Storms are brewing in your eyes

The mind and spirit are willing. The flesh feels like it's about to collapse from its unstable foundation.

I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this hole and there's little chance of me ever finding my way out.

Joy.

On a positive note, I did pretty well for my physics and chemistry. Now, I just need to wait for my failed math paper. :(((

On another note, I wanna get the Vivaz. Sigh. Oh the wretched materialism drooling from the insides.

It all begins tonight...

The clock struck for the third time. She stood up from her bed and slowly dragged the heavy chair across the wooden floor, periodically pausing to ensure that no other sound could be heard save for her slow and regulated breaths. She almost reached the window when a thick oak leg of the chair scrapped across a loose board she did not notice. The result was a low groan. Quickly freezing, her ears pricked up again for any signs of movement. Convinced that no one was on to her, she pushed the chair the rest of the way to the window and plonked down onto its soft cushion, a soft sigh escaping her pursed lips.

She glanced wearily out the window, placing her arms on the dusty window sill. The moon shone big and bright in the dark sky, and with most of the neighbourhood dark, she could make out the grey clouds that slowly moved across the pale yellow light. It really was a beautiful night indeed, as they had predicted. What cruel irony, was the only thing on her mind. She did a quick backward glance towards the door as she thought of the paradox in the situation, as if afraid of someone reading her thoughts.

On the outside, everything appeared so immaculate and wonderful. Inside was a hell hole that only she knew. Only she could understand the extent of misery and darkness that filled up the space from the inside, never quite reaching the outside so people couldn't see. What a family, what a life, what a joke. She could almost laugh at the situation, laugh till tears streaked down her face, actually. She shook her head at their obliviousness to every situation that came running smack in their faces. She sighed at their inability to connect with her. She smirked as she realised just how much above them she was and how she didn't have to tolerate their nonsense at any cost.

No one must know, she muttered softly under her breath. She ran a soft hand through her long, dark hair and looked at the few strands that were pulled out by the action. They were strands of hair that didn't even hurt her when she pulled them out. They were dispensable. Like she was. Dispensable.

I honestly don't know what I want in life anymore...

Yeah okay.. So I DO know what I want...

Just don't know if I can achieve it..

ANYWAY, I think, for someone who specialises in drawing stickmen, this is a nice drawing. :)

As the feeling inside keeps building

Alright. I finally figured it out. I know why I've been so miserable lately.

Even though I mentioned that it probably didn't have anything to do with my schoolwork... I realize now that it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Not with schoolwork per say.. More like my whole education.

I feel the pressure. And it's mounting slowly.. Slowly, slowly.. Until finally, one day, I am going to crack wide open. I'm literally the ONLY one in my entire family to have made it to a junior college. Good or bad, it doesn't matter.. I'm the ONLY one!

While I felt special the whole of two minutes when my family told me this, I realize now what that entails..

My whole family expects something out of me. My parents and my brothers are just so eager to see me enter university. Whichever university doesn't matter. They can't wait to take pictures with me wearing the motar board waving a shiny certificate in my hand.

I'm feeling the pressure even though my parents constantly assure me that they're not putting pressure on me. My dad wrote me an email saying how proud he was after I VISITED the law school open house. I mean, that's sweet and all, but WOW do I feel like I have to do something now.

Okay. I won't say it's all bad? Pressure's good sometimes. It keeps you in check, pushes you forward.. The amount I feel right now makes me want to go back. It makes me want to back out and say, "okay, that was a good try. Can I go now?"

and now I'm scared... Cuz I have all these expectations to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.. I don't know if everyone will feel disappointed if I screw up.

It's sooooooo crazy.

Have to keep breathing though and tell myself that people expect this of me because I have the potential. I can do this. I just need to keep pressing on and keep praying as hard as I can.
I need to stop procrastinating and start burrowing my nose in my books.
In the end, I'm going to be that lawyer. I'm going to go into legal pratice and hopefully not die there.

I can do it.

I think..

A man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land.

Liars
Always
Win.

That's what most people think of law as, huh.

I want to enter the NUS Faculty of Law soo badly.

But right now, as I'm sitting home, trying to recover from crazy 2 hours of tuition, I don't think I'll even qualify for the interview.

:((

FEELING DEPRESSED AGAIN.

I should install a mood indicator into my forehead. Only, this year, it'll blink red and blue like 80% of the time.

She knows it's too late to keep walking on by.

Don't know why. I feel miserable every night. The only thing keeping me happy now is seeing my school friends and talking to them about stuff.


Don't know if it's school or everything just coming together.

Anyway, I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I'm about to crack.

On that note, I'm sorry I blew up yesterday. But I won't apologised for what I said. I meant it.

You already got me coming undone. - A trip like no other.

I won't say I had fun. That is a given. And a fact. I won't go into details about what I saw, heard, smelt and touched either. That I leave to photos, because they speak a thousand words more than what is in my available vocabulary.

I still remember the words I scrawled onto the TOOP application form:

I want to experience humility and step out of my comfort zone.

Now, I won't say I have been completely humbled after one day in Indonesia. That would be ludicrous.

However, you don't just walk into a barely-sturdy shelter-for-a-school and use their hole-as-a-toilet without feeling even the slightest hint of something.

To say I am lucky to be born in Singapore where the sun shines to no end (unfortunately, in some cases..) and the opportunities smile at you would be too easy. Somehow, (and call me cliched) I feel like I should start doing something to expose myself to more of these situations.

Trust me, when I say this, I selfishly do not think of the poor people or the children. After all, what makes you think they need anymore help than they already have? Though I'm pretty sure they'll smile should I go over and 'do my part' for them, I'm thinking I'll come out of it with more benefits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, living in the comfort of my own home, with a whole room to call my own, and a good education being served to me on a plate, taking things for granted pretty much becomes a given. I get upset because I have friendship problems, or because my mum didn't get me something when she promised.

And then there are these people, so hospitable, giving whatever little they can afford to give. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And ironically, they're probably happier than I am right now.

What is worth more? Giving ten dollars out of your hundred-dollar allowance? Or the two dollars you need to survive on for the rest of the week?

In the end, we all need these trips (both the real and metaphorical ones) not to give THEM what they need, but to remind ourselves of what WE lack.

And of course, the cam-whoring doesn't hurt. :)

You've already got me coming undone

I honestly don't know why, but I feel so miserable. Oh, so miserable.

It's not PMS. I've never had it like this before.

I feel like there's nothing in my life to look forward to. That this is it. Nothing else is going to come out of it.

I've been feeling like this since last week. It's such a horrid feeling, and yet, I seem to wallow in it.

I feel so entrapped in this thing called 'life'. Like, what am I supposed to do now?

I don't see anything coming.

I have to resort to petty motivations to get myself going.

It's not working.

On a side note, I will change the colour of my page skin when I have the time. It's freaking me out.

Kiss a wookie.

This post will be a treat for my readers. I'll be posting something really cute! Which won't be a surprise anymore if you scroll down...

ANYWAY, for those who are still here and not off watching the video, I shall narrate my day in a slow and systematic way. :DDDD

Okay. I won't. (Oh, by the way, if you haven't noticed, this is self-indulgent idle chatter. ;) )

I changed my blog skin to pink. Striking, in-your-face, shit-i-don't-think-i'll-ever-read-steph's-blog-again pink. Yeah... I don't really know why and/or what came over me.. But it'll stay as pink until i feel like changing it. :)))

Which means I won't have any more visually-able readers by the end of the month or less.

Oh well.