Somebody that I used to know

A tear drop slid down the sunken cheek. It continued on its downward path, finally falling free from the edge of the slightly oval-shaped face. She had finally escaped. Finally. She felt free. Alive with pleasure! And yet... Yet, she felt that something wasn't right...

She saw a rock. A big boulder jutting out from the otherwise soft and pliable muddy floor. A rock that represents strong, firm steadiness. She headed towards it, hoping to find some sort of comfort. When she reached it, she lunged for it, afraid that any moment spent not touching it would result in its disappearance.

The rock held firm as she clawed on to its jagged sides. Heaving a sigh of relief, she continued holding onto the rock for dear life, depending on her grasp for some sort of energy. After a while, she took a deep breath. 'The rock isn't going anywhere,' she thought, and gently, she released her death-like grip on the boulder. Almost immediately after she had pried her fingers from the hard edges, the rock began to sink into the soft mud below.

'NO, WAIT!' The girl's eyes shot open. She had only thought of letting go for a second! Instincts took over and her arms went around the hard stone once more. But it was too late. The rock continued its descent into the ground, at first slowly, but as the girl tried frantically to lift the rock back up again, it seemed to detect the girl's desperation and sunk down at a faster rate.

The rock was almost gone now, a little part of it still jutted out, but it was no where near as comforting or as steady as before. It was just a tiny piece of rock. The girl stared at the mockery the tiny rock seemed to represent. Laughing at her for being so trusting. It was a rock, yes! But it wasn't as firm or as steady as once perceived. 'You stupid fool!' It seemed to taunt.

The girl stood up. Once again finding herself in the middle of the huge forest. Huge tall trees surrounding her, the ground soft and breakable under her toes. She was alone again. She was afraid to move. Any sudden action may cause the forest to swallow her whole. Like the story. What was it? Jonah and the whale, wasn't it? Yes, she was to be Jonah.

There was to be no happy ending to this tale. Because life is just that fair. The girl would slowly move along the forest trails. Sometimes, she would meet a nice, helpful animal who would help her get food or scavenge for her next meal. Sometimes, that animal would die from old age, disease, or the sly, cunning predator that had its eye on it. Sometimes, the girl would find a stream, next to a beautiful meadow in the clearing. Green grass, pretty, tall flowers, soft grounds, clear blue water. The epitome of beauty. And she would live there for a while because it was just too beautiful and majestic to leave. And then she would have to go because well, maybe it seemed too dangerous to live there anymore.

Seems that only the sweet release of death would provide any long-lasting comfort.

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.

Suddenly, breathing seems so hard to do

I'm sorry. I just *had* to do another post before I went to bed.

I am absolutely LOVING my new blog template. It's so pretty and blue. And sky-like.

I love the sky, really. (And yes, as you can see, my mood has rapidly changed from the previous post.)

Anyway, this post is really nonsense. Although, I suppose, it's not like most of my other posts are filled with good philosophical thoughts and things other people could learn from.

I am also loving the new font that my blog posts are written in. It seems more personal and accessible...

Anyway, people would be misdirected by my choice of 'post title'. It's merely from one of the many Westlife songs I was listening to for nostalgic purposes. (See below post.)

I suppose though, breathing can be a sudden chore when you realise how fragile life is. I could die tomorrow. I honestly could. I mean, I don't control when my passing will be.

But alright, enough with the morbid realisation of the fragility of life. As mentioned before, this was supposed to be a nonsense, more upbeat post.

Tomorrow, I honestly need to bite down and scrabble to start my exam preparations.

First class, people! That's my goal! :D

Sometimes we fall, can't get back up.

As I sit in front of my computer, I look around, and all I see is a mess. Messy table, messy bed, messy room. In a way, it complements my life as it is right now.

Messy.

Well, I suppose, everyone's life is messy in one way or another.

I should be glad though that although my life seems to be a bulk of tangled string after tangled string, I can see light poring through from the other side of the clump.

Last week, I found God again. And every time I think of that moment, I want to cry. Somewhat because I'm glad I have Him in my life again, somewhat because I just can't believe how far I've faltered.

I was redesigning my blog (mostly as a distraction piece. instead of doing actual studying...) and I read the piece I wrote last week.

It's true, you know. I've probably changed a little. Everyone changes. Of course, what I went through wasn't really a change.. more of a falling off the deep end. Thankfully though, although said deep end was indeed 'deep', it wasn't deep enough that the Lord could not drag me out of there.

The task now, of course, is to try and maintain that hold onto God. I know he's there trying to hold on to me too. But somehow I find it too easy to push him away...

Right now.... I don't know. I suppose it's hard to feel happy when I've got so many thoughts on my mind... Things I need to resolve...

I guess I'm just trying to keep myself above the surface... Listening to 'old classics' by Westlife and designing little covers here and there... Trying to repeat to myself that God loves me and that I'm a wonderful creation of his...

It's weird though... Usually after a camp or a retreat, my 'God-high' lasts for at least a week or two... Is it because I'm getting old? Or maybe because it used to be more accessible to go back to the location of where I found peace? (i.e. my church in Singapore.)

Whatever it is... I find it a bit harder to hold onto that peace and comfort I found during the Easter Triduum. I just have to keep praying and praying, I suppose.

After all, there is a lot of power in prayer.

And also, I remember just how much God loves me now.

So, hopefully, it'll be an easier road ahead.

I've got a ticket to anywhere

I don't really know who I am anymore.

I don't know if England has changed me... Or maybe I was always like this; I just needed the push.

I never thought I was this sort of person.

Apparently, I am.

I still think of him, you know. (Btw, when I say 'you', I probably am talking to my future self.. Or whoever chances upon this blog and bothers reading.)

But somehow it's not that I miss him... I think of him and I compare him with.. the other him. (Let's call him A for sanity's sake.)

I haven't physically met A yet. We've skyped once. We text a lot. He has issues. Well, to be honest, he's a lot like.. D.

Which scares me because I don't want a repeat, obviously. But I can't stop texting him (A). It's like I have this innate urge to want to hug the helpless. Which was what caused me to get with D in the first place. He (D) seemed so lost... so full of trouble.. And then he said he met me and his life seemed to be turning round.

Yes, I'm not stupid. (I think.) I did know that he had a LOT of issues. I mean.. his history was something out of one of those Oprah or Jeremy Kyle shows that make you wonder how people could even live like that.

So how could I leave him? And make him drown in more despair? Of course, in the end, he was the one to cut my heart out and shred it into pieces, so you know.. it worked out for me, I suppose. (Cuz' I didn't have to be the one to do it.)

Am I doing the same to A? He has a lot of issues.. But he says he's so happy every time he talks to me. And he smiles so sweetly, it makes me want to hug him.

Is this who I am? So incapable of loving myself that I need others to need me more than I think I'm worth. Pei Shan was right. I don't have self-acceptance. But how do I go about getting that?

My whole life, I was always cast in the shadows. No one really needed me. No one thought I was worth loving. I mean, the only love I got was... 'yeah, she'll always be there' love. The sort of love you give out because you know it's safe to give out. I never had someone love me even though it was a risk.

My whole life, I was never the pretty one, the skinny one. I was pleasant. bubbly. cute. outgoing. happy-go-lucky. People liked me because it seemed like I was so comfortable being who I was. No one realised the pain I went through being the 'funny one'. Or the 'smart one'. The one that solved problems and was happy enough listening to others' problems and issues. Always there. That's me.

And then I come here, and suddenly guys find me irresistible. Attractive. They stare at me, they tell me I'm pretty, beautiful even. They think my intelligence beyond the level of 'useful'.

Is it a wonder I really ended up where I am now? Loathing myself at every step.. Wondering what the fuck happened to the sweet, bubbly girl who couldn't even bring herself to mouth a swear word. (Yes, a paradox at its best.)

I don't really know what's happening to me. I know what I have to do, I suppose, but... I don't know.

I need you, God. I'm sorry I'm such a horrible Christian. If 15-year-old me saw what I would've become, she would run screaming. Or maybe.. not?

See? I don't know who I am. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

I claim to be a Catholic. But I'm compromising my values left and right just so it suits my situation. I claim to be intelligent. But I'm making choices that would have teenagers laugh at me because even THEY wouldn't be THAT stupid. I claim to think I'm pretty.... I do think I'm pretty sometimes. Other times, I feel like I should just wear a mask.

I don't think any of my friends really think I'm pretty. To them, I'm funny, joyful, a laugh to be with, smart, annoying, etc.

None of them think I'm pretty. I'm sure my family thinks I'm pretty because they have to. So at the end of the day... the people I'm closest to don't think I'm beautiful. So... if I suddenly find myself holding the attention of a few guys... What the fuck did you think I was fucking going to do? Ignore them?

Urgh. I hope I get answers this week. I pray I do...

I didn't go for Palm Sunday mass. Completely forgot it was Palm Sunday... It'll probably be a huge-ass miracle if I go to heaven because I am SOOOO not worth it.

This is a part of me that you will never ever take away from me.

I think there's something perpetually wrong with me.

I only seem interested in white men. Men that, somehow, were born to be even more horny than any chinese guy I know. Or at least, more open about their horniness.

2 white guys I've dated. One, virtual. And I went to open one of his emails today. And I remember why I got into a 'relationship' with him. Because he was essentially a smooth-talker. (Well, obviously. We had no other means of connection..)

The other one? Not a smooth-talker, really. In fact, he got a bit awkward at times. But he was a fucking liar. Said all these things.. How I was so beautiful, so intelligent. How I was a million things better than his ex. Said all these things. Said he would treat me like a princess. Of course, when it came down to it, nothing he said mattered.

And I'm left to wonder about what that means for me.

Left to deal with the consequences of me making all these great choices in my life. My love life is so screwed up. But somehow, I'm still only attracted to white men. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Maybe it's because of my size. I'm a bigger girl. A lot bigger than the average asian. But somewhat average when compared to the brits here. Maybe I feel that white guys will accept me better.

I don't think I have a lot of respect for myself then. I'm afraid that if I say no to a guy that shows interest, I'll never end up with anyone. I'm afraid of being alone. Forever.

So yeah. That's it. That's the huge story of my life. I keep fucking things up in my love life because I have no respect for myself. I think that no one will ever want me, so instead of thinking that I deserve the best guy possible, I get with the first guy that calls me pretty.

I want to be treated like a princess. I do. I want the guy to make me feel good about myself, but only in a way that I deserve to be treated. With respect and kindness. With actions that speak louder than words. Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm really sick of men. :(

I've never wanted anyone like this

It's crazy

I like him so much

I can't bear to let him go

I don't even know what or how he feels.

I want to go back in time.

I wish I never told Lauren or Molly about the incident.

I wish I talked it out with him first.

Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.

I obviously haven't been here for a while. So much for a constant update of my life in the UK. 

So far, UK has been pretty wow. Well, the country has been pretty 'eh'. It has its moments. My life here has been pretty awesome though. I've made really awesome friends and everything.

The reason I'm here right now is obviously one of little positivity. I rarely feel the need to pen my happiness down because I tend to express it freely and openly. On the other hand, my sadness, when too overwhelming, tends to engulf me to the point that I feel like I need to let it out somewhere or stew in my depression for a while.

And so, in case it isn't as yet obvious for those reading this, I am completely and utterly depressed. I feel like the shit that the shit shits out and had been rolled over with a steam roller and then smashed with a jackhammer.

I feel like the smallest person in the world. An idiot that I've only read about in books and movies and have always scoffed at for being idiots. And right now, I'm the moron. The stupid fool that gave the most precious thing to someone who obviously didn't appreciate it as much as she thought he would.

I feel like I was blinded too much by the dazzle and zazzle and stars and failed to see reason. And now it's too late. 

And it doesn't help that I think I'm PMSing now.

FUCK THIS.

These streets will make you feel brand new

Okay.. Where do I begin..

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Rome was fantastic, but I'll probably blog about it some other time. Wifi has been a little hard to get. And I've finally managed to set up the internet in my room, so here I am!

Anyway, I'm extremely tired. Spent the day out with Elaina. Met a new friend from UCLA, a couple of my other flatmates, and a few others from the neighbouring flat.

So far, my flatmates are pretty lovely. There's Molly and Ben, native Mancunians. Nora, a Norwegian. And Dan, who's from England too, though I'm not too sure which part.

They're all rather nice.

Anyway, as I sit in my room, I can't help but feel quite homesick. I think it just hit me that I'll be on my own for the next year. No mummy or daddy to turn to.

I know that I've been complaining about them, but in the end, I do miss them a lot...

Hopefully I'll feel better after a bit...

I want to break free-

I’m typing this down on Microsoft Word and then posting this on another day because my hotel’s wi-fi has decided to act up and not work.

Anyway, I’m horribly tired. My parents and I decided to catch the evening show of ‘We will rock you’ and I’ve just arrived back at the hotel. I’m also a little pissed off cuz’ dad was so ‘kiasu’, he just HAD to leave right after the musical had ended. And apparently, the audience started shouting for an encore, and I heard ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ playing as I left the theatre… and I swear, my heart literally broke then.

Overall, it was a good day. But as usual, my parents always manage to damper it with all their nonsense. No bloody surprise there, really. I’m already getting sick of being the ‘control’ in their little ‘tug-of-war’. I feel like if I have to tolerate more of this, I’m gonna just beg to move into my dorm MUCH earlier.

One example of the little ‘games’ they play: My mum tends to walk really fast. And my dad isn’t what you’d describe as the fittest. And I’m ALWAYS fucking stuck in the middle, making sure my mum doesn’t wander off too far and my dad can keep up. Like the bloody fucking parent.

Also, my mum tends to act like an auntie. Also, no big deal. And then my dad complains about her, then my mum complains about him, and then, my dad complains about EVERYTHING. And I just think ‘okay. Only a week left.’

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents more than life itself; can’t imagine a life without either of them… But when it comes to family time, I ALWAYS stick to one favourite phrase of mine: ‘Quality before Quantity’.

And we’ve had TOO much quantity thus far. And I’m about to ‘quantity’ their asses back to Singapore before I completely forget reasons why I should miss them.

Alright. That’s pretty much been my day. Beside the whole tourist-going-sight-seeing thing and all that.

Right. And also. We went to Madame Tussauds’ today. And I realize that I will never ever ever ever EVER ever be okay with going through haunted houses. Because it seems too real and I have too much of an imagination. And most importantly, I’m too much of a coward. Okay?

Lots of love! <3

It was dark, and I was over.

I love free wireless in hotel rooms. Well, I love technology in general cuz' it's only then that I can keep track of all my friends at home AND update them on my happenings.

Today, the folks and I made our way to London! We took the train from Manchester to the London Euston station.

Our London hotel is right next to King's Cross Station! I really did have half a mind to grab a trolley and ram it into the pillar between platforms 9 and 10.

We took the tube down to Liverpool street and walked through Petticoat Lane, a flea market. Saw many brilliant things, couldn't buy much cuz' of luggage space (THE BLOODY BANE OF THIS HOLIDAY, I SWEAR.) but I *did* get a new leather jacket! It's really bulky and thick though which inevitably means LESS shopping. :'(

Then we walked to Covent Garden from Holborn Station. It's this quaint little piazza area where they sell the odd thing here and there. The street theatre is REALLY great! I really do wish that my mac could read my camera and I could show you all the wonderful pictures that I've taken. There are magicians, sword-jugglers, stunt people doing really dangerous stuff..

After that, we walked around West End! It being Sunday though, all the theatres were closed. Which didn't bode well for me since I REALLY wanted to catch a musical. Or play. OR ANYTHING. I can't even decide what to watch first! Wicked? We will rock you? Les Mis? I went crazy just STARING at the posters longingly. (I swear, *little* drool came out.)

Finished our little tour of London's downtown with Piccadilly Circus and Ripley's Believe it or not! We didn't actually go for the museum tour. I wanted to, but tickets are a little pricey and I do rather go with my friends. So I told my parents that I'd just go on my own.

Honestly, today was a pretty good day! The only thing that kinda spoilt it (as it had for the past few days) was the constant bickering between dear ol' ma and pa.

I love them. I do. But they tend to say stupid, stupid things that make me go 'Fuck. It's gonna start.' And of course, it does.

It makes me pissed off that they can't shut it up for two weeks. And that they don't realise that they won't be seeing me for a year and I wouldn't want my last physical memory of them to be them fighting over the hotel room states, or food, or anything else.

I mean, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, I'll still dearly miss them. Let's just pray that they'll realise how much more they need each other than they think they actually do.

We're going to Madame Tussauds' tomorrow! Hopefully, it'll be fun and I won't freak out too much in the horror section like I did when I was 6. (I may have even cried then..)

Till then, loves! Tah tah!

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough

Gosh. It's so annoying how my parents and I are still under the spell known as 'Jet lag'.

We're already back at the apartment cuz' all of us are too tired to do anything else.

I get really hungry at 6/7am (about 1/2pm SG time) and 12/1pm (about 7/8pm SG time) and by 3/4pm, I'm already dying of tiredness.

So we all decided to just nua at home.

Completely in love with the shopping choices here though. I have my eye set on some choices at M&S, Dorothy Perkins and Next. Of course, because we're going to Rome and London, I can't exactly buy anything yet. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from buying a little bit here and there.. I blame my chronic shoppaholic disease.

Anyway, it's always nice to just chill at home.

Until next time! X)

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives

Yesterday marked the second day of my life in Europe.

And I'm glad to say, I'm starting to fall in love with the city of Manchester. I just love the tall, cobbled buildings that are scattered all around, the nice people we met in different places, the shopping, and food, and- You get the drift.

We visited my hall yesterday, and it was actually pretty awesome. It does take about 10-15 mins to reach the law building (which is next to the main building of the campus.) but the security is good, the amenities are great, and my dorm advisor is this really lovely lady called 'Ged'.

And my room is just next to the kitchen, so that's pretty awesome!

After that, the family and I went to Old Trafford to visit the home of Man Utd.

To see the huge-ass stadium that most only get to see on TV is so amazing. We didn't get to see any players (it wasn't match day) though, but it was still a wonderful experience.

Anyway, I unfortunately can't post any pictures right now. My camera can't connect to my mac, only to my HP which is packed-up, so I can only upload all my photos when I get settled in my dorm.

It's currently 750 in the morning on Saturday. I'll probably be doing more exploring and sight-seeing today.

See you folks later!