I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

It's horrible to be sick.

My body aches and I feel like drowning.

Also, I get this feeling of complete uselessness.

Okay, lately my studies have not been the top priority.

I seriously need to pull up my socks, slap myself awake and concentrate more.

Before that though, I need to get better, and fast, because I really want to see M this Saturday.

I swear I'm trying not to fall in as quickly as I have before.

But it's hard, I suppose.

For one thing, if you know anything about me, you'd know that it's what I do. When I feel a connection, I fall deep, quick and hard.

I'm trying to hold back my feelings and tread about this slowly and carefully.

Trying to seize up what I'm dealing with here as opposed to jumping straight in.

So why do I like M?

Well, firstly, I like that he has a group of lads that he's very close to and would do anything for. It reminds me of my group of darlings back home. The group of best friends that I'd do anything for. That I love with my life. That're like family.

Secondly, I love that he has the firm mentality that the man should always be the one to provide. Although my mum had been the breadwinner of the family for most of my life, I know it kills my dad inside that he is unable to provide. Although I believe that as a woman, I should always be financially independent, I'm traditional in the mindset that the man should be the breadwinner in the household.

And of course, he's really cute, very smart and quite mature at times (except when he's being childish. Which can be quite cute at times, and quite annoying at others).

There're a lot more reasons why I like him but it's probably too many to type out.

I guess right now, I'm happy. Okay, not right now, because I'm just feeling depressed from being sick.

P.S. Hilarious that I'm only getting minimal page views from my home country but like more than half of the total views come from the United Kingdom and the United States. Would be nice if my readers could just give me a shout out. :)

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes'. (20 Things #1)

I've been rather active on my blog lately. I've decided to write down 20 things about me. Some are well-known facts, some aren't. In a few weeks/months/years, we'll see what has changed. (And perhaps I'll do another one in the future just for the fun of it.)

1. I have a third name which I chose for my confirmation. In all honesty, I didn't have to choose one, but all of my friends chose one so I decided, 'why not?' The name is Anne. (So essentially my full name is Stephanie Michelle Anne de Souza.)
2. I have a stuffed dog named 'Baby'. My mum found her at a bus stop when I was 11 and she's been my favourite stuffed toy since.
3. Baby has been to many countries with me. These include, but are not limited to, China, Japan, Taiwan, and the United Kingdom.
4. I have six best friends. 5 of them girls. Most subscribe to the view that you can only have one best friend (hence the word 'best'). But you know what I say to those people? Fuck off.
5. I'm engaged to one of my best friends on Facebook. We made that agreement when we were 16 and sick of guys. We have plans to settle down together and get a civil partnership if we don't find love by 40.
6. I've never had a serious relationship that lasted for more than a month.
7. I had a crush on an older female schoolmate when I was 13. She was my mentor and very 'butch' and I was so confused as a result.
8. I'm swearing off Dominos pizza until the end of this year. This started at the start of the summer and I haven't broken my personal oath thus far.
9. I have plenty of good friends. Some are closer than others, but all are treasured dearly.
10. I still can't believe my oldest brother has a child. Only because he will always be my annoying, childish older brother who can't stop pissing me off.
11. I cannot stand cockroaches. I can face lizards, most other incests, zombies, and the imminence of World War 3. But if you put a (dead or live) cockroach in front of me, I will run away screaming bloody murder.
12. If you EVER attempt to try number 11, I will bitch slap you so hard, your descendants will all be born with a hand-shaped print on their faces.
13. Candy makes me happy. You could make me upset, and give me cotton candy or some sweets, and I'll be cheerful again. (Please do not abuse this power.)
14. I have a slight dent near my eye from when I picked at my chicken pox as a kid.
15. I was one of those boy-band crazy little girls. I used to love Westlife, the Backstreet Boys, and N*Sync. I suppose I can pass no judgement on the kids in love with Justin Bieber and One Direction.
16. My favourite drink right now is Southern Comfort mixed with Coke.
17. I recently splurged on Gucci perfume because I thought I deserved a little treat (although the reason why varies every five minutes.)
18. I can't seem to be attracted to anyone other than Caucasians. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.
19. I'm stupidly proud of the fact that I got Facebook ahead of most of my peers. (In late 2007.) When I got it, I could only find about 40 (or less) friends because no one else really had it then.
20. I am still largely undecided on whether I'd want to stay in the UK after my law degree. Something tells me I'd be basing that decision slightly on whether I get into a serious relationship during my undergraduate studies.

xxx

We put them right in our path when we just want to be free.

I don't know what brought on the sudden upsurge of views, but I suppose for the most part I shan't complain.

So anyway, I had my date with M yesterday. And I'm having my date with T tomorrow.

I wonder at which point in my life I became attractive enough to actually be able to 'hook' two guys at once.

I'm honestly not trying to be smug, or cocky, or show off my slag-like skills.

It's just that, it's still a bit of a shock to me that I'm actually seeing two guys at the same time.

It's hard to process, really.

Perhaps, psychologically speaking, I'm still the same ugly, fat girl inside. The one that was big and tall and looked like a giant next to every single boy.

Such low self-esteem.

And now I actually get to choose. Like, I could literally do an eeny-meeny-mynie-mo. Of course, I'm not going to.

Oh gosh, it *does* sound like I'm lording this around.

"Oh woe is me! Two girls are in love with me! My wallet's too small for my 50's and my diamond shoes are too tight for my feet!" (Chandler, Friends.)

Yeah okay. I honestly don't know who's reading this. My stats show that a lot of views are coming in from Facebook and Google.

Anyway, because it seems like my blog is getting more and more attention, I shall strive to be more vague and less specific.

Right. Well, whoever is reading this, I wish you a pleasant day. And also, cheese is good for you, but not so much, okay?

We've got the dreamers disease

Okay. My love life right now seems like it's fluctuating up and down, up and down.

Right now?

OMG I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I may actually have to choose between two lads.

TWO. Wtf right? 2 years ago, I would've grovelled for a decent-looking guy to even wink at me.

And now this.

Well, to be fair, I may not have to make the decision. Perhaps either (or both) of the guys will decide in the end that they don't want to be with me.

And do they know the places where we go when we're grey and old?

Okay, I'm done.

I'm tired of being used as something you can wipe down and throw away.

I'm tired of putting my heart out there.

Every time I do that, it backfires in my face.

Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

I'm a human girl with emotions.

I'm not a piece of tissue paper or the tips of shoelaces.

I was not put on this earth for the pleasure of others while I whimper in the corner at my disastrous luck.

I. Am. Done.

Welcome the new Steph.

Filled halfway with cold detachment and topped up with nonchalant indifference.

Nobody seems to care about my feelings.

So why should I give a fuck?

Nonchalance is the meal of the day and I'm starving.

Congratulations, England. You've managed to give yet another reason why your country is flushing down the drain: there are just too many shits everywhere.

It's alive with the beating of young hearts.

I went to his Facebook profile today. And all I could feel was disgust that I ever let him near me.

I rarely think about him anymore. Which is such a strange transformation from only a few weeks ago.

I suppose I am truly over him. And I know that any lingering feelings I had over the past few weeks was because I felt lonely.

I no longer feel lonely.

Yes, I am still single. But I have great friends around me. And I don't really need much else.

About J though.. We've proper known each other for 3 weeks.

We're only friends, but every time I talk to him I want more. And when I see him, it only escalates the feeling.

He challenges me. But not always. It's bickering but at the end of the day, when he sees that I've been pushed to my limit, he stops and gives me a hug and says he's sorry.

He showed me that today.


He annoys me. But only in ways that he knows I know he's kidding. And he does it in such a cheeky way I can't help but laugh too.

He's smart, but not arrogantly so. He's cute, and goofy, and sweet, and adorable.


We decided to be only friends. But I wonder if we could stay that.

Again, I need to pray for patience.

I shall not ruin this with insane rushing. Not this time. I will do this right.

And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

So I can stand on mountains

It's gonna be a stress-filled two weeks. I have too many things to do and not enough time to complete them all.

So what am I doing blogging?

I don't have a fucking clue.

Postdated: 31 Oct 2012, 20:48

(This was written in Madrid, Spain.)

As my friends are asleep in the hotel room, a result of a tiring day of walking in Madrid and a lack of sleep from the night before, I'm left here alone. Unable to turn on the tv for fear of waking them up and having forgotten to bring a book to chase away the boredom.

Outside, I'm tired. But not because of a lack of sleep or anything else. I'm tired because I feel turmoil. Inside.

Today I went from dating a guy to now just being friends. I went from being able to have a good friend to now hoping that she'll forgive me for my transgressions. 

Today I was alone by myself the entire day. Figuring out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. What the fuck I'm doing at all, really.

I'm in Madrid. Most people would kill to come here. Most people are envious that I'm here holidaying at an exotic European destination.

And yet, I can't fully enjoy it because my life, as usual, is full of fuck.

And now, I lie on my hotel bed, wondering about the consequences of my decisions.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

I don't even know how to begin, what to begin doing...

Sent from my iPhone

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Okay I am a fucking mess.

And the thing is, I don't think anyone understands. Fuck, even I don't understand myself for the most part.

Okay. I like him.

But I don't know if I like the idea of him more. Or the idea that maybe I'll be getting a boyfriend soon.

I think he's majorly cute. He is so handsome. And when we kiss I actually get butterflies in my stomach.

When he looks at me, I get shy. And when he teases me, I get annoyed, but I feel special and happy that he's comfortable enough to do that with me.

Of course, it doesn't matter because it doesn't look like he feels the way.

And that's a horrible feeling. But as much as it pains me, I'll have to let him go.

Can't even say we can still be friends or whatever. We live such different lives that if it doesn't work out, I guess I won't be seeing him much anymore.

Soooo yeah. I guess I shall be prepared for tomorrow and... we'll see what happens.

Keep my expectations low. As low as possible.

I would say I need a drink, but after last night's craziness, I just need closure.

Do you ever feel like a waste of space?

I swear I think it's the stress and the PMS.

Feel so horrible right now.

Feel like... Whatever happened 2 days ago was a one-off thing and that... my life will be filled with little happy one-off moments and the rest is just...

Maybe I'm destined to end up alone.

Maybe the little happy moments in my life will just stay memories and... yeah.

Fuck. I need a drink.

Let it never be said, 'the romance is dead'.

And so begins a new chapter in my life... Amid the tons and tons of work.

But it's okay. Because I'm not rushing into anything. :) I'm doing this slow and steady.

I'm gonna do it right.

Anyway, the main issue isn't really about what is or is not to happen...

I feel judged when I'm walking with him. Like, everyone's wondering what this Chinese girl is doing stealing away one of their kind.

Yesterday, he held my hand for the first time. (Yes, cue 'awwww's and 'oooohh's)

While we were walking, I could feel people staring at me. Don't know if it was just me being too paranoid or self-conscious, or if they were really disapproving..

Sigh. Okay, well. This is just me airing my thoughts.

Off to do more work!

(Honestly, I'm so happy at the prospect of what'll be happening in the near future, but shhh... Not so fast there. ;) )

It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life.

I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

Be patient, Stephanie. Things will happen when they happen. If you try to rush into anything, you will only feel horrid and miserable.

I guess, on some level, I've always known that. But by nature, I am an impulsive person. I do things because they make me feel alive. I feel passion and a rush and thrills. And on the other hand, my brain works like a never-ending clog machine, churning out over-analysed facts by the minute.

So here I am, trying to consolidate my overworked brain with my passionate nature. Trying to stop myself from short-circuiting my thought processes when once again, my impulsive nature takes over and it backfires in my face.

In the end, the only person that stands to lose is me.

I'm already 20. No longer a teenager. I can no longer blame silly whims on my adolescence.

Today, I grow up. I view the world no more a moon-eyed little girl thinking that the world is a magical and happy place to explore. There are sharp thorns and crooked roads.

I need to open my eyes and calm my heart.

Good things come to those who wait. God has a plan for me.