Okay. So here's the main scoop. I got a new phone, and the Internet is completely impossible to use over there. Or maybe I'm too used to the capabilities of my very reliable itouch. Whatever the case may be, it sure beats my old broken down phone, so I ain't complaining.
Right. Onto the subject proper. I keep having the same disgusting feeling. Again and again. And it's so gross. And yet I can't get rid of it. It's like a disease. It's so disgusting. It's turned me into a person I don't like. A person that can never look her Lord in the eye again.
I feel like I'm slowly slipping away from my faith. The funny thing is that it's so slow, I can barely feel it. And yet, I know. I don't have that oomph feeling I get when I talk about Him now. I just get a sad little hurrah that barely makes it out of my lips in one sound.
I know he'll forgive me for the things I've done, but then again, I don't feel like I should be forgiven. I feel like him forgiving me would be wayyy too easy for Him to do it. And yet I know I can't go on without him. That I'll probably need to go running to him soon... Like now, for instance.
The Lord is super disappointed in me. That much I know. I feel like such a failure.
Right now, I don't have anymore motivation. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, not knowing where it'll swing to, when it'll break...
It's such a sad sad day when u know that all you have going for you... Is nothing.
This is a girl. This is her blog. That's pretty much the gist of where you are now on the internet.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
and all it takes is just a simple action.
it's annoying when the things u do backfire in ur face.
Only sometimes u feel like it doesn't matter anymore and u wanna give up.
Only sometimes does it seem like nothing u do works anymore.
Anyway, it'll be a while and then i never have to interact with her again. That's my heaven. Haha. Pathetic, isn't it?
Only sometimes u feel like it doesn't matter anymore and u wanna give up.
Only sometimes does it seem like nothing u do works anymore.
Anyway, it'll be a while and then i never have to interact with her again. That's my heaven. Haha. Pathetic, isn't it?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Full of memories, of people and places.
I went for my brother's concert yesterday. For something that seemed to be so 'whatever' in my world today, I was awestruck by how much the entire thing made me feel so alive again. It wasn't really just cuz my brother got to play 4 solos...
It stemmed from the fact that I love band, I love music, and I always will. It also struck me how much the people you play with matters. You could be the number one player in the whole world and you'd still hate band if there weren't the right enough conditions.
Which is probably why I feel so detached from band right now. I feel like playing in TJ's band has turned me into someone who seems to abhor the idea of good music. And all it took was a wonderful performance by the St Patrick's Alumni band.
I wish TKGS had an alumni band. I would be the first to sign up.. Actually, I was thinking.. I may start it myself if no one's gonna do it. Just to take the initiative.
It's so sad though.. If you think about it... My experience in TJ's band would have been much better if certain things changed. Such a pity since I really do love playing so much.
Oh well, sometimes, life is unfair. You just gotta keep smiling and moving on.
It stemmed from the fact that I love band, I love music, and I always will. It also struck me how much the people you play with matters. You could be the number one player in the whole world and you'd still hate band if there weren't the right enough conditions.
Which is probably why I feel so detached from band right now. I feel like playing in TJ's band has turned me into someone who seems to abhor the idea of good music. And all it took was a wonderful performance by the St Patrick's Alumni band.
I wish TKGS had an alumni band. I would be the first to sign up.. Actually, I was thinking.. I may start it myself if no one's gonna do it. Just to take the initiative.
It's so sad though.. If you think about it... My experience in TJ's band would have been much better if certain things changed. Such a pity since I really do love playing so much.
Oh well, sometimes, life is unfair. You just gotta keep smiling and moving on.
Friday, April 09, 2010
So many words all left unspoken.
The irony is that I did so much better in subjects that I was previously weak in. The funny thing is that I didn't just do BADLY for the subjects I used to score in, I FAILED them. Now how's that for funny ha ha?
The irony is that I haven't been online in a very long time. The funny thing is that because of my itouch, I've been surfing the web a lot.
If I don't do anything about my grades, I am so screwed.
The irony is that I haven't been online in a very long time. The funny thing is that because of my itouch, I've been surfing the web a lot.
If I don't do anything about my grades, I am so screwed.
Monday, April 05, 2010
The Poisson Distribution
Okay. I have 7 months to get my A..
And I DID improve a bit...
Always look on the bright side of life.
:))))))))))))))))))))
And I DID improve a bit...
Always look on the bright side of life.
:))))))))))))))))))))
So don't look back in anger
How to go Law with GP results so horrid?
GARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH
how pathetic. :(
GARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH
how pathetic. :(
Friday, April 02, 2010
No time is a good time for goodbye.
Well, it being Good Friday, you'd expect something good to happen. Or, at the very least, something normal.
Every year it's the same thing. I go to church in the morning, afternoon is spent napping or watching TV, just spending time with my family while trying not to let my hunger get to me, evening is the procession at St Joseph's and dinner is Nasi Lemak, long awaited after a whole day of nothing much.
Every year I spend my good Friday like this. Every year. So why couldn't this year be the same? Or, at least hold some sense of normalcy?
The first thing that made me realise things were different: My maid cooked sunny-side ups instead of the usual omelette that goes with nasi lemak. Okay, sure, to you people, it's a small stupid insignificant thing. But I was pretty miffed because it was one tradition gone. I didn't say anything though, cuz' I figured my dad was the one who told her to cook it that way.
The second thing was 3 people from my family attending the procession. Normally, almost my WHOLE family goes for the procession. This year was a dismal three people. THREE. Me, my aunt and uncle. It was so disappointing. My parents were part of the procession this year, so they went off to church real early. I went there on my own, spent 2 hours standing for waiting for my favourite part: Seeing the altar boys carry Jesus down from the cross and onto a makeshift bed. But I couldn't concentrate on it this year. Why? Well... that brings me to..
The third thing: It rained. That really made my heart do flip-flops. It NEVER rained before. And I am not making a fallacy. It's TRUE. In my almost 2 decades of going for the yearly St Joseph's procession, it NEVER rains. The rain came, and with it, an ominous feeling of things to come. I had a feeling it would rain, actually, so it didn't REALLY surprise me. Not because I watch weather patterns and the global temperature. I don't know how to explain it, though... I guess the fact that it didn't rain this year like it does every year around 3 in the afternoon kinda did it. When I felt the first droplet of rain on my candle holder, I couldn't help but feel like God was trying to say something HUGE. I really wish I knew what though... It scared me to no end.
The last thing that made good friday not-so-good was AFTER I went home. (On my own, again) I came out of the bathroom and was met with the always pleasant tension that signified my parents were fighting. It was horrible. I wanted to cry then. I wanted to scream out the injustice of not being able to enjoy at least a normal dinner after the not-so-normal day. It was not fair! Dinner was mostly stony silence. I was so tempted to turn on the tv just so it wouldn't be so tense. But I knew my father's wrath well. Well enough, at least. After dinner, I appeased my father by talking to him about their fight and cleared some stuff up. (Apparently, as it is with EVERY OTHER fight, it was a mere misunderstanding.) And then, I went to comfort my sorrow-stricken mother, upset with my father's usual way of proving his manhood by shouting and scolding. I also offered both of them cake that I made.
Somehow, I don't think that this is a 'me me' thing.. I feel like this is something more... This whole thing... It wasn't horrible on purpose.... Maybe God is really angry with me? I have done some seriously horrible things the past few weeks... I don't know. Maybe it IS a 'me me' kinda thing.
I hope Easter's wayyy better. =/
Every year it's the same thing. I go to church in the morning, afternoon is spent napping or watching TV, just spending time with my family while trying not to let my hunger get to me, evening is the procession at St Joseph's and dinner is Nasi Lemak, long awaited after a whole day of nothing much.
Every year I spend my good Friday like this. Every year. So why couldn't this year be the same? Or, at least hold some sense of normalcy?
The first thing that made me realise things were different: My maid cooked sunny-side ups instead of the usual omelette that goes with nasi lemak. Okay, sure, to you people, it's a small stupid insignificant thing. But I was pretty miffed because it was one tradition gone. I didn't say anything though, cuz' I figured my dad was the one who told her to cook it that way.
The second thing was 3 people from my family attending the procession. Normally, almost my WHOLE family goes for the procession. This year was a dismal three people. THREE. Me, my aunt and uncle. It was so disappointing. My parents were part of the procession this year, so they went off to church real early. I went there on my own, spent 2 hours standing for waiting for my favourite part: Seeing the altar boys carry Jesus down from the cross and onto a makeshift bed. But I couldn't concentrate on it this year. Why? Well... that brings me to..
The third thing: It rained. That really made my heart do flip-flops. It NEVER rained before. And I am not making a fallacy. It's TRUE. In my almost 2 decades of going for the yearly St Joseph's procession, it NEVER rains. The rain came, and with it, an ominous feeling of things to come. I had a feeling it would rain, actually, so it didn't REALLY surprise me. Not because I watch weather patterns and the global temperature. I don't know how to explain it, though... I guess the fact that it didn't rain this year like it does every year around 3 in the afternoon kinda did it. When I felt the first droplet of rain on my candle holder, I couldn't help but feel like God was trying to say something HUGE. I really wish I knew what though... It scared me to no end.
The last thing that made good friday not-so-good was AFTER I went home. (On my own, again) I came out of the bathroom and was met with the always pleasant tension that signified my parents were fighting. It was horrible. I wanted to cry then. I wanted to scream out the injustice of not being able to enjoy at least a normal dinner after the not-so-normal day. It was not fair! Dinner was mostly stony silence. I was so tempted to turn on the tv just so it wouldn't be so tense. But I knew my father's wrath well. Well enough, at least. After dinner, I appeased my father by talking to him about their fight and cleared some stuff up. (Apparently, as it is with EVERY OTHER fight, it was a mere misunderstanding.) And then, I went to comfort my sorrow-stricken mother, upset with my father's usual way of proving his manhood by shouting and scolding. I also offered both of them cake that I made.
Somehow, I don't think that this is a 'me me' thing.. I feel like this is something more... This whole thing... It wasn't horrible on purpose.... Maybe God is really angry with me? I have done some seriously horrible things the past few weeks... I don't know. Maybe it IS a 'me me' kinda thing.
I hope Easter's wayyy better. =/
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