So I can stand on mountains

It's gonna be a stress-filled two weeks. I have too many things to do and not enough time to complete them all.

So what am I doing blogging?

I don't have a fucking clue.

Postdated: 31 Oct 2012, 20:48

(This was written in Madrid, Spain.)

As my friends are asleep in the hotel room, a result of a tiring day of walking in Madrid and a lack of sleep from the night before, I'm left here alone. Unable to turn on the tv for fear of waking them up and having forgotten to bring a book to chase away the boredom.

Outside, I'm tired. But not because of a lack of sleep or anything else. I'm tired because I feel turmoil. Inside.

Today I went from dating a guy to now just being friends. I went from being able to have a good friend to now hoping that she'll forgive me for my transgressions. 

Today I was alone by myself the entire day. Figuring out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. What the fuck I'm doing at all, really.

I'm in Madrid. Most people would kill to come here. Most people are envious that I'm here holidaying at an exotic European destination.

And yet, I can't fully enjoy it because my life, as usual, is full of fuck.

And now, I lie on my hotel bed, wondering about the consequences of my decisions.

I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

I don't even know how to begin, what to begin doing...

Sent from my iPhone

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Okay I am a fucking mess.

And the thing is, I don't think anyone understands. Fuck, even I don't understand myself for the most part.

Okay. I like him.

But I don't know if I like the idea of him more. Or the idea that maybe I'll be getting a boyfriend soon.

I think he's majorly cute. He is so handsome. And when we kiss I actually get butterflies in my stomach.

When he looks at me, I get shy. And when he teases me, I get annoyed, but I feel special and happy that he's comfortable enough to do that with me.

Of course, it doesn't matter because it doesn't look like he feels the way.

And that's a horrible feeling. But as much as it pains me, I'll have to let him go.

Can't even say we can still be friends or whatever. We live such different lives that if it doesn't work out, I guess I won't be seeing him much anymore.

Soooo yeah. I guess I shall be prepared for tomorrow and... we'll see what happens.

Keep my expectations low. As low as possible.

I would say I need a drink, but after last night's craziness, I just need closure.

Do you ever feel like a waste of space?

I swear I think it's the stress and the PMS.

Feel so horrible right now.

Feel like... Whatever happened 2 days ago was a one-off thing and that... my life will be filled with little happy one-off moments and the rest is just...

Maybe I'm destined to end up alone.

Maybe the little happy moments in my life will just stay memories and... yeah.

Fuck. I need a drink.

Let it never be said, 'the romance is dead'.

And so begins a new chapter in my life... Amid the tons and tons of work.

But it's okay. Because I'm not rushing into anything. :) I'm doing this slow and steady.

I'm gonna do it right.

Anyway, the main issue isn't really about what is or is not to happen...

I feel judged when I'm walking with him. Like, everyone's wondering what this Chinese girl is doing stealing away one of their kind.

Yesterday, he held my hand for the first time. (Yes, cue 'awwww's and 'oooohh's)

While we were walking, I could feel people staring at me. Don't know if it was just me being too paranoid or self-conscious, or if they were really disapproving..

Sigh. Okay, well. This is just me airing my thoughts.

Off to do more work!

(Honestly, I'm so happy at the prospect of what'll be happening in the near future, but shhh... Not so fast there. ;) )

It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life.

I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.

Be patient, Stephanie. Things will happen when they happen. If you try to rush into anything, you will only feel horrid and miserable.

I guess, on some level, I've always known that. But by nature, I am an impulsive person. I do things because they make me feel alive. I feel passion and a rush and thrills. And on the other hand, my brain works like a never-ending clog machine, churning out over-analysed facts by the minute.

So here I am, trying to consolidate my overworked brain with my passionate nature. Trying to stop myself from short-circuiting my thought processes when once again, my impulsive nature takes over and it backfires in my face.

In the end, the only person that stands to lose is me.

I'm already 20. No longer a teenager. I can no longer blame silly whims on my adolescence.

Today, I grow up. I view the world no more a moon-eyed little girl thinking that the world is a magical and happy place to explore. There are sharp thorns and crooked roads.

I need to open my eyes and calm my heart.

Good things come to those who wait. God has a plan for me.

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.

New dawn, new day, right?

I haven't felt so relieved and happy in a while.

This coming at a moment in my life where I'm feeling so helpless about my family's situation.

I'm just glad that it happened.

Sometimes I wonder what the me 5 years ago would think. Would she be proud of who I am now?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I suppose it doesn't matter. I haven't felt so... good in a while.

I'm going to hold on to that feeling until tomorrow morning, when reality comes crashing back down.

Until then, I shall have a good rest.

Goodnight, world.

P.S. Massively thrilled that my stats are back to normal. Also, I've got 30 more visitors before I hit 2,500. Now THAT is bloody wicked.

Nobody said it was easy, oh, take me back to the start.

This is fantastic. I log in after a month so I can jot down my rather emotional feelings, and I see that my blog stats have been reset. How appropriate.

Anyway, I honestly think my period will come soon.

The only time I ever feel like my life is at a bit of a low is when my period is on the horizon.

I suppose that's kinda good. Kinda means I'm not pregnant and all that nonsense.

(Okay, that didn't make me sound too good, did it.)

Alright then... Let's skip past the moment and get on with things proper.

Haven't been able to stop thinking about him. At all.

I honestly don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm back in the same city he lives in?

Doesn't matter how many guys I flirt with (harmlessly, of course.)

At the end of the day, he is all my brain picks up.

To be honest though, I'm extremely sure it was the idea of him I missed.

Someone who thought me the world. Someone who appreciated me in all ways... (until, well.)

So yeah.

When will this end?

I would like it to stop now, please.

I won't sleep tonight so I can keep from going insane.

Not physically in the UK and I already have 3 events to attend.

I'm pretty excited to be back in university.

It's been a fine, but tad dull, summer.

Seeing my friends made me happy.. But in the end, I suppose I crave the excitement.

The next time I blog, I may be in the UK.

Or perhaps I won't blog.

You know how it is... I blog for a bit and shut my lips for a few months or so.

I'll try though. :)

Couldn't understand how to work it out

Tonight was one of those nights I really enjoyed.

Nothing special or out-of-the-ordinary happened. I just spent 4 hours talking to my best friend.

It was one of those HTHTs we have once in a while.

Joan and I have a really special relationship. For some (best) friends, constant communication is needed to keep the relationship from drifting or turning awkward. For Joan and I, we rarely get the time to just talk. And talk, and talk, and talk. And yet we know the foundation is there. Rarely breaking away.

The subjects varied. From intense, upsetting, and silent, to happy, amusing and carefree.

We talked about anything and everything under the sun. (Figure of speech, since it was actually under the watchful eye of the moon.)

We've known each other for 15 years. That's 3/4s of my life (or 75%). No one knows me better than her. Sometimes, scarily enough, that list includes myself.

I thank God for technology. Without it, I wouldn't know how I'd survive without her for so long.

This is dedicated to my darling best friend who is one of the only people in the world incapable of judging me (much) for any of my actions.

The best thing I never had

These two weeks will probably be really amazing.

Mostly because my parents will oblige to most of my requests before I leave.

And it's taking a LOT of me not to overstep the boundary.

Oh gosh, I'm such a bloody spoilt brat.

You could go the distance, you could run the mile.

I feel like I'm living two lives.

There's the one I live, in Singapore. It's the same one that's loud and crazy and has her best friends surrounding her. It's the same one where my family is, where my favourite foods are, where I know where I am, where I feel most comfortable in. I feel settled.

Then, there's the one I live, in Manchester. It's also a crazy, loud life, with extremely close friends I'd keep for life. The same life that includes independence, accountability for my own actions, late nights, later mornings, and full-on excitement. I feel like there's so much to explore, and I often find myself wanting to discover more.

Neither life is horrible to live, neither life is perfect. Both lives have their pros, and their cons.

In Singapore, I know my path in life. It's more or less fixed. It's just there. In Manchester, I don't really know what's going to happen from one day to the next. One minute I could be reading a book, with plans to spend a quiet night in, the next, I could be dressing up to hit the clubs because of peer-pressure. It's scary sometimes, but 'good' scary.

I honestly don't know which life I'd want to lead. Excitement seems like the more enticing path now, but that's probably because I'm 20, still wanting to suck the juice out of life before it gets dull and empty. Stability seems like the more practical choice in the long run...

I only hope that the next year will bring with it more answers.

For now, as I start pulling my clothes out and packing them for a 15-hour flight back, I am filled with anticipation for the upcoming year.

With old and new friends, a new apartment, new modules, and more parties, I suppose I should just relax and let God take care of the 'less important' decisions. ;D