There's another conversation going on

I don't even know why I'm so upset. I suppose it's mostly because I honestly thought he was one of the good guys.

And of course, he didn't mean to hurt me. And I suppose he was just trying to be honest. But it still hurt.

What I want is to just give up on the idea of love. To stop believing in it.

Why should I? Why should I bother to find someone who'd stop treating me like something they can play with? Do I really look like I'm so hard-hearted that my feelings will never get hurt?

I suppose, in that regard, I have my parents to thank. For all their nonsense, their flaws, their crazy shit, they found each other. And even though they bitch, moan, fight and scream at each other, I know that they still love the other.

And I want that. And that's why I fight on.

In the meantime, I shall have to be patient. Trust me when I say it's taking every ounce of me not to just throw myself into a pit of depression.

Speaking of which,

It's also taking every ounce of me not to break a few necks and step on some people.

I suppose I shouldn't be very surprised that having a blog would one day come back to bite me in the ass. I guess people just need something to talk about, and no matter how much you want to avoid it, it just happens.

I'm really not upset about what I've heard. I could be. And I suppose it would be very easy to be. But I'm nothing if not smart, and I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't see this coming, especially after some stranger started questioning me about my blog a while back.

In the end, I suppose it's not possible to control what people think and say about you. I just know that as long as the people that matter understand the full story, I answer to no one else.

I could say right now that I hope people just read my blog and understand that what I write here is just a way to express my inner most thoughts. But of course, whatever I say doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, people just take what they read at face value. I won't lie, I'm guilty of that too sometimes.

I bitch constantly about people. And trust me, it can be fun. And the stuff I learn about some people (which of course I shan't name or describe) can be quite eye-opening. So I suppose it's just karma that I get bitched about too.

In the end, it's just a huge game of who can be the biggest bitch. ;)

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Let's see if this goes well.

Let's see.

Hmm.

Come out with things unsaid,

I suppose I'm back at square one. A-gain.

It just seems like a never-ending battle for me. But I suppose at the end of the day, it's my own fault for not being more discerning.

Okay so right now, I have too many things in my life to look forward to, so I'm not really gonna dwell on this too much.

Just keep my chin up and walk on through.

I'll be fine. :)

Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18.

I do think I think too much.

(^LOL)

Mally is back from Jordan which made me kinda exciting because I can't wait to see him again.

But maybe he doesn't feel the same way?

When I told Kammy, she replied with 'I thought you said he was shy?'

Yeah okay, she was right. But I mean... I'd at least he'd be a bit more excited to talk to me?

Maybe he's just really busy. After all, he has a lot of work to catch up with.

Okay, I really need to stop being all.... crazy.

Even if he only wants to be friends, he's a really nice guy so I wouldn't mind being friends.

Maybe.

Okay, 9am in the morning is a crazy time for me. =/

We found love in a hopeless place

The title of my blog is 'Write With Songs'. This is because all of my post titles are lyrics from songs. At least for the last couple of years. (Maybe since 2010?)

Sometimes, it's a line that seems to fit with my current mood, or the current theme of the post. Most of the time though, it's what I happen to be listening to while writing the post. Or whatever I have stuck in my head. And hence, that's why, today's title is such.

I really am not a huge fan of Rihanna. But this song's in Calvin Harris' new album and it's on repeat right now.

I do love a lot of genres of music. From jazz, to pop, to rock, to indie, to the 'oldies'.

Anyway, tomorrow, I fly back home.

It's been an extremely fun holiday back. I got to finally meet my adorable niece and The Usuals were all reunited for a record-breaking number of times since we all went our separate ways.

I can't wait to be back in the UK and see what lies in store for me. :)

These are the good old days.

An early 21st birthday celebration. :)

And a puke-stained blanket to show for it. :(

Who's gonna save the world tonight?

Firstly, I would like to wish everyone reading this a very happy New Year. It's 2013, everyone! You know what this means, right???? Yeah, no, I don't either.

Well, I'm sure the new year will bring with it joy and everything else.

I just finished my application to Linklaters for their summer programme. Here's my fingers crossed that I do manage to get a place. I realise it's wayy too competitive but at least I try.

I've got plenty of other applications to complete, 4 of which I need to do before I return home. The rest I can wait till my exams are over before I start them.

It's pretty tedious though. Most of the form is the same. But because there is no copy and paste option, I have to fill it in manually, one by one.

In other news, I'm getting extremely excited for my birthday party on Saturday. It's gearing up to be quite a night. Plenty of my good friends are scheduled to arrive. And of course, the lunch affair with my  family. Right. Well, I better get started on my exam revision proper.

I'm back in the UK in less than 2 weeks. That's really quick. :O (I made the mistake of adding a 'yay' behind that statement in front of my mum and she got kinda annoyed.)

---------------

I'm editing this at 9.30pm Singapore time. (My blog's still in UK time soo.... yeah.)

I'm halfway through studying express trusts and I've been taking too many breaks in between.

Anyway, I realise I forgot to write this down. So future me can see this. (And when I say future me, I mean the me in a few weeks' time.) I've decided that it's probably a waste of time with M. I mean, a few messages on Christmas day and that was it. After that, nothing. I mean, if someone really liked you, he'd kinda try to show it, wouldn't he? At least a message on New Year's Day or something. So I say I'll give him a chance... But after that... nothing. So, I mean, really. What did you think a chance meant? That I was going to jump into your arms? You wanted that chance, so obviously you're gonna have to work for it.

You see, that's what really puzzles me about M more than anything. I really, really cannot understand him. In other ways, he is a really nice guy. Good looking, sweet, blah blah. But he seems to be shooting mixed signals all over the place. The first period of a budding relationship should not be so difficult. It's sweet, and you get to know one another, and you go on dates, and feelings start to blossom. And you like the other person a lot, so you know it might turn into something. With M, I do still like him a bit. Although, not as much as before, definitely. When he texts me, he's like this super sweet guy. All his words are coated in sugar and frosting, and he only has words of adoration. But then, nothing. Just. Completely ignores me. No texts, no calls. Like it doesn't matter that he doesn't text or call, or even that I don't text or call.

Okay, here's me admitting that, like every other girl, I do get happy, maybe even excited, when the guy I like texts me. But how I (and most girls) know he really likes me, is when he can't go on long without texting again. And again. (And obviously, if I like him, I reply.) Which, in this case, M doesn't do. So hmm.. does he like me? Or not? Somehow I get the feeling that perhaps he just wanted another chance because he just wanted to date someone, anyone. He told me that he wanted a life outside of work. Maybe at that point in time, I was the only option. Well, if that's the case I don't blame him, and I'm not mad at him, but I'm definitely not gonna waste my time with him. And I hope he finds someone nice to 'have a life outside work' with. lol.

That we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again.

I was reading a blog post I did at the end of 2009. It was a list of major events that had happened in my life that year. Some were nice, some not so. All of them I could at least vaguely recall.

For a split second, I contemplate doing the same this year. However, I can't even begin to consolidate everything that has happened to me this year. Plus, some of the things that have happened (that were major) are things that I don't even want to acknowledge happened to me on this blog.

It has been a very long year indeed. The longest I can remember by far. It's hard to believe that certain events only happened last year when it seems like it was an eternity ago that they happened. Like me going to Australia with Tiara and Annabelle. I can't believe we did that in the summer of 2011. I swear, it happened so long ago, I can barely register it in my memory.

In any case, I am both sad and glad to see this year end. It's been fun, horrible, amazing, and miserable all at once.

It would be interesting to see what the new year brings along with it.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to my two wonderful amazing girlfriends in the UK, Rebs and Shan. It's hard to imagine how my life in the UK would have been if not for them. For all the major events in my life this year, they were there. Making sure I wasn't about to crumble, or enjoying the happiness and good fortune along with me. I trust them completely and would do almost anything for them.

For the two special, amazing good friends of mine, I want them to know that I love and miss them very much and will be waiting to start the new year with them in Manchester.

xxx

My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can.

Okay. So... I think I'm done trying to seek the right one.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed, or angry, or miserable.

I'm actually feeling pretty alright. Well, a little tired but that's because I've been waking up at stupid hours in the morning because my body hates me.

I just think I should just wait for him to come to me. I'm gonna just sit here and wait.

So yeah. Need to sort out more important things in my life anyway. And I'm a bit sianzz of guys going 'oh I really like you' when they barely know me. Like, really ah? You like me ah? Wow. You must know me so well from my Facebook profile and a couple of chats. Congratulations.

Okay, I rarely use Singlish in my blog. So you know how tired I feel.

Anyway, if I'm being honest, I don't really know what I want.

I still don't know if I should give M another chance although to be fair that's not really an issue that's very pressing. Just one of those things at the back of my mind.

Also, I'm very hungry. That's a more pressing issue.

In other news, I can't help but feel very sorry for J. To the extend of wanting to check in with him. But I can't see how that would end well if at all so I'm stopping myself.

I still think he's an ass that fucks up everything good going for him because he feels like he is entitled to all these things. But no one should have a crappy Christmas. I do love Christmas so it's sad when I learn that someone I know isn't having a good Christmas. I love Christmas because, despite all the money pumped into gifts and such, there's still a magical spirit in the air that affects (most) everyone.

So to hear that he's really upset is quite pitiful.

If I knew that he wouldn't be anything but nice at least, I would drop him a message just asking him how he is. But he would probably just get all mad and ask me why I bother, blah blah blah.

Well, in any case, I wish whoever is reading this a very Merry Christmas. Hope yours is and was amazing and fantastic!

xxx

I think I maybe think too much

Christmas with my family is always a fun affair. I had a lot of fun mingling with my relatives and playing with the little kids. It's really nice to be back home for the holidays. No matter how much I complain about my family, I do still love them very much.

M messaged me today. And he asked me if we could start things again. I said yes.

I don't know if that was the right choice, to be honest.

I like Mally. I do. He's really sweet and a real gentleman.

But I feel like things between M and I are unfinished. I mean, so far he hasn't really shown that he's all that interested in me. After blowing me off for the umpteenth time, he only gave a very flurried text explaining that he overslept and after that, no contact. And yet, today he messaged me saying that he misses me.

If he really was interested, he would've checked in and asked if I was alright. Or even if I was angry. But he didn't.

Should I even bother giving him another chance?

What about Mally? I like him and I really want to see where things go with him.

Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of some soap drama?

I'm sorry I don't understand where all this is coming from

Different country, different problems.

Over in the UK, my life is carefree but it can get lonely. Over here, I'm surrounded by family but there are times when I feel like pulling the roots of my hair out and manufacturing a plane with the cuticles so I can fly home.

My mum told me specifically to get my birthday cakes from this particular bakery. I just assumed that price-wise, she was going to be okay with it. How the fuck am I supposed to know the standard rate of the price of cake?! As if I keep up with the fluctuating prices of baked goods. YEAH, I'M SURE EVERYONE DOES THAT, RIGHT.

It cost $42 per kilo of cake. Apparently, the standard price is $35. OH WOW. I'M SOOO SORRY I didn't know that I was overpaying by a few dollars. And my brother decided to chip in with a helpful 'so if it cost $2000 you would pay for it?' WOW. YEAH, I AM *THAT* STUPID.

It's times like this I don't mind packing everything here and moving permanently to the UK. Sure, I'll miss my family once in a while but we will have better relations if I am very, very far away from them.

Fuck this, man. I don't need this shit. I don't know why my mother is paying over a thousand dollars for me to come home so she can yell at me.

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

I am gonna sound like a completely spoilt bitch.

I was SOO happy when my maid came to my place today and cleaned up my room. And everything's so neat and clean!

You see, what happened was, my maid is now my brother's maid, helping to take care of little Emily (my very very adorable niece.)

And she came over today primarily to help my mum cook for our Christmas party. But she also cleaned the house in general, including my room.

The difference between having a maid and not having one is SO VAST.

Alright. I'm done sounding like a little princess.

I'm so spoilt it's not even funny. :(