As the feeling inside keeps building

Alright. I finally figured it out. I know why I've been so miserable lately.

Even though I mentioned that it probably didn't have anything to do with my schoolwork... I realize now that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Not with schoolwork per say.. More like my whole education.

I feel the pressure. And it's mounting slowly.. Slowly, slowly.. Until finally, one day, I am going to crack wide open. I'm literally the ONLY one in my entire family to have made it to a junior college. Good or bad, it doesn't matter.. I'm the ONLY one!

While I felt special the whole of two minutes when my family told me this, I realize now what that entails..

My whole family expects something out of me. My parents and my brothers are just so eager to see me enter university. Whichever university doesn't matter. They can't wait to take pictures with me wearing the motar board waving a shiny certificate in my hand.

I'm feeling the pressure even though my parents constantly assure me that they're not putting pressure on me. My dad wrote me an email saying how proud he was after I VISITED the law school open house. I mean, that's sweet and all, but WOW do I feel like I have to do something now.

Okay. I won't say it's all bad? Pressure's good sometimes. It keeps you in check, pushes you forward.. The amount I feel right now makes me want to go back. It makes me want to back out and say, "okay, that was a good try. Can I go now?"

and now I'm scared... Cuz I have all these expectations to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.. I don't know if everyone will feel disappointed if I screw up.

It's sooooooo crazy.

Have to keep breathing though and tell myself that people expect this of me because I have the potential. I can do this. I just need to keep pressing on and keep praying as hard as I can.
I need to stop procrastinating and start burrowing my nose in my books.
In the end, I'm going to be that lawyer. I'm going to go into legal pratice and hopefully not die there.

I can do it.

I think..

A man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land.

Liars
Always
Win.

That's what most people think of law as, huh.

I want to enter the NUS Faculty of Law soo badly.

But right now, as I'm sitting home, trying to recover from crazy 2 hours of tuition, I don't think I'll even qualify for the interview.

:((

FEELING DEPRESSED AGAIN.

I should install a mood indicator into my forehead. Only, this year, it'll blink red and blue like 80% of the time.

She knows it's too late to keep walking on by.

Don't know why. I feel miserable every night. The only thing keeping me happy now is seeing my school friends and talking to them about stuff.


Don't know if it's school or everything just coming together.

Anyway, I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I'm about to crack.

On that note, I'm sorry I blew up yesterday. But I won't apologised for what I said. I meant it.

You already got me coming undone. - A trip like no other.

I won't say I had fun. That is a given. And a fact. I won't go into details about what I saw, heard, smelt and touched either. That I leave to photos, because they speak a thousand words more than what is in my available vocabulary.

I still remember the words I scrawled onto the TOOP application form:

I want to experience humility and step out of my comfort zone.

Now, I won't say I have been completely humbled after one day in Indonesia. That would be ludicrous.

However, you don't just walk into a barely-sturdy shelter-for-a-school and use their hole-as-a-toilet without feeling even the slightest hint of something.

To say I am lucky to be born in Singapore where the sun shines to no end (unfortunately, in some cases..) and the opportunities smile at you would be too easy. Somehow, (and call me cliched) I feel like I should start doing something to expose myself to more of these situations.

Trust me, when I say this, I selfishly do not think of the poor people or the children. After all, what makes you think they need anymore help than they already have? Though I'm pretty sure they'll smile should I go over and 'do my part' for them, I'm thinking I'll come out of it with more benefits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, living in the comfort of my own home, with a whole room to call my own, and a good education being served to me on a plate, taking things for granted pretty much becomes a given. I get upset because I have friendship problems, or because my mum didn't get me something when she promised.

And then there are these people, so hospitable, giving whatever little they can afford to give. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And ironically, they're probably happier than I am right now.

What is worth more? Giving ten dollars out of your hundred-dollar allowance? Or the two dollars you need to survive on for the rest of the week?

In the end, we all need these trips (both the real and metaphorical ones) not to give THEM what they need, but to remind ourselves of what WE lack.

And of course, the cam-whoring doesn't hurt. :)

You've already got me coming undone

I honestly don't know why, but I feel so miserable. Oh, so miserable.

It's not PMS. I've never had it like this before.

I feel like there's nothing in my life to look forward to. That this is it. Nothing else is going to come out of it.

I've been feeling like this since last week. It's such a horrid feeling, and yet, I seem to wallow in it.

I feel so entrapped in this thing called 'life'. Like, what am I supposed to do now?

I don't see anything coming.

I have to resort to petty motivations to get myself going.

It's not working.

On a side note, I will change the colour of my page skin when I have the time. It's freaking me out.

Kiss a wookie.

This post will be a treat for my readers. I'll be posting something really cute! Which won't be a surprise anymore if you scroll down...

ANYWAY, for those who are still here and not off watching the video, I shall narrate my day in a slow and systematic way. :DDDD

Okay. I won't. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't noticed, this is self-indulgent idle chatter. ;) )

I changed my blog skin to pink. Striking, in-your-face, shit-i-don't-think-i'll-ever-read-steph's-blog-again pink. Yeah... I don't really know why and/or what came over me.. But it'll stay as pink until i feel like changing it. :)))

Which means I won't have any more visually-able readers by the end of the month or less.

Oh well.

Like my Ipod's stuck on replay

Okay. This time, let's just start with 'I don't feel anything today.'

I don't have much to blog about. The day's events are too insignificant for me to want to remember in 3 years. I don't care too. Either way.

Let's just assume that I'm slowly dipping myself into a whirlpool of depression.

I'll be gone before you can say anything.

On the bright side, I found a nice pair of headphones.

Stars shining bright above you.

Okay. I am officially mood-swingy. If you haven't noticed.

I had fun meeting Mel today after not seeing her for a while. She always manages to cheer me up as we talk rubbish and do silly things.

Like playing our duet on the rickety old piano rotting away on the third floor of TKGS.

Although it's completely and utterly out of tune, it still bears a semblance of what was and what is never to be. Again.

Upsetting as that sounds, life must move on.

I decided today that I'd rather have friends who like me as I am and not how I act.

And I'll always have my girls. They'll never fail me. :)

Head under water, now I can't breathe.

Okay. Let's start with 'I may be PMSing. Or maybe I'm really feeling so pissed off I could kill someone.'

Let's also add on to that with 'This is going to be a long post and it isn't sunshine-y and happy whoohoo. If you don't like it and/or have a problem with me, please click on the red cross at the corner of the browser and please, for GOODNESS' sake, DON'T visit my blog again. Thank you.'

So yes, if you're still here, then it means you either care enough about my problems so you want to read what I have to say. Or maybe it means you like to see me suffer because you are a ego-manical sadist who engages in schadenfreude.

Anyway, whatever the case, I don't care anymore. Okay? I don't. Really. I need to concentrate on my A'levels this year, I don't need bullshit in my life.

I don't need HORRIBLE miscommunication from people just to ruin my night and make me so frustrated I can't even focus on my schoolwork. I don't need people scrutinizing my EVERY SINGLE effing move, just WAITING for me to mess up so they can rub their disgusting hand in my face and yell, 'HAHA. KNEW IT WAS A MISTAKE.'

I don't need pity, I don't need a stupid shoulder to cry on. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I don't need drama, I don't need craziness right now because, honestly, it's getting old, sweeeeetie. Really.

You want me to say it? Okay, I'll say it. I regret it. I regret it like I regret every single damn wrong move I have ever had the misfortune of making in my short 18 years here on earth. Sometimes I regret it so much, I start wishing about 'what ifs'. The moment you do that... you are soooo..

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I come home every night just wanting to plonk my head on my pillows and sleep until morning. However, I can't do that. I can't afford to.

So PLEASE, I'm FREAKING begging you people. Stop with your nonsense. STOP with your ridiculous self-centred ways of deciding how to 'GOVERN' yourselves. I don't care what YOU do in your life. Just DON'T WRECK MINE.

I swear, I am this close to calling out names like 'asshole' and 'idiot'. But I have enough diginity left in me not to do so.

I had to stop my work to type this. Because I couldn't even concentrate on vectors.

And it's LENT.

Joy.

The time of your life

Just a regular ol' Chinese New Year.

Life is better without drama.

Never knowing if there's solid ground below.

Stop judging me you asshole.

You don't know me at all.

It's almost over.

Seeking a momentary fix

I feel quite horrible. I think it's that time of the month.

All I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there.

Have you ever felt like detachhing yourself from reality forever. Just so you didn't have to face anything ever again?

Or maybe it's just the emotions that overwhelm me because I don't have anything going for me.

On a side note, my eighteenth birthday went smashingly well, only to be spoiled when my mother proclaimed me an alcoholic for drinking a little vodka.

I went online today. Now, I'm an internet addict.

I took the bus, now the only thing I'm obsessed with is public transport.