This is a girl. This is her blog. That's pretty much the gist of where you are now on the internet.
Today was a pretty good Good Friday. I still remember the one I had last year. I even blogged about it. Today was pretty awesome compared to that day.
I went to visit my grandparents’ grave today. I should really do it often. A ball of emotion swept through me as I stared at my grandfather’s picture on his tombstone.
Anyway, I feel horrible now. I don’t even freaking know why. This is fucked up.
I realise how sheltered I am from the harsh realities of life.
After spending a week in Changkat Changi Secondary, I see so many different types of students. Those that want to learn but feel pulled back by their classmates, those that want to strive forward, but feel stunted by the education system. (Especially the 4T students who know they have little choice on their next route.)
Those that don’t feel like they even belong in this education system. This education system that seems to take care of only the smartest, fastest and strongest. It seems that everyone else who’s not as smart and quick would never be able to soar in this country.
I don’t understand how much pressure they need to put on these kids before they realise how stupid and redundant it all is.
Anyway, today, I saw three boys get suspended. And they didn’t seem upset. They were pretty happy to be able to chillax at home, actually. Which to me, is the moment you realise that the education system has failed for these children.
It’s a wonder that these kids, only aged 13-17 (some even 18/19), have opened my eyes to the world that you only get to see when you find yourself associating with these people.
Life is a mystery, Everyone must stand alone.
When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist
But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh
You are the only exception
It’s a lazy Saturday. After such a crazy week, I found respite in lazing around on my bed, Chick Lit in hand.
Being able to find solitude can be a horrible thing, though. It makes you think. Again and again and again and again… You get the point.
And I know that I’m supposed to feel, and not think. But I’ve always thought. Feelings being secondary in any problem. So how am I supposed to stop thinking? Definitely not easy.
Anyway, I like googling my name.
Yeah, okay… I’ll go finish my book..
This was written three days ago. However, I decided to post *erm* more ‘important’ things.. So yeah. I just continued from halfway through the post. :)
Humans, in general, are a selfish lot.
The most self-absorbed bunch God ever had the pleasure to create.
And we happen to be made in his image. How apt.
If God was anything less than the omnipotent, omnibenevolent guy that he was, he would be cringing and cursing stuff right about now. (Well, actually, he would’ve started a while back..)
And don’t get me wrong here. I’m not trying to set myself apart from the rest of the human race and claim that I’m a complete saint. Oh no… I’m just as bad as the rest of them. Maybe even worse.
Ever wonder why we are all so selfish? Why it’s human nature to want the finest things to ourselves? Sometimes, it’s not even about materialistic gains. Sometimes, you see an old lady struggling for help. And you think, ‘Should I help her? But what if she doesn’t need help? Then I ask and she scold me then how. I lose face leh!’ Don’t know how many times I’ve encountered that situation. Where I spend minutes wondering to myself whether I should go over and help someone. By which, either A) the person has left/disappeared/done whatever was needed to be done, B) I don’t help and merely stare/look away like everyone else, or C) I go over and help.
Guess which option happens the least number of times.
Anyway, I am completely exhausted. Today has been activity after activity with little rest.
I’m gonna sleep it off and enjoy a lazy Saturday with nothing planned. I just love those days.
URGH.
Possibly one of the worst days in my life. I’m still recovering from the after-effects of being completely hammered yesterday. My parents are mad at me for missing work. What makes it worse is that my dad got me the job. So it makes him look very very bad. And my grandmother is mad at me too cuz’ I hurt my parents.
And THEN, I drunk text Alex. For some God awful reason.
And I tell him that I love him. Even though I don’t. Which isn’t a very smart thing to do. In fact, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the stupidest thing you can do when you’re drunk, what I did is so out-of-scale, it’s not even funny.
And now he’s mad at me too. Along with my whole household.
GAHHHHH. WHY THE FUCK DID THEY PUT LADIES’ NIGHT ON A WEDNESDAY!!
*cries*
Anyway, I haven’t even talked to Alex about his ‘declaration of love’, and I go along and declare my own ‘love’ for him.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Today is definitely one day I would like to erase from history.
I’m gonna add that to my list of wishes.
Okay, you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m gonna say what I want here, and no one should give me shit about it.
You want the truth?
I think I like him. A lot. And the only reason why I said I fucking didn’t care anymore was because I was still mad.
And yes, it doesn’t make him any less of a dick. But the truth is, I light up when he messages me, I grin when I get his email. And I don’t sleep until at least 12 because I know he’ll be awake then. Yes. So call me crazy. And stupid. And fucking retarded.
But that’s the truth.
I keep trying to tell myself that this is an online thing. And that it won’t work. And that he could be lying through his throat and balls and no one would be none the wiser.
But at the end of the day, I’ve ALWAYS been a hopeless romantic at heart. I crave for the guy that whispers sweet nothings in your ear, telling you that he would do anything just to be with you, even if it means he getting sunburned in Sunny Singapore.
And yes, it could be full of shit. And yes, it could mean nothing to him to say it. But when your life isn’t going as smoothly as you want it to, you take what you can get and you pump up the small things into huge things and make a big fucking deal out of it.
But yes, I’m going to Manchester. And I’m gonna probably meet someone better.
And that’s the only reason why I didn’t say yes to him.
Even though, technically, I put the idea into his head.
But I don’t know anymore. I give up. I’m going to bed. And it’s only 11.
Ah crap. I feel like…
I don’t even know anymore.
I THOUGHT I KNEW.
But I don’t.
I DON’T.
Oh fuck.
I just finished reading ‘To Sir, With Love’ today. A brilliant classic that I never thought to pursue.
Thank you, second-hand book store. :)
Sigh. I really missed the feeling of finishing a brilliant book. (Okay. That’s not true, I just finished ‘Pride and Prejudice’ last week.)
The point is, I love reading so much.
And now, I shall start my indulgence in Chick Lit.
Those schoolgirl days, of telling tales and biting nails are gone.
But in my mind,
I know they will still live on and on.
But how do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy, but I'll try.
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters,
That would soar a thousand feet high,
To Sir, with Love
The time has come,
For closing books and long last looks must end.
And as I leave,
I know that I am leaving my best friend.
A friend who taught me right from wrong,
And weak from strong,
That's a lot to learn.
What, what can I give you in return?
If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,
But I, would rather you let me give my heart,
To Sir, with Love
In other news, you may leave your comments on any post on my blog. :) But be nice. Or I will strangle you.
I was showering when my grandmother turned off the bathroom lights. So I yelled out. And she turned it on again, asking if there was someone inside. (Of which, I replied in the affirmative.)
ONE minute later, she turned off the lights again. Cuz’ she thought that she had forgotten to turn them back on. SIGH.
Today, I visited heaven.
Okay, it was a second-hand book shop in Bras Basah Complex.
Still, knowing me and my extreme love of books, it could’ve been heaven and I wouldn’t have known the difference.
I got TEN books for 50 dollars! What a steal!
5 Chick lit ones (I admit, I did indulge a little..), my replacement Dan Brown books (DVC and A&D), To Sir With Love, and a thriller called ‘Paranoia’.
Tia, Anne and I then went to Macs for the free aircon and a chance to talk.
This weekend was honestly, one of the best times I’ve had in a while. Both days were filled with laughter, friends, and good times to remember.
I haven’t been this happy in a while. It honestly seems like God was smiling at me the whole weekend. Like, he decided to give me a break from the dark shadows of life to enjoy my good fortune with friends over the simplest things.
I have awesome friends. I can’t complain. Not at all.
Today was fantastic.
However, it was also exhausting.
Extremely.
It was really awesome spending time with Mel. It’s always a blast talking to her and well, annoying her a little.
The only downside was underwater world and the dolphin lagoon being nothing like what I imagined.
I remember loving riding through the tunnel in underwater world as a kid. However, the fishes we saw today were, well, that’s it. They were just fishes. And I guess I just placed these attractions so high up on a pedestal, when I actually got to experience them now, it seems to pale in comparison.
Well, it was still fun dipping our feet in the water at Palawan beach and then running to the toilet because the hot sand felt like glass under my feet. (I say ‘my feet’ cuz’, well, I was the only one running and hopping.)
We met Ping at vivo and had soup amidst old memories and easy conversation. Ping’s recount of her tales at Jurong Polyclinic was especially fun to listen to:
Doctor: So, what' is JC like? [N.B. He wasn’t Singaporean, apparently.]
Ping: Well, we’re split into two streams, Arts and Science.
Doctor: (In a fast, soft tone) Diarrhoea how many days?
Ping: No, we don’t offer that as a subject.
After that, we headed to Nex@Serangoon and raced cars at the arcade.
And then, Ping and I headed to Teo Heng for Karaoke with the guys.
I really did miss them, so it was fun listening to their nonsense again.
It was just one of the days when you have so much fun, you fall into your bed at the end of the day happy and satisfied. And GD tired.
Hopefully, I get to have more days like these before I leave all my friends here in Singapore.
Laughs. Friends. Nostalgia.
The best combination.
Last night, I reminisced about Nickelodeon.
For more than a decade of my life, I grew up with the channel; its shows often providing many laughs and life lessons.
Everyday after school, it was almost ingrained into me the ritual to turn on the TV and grab the remote, pressing ‘32’.
When my mother cancelled the kids channels, it took me weeks to get rid of the ‘reflex’. Every time I turned to channel ‘32’ and saw the words ‘This channel is not available to you’, my heart broke a little and I would sigh inwardly.
Sure, this sounds over-dramatic to you, but as a child, I absolutely adored Nickelodeon. It never failed to bring me joy, especially when I was upset.
Now that I’m all grown-up, I guess I do miss these small things that used to cheer me up greatly and make everything okay.
Nowadays, it just seems to take a lot of ‘cheering up’ to actually cheer me up. I mean, I may appear outwardly happy, but inside’s just plenty of turmoil.
I guess that’s the price you pay for maturity and responsibility. Plenty of baggage to go along with it.
On a different note, I was horribly distracted during driving today. And my test is in 2 months. Horrible. Sigh.
It’s amazing how much difference a few weeks make.
What I thought I felt has completely been dissolved into mere memories toppled off with bad feelings of ‘What-the-fuck-was-I-thinking?’
It’s funny, though. The difference between the actual event and the presumed one is greatly vast.
It’s really crazy the feelings that run through my nerves when I think back on what I used to feel, as opposed to the revulsion that courses through my veins now.
And he is so full of shit, it makes me wonder whether I was thinking with my ass a month ago.
It’s hilarious. I can’t help but laugh. A month ago, I would’ve been blogging about how sweet he was when he said this and blah, blah, blah…
Now, I read everything he says and I roll my eyes and/or think ‘Yeah, fucking right.’ in acid tones.
I don’t think he realises that the moment he did what he did, I lost all trust in him. I don’t even respond to his ‘nicknames’ anymore. I tried telling him last night, but I don’t think he got it.
I honestly don’t know how he gets the gall to pretend that everything’s really okay. Guys are so fucking clueless.
The best part about all this, though, is that I don’t really wanna stop talking to him. I think, mainly, because I don’t have much else to do. At least, for now.
We’ll see again, I guess.
For now, it’s still nice to have someone think I’m that awesome.
I am turning into such a bitch. =/
