Is there something we are waiting for?

I haven't touched my blog for a long while. The reasons vary, none of them important. I don't know why I decided to reopen this transparent vault that has dutifully shown every single drop of emotion I display.

Let's start with the quite-popular '1 Litre of Tears'. It was formally introduced to me by dear Anne while we were still in Secondary School. However, I was never much of a Japanese pop culture kind of person, much less one that indulged in shows that leaked you of your body's natural liquid.

Let's skip to the part where I 'stole' almost everything from Alex's HDD. My curiosity piqued at the familiar-sounding title and I immediately asked Alex about the show. He warned me about the imminent bout of tears that would fall; I cared not to listen. I rarely cried at movies, save Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook, so why not just take a gander?

Now, we shall pause at that particular scene and I will bring you to the start of my week. I set my alarm at 7am and woke up at 930 instead. So what, you shrug in nonchalance, it's the bloody holidays and you wake up a little past the usual. No big deal. Yeah, it WAS no big deal. Except I wasted the whole day not studying because 'I didn't feel like it'. Okay fine. It's one day. I shouldn't get so worked up over it, right?

Only, this disgusting feeling lasted until Wednesday. Three days of not touching a book. Some of you may be gasping in pure disbelief right now. 'WHAT! NOOOO...' Yes, my mid-terms are fast approaching, and I'm not buried five feet deep in books served only to push my grades to an acceptable above-average?

I honestly don't know how to answer any of those. Really. I could give you a really good reason if I wanted to. 'I was feeling rather sick. Really couldn't do much.' But that would be pathetic. Period. The truth was, I was about to slowly sink into pseudo-depression. Slowly, but surely. I would mope about the house, a constant naggy 'C'MON! STUDY, YOU LAZY SHIT!' rang in my ear again and again. It didn't help, of course. My mind is like both mother and child. It screams 'Get out your math!' and then groans with a 'Okaaaay... Just let me play one game of tap tap.' And of course, stuck with my slow sink into mope-town, the child gets a landslide win.

So today, after an embarrassing two hours of tuition where I managed to prove to my teacher that I was giving him $440 a month for nothing, I decided to 'hit the books' (mother said) 'after one or two episodes of '1 litre of tears' '(the child bargained).

Of course, the pseudo-depression still kicking in, and the child still having a strong grip on his win, I ended up finishing everything. (If you didn't realise, I unpaused the scene from five paragraphs ago.)

It turned out to be one of the best choices I made this week. The story is amazing. Simple and easy to follow, and yet, it grips your heart and doesn't let go. Not even 3 hours after finishing the last 5 minutes. The emotions displayed are so real. Sometimes relatable, sometimes sympathy-inducing. I literally spilled one litre of tears watching the entire thing.

Okay. And here's the part where my blatant advertisement for the movie and my mope-y week link...

I realise how lucky I am to be able to get depressed over a couple of stupid papers. Papers that I would never again have to see in my life after this year. (Unless I become a teacher, God forbid.) There are always people worse off than you. No matter what situation you find yourself unable to claw your way out of. You may be the world's most lazy ass. So what.

And another thing, I keep forgetting how incredibly gifted I am. No, I am not being an arrogant shit. Heck, everyone is incredibly gifted. No shit. But we all forget. We lift our weaknesses to a god-like status, on the other hand and point it out to everyone else who cares enough to listen.

'I'm fat.' So what? You are an awesome friend, so many people care for you it should be a sin, and you are pretty smart when you bother to apply yourself. Why harp on one bad thing when God's pratctically screaming 'LOOK HERE! GIFT! GIFT!'?

I still don't know the reason for my pseudo-depression. Really, I don't. Maybe the time of the month is fast approaching. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I need to keep reminding myself that my life is not my own. You may think that you get to decide whatever it is you want in life. You learn that it's true only to an extremely small extent. You get to decide how much you wanna study, doesn't mean you decide what grades you get. (Yes, teachers blurt that in your face, but do you really think that's true?)

So, yes. I don't know how much of that anyone understood. Hell, I don't even know if I understand all of it. Call it a good rant at worse. Happy studying for those stuck in the phase called the 'Advanced Levels'. Happy holidays for the rest. If you belong to neither group, oops.

I'm going to study now. After a quick session of Facebook. Promise!

This world will never be what I expected.

Okay. So here's the main scoop. I got a new phone, and the Internet is completely impossible to use over there. Or maybe I'm too used to the capabilities of my very reliable itouch. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats my old broken down phone, so I ain't complaining.

Right. Onto the subject proper. I keep having the same disgusting feeling. Again and again. And it's so gross. And yet I can't get rid of it. It's like a disease. It's so disgusting. It's turned me into a person I don't like. A person that can never look her Lord in the eye again.

I feel like I'm slowly slipping away from my faith. The funny thing is that it's so slow, I can barely feel it. And yet, I know. I don't have that oomph feeling I get when I talk about Him now. I just get a sad little hurrah that barely makes it out of my lips in one sound.

I know he'll forgive me for the things I've done, but then again, I don't feel like I should be forgiven. I feel like him forgiving me would be wayyy too easy for Him to do it. And yet I know I can't go on without him. That I'll probably need to go running to him soon... Like now, for instance.

The Lord is super disappointed in me. That much I know. I feel like such a failure.

Right now, I don't have anymore motivation. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, not knowing where it'll swing to, when it'll break...

It's such a sad sad day when u know that all you have going for you... Is nothing.

and all it takes is just a simple action.

it's annoying when the things u do backfire in ur face.

Only sometimes u feel like it doesn't matter anymore and u wanna give up.

Only sometimes does it seem like nothing u do works anymore.

Anyway, it'll be a while and then i never have to interact with her again. That's my heaven. Haha. Pathetic, isn't it?

Full of memories, of people and places.

I went for my brother's concert yesterday. For something that seemed to be so 'whatever' in my world today, I was awestruck by how much the entire thing made me feel so alive again. It wasn't really just cuz my brother got to play 4 solos...

It stemmed from the fact that I love band, I love music, and I always will. It also struck me how much the people you play with matters. You could be the number one player in the whole world and you'd still hate band if there weren't the right enough conditions.

Which is probably why I feel so detached from band right now. I feel like playing in TJ's band has turned me into someone who seems to abhor the idea of good music. And all it took was a wonderful performance by the St Patrick's Alumni band.

I wish TKGS had an alumni band. I would be the first to sign up.. Actually, I was thinking.. I may start it myself if no one's gonna do it. Just to take the initiative.

It's so sad though.. If you think about it... My experience in TJ's band would have been much better if certain things changed. Such a pity since I really do love playing so much.

Oh well, sometimes, life is unfair. You just gotta keep smiling and moving on.

So many words all left unspoken.

The irony is that I did so much better in subjects that I was previously weak in. The funny thing is that I didn't just do BADLY for the subjects I used to score in, I FAILED them. Now how's that for funny ha ha?

The irony is that I haven't been online in a very long time. The funny thing is that because of my itouch, I've been surfing the web a lot.

If I don't do anything about my grades, I am so screwed.

The Poisson Distribution

Okay. I have 7 months to get my A..

And I DID improve a bit...

Always look on the bright side of life.



:))))))))))))))))))))

So don't look back in anger

How to go Law with GP results so horrid?

GARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

how pathetic. :(

No time is a good time for goodbye.

Well, it being Good Friday, you'd expect something good to happen. Or, at the very least, something normal.

Every year it's the same thing. I go to church in the morning, afternoon is spent napping or watching TV, just spending time with my family while trying not to let my hunger get to me, evening is the procession at St Joseph's and dinner is Nasi Lemak, long awaited after a whole day of nothing much.

Every year I spend my good Friday like this. Every year. So why couldn't this year be the same? Or, at least hold some sense of normalcy?

The first thing that made me realise things were different: My maid cooked sunny-side ups instead of the usual omelette that goes with nasi lemak. Okay, sure, to you people, it's a small stupid insignificant thing. But I was pretty miffed because it was one tradition gone. I didn't say anything though, cuz' I figured my dad was the one who told her to cook it that way.

The second thing was 3 people from my family attending the procession. Normally, almost my WHOLE family goes for the procession. This year was a dismal three people. THREE. Me, my aunt and uncle. It was so disappointing. My parents were part of the procession this year, so they went off to church real early. I went there on my own, spent 2 hours standing for waiting for my favourite part: Seeing the altar boys carry Jesus down from the cross and onto a makeshift bed. But I couldn't concentrate on it this year. Why? Well... that brings me to..

The third thing: It rained. That really made my heart do flip-flops. It NEVER rained before. And I am not making a fallacy. It's TRUE. In my almost 2 decades of going for the yearly St Joseph's procession, it NEVER rains. The rain came, and with it, an ominous feeling of things to come. I had a feeling it would rain, actually, so it didn't REALLY surprise me. Not because I watch weather patterns and the global temperature. I don't know how to explain it, though... I guess the fact that it didn't rain this year like it does every year around 3 in the afternoon kinda did it. When I felt the first droplet of rain on my candle holder, I couldn't help but feel like God was trying to say something HUGE. I really wish I knew what though... It scared me to no end.

The last thing that made good friday not-so-good was AFTER I went home. (On my own, again) I came out of the bathroom and was met with the always pleasant tension that signified my parents were fighting. It was horrible. I wanted to cry then. I wanted to scream out the injustice of not being able to enjoy at least a normal dinner after the not-so-normal day. It was not fair! Dinner was mostly stony silence. I was so tempted to turn on the tv just so it wouldn't be so tense. But I knew my father's wrath well. Well enough, at least. After dinner, I appeased my father by talking to him about their fight and cleared some stuff up. (Apparently, as it is with EVERY OTHER fight, it was a mere misunderstanding.) And then, I went to comfort my sorrow-stricken mother, upset with my father's usual way of proving his manhood by shouting and scolding. I also offered both of them cake that I made.

Somehow, I don't think that this is a 'me me' thing.. I feel like this is something more... This whole thing... It wasn't horrible on purpose.... Maybe God is really angry with me? I have done some seriously horrible things the past few weeks... I don't know. Maybe it IS a 'me me' kinda thing.

I hope Easter's wayyy better. =/

Storms are brewing in your eyes

The mind and spirit are willing. The flesh feels like it's about to collapse from its unstable foundation.

I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole and there's little chance of me ever finding my way out.

Joy.

On a positive note, I did pretty well for my physics and chemistry. Now, I just need to wait for my failed math paper. :(((

On another note, I wanna get the Vivaz. Sigh. Oh the wretched materialism drooling from the insides.

It all begins tonight...

The clock struck for the third time. She stood up from her bed and slowly dragged the heavy chair across the wooden floor, periodically pausing to ensure that no other sound could be heard save for her slow and regulated breaths. She almost reached the window when a thick oak leg of the chair scrapped across a loose board she did not notice. The result was a low groan. Quickly freezing, her ears pricked up again for any signs of movement. Convinced that no one was on to her, she pushed the chair the rest of the way to the window and plonked down onto its soft cushion, a soft sigh escaping her pursed lips.

She glanced wearily out the window, placing her arms on the dusty window sill. The moon shone big and bright in the dark sky, and with most of the neighbourhood dark, she could make out the grey clouds that slowly moved across the pale yellow light. It really was a beautiful night indeed, as they had predicted. What cruel irony, was the only thing on her mind. She did a quick backward glance towards the door as she thought of the paradox in the situation, as if afraid of someone reading her thoughts.

On the outside, everything appeared so immaculate and wonderful. Inside was a hell hole that only she knew. Only she could understand the extent of misery and darkness that filled up the space from the inside, never quite reaching the outside so people couldn't see. What a family, what a life, what a joke. She could almost laugh at the situation, laugh till tears streaked down her face, actually. She shook her head at their obliviousness to every situation that came running smack in their faces. She sighed at their inability to connect with her. She smirked as she realised just how much above them she was and how she didn't have to tolerate their nonsense at any cost.

No one must know, she muttered softly under her breath. She ran a soft hand through her long, dark hair and looked at the few strands that were pulled out by the action. They were strands of hair that didn't even hurt her when she pulled them out. They were dispensable. Like she was. Dispensable.

I honestly don't know what I want in life anymore...

Yeah okay.. So I DO know what I want...

Just don't know if I can achieve it..

ANYWAY, I think, for someone who specialises in drawing stickmen, this is a nice drawing. :)

As the feeling inside keeps building

Alright. I finally figured it out. I know why I've been so miserable lately.

Even though I mentioned that it probably didn't have anything to do with my schoolwork... I realize now that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Not with schoolwork per say.. More like my whole education.

I feel the pressure. And it's mounting slowly.. Slowly, slowly.. Until finally, one day, I am going to crack wide open. I'm literally the ONLY one in my entire family to have made it to a junior college. Good or bad, it doesn't matter.. I'm the ONLY one!

While I felt special the whole of two minutes when my family told me this, I realize now what that entails..

My whole family expects something out of me. My parents and my brothers are just so eager to see me enter university. Whichever university doesn't matter. They can't wait to take pictures with me wearing the motar board waving a shiny certificate in my hand.

I'm feeling the pressure even though my parents constantly assure me that they're not putting pressure on me. My dad wrote me an email saying how proud he was after I VISITED the law school open house. I mean, that's sweet and all, but WOW do I feel like I have to do something now.

Okay. I won't say it's all bad? Pressure's good sometimes. It keeps you in check, pushes you forward.. The amount I feel right now makes me want to go back. It makes me want to back out and say, "okay, that was a good try. Can I go now?"

and now I'm scared... Cuz I have all these expectations to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.. I don't know if everyone will feel disappointed if I screw up.

It's sooooooo crazy.

Have to keep breathing though and tell myself that people expect this of me because I have the potential. I can do this. I just need to keep pressing on and keep praying as hard as I can.
I need to stop procrastinating and start burrowing my nose in my books.
In the end, I'm going to be that lawyer. I'm going to go into legal pratice and hopefully not die there.

I can do it.

I think..