to feel happy when I've got so many thoughts on my mind... Things I need to resolve...

I guess I'm just trying to keep myself above the surface... Listening to 'old classics' by Westlife and designing little covers here and there... Trying to repeat to myself that God loves me and that I'm a wonderful creation of his...

It's weird though... Usually after a camp or a retreat, my 'God-high' lasts for at least a week or two... Is it because I'm getting old? Or maybe because it used to be more accessible to go back to the location of where I found peace? (i.e. my church in Singapore.)

Whatever it is... I find it a bit harder to hold onto that peace and comfort I found during the Easter Triduum. I just have to keep praying and praying, I suppose.

After all, there is a lot of power in prayer.

And also, I remember just how much God loves me now.

So, hopefully, it'll be an easier road ahead.