Your journey's been etched on your skin.

I have been doing the time-wasting, tiring, bang-my-head-on-the-keyboard-and-stab-me irritating CNA video these few days.. Using the main computer isn't that bad..

Anyway, I was watching Tv yesterday when it hit me. It was the weekend. Just a few days ago, I was posting about the week.. and it's the weekend. So how fast time flies? And my O's are in 9 months. Which means THERE'S NO TIME. NONE. ZILCH. ZERO. NEGATORY. And 'oh crap, I'm gonna fail my O's' can be heard from the far ends of the artic ocean. But I can't bring myself to study. I just can't. Even if I turn off all working system networks, lock the door of my bedroom, install perfect lighting (which I still lack, by the by.) and strap myself to the chair with History, Math and Science books strewn all over in front of me, I just won't STUDY! Believe me, it's not like I've not tried. I have, many times, in fact. A few minutes in front of the desk and I find something else to occupy my time.. A game of solitaire with ACTUAL cards, my rubik's.. or just fiddling with just about anything. Bloody hell, I am a mess.

So how do I actually find motivation? Till now, I still don't know. Which explains my lack of good grades. I really think I should consider other alternative career routes. After all, it looks like I can't survive another few months of studying intently.. what's more a few years?

Oh, help me, big guy up there!

If I woke up next to you.

A love like ours is love that's hard to find.

I felt oddly sick today. Like, when I tried miserably to trudge up the stairs, all I could feel was the nagging pain in my stomach and chest. Anyway, I took the Chinese CA during recess and went home after that.





I haven't felt that sort of calmness yesterday. I just stared at the open sea, the wind blowing strongly and my already-mused hair flying all about. It was like God was trying to tell me it was okay. To just relax, because all would be alright. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted to grab the moment and lock it in place, forever reminescing about it. I wanted to continue taking pictures with all those people, because for once in a very long time, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Not flitting from clique to clique, going wherever they were kind enough to accept me. I even went so far as to start laughing again. It's now when I think about it, that I realise that I haven't laughed like that in school (or with fellow school-mates, rather) in so long.. Was I really being outcasted for so long? It didn't seem like it. When I was with Dione and the rest, there seem to be only serious conversation. Even the not-so-serious conversations seemed too draggy to actually be taken lightly. I wasn't myself, I realise now. I mean, my real self. The idiot that gets high very easily and launches into a series of bad jokes that causes laughter because it is just too bad to not be laughed at. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Dione. But I need her more in situations where I become too overwhelming for my own self to handle. Because I guess, she's really good at being frank and dousing me with cold water to wash my dillusioned eyes. But I'm guessing the real reason I've been so moody later is because there's been no outlet for my crazy side.





That statement alone sounds pretty crazy, I can tell you that. I wish I was on that boat again, relishing in my life, because although it stinks shit sometimes, it really ain't half bad.





Thank you, Lord.





(In Memory of Heath Ledger, 28. Died on the 22th of January, 2008. May he find eternal peace at last.)

With all of this.. and then there's that.

Okay.. so I've been a little slow on the updating.. doesn't mean I'm closing the blog down... although it doesn't mean I've been studying constantly.. Exhibit A.

Anyway, I shd've been in bed about.. an hour ago. At 9pm. Because I'm running an experiment on why I keep feeling so drained during lessons.

However.. it's 10pm. And I'm not even that tired..

Tweaked the blog a little.. I think the picture's cool.. could be a little smaller.. but I'm not really complaining.. anyway, I can't be bothered.. I tried uploading another skin, but apparently, there was something wrong with it.

So, here's the week in general..

Basically, it was another day, another topic, another lesson, another bang-my-head-and-shoot-me cycle. Only, I was horribly sick. Well.. not that sick.. but sick enough to annoy people with my coughing.. (I say this because I annoyed myself as well.)

There was 4 straight days of band: (which probably contributed to the above mentioned chain of hacking.) Wednesday was the usual few hours.. Thursday was the Assembly performance, Friday was another practice (quite slack for some people.. an exercise period for me.) and Saturday was CCA promotion day.. (played for 5 hours straight.. My shoulders threatened to drop off me. ) Hated running to the front to play. I mean, it's during my favourite part no less! Why can't I play that part and, I dunno... just stand instead? ):

Anyway, that got over and done with. Had my first YC Pray Meet.. not much people actually.. We did Christian Unity Week.. had to talk about the obstacles.. my brain failed to coordinate with my mouth that day and I ended up sprouting alot of nonsense.. Oh, the agony!

Catechism started the next day! That deserves an exclaimation mark because I finally saw Nat and Sam after so long! I missed them so much!! Nothing much.. Nat whined about not being in the YC.. (which brings me back to the incident in BK where she nearly bit my head off when I sort-of-accidentally-by-mistake told her we had joined without her. Well.. actually.. I said 'We joined the YC!' and saw my life flashing past my eyes at the next moment.)

Didn't go for mass with them.. instead, Dean, Sha and Claire came over..

We played around, gossiping about PAO (if Claire remembers.) and other stuff.. Deannie was so hilarious! I swear, she has mood swings!

We went through the videos.. and realised that my footage was gone. Like, 'Poof! Where the bloody hell did it go??!' gone. All that was left was our ending.. which isn't very helpful, really.. and some shots of the stadium.. again, not helpful.

So we were complaining to Mr. Zee.. and bullying Claire.. and all that.

It's really beddy-time now.. half an hour has passed since I started.. (I blog and do other stuff and the same time, mind you.) And hence, I bid whoever still bothers to read this, a goodnight.

Your love is bringing me higher.

Wow, almost a week since the last update. It shows that I'm making an effort not to turn on the laptop at any given opportunity.

Anyway, The last week has been rather mundane. Nothing much to blog about.. The stupid Beijing project that will cost me much needed time needs to be done by Friday.

And I found out that Ms Lee isn't bad at teaching A Math.

My new seat with Nuz, Nic and Yi ying is great! I'm really paying attention and only laughing when appropriate.. (MOST of the time.) Of course, these things need time to change.

Anne got a Rubik's cube today. Well, she brought it to church, rather. And I was painstakingly tyring to teach her how to solve it. We managed to reach the last 2 steps, but belle forbid us to continue.

Joan was impressed when I solved the cube during homily. (Oops.) and then she messed up Anne's which earned her the 'eye-roll'.

Belle spied Peter sleeping during the homily! After mass, we saw him at Sea Ave. and I went "Hey Peter! How was the homily- *closes eyes and snores*" To which he violently defended himself as falling asleep AFTER the homily. He is a laugh!

The YC meeting was hmm.. half-dreary, half-productive. I mean, it was totally productive, but I couldn't help but zone out every time a little speech was presented. Hence, for me, 50-50.

We were complaining about the politics among our confirmation cohort's level teachers to Nana and Sharon. I wanted to blog about that today, but that'll probably be next week's topic as class restarts for the last year (for moi.)

Only 5 months to confirmation. I'm really scared that the talkatives will be separated after that. I mean, right now, during the hols, we barely see Nat and Sam already. We can still meet up for mass, but after that? The future is terribly unpredictable.

Hopefully, Nat, Joan and Anne will join the YC/YF like they want to, and Tia stays in church.

I've known them so long, it will be hard to let go.

If you leave me now, you take away the very heart of me.

I was clueless. Well, not really.. The truth was there, just not for me to go exploring with. And I had thought that everything was fine.

And then the big blow came this morning. I was really having a normal, not-much-feeling-to-begin-with day, this blew my guts down to smithereens.

I mean, with the whole shenanegan happening last year, I thought it would smooth over by now.. Guess not.

Dione is right, I should concentrate on my studies and not care anymore. After all, I'm doing my O'levels for me, not they. But everyone's life should be filled with balance right? Not all study! And how the hell am I supposed to concentrate when I know somewhere, people are shooting daggers at me because I apparently say a little too much.

You know what? I give up. I don't care anymore. I'll just become the next talking point in class. The one where everyone goes "OMG, there she is! Better not get her in my group leh.. Aiyoh." Sigh.. Why is it the only people truly accepting me for who I am are friends I made 10 years ago? Am I really that destined to live my life shunned away from girls because they are way too sensitive for MY sarcasm?

Well, screw me for not being a boy, huh. My brothers are so much more worse than me and they can make friends lasting lifetimes. Why can't I??

As the song goes, High school's a bitch.

Cause it hurts me so just to see you

Anyway, the first week of school has passed by without much incident. Most of it was sleepy sleepy... I can't believe I'm in Sec 4 already.. how fast does time want to fly?

Anyway, I aim to be really dilligent this year.. but the obstacles in my way include a very vaguely-understandable A math teacher, my inability to get use to the 7 hour school days and the 8 hour sleep nights, a new meaning of 'cannot concentrate', and of course, the fact that I can't study. Which last year's finals proved.

Anyway, I have a new seat, and hopefully, it will help me in achieving my goal, which inevitably will lead to a hopeful scholarship overseas to get a degree in research in neuropsychology.

Right now, the 10/11pm bedtime clock embedded in my system for the school year seems to be experiencing life again. That means I am feeling very bleary now.

So, off to the world of dreams, I head!

Cheerio!

Should old aquaintance be forgot

Happy New Year to everyone! That's right, it's time to rally in the new year with merry-making and celebrations!

Screw that. I feel the same as I did a day ago and I sure as hell don't want to be celebrating that fact.

Anyway, this year's new years' eve was quite fun! Anne and I went to Joan's for games and movies. Firstly, in my excitement, me and Joan decided to play Game of Life first, while waiting for Anne to join us. Then when she came, we restarted the game. I don't know why, but I like going to college first! (:

Halfway playing, Joan played Good Year.. however, we couldn't really understand it because our minds were half concentrating on the game, half watching. In the end, we changed it to Epic movie. It was better (in terms of understanding), but playing the game halfway, we abandoned it.

After the movie, it was time to head downstairs for Joan's mum's delicious brownies with fudge and ice-cream. And we went to watch 5 mins of the countdown with glasses of Sparkling Juice in hand.

Games of Cluedo followed.. 3 games ended so fast because of sheer luck.
Someone: I suspect... Mr. Green in the Library with the Candlestick.
Other two: No.. don't have..
First someone: Hah?! Really? Then I accuse lor.

Then the Daidi games.. in tandem with Scary Movie 4. In the middle of it, we decided to grab the other sparkling juice bottle. It took us 3 minutes to realise we needed a cork screw, 7 minutes to realise the cork couldn't be removed, 5 minutes to carve the top of the cork out with a knife, 6 minutes to realise that it wasn't working and the cork screw was.. screwed, and 9 minutes to figure out how to actually use a cork screw. So when we finally trugged up the stairs again, Scary Movie 4 was over.

Next was the Pursuit of Happiness.. which I hadn't seen yet.. halfway through, Joan and Anne fell asleep with promises of watching House of Wax next. And then.. the dvd screwed up. I tried rewinding.. restarting chapters.. nothing worked! In my frustration, and the realisation that they were already very deep in sleep, I dozed off. (This was at 4am.)

The next morning, we awoke at 8.30 and watched House of Wax.. which is totally gruesome.. and had breakfast after that..Joan's mum made toast with lettuce, cheese, eggs and ham.. ((:

And then, Anne's mum sent me home.

For New Years', we had the usual gathering at our house.. everyone came, I played with Vanessa's PSP, laughed at TJ's every move..

I have school tomorrow! I haven't said that in a while. hopefully.. this stays up and updated, however, I WILL try to do a blog closing if anything should happen.

I'm gonna be in Secondary 4.

My gosh, 6 words I never wanna say..

And to think I didn't even touch a book this holiday.. O'levels, here I come! ):