You can't escape my private eyes

Okay. I'm not normally a bitch. So I really do feel bad. For the repercussions of my actions. I apologise.
I also need to say... I do forgive you, but you don't have my trust anymore. I'm sorry. It's too crazy for me, so while I wanna remain friends with you, you gotta earn my trust.

Okay. I'm sorry. I tried. I thought I could do it. I can't. It would be better if we don't speak. Yup. Until I decide you deserve to direct words to me.

(Edited on 06.08.2010)
On another note, I missed hanging out with Azzy and Kenny. (HAHAHA. I'm so gonna call him Kenny to annoy him.)

They shop like GIRLS. Except they have NO clue what to buy. Gosh.

And they haven't stopped being annoying. Which is endearing because they can get really stupid and crazy and it's fun, whether or not I ever admit it to them.

Silly boys. HAHA. Them and their weefies.

The topic of the day was 'Everything you do changes your life.'

They would scream, 'STOP STEPH. DOING THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!' at random intervals.

And they wanted to publish a book on it. And win the Nobel Prize with the one million dollars.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that they already have a book on it. Books, actually. It's called the 'butterfly effect' and basically encompassed all they mentioned.

But I didn't dare ruin their fun.

Oh god. Tomorrow's gonna be a nightmare.

Honesty is what you need

Okay. I wrote quite a bit... apparently blogger decided to be a little annoying.

No matter. This isn't really a angsty, kill-me-now post.

But let me start with something simple, if just to let this post run smoothly..

I told my class girls about my eye candy. And of course, because they are so cute and weird all at once, they giggle every time he passes by now.

Or tug on my shirt relentlessly. Or whack me on the arm, making odd noises. Or raise an eyebrow and give a wry grin.

I really do love their antics, no matter how annoying they can get. They are really sweet, which is the bottom line so we'll leave it at that.

Anyway, I got myself out of my misery. So that means I no longer am able to use this handy laptop I do love and hate at the same time. And I'm really cool with that! Only, that also means I no longer will be blogging. Much, if at all, really.

So yes, if I'm not in Durham, Warwick or Southampton next year, I probably got into NUS law and decided for some reason to stay in singapore. Or I decided to change career courses. Or I got eaten by a hungry gorilla carrying flame torches.

And I would like to thank my readers (Any ones left? No? That's really odd...) for their time in scanning through what would be a few years worth of nonsense and 'OMG KILL ME NOW' crap. :)

This is a video from 'How I Met Your Mother'. It is an awesome show, watch it. In this video, Barney Stinson explains to the rest that you have to wait 3 days before asking a girl out because Jesus said so. It's hilarious.

I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down.

I wanted to blog last night after Mark's wedding. But the internet in my room went on the fritz, so you know, I couldn't/didn't/felt like kicking something.

Last night was awesome. As with all weddings in my family, I get to spend it dressed up and catching up with my lovely 'cousins', Bernadette (we call her Bernie or Bern'), Marissa (M'rissa), Vanessa (Been calling her 'Vaness' since she was a tyke) and Mark (He's a smaller version of the Mark that got married. Really. They were both nightmares as kids and the small one's growing up to be a strapping young man just like the older one.)

I am extremely close to them, seeing as to how the rest of my cousins have an average age of almost 30. Oh right. And I call them my 'cousins' because technically, we aren't related by blood in any way, but our families are super close and any form of romance developing between both would seem like incest. Even though it's lawfully not. HAHA.

So I love hanging out with them. Catching up about our current 'predicaments' and talking about other family members (gossiping more like) and everything else. And at every wedding where we all present together (meaning, mostly my family's weddings), we will dance and dance and dance and feel like popstars.

It's a tradition that we started when we were young. It started with the oldest, Bernie, Marissa and myself grooving to my brother's old hi-fi set (Same one that's in my room currently) and making up crazy moves to 'That Thing You Do' by The Wonders. (That's why it's still one of my favourites up till today) It moved on to classics like the Macarena. After a while, we would pass on the dance moves to the younger ones. (Although I'm pretty sure we didn't do that till we were much older. Were quite selfish and 'exclusive' as kids.)

Anyway, to cut the story short, I was really happy last night. Knowing that I'll always have these people in my lives is a huge blessing. And that we can party our socks off is amazing. One day, I'll invite them to go clubbing. :)

How's this for a fluff piece?  :D

I just need a shoulder to cry on...

... So how come I can't even get that as a luxury?

It's not fair how just because you are able to, you can shout your way to the high heavens.

And all I want is to be comforted.

I comfort everyone else... Why can't someone comfort me?

Is there something we are waiting for?

I haven't touched my blog for a long while. The reasons vary, none of them important. I don't know why I decided to reopen this transparent vault that has dutifully shown every single drop of emotion I display.

Let's start with the quite-popular '1 Litre of Tears'. It was formally introduced to me by dear Anne while we were still in Secondary School. However, I was never much of a Japanese pop culture kind of person, much less one that indulged in shows that leaked you of your body's natural liquid.

Let's skip to the part where I 'stole' almost everything from Alex's HDD. My curiosity piqued at the familiar-sounding title and I immediately asked Alex about the show. He warned me about the imminent bout of tears that would fall; I cared not to listen. I rarely cried at movies, save Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook, so why not just take a gander?

Now, we shall pause at that particular scene and I will bring you to the start of my week. I set my alarm at 7am and woke up at 930 instead. So what, you shrug in nonchalance, it's the bloody holidays and you wake up a little past the usual. No big deal. Yeah, it WAS no big deal. Except I wasted the whole day not studying because 'I didn't feel like it'. Okay fine. It's one day. I shouldn't get so worked up over it, right?

Only, this disgusting feeling lasted until Wednesday. Three days of not touching a book. Some of you may be gasping in pure disbelief right now. 'WHAT! NOOOO...' Yes, my mid-terms are fast approaching, and I'm not buried five feet deep in books served only to push my grades to an acceptable above-average?

I honestly don't know how to answer any of those. Really. I could give you a really good reason if I wanted to. 'I was feeling rather sick. Really couldn't do much.' But that would be pathetic. Period. The truth was, I was about to slowly sink into pseudo-depression. Slowly, but surely. I would mope about the house, a constant naggy 'C'MON! STUDY, YOU LAZY SHIT!' rang in my ear again and again. It didn't help, of course. My mind is like both mother and child. It screams 'Get out your math!' and then groans with a 'Okaaaay... Just let me play one game of tap tap.' And of course, stuck with my slow sink into mope-town, the child gets a landslide win.

So today, after an embarrassing two hours of tuition where I managed to prove to my teacher that I was giving him $440 a month for nothing, I decided to 'hit the books' (mother said) 'after one or two episodes of '1 litre of tears' '(the child bargained).

Of course, the pseudo-depression still kicking in, and the child still having a strong grip on his win, I ended up finishing everything. (If you didn't realise, I unpaused the scene from five paragraphs ago.)

It turned out to be one of the best choices I made this week. The story is amazing. Simple and easy to follow, and yet, it grips your heart and doesn't let go. Not even 3 hours after finishing the last 5 minutes. The emotions displayed are so real. Sometimes relatable, sometimes sympathy-inducing. I literally spilled one litre of tears watching the entire thing.

Okay. And here's the part where my blatant advertisement for the movie and my mope-y week link...

I realise how lucky I am to be able to get depressed over a couple of stupid papers. Papers that I would never again have to see in my life after this year. (Unless I become a teacher, God forbid.) There are always people worse off than you. No matter what situation you find yourself unable to claw your way out of. You may be the world's most lazy ass. So what.

And another thing, I keep forgetting how incredibly gifted I am. No, I am not being an arrogant shit. Heck, everyone is incredibly gifted. No shit. But we all forget. We lift our weaknesses to a god-like status, on the other hand and point it out to everyone else who cares enough to listen.

'I'm fat.' So what? You are an awesome friend, so many people care for you it should be a sin, and you are pretty smart when you bother to apply yourself. Why harp on one bad thing when God's pratctically screaming 'LOOK HERE! GIFT! GIFT!'?

I still don't know the reason for my pseudo-depression. Really, I don't. Maybe the time of the month is fast approaching. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I need to keep reminding myself that my life is not my own. You may think that you get to decide whatever it is you want in life. You learn that it's true only to an extremely small extent. You get to decide how much you wanna study, doesn't mean you decide what grades you get. (Yes, teachers blurt that in your face, but do you really think that's true?)

So, yes. I don't know how much of that anyone understood. Hell, I don't even know if I understand all of it. Call it a good rant at worse. Happy studying for those stuck in the phase called the 'Advanced Levels'. Happy holidays for the rest. If you belong to neither group, oops.

I'm going to study now. After a quick session of Facebook. Promise!

This world will never be what I expected.

Okay. So here's the main scoop. I got a new phone, and the Internet is completely impossible to use over there. Or maybe I'm too used to the capabilities of my very reliable itouch. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats my old broken down phone, so I ain't complaining.

Right. Onto the subject proper. I keep having the same disgusting feeling. Again and again. And it's so gross. And yet I can't get rid of it. It's like a disease. It's so disgusting. It's turned me into a person I don't like. A person that can never look her Lord in the eye again.

I feel like I'm slowly slipping away from my faith. The funny thing is that it's so slow, I can barely feel it. And yet, I know. I don't have that oomph feeling I get when I talk about Him now. I just get a sad little hurrah that barely makes it out of my lips in one sound.

I know he'll forgive me for the things I've done, but then again, I don't feel like I should be forgiven. I feel like him forgiving me would be wayyy too easy for Him to do it. And yet I know I can't go on without him. That I'll probably need to go running to him soon... Like now, for instance.

The Lord is super disappointed in me. That much I know. I feel like such a failure.

Right now, I don't have anymore motivation. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, not knowing where it'll swing to, when it'll break...

It's such a sad sad day when u know that all you have going for you... Is nothing.

and all it takes is just a simple action.

it's annoying when the things u do backfire in ur face.

Only sometimes u feel like it doesn't matter anymore and u wanna give up.

Only sometimes does it seem like nothing u do works anymore.

Anyway, it'll be a while and then i never have to interact with her again. That's my heaven. Haha. Pathetic, isn't it?

Full of memories, of people and places.

I went for my brother's concert yesterday. For something that seemed to be so 'whatever' in my world today, I was awestruck by how much the entire thing made me feel so alive again. It wasn't really just cuz my brother got to play 4 solos...

It stemmed from the fact that I love band, I love music, and I always will. It also struck me how much the people you play with matters. You could be the number one player in the whole world and you'd still hate band if there weren't the right enough conditions.

Which is probably why I feel so detached from band right now. I feel like playing in TJ's band has turned me into someone who seems to abhor the idea of good music. And all it took was a wonderful performance by the St Patrick's Alumni band.

I wish TKGS had an alumni band. I would be the first to sign up.. Actually, I was thinking.. I may start it myself if no one's gonna do it. Just to take the initiative.

It's so sad though.. If you think about it... My experience in TJ's band would have been much better if certain things changed. Such a pity since I really do love playing so much.

Oh well, sometimes, life is unfair. You just gotta keep smiling and moving on.

So many words all left unspoken.

The irony is that I did so much better in subjects that I was previously weak in. The funny thing is that I didn't just do BADLY for the subjects I used to score in, I FAILED them. Now how's that for funny ha ha?

The irony is that I haven't been online in a very long time. The funny thing is that because of my itouch, I've been surfing the web a lot.

If I don't do anything about my grades, I am so screwed.

The Poisson Distribution

Okay. I have 7 months to get my A..

And I DID improve a bit...

Always look on the bright side of life.



:))))))))))))))))))))

So don't look back in anger

How to go Law with GP results so horrid?

GARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

how pathetic. :(

No time is a good time for goodbye.

Well, it being Good Friday, you'd expect something good to happen. Or, at the very least, something normal.

Every year it's the same thing. I go to church in the morning, afternoon is spent napping or watching TV, just spending time with my family while trying not to let my hunger get to me, evening is the procession at St Joseph's and dinner is Nasi Lemak, long awaited after a whole day of nothing much.

Every year I spend my good Friday like this. Every year. So why couldn't this year be the same? Or, at least hold some sense of normalcy?

The first thing that made me realise things were different: My maid cooked sunny-side ups instead of the usual omelette that goes with nasi lemak. Okay, sure, to you people, it's a small stupid insignificant thing. But I was pretty miffed because it was one tradition gone. I didn't say anything though, cuz' I figured my dad was the one who told her to cook it that way.

The second thing was 3 people from my family attending the procession. Normally, almost my WHOLE family goes for the procession. This year was a dismal three people. THREE. Me, my aunt and uncle. It was so disappointing. My parents were part of the procession this year, so they went off to church real early. I went there on my own, spent 2 hours standing for waiting for my favourite part: Seeing the altar boys carry Jesus down from the cross and onto a makeshift bed. But I couldn't concentrate on it this year. Why? Well... that brings me to..

The third thing: It rained. That really made my heart do flip-flops. It NEVER rained before. And I am not making a fallacy. It's TRUE. In my almost 2 decades of going for the yearly St Joseph's procession, it NEVER rains. The rain came, and with it, an ominous feeling of things to come. I had a feeling it would rain, actually, so it didn't REALLY surprise me. Not because I watch weather patterns and the global temperature. I don't know how to explain it, though... I guess the fact that it didn't rain this year like it does every year around 3 in the afternoon kinda did it. When I felt the first droplet of rain on my candle holder, I couldn't help but feel like God was trying to say something HUGE. I really wish I knew what though... It scared me to no end.

The last thing that made good friday not-so-good was AFTER I went home. (On my own, again) I came out of the bathroom and was met with the always pleasant tension that signified my parents were fighting. It was horrible. I wanted to cry then. I wanted to scream out the injustice of not being able to enjoy at least a normal dinner after the not-so-normal day. It was not fair! Dinner was mostly stony silence. I was so tempted to turn on the tv just so it wouldn't be so tense. But I knew my father's wrath well. Well enough, at least. After dinner, I appeased my father by talking to him about their fight and cleared some stuff up. (Apparently, as it is with EVERY OTHER fight, it was a mere misunderstanding.) And then, I went to comfort my sorrow-stricken mother, upset with my father's usual way of proving his manhood by shouting and scolding. I also offered both of them cake that I made.

Somehow, I don't think that this is a 'me me' thing.. I feel like this is something more... This whole thing... It wasn't horrible on purpose.... Maybe God is really angry with me? I have done some seriously horrible things the past few weeks... I don't know. Maybe it IS a 'me me' kinda thing.

I hope Easter's wayyy better. =/