Cant go back, can't erase.

I've decided to stop trying so hard.

I've done my best. It's not up to me now.

All I can do is pray that things go back to normal..

It may, it may not. Again, I need to tell myself that it's no longer for me to decide. I think I've been trying. I tried acting normal, reaching out...

Nothing has worked.

So okay. Maybe it's just a matter of giving it time. Give things some time to settle.

And at the end of day, everything that happens is God's will.

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind.

Okay. I kinda clicked on the whole 'Change your blogger dashboard!' thing andd... it looks kinda weird and horrible...

Fine whatever. Everyone's turning into facebook. Connectivity. Social media. Gosh.

Anyway, I'm in a conundrum.

I sorta wanna publicise my blog a little. At the same time it has served its purpose of letting me rant shit and scream fuck for 8 years now. (Yes, EIGHT years! Isn't that just fucking amazing? :D )

I don't ever think my parents should see this blog. Or my brothers. Although my second brother does know of its existence... Well, I'm just hoping he never checks it again.

Oh Gosh. If my family knew what's been going on with me... Wow. I'd be sent home faster than you can say 'transit flight!'.

So okay. I guess I have my answer there. I can never publicise my blog. Which is good I suppose. I know it's stupid. If I don't want anyone to see this, why even have a blog?

It's hard to say, I suppose.. On one hand, I hope that none of my friends ever read this. On the other hand, it seems like an easier way to 'spread the tales of my life', so to speak.

Also, I suppose it's liberating to know that random people can just see this. And they don't know who the hell I am. Well, they sort of do (due to my profile being on the page and my photo and everything..) but...

Okay. I'm pretty... ehh. I don't even know the words. HAH. (That's a first, ain't it?)

I suppose if someone really wanted to know what happened with my life, they could snoop around my profile and find this little gem. And oh, the fun they'll have!

Of course, I'm banking on the fact that no one really cares that much to want to know EVERYTHING that has happened with me.

On the other hand, as I've mentioned before, some things I blog about.. I do want people to know that, hey! I've expressed my opinion somewhere! I can't do that though. Not without consequences.

As I've said... the things on this blog...

Then again, anyone who's reading this now. I bet you're at curious enough to want to scroll down and read more. Or if you really couldn't care less... hey! At least you've read this far.. thanks! Have a nice life. Really. :)

Anyway! I shall be off now. Class starts tomorrow and I promised myself I'll be totally dedicated to my work from now on.

Let's see how long that'll last, shall we? ;)

I won't give up.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

I'm gonna pick up the pieces,
And build a Lego house
If things go wrong we can knock it down


My three words have two meanings,
There's one thing on my mind
It's all for you


And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm
And if you're broken I'll mend you and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now


I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now


I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now


I'm gonna paint you by numbers
And colour you in
If things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall


And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before
And I'll surrender up my heart
And swap it for yours

Hey, I heard you were a wild one...

This is what I do when I'm bored.

This is also somewhat a step towards self-acceptance. Seeing my mug in different expressions. Reminding myself that I'm beautiful inside and out.

And if you don't like it, well, if you're a complete stranger reading this, I guess it doesn't really matter!

:D

Somebody that I used to know

A tear drop slid down the sunken cheek. It continued on its downward path, finally falling free from the edge of the slightly oval-shaped face. She had finally escaped. Finally. She felt free. Alive with pleasure! And yet... Yet, she felt that something wasn't right...

She saw a rock. A big boulder jutting out from the otherwise soft and pliable muddy floor. A rock that represents strong, firm steadiness. She headed towards it, hoping to find some sort of comfort. When she reached it, she lunged for it, afraid that any moment spent not touching it would result in its disappearance.

The rock held firm as she clawed on to its jagged sides. Heaving a sigh of relief, she continued holding onto the rock for dear life, depending on her grasp for some sort of energy. After a while, she took a deep breath. 'The rock isn't going anywhere,' she thought, and gently, she released her death-like grip on the boulder. Almost immediately after she had pried her fingers from the hard edges, the rock began to sink into the soft mud below.

'NO, WAIT!' The girl's eyes shot open. She had only thought of letting go for a second! Instincts took over and her arms went around the hard stone once more. But it was too late. The rock continued its descent into the ground, at first slowly, but as the girl tried frantically to lift the rock back up again, it seemed to detect the girl's desperation and sunk down at a faster rate.

The rock was almost gone now, a little part of it still jutted out, but it was no where near as comforting or as steady as before. It was just a tiny piece of rock. The girl stared at the mockery the tiny rock seemed to represent. Laughing at her for being so trusting. It was a rock, yes! But it wasn't as firm or as steady as once perceived. 'You stupid fool!' It seemed to taunt.

The girl stood up. Once again finding herself in the middle of the huge forest. Huge tall trees surrounding her, the ground soft and breakable under her toes. She was alone again. She was afraid to move. Any sudden action may cause the forest to swallow her whole. Like the story. What was it? Jonah and the whale, wasn't it? Yes, she was to be Jonah.

There was to be no happy ending to this tale. Because life is just that fair. The girl would slowly move along the forest trails. Sometimes, she would meet a nice, helpful animal who would help her get food or scavenge for her next meal. Sometimes, that animal would die from old age, disease, or the sly, cunning predator that had its eye on it. Sometimes, the girl would find a stream, next to a beautiful meadow in the clearing. Green grass, pretty, tall flowers, soft grounds, clear blue water. The epitome of beauty. And she would live there for a while because it was just too beautiful and majestic to leave. And then she would have to go because well, maybe it seemed too dangerous to live there anymore.

Seems that only the sweet release of death would provide any long-lasting comfort.

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.

Suddenly, breathing seems so hard to do

I'm sorry. I just *had* to do another post before I went to bed.

I am absolutely LOVING my new blog template. It's so pretty and blue. And sky-like.

I love the sky, really. (And yes, as you can see, my mood has rapidly changed from the previous post.)

Anyway, this post is really nonsense. Although, I suppose, it's not like most of my other posts are filled with good philosophical thoughts and things other people could learn from.

I am also loving the new font that my blog posts are written in. It seems more personal and accessible...

Anyway, people would be misdirected by my choice of 'post title'. It's merely from one of the many Westlife songs I was listening to for nostalgic purposes. (See below post.)

I suppose though, breathing can be a sudden chore when you realise how fragile life is. I could die tomorrow. I honestly could. I mean, I don't control when my passing will be.

But alright, enough with the morbid realisation of the fragility of life. As mentioned before, this was supposed to be a nonsense, more upbeat post.

Tomorrow, I honestly need to bite down and scrabble to start my exam preparations.

First class, people! That's my goal! :D

Sometimes we fall, can't get back up.

As I sit in front of my computer, I look around, and all I see is a mess. Messy table, messy bed, messy room. In a way, it complements my life as it is right now.

Messy.

Well, I suppose, everyone's life is messy in one way or another.

I should be glad though that although my life seems to be a bulk of tangled string after tangled string, I can see light poring through from the other side of the clump.

Last week, I found God again. And every time I think of that moment, I want to cry. Somewhat because I'm glad I have Him in my life again, somewhat because I just can't believe how far I've faltered.

I was redesigning my blog (mostly as a distraction piece. instead of doing actual studying...) and I read the piece I wrote last week.

It's true, you know. I've probably changed a little. Everyone changes. Of course, what I went through wasn't really a change.. more of a falling off the deep end. Thankfully though, although said deep end was indeed 'deep', it wasn't deep enough that the Lord could not drag me out of there.

The task now, of course, is to try and maintain that hold onto God. I know he's there trying to hold on to me too. But somehow I find it too easy to push him away...

Right now.... I don't know. I suppose it's hard to feel happy when I've got so many thoughts on my mind... Things I need to resolve...

I guess I'm just trying to keep myself above the surface... Listening to 'old classics' by Westlife and designing little covers here and there... Trying to repeat to myself that God loves me and that I'm a wonderful creation of his...

It's weird though... Usually after a camp or a retreat, my 'God-high' lasts for at least a week or two... Is it because I'm getting old? Or maybe because it used to be more accessible to go back to the location of where I found peace? (i.e. my church in Singapore.)

Whatever it is... I find it a bit harder to hold onto that peace and comfort I found during the Easter Triduum. I just have to keep praying and praying, I suppose.

After all, there is a lot of power in prayer.

And also, I remember just how much God loves me now.

So, hopefully, it'll be an easier road ahead.

I've got a ticket to anywhere

I don't really know who I am anymore.

I don't know if England has changed me... Or maybe I was always like this; I just needed the push.

I never thought I was this sort of person.

Apparently, I am.

I still think of him, you know. (Btw, when I say 'you', I probably am talking to my future self.. Or whoever chances upon this blog and bothers reading.)

But somehow it's not that I miss him... I think of him and I compare him with.. the other him. (Let's call him A for sanity's sake.)

I haven't physically met A yet. We've skyped once. We text a lot. He has issues. Well, to be honest, he's a lot like.. D.

Which scares me because I don't want a repeat, obviously. But I can't stop texting him (A). It's like I have this innate urge to want to hug the helpless. Which was what caused me to get with D in the first place. He (D) seemed so lost... so full of trouble.. And then he said he met me and his life seemed to be turning round.

Yes, I'm not stupid. (I think.) I did know that he had a LOT of issues. I mean.. his history was something out of one of those Oprah or Jeremy Kyle shows that make you wonder how people could even live like that.

So how could I leave him? And make him drown in more despair? Of course, in the end, he was the one to cut my heart out and shred it into pieces, so you know.. it worked out for me, I suppose. (Cuz' I didn't have to be the one to do it.)

Am I doing the same to A? He has a lot of issues.. But he says he's so happy every time he talks to me. And he smiles so sweetly, it makes me want to hug him.

Is this who I am? So incapable of loving myself that I need others to need me more than I think I'm worth. Pei Shan was right. I don't have self-acceptance. But how do I go about getting that?

My whole life, I was always cast in the shadows. No one really needed me. No one thought I was worth loving. I mean, the only love I got was... 'yeah, she'll always be there' love. The sort of love you give out because you know it's safe to give out. I never had someone love me even though it was a risk.

My whole life, I was never the pretty one, the skinny one. I was pleasant. bubbly. cute. outgoing. happy-go-lucky. People liked me because it seemed like I was so comfortable being who I was. No one realised the pain I went through being the 'funny one'. Or the 'smart one'. The one that solved problems and was happy enough listening to others' problems and issues. Always there. That's me.

And then I come here, and suddenly guys find me irresistible. Attractive. They stare at me, they tell me I'm pretty, beautiful even. They think my intelligence beyond the level of 'useful'.

Is it a wonder I really ended up where I am now? Loathing myself at every step.. Wondering what the fuck happened to the sweet, bubbly girl who couldn't even bring herself to mouth a swear word. (Yes, a paradox at its best.)

I don't really know what's happening to me. I know what I have to do, I suppose, but... I don't know.

I need you, God. I'm sorry I'm such a horrible Christian. If 15-year-old me saw what I would've become, she would run screaming. Or maybe.. not?

See? I don't know who I am. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

I claim to be a Catholic. But I'm compromising my values left and right just so it suits my situation. I claim to be intelligent. But I'm making choices that would have teenagers laugh at me because even THEY wouldn't be THAT stupid. I claim to think I'm pretty.... I do think I'm pretty sometimes. Other times, I feel like I should just wear a mask.

I don't think any of my friends really think I'm pretty. To them, I'm funny, joyful, a laugh to be with, smart, annoying, etc.

None of them think I'm pretty. I'm sure my family thinks I'm pretty because they have to. So at the end of the day... the people I'm closest to don't think I'm beautiful. So... if I suddenly find myself holding the attention of a few guys... What the fuck did you think I was fucking going to do? Ignore them?

Urgh. I hope I get answers this week. I pray I do...

I didn't go for Palm Sunday mass. Completely forgot it was Palm Sunday... It'll probably be a huge-ass miracle if I go to heaven because I am SOOOO not worth it.

This is a part of me that you will never ever take away from me.

I think there's something perpetually wrong with me.

I only seem interested in white men. Men that, somehow, were born to be even more horny than any chinese guy I know. Or at least, more open about their horniness.

2 white guys I've dated. One, virtual. And I went to open one of his emails today. And I remember why I got into a 'relationship' with him. Because he was essentially a smooth-talker. (Well, obviously. We had no other means of connection..)

The other one? Not a smooth-talker, really. In fact, he got a bit awkward at times. But he was a fucking liar. Said all these things.. How I was so beautiful, so intelligent. How I was a million things better than his ex. Said all these things. Said he would treat me like a princess. Of course, when it came down to it, nothing he said mattered.

And I'm left to wonder about what that means for me.

Left to deal with the consequences of me making all these great choices in my life. My love life is so screwed up. But somehow, I'm still only attracted to white men. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Maybe it's because of my size. I'm a bigger girl. A lot bigger than the average asian. But somewhat average when compared to the brits here. Maybe I feel that white guys will accept me better.

I don't think I have a lot of respect for myself then. I'm afraid that if I say no to a guy that shows interest, I'll never end up with anyone. I'm afraid of being alone. Forever.

So yeah. That's it. That's the huge story of my life. I keep fucking things up in my love life because I have no respect for myself. I think that no one will ever want me, so instead of thinking that I deserve the best guy possible, I get with the first guy that calls me pretty.

I want to be treated like a princess. I do. I want the guy to make me feel good about myself, but only in a way that I deserve to be treated. With respect and kindness. With actions that speak louder than words. Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm really sick of men. :(

I've never wanted anyone like this

It's crazy

I like him so much

I can't bear to let him go

I don't even know what or how he feels.

I want to go back in time.

I wish I never told Lauren or Molly about the incident.

I wish I talked it out with him first.

Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.

I obviously haven't been here for a while. So much for a constant update of my life in the UK. 

So far, UK has been pretty wow. Well, the country has been pretty 'eh'. It has its moments. My life here has been pretty awesome though. I've made really awesome friends and everything.

The reason I'm here right now is obviously one of little positivity. I rarely feel the need to pen my happiness down because I tend to express it freely and openly. On the other hand, my sadness, when too overwhelming, tends to engulf me to the point that I feel like I need to let it out somewhere or stew in my depression for a while.

And so, in case it isn't as yet obvious for those reading this, I am completely and utterly depressed. I feel like the shit that the shit shits out and had been rolled over with a steam roller and then smashed with a jackhammer.

I feel like the smallest person in the world. An idiot that I've only read about in books and movies and have always scoffed at for being idiots. And right now, I'm the moron. The stupid fool that gave the most precious thing to someone who obviously didn't appreciate it as much as she thought he would.

I feel like I was blinded too much by the dazzle and zazzle and stars and failed to see reason. And now it's too late. 

And it doesn't help that I think I'm PMSing now.

FUCK THIS.

These streets will make you feel brand new

Okay.. Where do I begin..

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Rome was fantastic, but I'll probably blog about it some other time. Wifi has been a little hard to get. And I've finally managed to set up the internet in my room, so here I am!

Anyway, I'm extremely tired. Spent the day out with Elaina. Met a new friend from UCLA, a couple of my other flatmates, and a few others from the neighbouring flat.

So far, my flatmates are pretty lovely. There's Molly and Ben, native Mancunians. Nora, a Norwegian. And Dan, who's from England too, though I'm not too sure which part.

They're all rather nice.

Anyway, as I sit in my room, I can't help but feel quite homesick. I think it just hit me that I'll be on my own for the next year. No mummy or daddy to turn to.

I know that I've been complaining about them, but in the end, I do miss them a lot...

Hopefully I'll feel better after a bit...