Sometimes we fall, can't get back up.

As I sit in front of my computer, I look around, and all I see is a mess. Messy table, messy bed, messy room. In a way, it complements my life as it is right now.

Messy.

Well, I suppose, everyone's life is messy in one way or another.

I should be glad though that although my life seems to be a bulk of tangled string after tangled string, I can see light poring through from the other side of the clump.

Last week, I found God again. And every time I think of that moment, I want to cry. Somewhat because I'm glad I have Him in my life again, somewhat because I just can't believe how far I've faltered.

I was redesigning my blog (mostly as a distraction piece. instead of doing actual studying...) and I read the piece I wrote last week.

It's true, you know. I've probably changed a little. Everyone changes. Of course, what I went through wasn't really a change.. more of a falling off the deep end. Thankfully though, although said deep end was indeed 'deep', it wasn't deep enough that the Lord could not drag me out of there.

The task now, of course, is to try and maintain that hold onto God. I know he's there trying to hold on to me too. But somehow I find it too easy to push him away...

Right now.... I don't know. I suppose it's hard to feel happy when I've got so many thoughts on my mind... Things I need to resolve...

I guess I'm just trying to keep myself above the surface... Listening to 'old classics' by Westlife and designing little covers here and there... Trying to repeat to myself that God loves me and that I'm a wonderful creation of his...

It's weird though... Usually after a camp or a retreat, my 'God-high' lasts for at least a week or two... Is it because I'm getting old? Or maybe because it used to be more accessible to go back to the location of where I found peace? (i.e. my church in Singapore.)

Whatever it is... I find it a bit harder to hold onto that peace and comfort I found during the Easter Triduum. I just have to keep praying and praying, I suppose.

After all, there is a lot of power in prayer.

And also, I remember just how much God loves me now.

So, hopefully, it'll be an easier road ahead.

I've got a ticket to anywhere

I don't really know who I am anymore.

I don't know if England has changed me... Or maybe I was always like this; I just needed the push.

I never thought I was this sort of person.

Apparently, I am.

I still think of him, you know. (Btw, when I say 'you', I probably am talking to my future self.. Or whoever chances upon this blog and bothers reading.)

But somehow it's not that I miss him... I think of him and I compare him with.. the other him. (Let's call him A for sanity's sake.)

I haven't physically met A yet. We've skyped once. We text a lot. He has issues. Well, to be honest, he's a lot like.. D.

Which scares me because I don't want a repeat, obviously. But I can't stop texting him (A). It's like I have this innate urge to want to hug the helpless. Which was what caused me to get with D in the first place. He (D) seemed so lost... so full of trouble.. And then he said he met me and his life seemed to be turning round.

Yes, I'm not stupid. (I think.) I did know that he had a LOT of issues. I mean.. his history was something out of one of those Oprah or Jeremy Kyle shows that make you wonder how people could even live like that.

So how could I leave him? And make him drown in more despair? Of course, in the end, he was the one to cut my heart out and shred it into pieces, so you know.. it worked out for me, I suppose. (Cuz' I didn't have to be the one to do it.)

Am I doing the same to A? He has a lot of issues.. But he says he's so happy every time he talks to me. And he smiles so sweetly, it makes me want to hug him.

Is this who I am? So incapable of loving myself that I need others to need me more than I think I'm worth. Pei Shan was right. I don't have self-acceptance. But how do I go about getting that?

My whole life, I was always cast in the shadows. No one really needed me. No one thought I was worth loving. I mean, the only love I got was... 'yeah, she'll always be there' love. The sort of love you give out because you know it's safe to give out. I never had someone love me even though it was a risk.

My whole life, I was never the pretty one, the skinny one. I was pleasant. bubbly. cute. outgoing. happy-go-lucky. People liked me because it seemed like I was so comfortable being who I was. No one realised the pain I went through being the 'funny one'. Or the 'smart one'. The one that solved problems and was happy enough listening to others' problems and issues. Always there. That's me.

And then I come here, and suddenly guys find me irresistible. Attractive. They stare at me, they tell me I'm pretty, beautiful even. They think my intelligence beyond the level of 'useful'.

Is it a wonder I really ended up where I am now? Loathing myself at every step.. Wondering what the fuck happened to the sweet, bubbly girl who couldn't even bring herself to mouth a swear word. (Yes, a paradox at its best.)

I don't really know what's happening to me. I know what I have to do, I suppose, but... I don't know.

I need you, God. I'm sorry I'm such a horrible Christian. If 15-year-old me saw what I would've become, she would run screaming. Or maybe.. not?

See? I don't know who I am. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

I claim to be a Catholic. But I'm compromising my values left and right just so it suits my situation. I claim to be intelligent. But I'm making choices that would have teenagers laugh at me because even THEY wouldn't be THAT stupid. I claim to think I'm pretty.... I do think I'm pretty sometimes. Other times, I feel like I should just wear a mask.

I don't think any of my friends really think I'm pretty. To them, I'm funny, joyful, a laugh to be with, smart, annoying, etc.

None of them think I'm pretty. I'm sure my family thinks I'm pretty because they have to. So at the end of the day... the people I'm closest to don't think I'm beautiful. So... if I suddenly find myself holding the attention of a few guys... What the fuck did you think I was fucking going to do? Ignore them?

Urgh. I hope I get answers this week. I pray I do...

I didn't go for Palm Sunday mass. Completely forgot it was Palm Sunday... It'll probably be a huge-ass miracle if I go to heaven because I am SOOOO not worth it.

This is a part of me that you will never ever take away from me.

I think there's something perpetually wrong with me.

I only seem interested in white men. Men that, somehow, were born to be even more horny than any chinese guy I know. Or at least, more open about their horniness.

2 white guys I've dated. One, virtual. And I went to open one of his emails today. And I remember why I got into a 'relationship' with him. Because he was essentially a smooth-talker. (Well, obviously. We had no other means of connection..)

The other one? Not a smooth-talker, really. In fact, he got a bit awkward at times. But he was a fucking liar. Said all these things.. How I was so beautiful, so intelligent. How I was a million things better than his ex. Said all these things. Said he would treat me like a princess. Of course, when it came down to it, nothing he said mattered.

And I'm left to wonder about what that means for me.

Left to deal with the consequences of me making all these great choices in my life. My love life is so screwed up. But somehow, I'm still only attracted to white men. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Maybe it's because of my size. I'm a bigger girl. A lot bigger than the average asian. But somewhat average when compared to the brits here. Maybe I feel that white guys will accept me better.

I don't think I have a lot of respect for myself then. I'm afraid that if I say no to a guy that shows interest, I'll never end up with anyone. I'm afraid of being alone. Forever.

So yeah. That's it. That's the huge story of my life. I keep fucking things up in my love life because I have no respect for myself. I think that no one will ever want me, so instead of thinking that I deserve the best guy possible, I get with the first guy that calls me pretty.

I want to be treated like a princess. I do. I want the guy to make me feel good about myself, but only in a way that I deserve to be treated. With respect and kindness. With actions that speak louder than words. Is that really too much to ask for?

I'm really sick of men. :(

I've never wanted anyone like this

It's crazy

I like him so much

I can't bear to let him go

I don't even know what or how he feels.

I want to go back in time.

I wish I never told Lauren or Molly about the incident.

I wish I talked it out with him first.

Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.

I obviously haven't been here for a while. So much for a constant update of my life in the UK. 

So far, UK has been pretty wow. Well, the country has been pretty 'eh'. It has its moments. My life here has been pretty awesome though. I've made really awesome friends and everything.

The reason I'm here right now is obviously one of little positivity. I rarely feel the need to pen my happiness down because I tend to express it freely and openly. On the other hand, my sadness, when too overwhelming, tends to engulf me to the point that I feel like I need to let it out somewhere or stew in my depression for a while.

And so, in case it isn't as yet obvious for those reading this, I am completely and utterly depressed. I feel like the shit that the shit shits out and had been rolled over with a steam roller and then smashed with a jackhammer.

I feel like the smallest person in the world. An idiot that I've only read about in books and movies and have always scoffed at for being idiots. And right now, I'm the moron. The stupid fool that gave the most precious thing to someone who obviously didn't appreciate it as much as she thought he would.

I feel like I was blinded too much by the dazzle and zazzle and stars and failed to see reason. And now it's too late. 

And it doesn't help that I think I'm PMSing now.

FUCK THIS.

These streets will make you feel brand new

Okay.. Where do I begin..

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Rome was fantastic, but I'll probably blog about it some other time. Wifi has been a little hard to get. And I've finally managed to set up the internet in my room, so here I am!

Anyway, I'm extremely tired. Spent the day out with Elaina. Met a new friend from UCLA, a couple of my other flatmates, and a few others from the neighbouring flat.

So far, my flatmates are pretty lovely. There's Molly and Ben, native Mancunians. Nora, a Norwegian. And Dan, who's from England too, though I'm not too sure which part.

They're all rather nice.

Anyway, as I sit in my room, I can't help but feel quite homesick. I think it just hit me that I'll be on my own for the next year. No mummy or daddy to turn to.

I know that I've been complaining about them, but in the end, I do miss them a lot...

Hopefully I'll feel better after a bit...

I want to break free-

I’m typing this down on Microsoft Word and then posting this on another day because my hotel’s wi-fi has decided to act up and not work.

Anyway, I’m horribly tired. My parents and I decided to catch the evening show of ‘We will rock you’ and I’ve just arrived back at the hotel. I’m also a little pissed off cuz’ dad was so ‘kiasu’, he just HAD to leave right after the musical had ended. And apparently, the audience started shouting for an encore, and I heard ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ playing as I left the theatre… and I swear, my heart literally broke then.

Overall, it was a good day. But as usual, my parents always manage to damper it with all their nonsense. No bloody surprise there, really. I’m already getting sick of being the ‘control’ in their little ‘tug-of-war’. I feel like if I have to tolerate more of this, I’m gonna just beg to move into my dorm MUCH earlier.

One example of the little ‘games’ they play: My mum tends to walk really fast. And my dad isn’t what you’d describe as the fittest. And I’m ALWAYS fucking stuck in the middle, making sure my mum doesn’t wander off too far and my dad can keep up. Like the bloody fucking parent.

Also, my mum tends to act like an auntie. Also, no big deal. And then my dad complains about her, then my mum complains about him, and then, my dad complains about EVERYTHING. And I just think ‘okay. Only a week left.’

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents more than life itself; can’t imagine a life without either of them… But when it comes to family time, I ALWAYS stick to one favourite phrase of mine: ‘Quality before Quantity’.

And we’ve had TOO much quantity thus far. And I’m about to ‘quantity’ their asses back to Singapore before I completely forget reasons why I should miss them.

Alright. That’s pretty much been my day. Beside the whole tourist-going-sight-seeing thing and all that.

Right. And also. We went to Madame Tussauds’ today. And I realize that I will never ever ever ever EVER ever be okay with going through haunted houses. Because it seems too real and I have too much of an imagination. And most importantly, I’m too much of a coward. Okay?

Lots of love! <3

It was dark, and I was over.

I love free wireless in hotel rooms. Well, I love technology in general cuz' it's only then that I can keep track of all my friends at home AND update them on my happenings.

Today, the folks and I made our way to London! We took the train from Manchester to the London Euston station.

Our London hotel is right next to King's Cross Station! I really did have half a mind to grab a trolley and ram it into the pillar between platforms 9 and 10.

We took the tube down to Liverpool street and walked through Petticoat Lane, a flea market. Saw many brilliant things, couldn't buy much cuz' of luggage space (THE BLOODY BANE OF THIS HOLIDAY, I SWEAR.) but I *did* get a new leather jacket! It's really bulky and thick though which inevitably means LESS shopping. :'(

Then we walked to Covent Garden from Holborn Station. It's this quaint little piazza area where they sell the odd thing here and there. The street theatre is REALLY great! I really do wish that my mac could read my camera and I could show you all the wonderful pictures that I've taken. There are magicians, sword-jugglers, stunt people doing really dangerous stuff..

After that, we walked around West End! It being Sunday though, all the theatres were closed. Which didn't bode well for me since I REALLY wanted to catch a musical. Or play. OR ANYTHING. I can't even decide what to watch first! Wicked? We will rock you? Les Mis? I went crazy just STARING at the posters longingly. (I swear, *little* drool came out.)

Finished our little tour of London's downtown with Piccadilly Circus and Ripley's Believe it or not! We didn't actually go for the museum tour. I wanted to, but tickets are a little pricey and I do rather go with my friends. So I told my parents that I'd just go on my own.

Honestly, today was a pretty good day! The only thing that kinda spoilt it (as it had for the past few days) was the constant bickering between dear ol' ma and pa.

I love them. I do. But they tend to say stupid, stupid things that make me go 'Fuck. It's gonna start.' And of course, it does.

It makes me pissed off that they can't shut it up for two weeks. And that they don't realise that they won't be seeing me for a year and I wouldn't want my last physical memory of them to be them fighting over the hotel room states, or food, or anything else.

I mean, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, I'll still dearly miss them. Let's just pray that they'll realise how much more they need each other than they think they actually do.

We're going to Madame Tussauds' tomorrow! Hopefully, it'll be fun and I won't freak out too much in the horror section like I did when I was 6. (I may have even cried then..)

Till then, loves! Tah tah!

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough

Gosh. It's so annoying how my parents and I are still under the spell known as 'Jet lag'.

We're already back at the apartment cuz' all of us are too tired to do anything else.

I get really hungry at 6/7am (about 1/2pm SG time) and 12/1pm (about 7/8pm SG time) and by 3/4pm, I'm already dying of tiredness.

So we all decided to just nua at home.

Completely in love with the shopping choices here though. I have my eye set on some choices at M&S, Dorothy Perkins and Next. Of course, because we're going to Rome and London, I can't exactly buy anything yet. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from buying a little bit here and there.. I blame my chronic shoppaholic disease.

Anyway, it's always nice to just chill at home.

Until next time! X)

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives

Yesterday marked the second day of my life in Europe.

And I'm glad to say, I'm starting to fall in love with the city of Manchester. I just love the tall, cobbled buildings that are scattered all around, the nice people we met in different places, the shopping, and food, and- You get the drift.

We visited my hall yesterday, and it was actually pretty awesome. It does take about 10-15 mins to reach the law building (which is next to the main building of the campus.) but the security is good, the amenities are great, and my dorm advisor is this really lovely lady called 'Ged'.

And my room is just next to the kitchen, so that's pretty awesome!

After that, the family and I went to Old Trafford to visit the home of Man Utd.

To see the huge-ass stadium that most only get to see on TV is so amazing. We didn't get to see any players (it wasn't match day) though, but it was still a wonderful experience.

Anyway, I unfortunately can't post any pictures right now. My camera can't connect to my mac, only to my HP which is packed-up, so I can only upload all my photos when I get settled in my dorm.

It's currently 750 in the morning on Saturday. I'll probably be doing more exploring and sight-seeing today.

See you folks later!

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?

Okay. I'm extremely tired and jet-lagged, but I'll see what I can do..

I'll be honest. The flight completely tuckered me out. And when we reached Manchester, we found out that our apartment wasn't ready until at least 1pm. (And it was only 9am when we had arrived.)

So we had to WALK to the bank and then go to the University to get my registration done and pay the school fees.

Which, in my dead-tired state, was nothing short of ARE-YOU-FREAKING-KIDDING-ME?!?

And so, truth to be told, I started to get homesick not ONE hour after we had arrived. For a bit, I felt so lost in the kinda-big city and it just seemed like everyone KNEW we were tourists since we don't exactly look like we come from England. And I was grabbing my bag really tightly since my mother had given me quite a bit of money to deposit.

Yup, I started regretting my decision to study here. Even to the point where I started wondering what my parents would say if I told them NOW that I wanted to take a gap year.

Somehow though, the city grew on me a little. Met a couple of nice people here and there, and WOW.. I saw the Catholic Church. It's AMAZING. It looks so ancient and wonderfully built, with its cobble-stoned walls, towering roofs, and stained-glass windows.

Even though I AM still horribly tired, I still wanna say that I really am looking forward to studying here. And hopefully, when I'm not as jet-lagged and better-rested tomorrow, I'll start to love the city more.

Will update more soon! <3

So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways

I'm blogging because I haven't felt this way in a while and I really do hope the feeling lasts.

Okay lah. It's way too early to say anything lah. He could just be one of those overly-friendly sorts.

Well, at least I know I have options when I reach the UK.

And also, I hope to be rid of this... incessant problem..

It's not like I wanna be mean and bitchy.. (Or maybe it IS part of my nature..) It's just that.. I obviously don't want to go down that particular path. And I have NO intentions of even facing in that direction.

I hope my problem does realize it IS a problem and just leaves. Then everything will be fine! :)

Anyway, I'm still in my excited-to-leave phase. Let's see how long it takes for it to turn into the I-don't-wanna-leave-everyone phase.