Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18.

I do think I think too much.

(^LOL)

Mally is back from Jordan which made me kinda exciting because I can't wait to see him again.

But maybe he doesn't feel the same way?

When I told Kammy, she replied with 'I thought you said he was shy?'

Yeah okay, she was right. But I mean... I'd at least he'd be a bit more excited to talk to me?

Maybe he's just really busy. After all, he has a lot of work to catch up with.

Okay, I really need to stop being all.... crazy.

Even if he only wants to be friends, he's a really nice guy so I wouldn't mind being friends.

Maybe.

Okay, 9am in the morning is a crazy time for me. =/

We found love in a hopeless place

The title of my blog is 'Write With Songs'. This is because all of my post titles are lyrics from songs. At least for the last couple of years. (Maybe since 2010?)

Sometimes, it's a line that seems to fit with my current mood, or the current theme of the post. Most of the time though, it's what I happen to be listening to while writing the post. Or whatever I have stuck in my head. And hence, that's why, today's title is such.

I really am not a huge fan of Rihanna. But this song's in Calvin Harris' new album and it's on repeat right now.

I do love a lot of genres of music. From jazz, to pop, to rock, to indie, to the 'oldies'.

Anyway, tomorrow, I fly back home.

It's been an extremely fun holiday back. I got to finally meet my adorable niece and The Usuals were all reunited for a record-breaking number of times since we all went our separate ways.

I can't wait to be back in the UK and see what lies in store for me. :)

These are the good old days.

An early 21st birthday celebration. :)

And a puke-stained blanket to show for it. :(

Who's gonna save the world tonight?

Firstly, I would like to wish everyone reading this a very happy New Year. It's 2013, everyone! You know what this means, right???? Yeah, no, I don't either.

Well, I'm sure the new year will bring with it joy and everything else.

I just finished my application to Linklaters for their summer programme. Here's my fingers crossed that I do manage to get a place. I realise it's wayy too competitive but at least I try.

I've got plenty of other applications to complete, 4 of which I need to do before I return home. The rest I can wait till my exams are over before I start them.

It's pretty tedious though. Most of the form is the same. But because there is no copy and paste option, I have to fill it in manually, one by one.

In other news, I'm getting extremely excited for my birthday party on Saturday. It's gearing up to be quite a night. Plenty of my good friends are scheduled to arrive. And of course, the lunch affair with my  family. Right. Well, I better get started on my exam revision proper.

I'm back in the UK in less than 2 weeks. That's really quick. :O (I made the mistake of adding a 'yay' behind that statement in front of my mum and she got kinda annoyed.)

---------------

I'm editing this at 9.30pm Singapore time. (My blog's still in UK time soo.... yeah.)

I'm halfway through studying express trusts and I've been taking too many breaks in between.

Anyway, I realise I forgot to write this down. So future me can see this. (And when I say future me, I mean the me in a few weeks' time.) I've decided that it's probably a waste of time with M. I mean, a few messages on Christmas day and that was it. After that, nothing. I mean, if someone really liked you, he'd kinda try to show it, wouldn't he? At least a message on New Year's Day or something. So I say I'll give him a chance... But after that... nothing. So, I mean, really. What did you think a chance meant? That I was going to jump into your arms? You wanted that chance, so obviously you're gonna have to work for it.

You see, that's what really puzzles me about M more than anything. I really, really cannot understand him. In other ways, he is a really nice guy. Good looking, sweet, blah blah. But he seems to be shooting mixed signals all over the place. The first period of a budding relationship should not be so difficult. It's sweet, and you get to know one another, and you go on dates, and feelings start to blossom. And you like the other person a lot, so you know it might turn into something. With M, I do still like him a bit. Although, not as much as before, definitely. When he texts me, he's like this super sweet guy. All his words are coated in sugar and frosting, and he only has words of adoration. But then, nothing. Just. Completely ignores me. No texts, no calls. Like it doesn't matter that he doesn't text or call, or even that I don't text or call.

Okay, here's me admitting that, like every other girl, I do get happy, maybe even excited, when the guy I like texts me. But how I (and most girls) know he really likes me, is when he can't go on long without texting again. And again. (And obviously, if I like him, I reply.) Which, in this case, M doesn't do. So hmm.. does he like me? Or not? Somehow I get the feeling that perhaps he just wanted another chance because he just wanted to date someone, anyone. He told me that he wanted a life outside of work. Maybe at that point in time, I was the only option. Well, if that's the case I don't blame him, and I'm not mad at him, but I'm definitely not gonna waste my time with him. And I hope he finds someone nice to 'have a life outside work' with. lol.

That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again.

I was reading a blog post I did at the end of 2009. It was a list of major events that had happened in my life that year. Some were nice, some not so. All of them I could at least vaguely recall.

For a split second, I contemplate doing the same this year. However, I can't even begin to consolidate everything that has happened to me this year. Plus, some of the things that have happened (that were major) are things that I don't even want to acknowledge happened to me on this blog.

It has been a very long year indeed. The longest I can remember by far. It's hard to believe that certain events only happened last year when it seems like it was an eternity ago that they happened. Like me going to Australia with Tiara and Annabelle. I can't believe we did that in the summer of 2011. I swear, it happened so long ago, I can barely register it in my memory.

In any case, I am both sad and glad to see this year end. It's been fun, horrible, amazing, and miserable all at once.

It would be interesting to see what the new year brings along with it.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to my two wonderful amazing girlfriends in the UK, Rebs and Shan. It's hard to imagine how my life in the UK would have been if not for them. For all the major events in my life this year, they were there. Making sure I wasn't about to crumble, or enjoying the happiness and good fortune along with me. I trust them completely and would do almost anything for them.

For the two special, amazing good friends of mine, I want them to know that I love and miss them very much and will be waiting to start the new year with them in Manchester.

xxx

My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can.

Okay. So... I think I'm done trying to seek the right one.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, or angry, or miserable.

I'm actually feeling pretty alright. Well, a little tired but that's because I've been waking up at stupid hours in the morning because my body hates me.

I just think I should just wait for him to come to me. I'm gonna just sit here and wait.

So yeah. Need to sort out more important things in my life anyway. And I'm a bit sianzz of guys going 'oh I really like you' when they barely know me. Like, really ah? You like me ah? Wow. You must know me so well from my Facebook profile and a couple of chats. Congratulations.

Okay, I rarely use Singlish in my blog. So you know how tired I feel.

Anyway, if I'm being honest, I don't really know what I want.

I still don't know if I should give M another chance although to be fair that's not really an issue that's very pressing. Just one of those things at the back of my mind.

Also, I'm very hungry. That's a more pressing issue.

In other news, I can't help but feel very sorry for J. To the extend of wanting to check in with him. But I can't see how that would end well if at all so I'm stopping myself.

I still think he's an ass that fucks up everything good going for him because he feels like he is entitled to all these things. But no one should have a crappy Christmas. I do love Christmas so it's sad when I learn that someone I know isn't having a good Christmas. I love Christmas because, despite all the money pumped into gifts and such, there's still a magical spirit in the air that affects (most) everyone.

So to hear that he's really upset is quite pitiful.

If I knew that he wouldn't be anything but nice at least, I would drop him a message just asking him how he is. But he would probably just get all mad and ask me why I bother, blah blah blah.

Well, in any case, I wish whoever is reading this a very Merry Christmas. Hope yours is and was amazing and fantastic!

xxx

I think I maybe think too much

Christmas with my family is always a fun affair. I had a lot of fun mingling with my relatives and playing with the little kids. It's really nice to be back home for the holidays. No matter how much I complain about my family, I do still love them very much.

M messaged me today. And he asked me if we could start things again. I said yes.

I don't know if that was the right choice, to be honest.

I like Mally. I do. He's really sweet and a real gentleman.

But I feel like things between M and I are unfinished. I mean, so far he hasn't really shown that he's all that interested in me. After blowing me off for the umpteenth time, he only gave a very flurried text explaining that he overslept and after that, no contact. And yet, today he messaged me saying that he misses me.

If he really was interested, he would've checked in and asked if I was alright. Or even if I was angry. But he didn't.

Should I even bother giving him another chance?

What about Mally? I like him and I really want to see where things go with him.

Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of some soap drama?

I'm sorry I don't understand where all this is coming from

Different country, different problems.

Over in the UK, my life is carefree but it can get lonely. Over here, I'm surrounded by family but there are times when I feel like pulling the roots of my hair out and manufacturing a plane with the cuticles so I can fly home.

My mum told me specifically to get my birthday cakes from this particular bakery. I just assumed that price-wise, she was going to be okay with it. How the fuck am I supposed to know the standard rate of the price of cake?! As if I keep up with the fluctuating prices of baked goods. YEAH, I'M SURE EVERYONE DOES THAT, RIGHT.

It cost $42 per kilo of cake. Apparently, the standard price is $35. OH WOW. I'M SOOO SORRY I didn't know that I was overpaying by a few dollars. And my brother decided to chip in with a helpful 'so if it cost $2000 you would pay for it?' WOW. YEAH, I AM *THAT* STUPID.

It's times like this I don't mind packing everything here and moving permanently to the UK. Sure, I'll miss my family once in a while but we will have better relations if I am very, very far away from them.

Fuck this, man. I don't need this shit. I don't know why my mother is paying over a thousand dollars for me to come home so she can yell at me.

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

I am gonna sound like a completely spoilt bitch.

I was SOO happy when my maid came to my place today and cleaned up my room. And everything's so neat and clean!

You see, what happened was, my maid is now my brother's maid, helping to take care of little Emily (my very very adorable niece.)

And she came over today primarily to help my mum cook for our Christmas party. But she also cleaned the house in general, including my room.

The difference between having a maid and not having one is SO VAST.

Alright. I'm done sounding like a little princess.

I'm so spoilt it's not even funny. :(

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

This has been an amazing few days.

I'm extremely happy to be leaving Manchester on this note.

On Monday, Mally came over for dinner and I cooked up Lasagna for him. After which, we enjoyed an evening cuddling on the couch listening to different kinds of jazz music. I even made him watch breaking bad. :D

On Tuesday, Pei Shan and I had a wonderful dinner at Australasia (and the darling was sweet enough to treat me!) The waiters serving me were SO HOT. I swear, they are really picky with the male staff that they hire at that restaurant because they are all so yumz.

Anyway, hot waiters aside, Mally then came over again in the evening. He taught me how to enjoy a 'Tim Tam Slam' with a Penguin biscuit and hot Milo. And we spent the rest of the evening cuddling on the couch talking about nothing and everything.

And then I gave him his first proper kiss.

At first I didn't know what to think that I was seeing someone who had less experience than me sexually. Considering I seem to exclusively date English men and they all seem to be horny bastards, it was a bit of a change to be dating someone whom I had to 'coach' how to kiss.

After thinking for a bit, I realised that it was a very refreshing change. He is actually very different from the other men I've dated. And it's not even just something a guy says when trying to chase you. He is so smart, so mature, has his head screwed on right, treats me proper, and is just so very sweet.

He bought me the Penguin biscuits and hot chocolate as a surprise.

I don't feel any extreme ups or downs with him. It's so nice to just feel good hanging out with him.

I guess I'm just looking forward to getting to know him more when I get back. :)

Also, I really need to buckle down and study a lot.

I had a lot of fun Manchester, and I'll see you next year. :)

P.S. This has been my 440th post on my blog. My life story and ramblings over 7 years all collated into one website. :')

Birds singing in the sycamore tree

This year, I'll be in sunny Singapore spending Christmas with my family.

I've had so much to be thankful for this Christmas, and more to regret. But Christmas means that I get to wipe the slate clean and start the new year afresh!

Last Tuesday, I fell out with someone that I thought could be considered a good friend. Turns out he was someone that did not deserve whatever little kindness I bestowed on him.

Then M said he wanted to come visit. Of course, once bitten, twice shy. I wasn't going to be stupid to assume he was actually coming. And of course, he didn't show up. Again, I realised that he wasn't worth any of my attention.

You would think that after all that I would be a bitter gourd at Christmas. However, I have had the most wonderful two days.

Yesterday, I had breakfast with Mal and we ended up spending the day together. We went to the Manchester Art Gallery and then just took a walk around Manchester.

This morning, we had breakfast at Patisserie Valerie and went to see the Museum of Science and Industry.

I think he's an amazing friend. He's extremely smart and loves the boring stuff that I love.

I don't know if there might be something more to this. He's really sweet and seems keen on me. But I'm afraid that I don't come across as very smart, or very mature.

Things I never thought I had to worry about before. (LOL. The irony!)

Well, in any case, it has been a good weekend and I'm happy to be leaving Manchester knowing that there is a lot more here in store for me when I get back.

This is a beautiful city with a lot of hidden treasures just waiting for me to explore. :)

And then you take it away

I feel like if anyone were to read my blog, they'd think I was a depressed individual on the verge of suicide.

Perhaps sometimes they would not be that far off. Sometimes life gives you lemons but you just can't be fucked to make lemonade.

I had written a very long post about getting my heart broken, again, for the umpteenth time.

Then I decided to fuck it and went to get a shower.

Then I realised what was most important.

I'm not here to get love.

I'm here for me. I'm here to get a good degree, to enjoy myself and live life to the fullest.

I'm here to get everything out of my system.

I'm here to fuck it all and be me. Love me.

I'm gonna concentrate on my studies now, for my exams are coming up.

Perhaps it's a good sign that I can't get into a relationship right now.

Perhaps I need the reminder that I have to focus on this. On me.

I come first.

I always come first.

I love my shower. :D